Nacle Notebook 2018: Funniest Comments

This post is my annual compilation of the funniest comments I read on the Bloggernacle last year. In case you missed them, here are links to compilations from past years: 2017 2016 2015 2014 2013 2012 2011 2010 2009 2008.

Most of what I’m quoting here is excerpted from longer comments or posts. I’ve made the commenters’ names links that point back to the original source in case you want to read more. I’ve put the comments in roughly chronological order.

Em, in her post “Mercia Second Ward” at the Exponent:

Recently a remarkable cache of documents has been discovered that shows just how much medieval saints resembled modern day wards! . . . . The moment [the ward librarian’s] back was turned some breezy teacher would waltz in to make a few copies, ignoring the “library demons only” sign on the scriptorium  and wouldn’t you know it, the parchment would get stuck or start unravelling uncontrollably.  Oh look, there it goes again.  “This is so typical,” she thought as she heaved a giant tome of “church illustrations volume 7” onto the checkout desk.  “At least I get to miss Sunday school and talk with my friend.”  Despite its drawbacks, the Ward Librarian was a plum job even back then.

Comments on Bishop Bill’s post “I want to Rock and Roll all night….” at W&T:

The guitar, electric or not, became closely associated with heroin addiction in the minds of the highest leaders. Heaven forbid that anyone even think of plucking out the melody of any thing such as “Come Come Ye Saints” on a guitar. The youth might get mixed up and think it was condoning forbidden acts with your date.

I have to thank my seminary teacher for doing the backward masking play of Led Zepplin’s Stairway to Heaven in class to show us the evils of music. I never would have figured out how to do that otherwise.

Moss, commenting on April Young Bennett’s post “A Personalized Assembly Line Baptism” at the Exponent:

When someone else shows up and conducts [a baptismal service] it always reminds me of playing Dungeons and Dragons with my brother. Our party would be battling a monster, get it almost down to zero health, and my brother’s character would zip in from the sidelines where he had been safely observing and strike the final blow, getting all the credit (xp) for the kill in the process even through he hadn’t done jack.

Amy, commenting on Angela C.’s post “Sitting in Council: First Sundays” at BCC:

[Responding to Angela’s question about how the first Sunday council had gone]

Primary for me. And not only did we talk about Jesus, but Kylo Ren and The Flash too.

awanderingwarlock, commenting on Bishop Bill’s post “Hair” at W&T:

I grew out my hair/beard and dressed up as Jesus for DragonCon…what’s wrong with emulating the Lord himself?

Joni, commenting on Dave B.’s post “Surprise, No Surprise: Live Blogging the FP Reveal Announcement and News Conference” at W&T:

I wonder if the reason for removing Uchtdorf from the First Presidency is that Nelson was envious of the former’s luxuriant head of hair.

Is this the most follicularly challenged FP we’ve ever had?

hiriri, commenting on PeterLLC’s post “The Reluctant Samaritan” at BCC:

[On the question of how much we notice our neighbors’ needs]

My neighbors could be sacrificing farting elephants to Satan, and I would not notice.

HDP, commenting on Bishop Bill’s post “The Missing Phallus” at W&T:

[On a phallus missing from one of the facsimiles from the Book of Abraham printed in LDS scriptures]

The ins and outs of this hard subject is beyond my ability to grasp.

Rebecca J, in her post “Anarchy: a love story” at BCC:

[D]espite the fact that I’ve never been good with children, I was delighted to be called back into Primary. Because ever since I’d left Primary, church had become boring as heck (i.e. the boring version of hell).

Nathaniel Givens, in his post “Rereading Rasband’s “By Divine Design”” at T&S:

When you pray to get the job you’re interviewing for, what exactly are you hoping that God will do for you? Send the hiring manager a vision, or contact HR directly on your behalf?

Jack Hughes, commenting on Martin’s post “Not Even Once” at W&T:

[He begins by quoting a line from the post.]

“Some of them think raiding the kitchen between 2nd and 3rd hours to steal the Single’s Ward’s food for their linger-longer is okay.”

Guilty as charged. I do it every chance I get, and without remorse. It is completely unreasonable to expect me to resist the smell of tacos wafting through the halls of the church on a fast Sunday, when I’m at my hungriest and crankiest. Shame on those YSAs for taunting me like that.

TopHat, in her post “Pioneer Phil makes his 2018 Cumom Day Prediction” at the Exponent:

CUMORAH, Manchester, Ny – Mormonism’s most famous Cumom has made his prