Zelophehad's Daughters

Nacle Notebook 2020: Funniest Comments

Ziff4 January 202113 Comments

Twenty twenty was a decidedly unfunny year. To me, though, this meant that we had more need than ever to find chances to laugh. Toward that end, this post is my annual compilation of the funniest comments and bits of posts that I read on the Bloggernacle in the past year. In case you haven’t read them yet, here are links to compilations for previous years: 2019 2018 2017 2016 2015 2014 2013 2012 2011 2010 2009 2008.

Most of these are excerpts from longer comments or posts. I’ve made each person’s name a link to the original source, so you can go and read them in their original context if you want. Also, the comments are in roughly chronological order.

hawkgrrrl, in her post “What’s the Point of BYU?” at W&T:

To provide match-making for young Mormons, particularly those who grew up in areas with few Mormons to date or potentially marry. Otherwise, where would all those RMs go to find the hot wives their disgusting mission presidents promised them as a reward for faithful service?

p, commenting on hawkgrrrl’s post:

I was . . . a poor kid from rural Arizona. My nonmember parents sent me to BYU in part to shield me from the hippie rebellion of the late 60’s early 70’s. Little did they know that California Mormons were sending their wild-ass hippie kids to BYU to straighten them out! I never had so much fun in my life[!]

Yes, this is the visual equivalent of a laugh track. Photo credit: Brian Lundquist on Unsplash

In Politics, Statistics

I read 2200 comments on the Church Newsroom post so you don’t have to.

Ziff28 December 202018 May 202113 Comments

Two weeks ago, the US Electoral College voted Joe Biden in as the next US President. The same day, the Church released a boilerplate statement congratulating Biden and Kamala Harris on their win, thanking Trump and Pence for their service, and asking members to pray for all of them. The statement was then linked in the Church’s public Newsroom group on Facebook. Commenters there proceeded to hold a heated debate that ran to 2200 comments before the Church’s public affairs people (I’m assuming) shut it down.

They didn’t delete the comments that were already up, though, so I thought it would be a fun project to read through them and look for patterns like most commonly raised issues. To be complete, I should note that some of the comments clearly had been deleted, as there were only 1882 remaining when I read them (starting about a week ago). However, given how many pretty unhinged comments still remain up, I doubt that it was the Church PA people deleting them. Rather, it seems more likely that people who had made comments went back and deleted them.

Here’s the data I noted for each of the comments:

Name of the person making it. I noted this so I could see if it was a few people making a ton of comments, or a lot of people making a few.
Lean of the comment (Biden – strong, Biden – weak, neutral, Trump – weak, or Trump – strong). Of course this is subjective but it’s pretty clear most of the time.
Issues raised, which I sorted into a few dozen categories.
Number of words.
Comment being replied to, so I could see which comments drew the most replies.
Number of reactions: Like, Love, Care, Haha, Wow, Sad, Angry

For the 103 people who made five or more comments, I also noted the following:

Overall lean of their comments. This was straightforward, as people pretty much always showed a consistent lean from one comment to another.
Total number of comments.
Gender. Most people declare their gender in their profile.
Age category (younger, middle aged, older). As most people don’t give their age on Facebook, I guessed based on graduation and marriage dates and apparent ages of children or grandchildren. I was thinking of the age groups as being approximately < 40 for younger, 40 – 64 for middle aged, and 65+ for older. Of the 103 people, I assigned age categories to 92 of them.

Comment Lean

As the graph below shows, Trump-leaning comments outnumbered Biden-leaning ones by nearly a 2:1 ratio. There were also nearly as many neutral comments as Biden-leaning ones.

In Christmas, Fun

More Christmas Classics, Mormonized

Ziff11 December 20204 Comments

The Polar Express

A young boy is surprised to discover a train stopping right next to his house on Christmas Eve night. He learns that it’s going to the North Pole, so he boards it and finds it packed with children. Hot chocolate is being served, but the boy, remembering his study of D&C 89, righteously turns down this evil hot drink. The train rushes through forests and up mountains and finally arrives at the North Pole, where a

huge throng of elves is waiting for Santa to bestow the first gift of Christmas. The boy is chosen to be the recipient of the gift, and Santa tells him he can choose anything he likes. Eschewing the contents of Santa’s gigantic bag, the boy chooses a small stone that is sitting on the seat of Santa’s sleigh, because the stone appears to be glowing with a strange light. The boy is devastated to find when he returns to the train that the stone has fallen out of his pocket. Fortunately, Santa slips it in with the gifts the boy opens on Christmas morning. Sadly, though, the glow has disappeared. The boy thinks of putting it in a dark place, such as an upturned top hat, to see if any glow remains. He is delighted to discover that not only does it still glow, but it shows letters in sequence that make up a message. Thrilled, he transcribes the message and finds that it repeats over and over “Be sure to read your scriptures.” The boy’s friends are able to read the message too, but as time passes and they age, one by one they lose the ability, but for all his life, the boy is always able to see it.

In Statistics

Q15 Members Giving Thanks

Ziff30 November 202010 Comments

On the Friday before (US) Thanksgiving, President Nelson suggested that people share messages of gratitude on social media in the next week, using the hashtag #GiveThanks. I saw a friend of a friend on Facebook point out that the other members of the Q15 weren’t all equally diligent in responding to his call. As of a couple of days before Thanksgiving, a few had not posted with the hashtag even once. I thought this was a really interesting point. The Q15 members’ response might be thought of as a little case study in how important they find it to publicly show that they’re following the prophet.

This graph shows the number of Facebook posts each member of the Q15 wrote during the week prior to Thanksgiving plus one day afterward (because a couple of them also posted on that day using the hashtag). For comparison, I also checked how often they posted during the same time period in 2019. (Note that I didn’t count a post twice when the same post was written twice but just in different languages.)

President Nelson definitely got overall participation in pre-Thanksgiving posts up with his challenge. More interestingly, the Q15 members varied in how much they posted. Before I counted, I guessed that Elder Andersen would take the top spot, as he seems the most obsequious to me. I certainly wouldn’t have picked President Ballard and Elder Renlund as the top posters, although Elder Andersen was only one post behind.

Really, the differences among the Q15 members probably aren’t meaningful, with the possible exception of Elder Uchtdorf’s zero. It seems to me that he really made a statement by not responding even minimally to President Nelson’s suggestion. I mean, if he had just thrown one post up, he certainly wouldn’t have been alone. Five other Q15 members did no more than that. But Elder Uchtdorf didn’t even reach that level. He didn’t post around Thanksgiving in 2019, and he didn’t do it again in 2020.

I realize that this is very likely overinterpreting, but I wonder if he figured that President Nelson already demoted him out of the First Presidency, so he has no need to try to stay on his good side with public displays of loyalty, as he’s unlikely to be demoted (or promoted) again. Every other Q15 member is either already in the First Presidency or is a candidate, should one of President Nelson’s counselors pre-decease him.

What do you think Elder Uchtdorf’s refusal to hop to and answer President Nelson’s call means?

In Reviews, Statistics

Jana Riess’s The Next Mormons

Ziff24 November 2020

Of all the discussions I read on the Bloggernacle, probably my favorite are the ones where people share their experience with the church. I love to hear about people’s experience with YW activities or missions or weird Sunday School classes. Church policies and doctrines and history can be interesting too, but it’s really the contemporary on the ground experience that fascinates me the most. Given this, I’m really the perfect target audience for Jana Riess’s book The Next Mormons.

The book was published in early 2019, which I know feels like about a decade ago in coronavirus time, and I know I’m slow in getting around to comment on it, and that if you’re reading this, it’s likely you’ve already read it. But I’ll continue just in case you haven’t. The heart of the book is a survey of American Mormons that Riess and Benjamin Knoll designed and had carried out in late 2016. They got responses from over 1,100 current Mormons and over 500 former Mormons. They asked a ton of interesting questions that Riess reports results on in the book. For example, they asked about personal beliefs and worship and spiritual practices, serving missions, temple worship, and family size, as well as more controversial issues like women’s ordination, the priesthood/temple ban, and the November policy. The subtitle of the book is “How Millennials Are Changing the LDS Church,” so her focus is clearly on generational differences. But she also reports all kinds of interesting breakdowns by variables like gender, race, and current vs. former Mormon. Read More

In Fun, Politics

Captain Trumponi and the Title of Biglity

Ziff29 October 202029 October 202013 Comments

Utah Senator Mike Lee faced some backlash after he compared Donald Trump to Captain Moroni at a rally yesterday. In response, his office released the following passages of scripture about Captain Moroni to show that, with only a little tweaking, Trump is a perfect fit.

Alma 46:11-13

And now it came to pass that when Trumponi, who was the commander in chief of the armies of the Americans, had heard of these Democrats voting by mail, he was angry with Obamakiah.

And it came to pass that he rent his coat, which was a fur coat, the very finest; and he took a piece thereof, and wrote upon it—In memory of my mammon, my power, my owning of the libs, my wives and my affair partners and my affair partners who became wives and my one-night stands and my prostitutes and my porn stars and the victims of my assaults, and my children, Ivanka especially (and here, behold, he did add a winking emoji)—and he fastened it upon the end of a nine iron.

And he brushed on his majestic skin of orange, and his blue suit, and his red tie, and he girded on his holy MAGA hat about his head; and he took the nine iron, which had on the end thereof his rent coat, (and he called it the title of biglity) and he gathered his advisors and they all bowed themselves down unto him, and he charged them to pray to their God for the blessings of appointing judges and enriching the rich and punishing those with dark skin or an unknown tongue to rest upon him, so long as there should a band of white supremacists remain to possess the land—

In Doctrine, Family

By Divine Design

Ziff27 October 202024 November 20204 Comments

In one of the most often-discussed passages of almost-scripture on the Bloggernacle, the Family Proclamation reads:

By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.

I’m sure you won’t be surprised to hear that this isn’t one of my favorite parts. I don’t like the attempt to box women and men into prescribed gender roles. I especially don’t like it when these gender roles are attributed to God’s design, when it seems pretty obvious to me that they’re actually attributable to what the 1995 crop of GAs got comfortable with growing up. I think the opening phrase “by divine design” actually kind of signals this, as to me it suggests that the writers knew they didn’t have a scriptural leg to stand on when arguing for gender roles, so they figured they’d better just go big and claim that they (gender roles) came straight from God.

Thinking about this phrase more, it got me to wondering where else in Church rhetoric it had been used, because I swear I had heard it in contexts other than FamProc quotes. I thought these contexts might be interesting to look at. Because if I’m right that use of this phrase signals a speaker who’s grasping for authority but has nothing to cite, then it’s interesting to see where else Church leaders might want to assert things but realize they have no authoritative backing. (I realize that this is a big if, because even I realize this interpretation might be a bit of a leap. I’ll understand if you stop reading here.)

In General Conference

A Heretic Reviews Conference, October 2020

Ziff13 October 202018 Comments

Best visual aid: Carlos A. Godoy shared a picture of himself and his sister at the time they first investigated the Church as teenagers. I think it’s fun to see pictures of GAs back when they were younger, especially when they had long hair.

Most carefully vague visual aid: Dallin H. Oaks talked about the right to peacefully protest as a good thing, and accompanying his talk is a picture of some people protesting. The picture is very carefully taken to not actually show what cause the people are protesting about, though.

Weirdest visual aid: W. Christopher Waddell mentioned a Church-published pamphlet on personal finance that has been translated into a number of languages. The only image accompanying his talk is a picture of copies of this pamphlet in several different languages. I think it definitely would have been better to just have no image accompany the talk at all, as this one is pretty useless.

Best story: Dale G. Renlund told a story of two doctors discussing a patient who needed to be admitted to the hospital because of an ailment related to his consumption of alcohol. One doctor expressed frustration that the patient had brought his trouble on himself. The other reminded the first, “you became a physician to care for people and work to heal them. You didn’t become a physician to judge them.” I feel like Elder Renlund reinforced what he was saying with the story by describing both the patient and the first doctor in sympathetic terms. The patient was “a courteous, pleasant man,” and the first doctor’s frustration he attributed to “grueling training” and “sleep deprivation,” and he pointed out that after being corrected, she “diligently” cared for the patient.

In Fun, General Conference

Topics That Might Be Mentioned in Conference, with Associated Probabilities

Ziff28 September 20208 Comments

With General Conference, right around the corner, I thought it might be fun to make some guesses about topics that will or won’t be brought up by the speakers. But not only will I list the topics, for each topic, I’ll also provide an actual numerical estimate of the probability that at least one speaker will mention it. As a trained data tinkerer, I can assure you that these so-called “estimates” are completely made up! Please feel free to add your suggestions, or explain why my numbers are wrong, in the comments.

Topic	Probability
COVID-19 as a public health crisis	10%
COVID-19 as an analogy for a spiritually bad thing	50%
The need to stop the spread of COVID-19 by wearing masks	5%
The need to respect others’ beliefs about the dangers of wearing masks	20%
The announcement of official Church-branded masks, complete with the new logo, to be made available to all temple recommend-holding members	< 1%
The wickedness of the world, as evidenced by governments’ failure to label church meetings “essential” during COVID-19 lockdowns	60%
The wickedness of the world, as evidenced by some wealthy countries still refusing to provide health insurance to all their citizens.	<< 1%
Congratulations to Jacinda Ardern and New Zealand for handling the COVID-19 crisis so well	1%
Condemnation to Donald Trump and the United States for handling the COVID-19 crisis so badly	<< 1%
The importance of electing officials who will pass laws against abortion	10%
The importance of electing officials who will pass laws against gay marriage	15%
The importance of paying your taxes	< 1%
The importance of not going $300 million into debt	<< 1%
QAnon conspiracy theories as a bad thing	1%
QAnon conspiracy theories as a good thing	2%
Operation Underground Railroad	5%
Quote from Ruth Bader Ginsburg	< 1%
Quote from Amy Coney Barrett	1%
Reminder that racism is bad	1%
Reminder that property destruction is uncalled for, even when people have been treated badly	5%
Announcement of one or more new temples	95%
Announcement of five or more new temples	50%
Announcement of ten or more new temples	5%
Retraction of a temple previously announced	< 1%
Salt Lake Temple renovation found to be too costly; temple is to be demolished and rebuilt	< 1%
New all-Zoom temple ordinances	<< 1%
Tithing, and how it’s even more important during hard times	40%
Death, and how it’s part of God’s plan	50%
Six new apostles called to “pack the Quorum”	<< 1%
Family Proclamation canonized	10%
Restoration Proclamation canonized	15%
D&C 132 de-canonized	<< 1%
Earthly polygamy reinstated	< 1%
Hosanna shout to be re-performed each Conference until membership can “get it right”	5%

In Politics

How the Church Sets Members Up to Become Trump Apologists

Ziff25 September 202023 Comments

Like many other Mormons, I’ve been appalled in the last several years to see how many of my co-religionists are only too happy to cast their lot with Donald Trump. Trump seems like exactly the type of person who would have us clutching our collective pearls, given his history as a proud sexual assaulter and serial adulturer, not to mention his complete lack of interest in or knowledge of Christianity. And even setting aside his personal failings, his presidency has been a continuous series of policies that seem designed to be as anti-humane as possible, for example, his policy of separating families of asylum seekers at the US-Mexico border or his attempt to use remotely taught classes as an excuse to send all international college students home. And even setting aside his personal failings and vicious policies, there’s his naked racism, his constant shout-outs to and encouragement of white supremacists.

Of course none of these things about Trump are news. This thing wasn’t done in a corner. What’s puzzling is that so many Mormons–American Mormons anyway–are so supportive of Trump, so anxious to rush to defend him. I’ve even seen Mormons using the “God’s flawed vessel” language that I think is borrowed from evangelical Christians. How did this come to be, that a religion that is so big on rules around sex in particular, and rules in general for that matter, produced so many adherents who happily and even eagerly support such an awful person? I think the answer is that the Church set them up for it.

In Mormon Culture, Statistics

Ratings of Mormon Movies on IMDB

Ziff10 September 20208 Comments

After writing a silly post a few weeks ago with suggestions for movies the Church should make, I got to wondering how actual Mormon movies are rated on IMDB. I’m thinking here not just of Church-made movies, but of movies made about Mormons by non-Church studios, stuff like God’s Army or Saturday’s Warrior. I didn’t have any particular questions I wanted to answer with the data or any hypotheses to test. I just thought it might be interesting to look descriptively at what the ratings look like.

I got ratings from IMDB for a list of 75 Mormon movies. I made an initial list working from the following sources:

Movies I have personally seen or am aware of
Movies at least 30 minutes long on the Hard-to-Find Mormon Videos YouTube channel (which is for Church-produced movies only)
Movies appearing on the Wikipedia page on Mormon cinema
Movies Google suggested when I searched for “Mormon movies”
Movies appearing on some user-created lists of Mormon movies on IMDB

I dropped from the initial lists any movies that met any of these criteria:

Have fewer than 10 ratings on IMDB
Don’t prominently feature Mormons or Mormonism, unless the movie is made by the Church (e.g., Johnny Lingo is included even though it doesn’t mention church because it was made by BYU, but Napoleon Dynamite, which showed up on some of the searches and lists, is excluded)
Don’t take a positive view of Mormonism (This is an easy call for movies like The God Makers, but I also made some judgment calls based on descriptions and reviews I read on IMDB. For example, I used this rule to exclude the 1950 movie The Wagon Master, which has the protagonists guiding a group of Mormon pioneers, but it sounds like isn’t really a movie about Mormons, and the Mormons are more just neutral background.)

I grouped the 75 movies into four categories:

Church produced, scripture or Church history topic – 7 movies
Church produced, other topic – 6 movies
Not Church produced, scripture or Church history topic – 16 movies
Not Church produced, other topic – 46 movies

Ratings by Movie Category

One thought I had when looking at these ratings is that perhaps raters of Mormon movies, who I would expect to be largely Mormon themselves, might give these movies high ratings for reasons other than (or in addition to) thinking they were good. For example, giving Mormon movies high ratings might be seen as a kind of missionary work, because if you can inflate their ratings, maybe non-Mormons will be more likely to take notice and watch them and discover how great the Church is. I also thought these extra reasons might be more of a factor in rating movies that are closer to the core mission of the Church, so they would have the greatest effect for movies that are produced by the Church, or are about a scripture or Church history topic, or both.

This graph shows the average rating by category. Note that this is the average of movie averages, not the average of the individual ratings. I chose this to avoid having one movie count for more than another just because it received more ratings. I also wanted to use IMDB’s weighted average ratings, where they adjust the rating “in order to eliminate and reduce attempts at vote stuffing by people more interested in changing the current rating of a movie than giving their true opinion of it,” and these ratings are only available for movies as a whole, not for individual raters.

In Church Policy

A Monopoly on Exaltation

Ziff24 August 20205 Comments

I read a discussion in a Facebook group recently that touched on the use of Elder Bednar’s infamous “don’t choose to be offended” talk (the actual title is “And Nothing Shall Offend Them”) as an excuse for people to say or do offensive things. Anecdotally, it sure seems like this is the major use that this talk is put to. I’ve seen the talk referred to many times, but it has been a long time since I actually read it, so this time I did.

What struck me in reading the talk this time is that I feel like Elder Bednar is making perhaps a narrower point than I had thought. He opens the talk with a story about how, as a stake president, he loved to go with bishops in his stake to visit inactive members. He would listen to their stories, and then gently berate them for letting offense that they had experienced at church interfere with all the blessings they can get only from church, like the sacrament and the Gift of the Holy Ghost. He doesn’t say anything about the success rate he got from confronting people–I’m guessing he would have told success stories here if he had any–but the important point is that he isn’t telling us that they shouldn’t allow themselves to be offended in general. He’s telling us that we shouldn’t allow ourselves to be offended in a Church context, because we’ll be missing out on unique opportunities that we can get nowhere else.

I have always thought this talk fit with other talks on interpersonal relationships, on issues like anger or forgiveness. But now I think it actually fits better with talks like Elder Ballard’s “To Whom Shall We Go?,” where he asks people leaving the Church where they will go to get the support and ordinances the Church offers. Or with President Hinckley’s less confrontational but similar message where he quotes a young convert who was facing ostracism from his family as saying “It’s true, isn’t it?” and then “Then what else matters?” Or with President Nelson’s recent talk where he tried to close the temple work for the dead loophole so people wouldn’t think they could get away with living church-free lives now.

Especially in light of these other messages, the underlying assumption of Elder Bednar’s talk is that the Church has essential things–ordinances, but also teachings–that simply can’t be had anywhere else. It makes sense if this is true, then, that no amount of offensive behavior from local leaders, or indeed from general leaders, is a good reason to leave. The Church holds a monopoly on exaltation, so people who want to be exalted had better be willing to put up with anything so they don’t risk losing their access.

In the world of money and markets, monopolists are often guilty of (or perceived as being guilty of) leveraging their monopoly power to get more money out of their customers. The Church isn’t designed to be a money-making enterprise (although there may have been some mission creep). I appreciate that there are many things that General Authorities probably could do given the Church’s exaltation monopoly that they haven’t. They could increase tithing. “Where else will you go?” they could ask. They could inflict all kinds of more onerous burdens on members. They could require monthly or weekly temple attendance. They could require bishops to review members’ tax returns to be sure they’re paying enough tithing. They could re-start a United Order, and require members to deed all property to the Church. I think they don’t do things like this because they don’t see them as necessary, and again, unlike a business monopoly, they’re not trying to exploit the monopoly. They’re just pointing out that it exists.

In Fun

Mormon Movie Ideas

Ziff10 August 20206 Comments

When I was a kid, I watched a lot of Mormon movies. I’m talking about Church-produced movies that would be shown in Sunday School classes or maybe randomly at activities and for sure in seminary. I recall classics like the one about the guy who was wandering through a desert and found a pump that he had to prime before using. But instead of using the water left with the pump to prime it, he drank it, and then the pump ws of no use, and he stumbled out in the desert and died. Or “Cipher in the Snow,” the tear-jerker about the boy who died because nobody noticed him. Or the classic “Morality for Youth,” which my sisters and friends always simply called “The River Movie.” By the way, I really appreciate the unnamed person who runs the YouTube channel “Hard-to-Find Mormon Videos,” where you can watch these and many, many more.

So I got to thinking about what movies the Church should make next. I’m pretty out of touch with what’s being made now. I know there are lots of short clips that feature a snippet of a GAs’ talk voicing over people acting out something related to the talk. But I’m not up on what this generation’s river movie is, for example. Of course that didn’t stop me from coming up with a few ideas, which I’m sharing here. If anyone from the Church media department is reading this, I totally don’t mind if you borrow any of them.

In Polygamy

D&C 132 for Kids

Ziff3 August 202023 Comments

Here’s what the D&C Scripture Stories on the Church website has to say about Section 132. I’ve included both the pictures and the associated text below each picture.

Joseph Smith asked the Lord some questions about marriage. Jesus told him that a man and woman should be married by a man who has the priesthood. They should be married in the temple. If they obey God’s commandments, they will be married forever. [D&C 132:1-29]

Righteous people who are married in the temple will live in the celestial kingdom of heaven. Their children who obey God will belong to them, and they will be an eternal family. They will live with God and will become like Him. [D&C 132:1-29]

Jesus also told Joseph about the history of marriage among His people who lived anciently. [D&C 132:34-39]

That’s it. Three quick pictures. Not a word about polygamy. Nothing about the threats to destroy Emma. Really, though, I don’t blame the curriculum staff who put this together. It’s got to be a tough assignment to extract something that’s consistent with the Church’s current image of itself from that section.

In Fun

19 Reasons Why True Latter-day Saints Would Never Wear a Mask

Ziff22 July 20207 Comments

A bunch of people in Utah Valley, likely mostly Mormons, recently made clear how much they hate the idea of having their kids wear masks when they go back to school in the fall. And they have a good case. Here are 19 reasons why true Latter-day Saints would never wear a mask.

Mask is a four-letter word, like holy and moly.
If God wanted us to wear masks, we would be born wearing them.
President Nelson has communicated divine censure for use of the word Mormon, and other m-words are clearly also unholy (e.g., mutual, Missouri, masturbation).
Mask wearing is an attempt to frustrate God’s divine Plan of Pestilence (which took the baton from the Plan of Happiness just this year). All attempts to frustrate this plan, including but not limited to mask wearing, hand washing, social distancing, and vaccine development, are obviously wicked.
Masks interfere with sacred communication. As we learn in the temple, holy language would be muffled if spoken through a layer of cloth.
If mask wearing is so important, why does the inspired American Constitution contain the 3/5 compromise, where the vote of a mask-wearer counts for 3/5 as much as the vote of a bare-faced patriot?
Mask is only one letter different from mark, and a careful re-translation of the Book of Revelation indicates that it was the mask of the beast that the wicked would don in the last days rather than the mark of the beast.
Wearing a mask shows concern for one’s community, which is clearly an unholy perversion of God’s plan of looking out for number one. As the Book of Mormon teaches, “every man fare[s] in this life according to the management of the creature; therefore every man prosper[s] according to his genius, and . . . every man conquer[s] according to his strength.”
In football, which is an obviously righteous sport because it provides so much revenue for the Lord’s University, mask-related infractions come with among the most severe penalties.
Church Halloween activities ban masks, and just as the divine admonition to greet one another with “Merry Christmas” and not “Happy Holidays” extends beyond the Christmas season, so also does the requirement to not don masks extend beyond the Halloween season and throughout the whole year.
The BYUs ban beards, which are clearly nothing more than an attempt to grow a natural mask. The natural mask is an enemy to God, and so also is the artificial mask.
The righteous society that arose after Jesus’s visit to the New World, as described in 4 Nephi, “had all things in common among them.” Early Christians in the Old World did the same. The “all things” clearly included viruses, so wearers of masks are wickedly withholding and refusing to share their infections with their fellow saints.
A member of the Quorum of the Twelve has titled a talk “Don’t Wear Masks.” It doesn’t get any clearer than that.
Church leaders would never teach that clothing be chosen with an eye toward protecting those around you.
Wearing masks is trusting in the arm of flesh. Just as faithful Latter-day Saints reject all man-made medicine as the arm of flesh, should we not also likewise reject masks?
Jesus taught that believers would be protected from poison and snakes, not by masks, but by faith alone.
COVID-19 is a fake disease made up to embarrass God’s chosen vessel, Donald J. Trump. Does not COVID stand for Conspiracy Organized to Vigorously Impeach Donald?
Wearing a mask is nothing more than a trial run for a gigantic face tattoo.
Since when has an extra layer of clothing ever provided a shield or a protection to anyone?

In General Conference, Prayer, Statistics

General Conference prayer length

Ziff13 July 202016 Comments

When I wrote a review of Conference back in April, I noticed that the prayers were noticeably longer in this Conference than last October’s. It got me to thinking that although I have an intuitive sense of what feels like a short or a long prayer, I don’t know what actually counts as a short or a long prayer in comparison with other prayers in Conference. I was also interested to know whether there has been any trend over time in prayer length. Like maybe a new Church President sent a memo to all prayer-givers to tell them to hustle things along in their prayers, so they suddenly got shorter. And of course now that we’ve had women praying in general sessions for several years, an obvious question is whether their prayers are similar in length to the men’s or shorter (or longer!) My guess was that they would be shorter, given that men are encouraged to take up more space in every other area of the Church.

To answer these questions, I watched a bunch of videos of the beginnings and ends of General Conference sessions and noted who was praying and timed the prayers. The videos came from the Church’s General Conference YouTube channel and to the General Conference page on the Church website. Although there are videos of individual talks going back to 1971, there are only full session videos going back to about 2005, with occasional sessions or parts of sessions available for another decade before that.

As an aside, I’m serious about saying “parts of sessions.” The Church’s YouTube channel videos of full sessions are good for recent Conferences, but as you go back, they have lots of errors. There are several videos that are labeled as full sessions, but they end after five or ten minutes. There are a few that are mislabeled, which I only realized when the introduction in the video itself said it was a different year than the labeling of the video did. There’s even one video that shows the same session twice, back-to-back. On the Church website itself, there are a lot of sessions that claim to have video (i.e., there is a link to watch) but then they can’t be played. And there’s also at least some mislabeling. Fortunately, in at least some cases, the audio-only recording works. I submitted feedback on the Church’s website, but I couldn’t find a way to do so on its YouTube Conference channel. I know this is an extremely long shot, but if you happen to know how I could reach whoever is running it, I would be happy to supply a list of issues that need to be fixed.

Okay, on to the data! I noted lengths for 381 prayers between 1996 and 2020. (You’d think I would have had an even number since each session has two prayers, but like I was complaining about above, a few of the videos include only the opening prayer.) The average length was 93 seconds. This is within the range I expected, and it’s also consistent with my sense of what constitutes a long prayer, as while watching all these prayers, I typically started to feel like they were dragging when they went over about 100 seconds. It’s just unfortunate that older session videos aren’t available too, because I recall Conference prayers in the 1980s when I was a kid sometimes going on what felt like forever. Looking back, though, I wonder if it wasn’t just my age and shorter attention span that made them feel extra long.

This graph shows average length across time.

Note that the dot for 1996 is just because there were no recordings available for 1997 or 1998. It looks like maybe prayers were longer in the Hinckley years than in the Monson years. Maybe.

In Fun, Music

Joseph Smith’s First (or Second) Prayer

Ziff6 July 20202 Comments

Rumor has it that the folks assembling the new Church hymnal are planning to embrace the multiple accounts of the First Vision with a completely rewritten version of the hymn “Joseph Smith’s First Prayer.” We here at ZD are pleased to present this draft leaked to us from hidden sources deep in the COB.

1. Oh, how lovely was the morning!
Or perhaps ’twas afternoon!
Bees were humming, sweet birds singing,
Or the birds may have ceased to croon,
When within the shady woodland
Joseph sought the God of love,
Or he may have wandered, unplanned,
When he got word from above.

2. Humbly kneeling, sweet appealing—
’Twas the boy’s first uttered prayer—
Or perhaps he’d been concealing
Vocal prayers that were far from rare;
But undaunted, still he trusted
In his Heav’nly Father’s care,
Or he may have been quite daunted
And been filled with deep despair.

3. Suddenly a light descended,
Brighter far than noonday sun,
Or perhaps from earth ascended
Thick darkness that left him stunned,
While appeared two heav’nly beings,
God the Father and the Son,
Or it might have been just angels
Or a heav’nly being One.

4. “Joseph, this is my Beloved;
Hear him!” Oh, how sweet the word!
Or the Lord alone announced
Joseph’s sins would no more be heard.
Oh, what rapture filled his bosom,
For he saw the living God,
Or perhaps he found it humdrum,
And he noised it not abroad.

In Uncategorized

Take a Survey About Spirituality During the Pandemic

Guest24 June 2020

From a PhD student in Counseling Psychology at BYU:

“What we believe makes a real difference. Decades of research shows that religious beliefs affect individuals’ emotional well-being, including depression and anxiety levels. Believers tend to report greater peace, gratitude, and hopefulness than non-believers. However, we all experience troubles. As we experience increased isolation and hardships associated with COVID 19, our mental health can be affected. Researchers seeking to understand how our spirituality influences our emotional lives during this trying time invite you to participate in a brief 15-minute survey. We will report the results of this research on our blog in the future. Thank you for sharing your experiences!”

All participants are eligible to receive one of three $50 Amazon eGift cards given at random (odds of winning are about 1 in 200).

Link to survey

In History

Mormons Defending Confederate Statues

Ziff24 June 20206 July 202018 Comments

A few decades ago, I served a mission in the American South. This meant that I got to have lots of conversations with Christians who thought Mormonism was wrong from the get-go simply because we have extra scriptures in addition to the Bible. The Bible itself says you can’t add to or take away, they would say, so that’s all there can be. A point I sometimes tried to make in response was that even accepting all the books in the Bible as inspired does not require you to believe that they are the only inspired books. In other words, I was trying to separate the writers of the Bible from the compilers of the Bible, to point out that the compilers may not have had access to every inspired book, or they may have even made mistakes in leaving some books out.

Needless to say, this argument never made much headway with anyone I talked to. I remembered it recently, though, because the distinction between writers and later compilers seems parallel to a distinction that is relevant to the current debate in the United States about whether we should tear down monuments to Confederate soldiers and politicians. When people make arguments against removing these monuments because “you’re erasing history,” it seems to me that they’re missing the distinction between the historical figures who are portrayed by the monuments and the later politicians and private groups who chose to honor them. Just as the compilation of the Bible was done years (centuries) after the writing, and by different groups of people, Confederate statues were commissioned years later, by people other than those portrayed. To tear down a statue of a Confederate figure is not to pretend they didn’t exist. It is to say that we do not want to honor what they fought for. It is not erasing the history of their existence. It is disagreeing with the later groups who decided that what the Confederate figures had done was of good report.

In Race

Don’t Say His Name

Ziff5 June 20205 Comments

President Nelson made a statement about the killing of George Floyd and subsequent violence on his Facebook page on Monday (and it was also published at the Church Newsroom). There is much that I like in the statement. For example, he said in part,

We abhor the reality that some would deny others respect and the most basic of freedoms because of the color of his or her skin.

I’m frustrated at his vagueness, though. Unlike statements made by many other churches and their leaders (many compiled by Sam Brunson at BCC), he doesn’t name Floyd or specifically mention his death. His statement is boilerplate enough that it might have come in response to any unjustified killing of any black man. Or, really, any race-motivated incident of any kind anywhere. Well, except for his explicit calling out of “looting, defacing, or destroying public or private property.” He saved some specificity for that point.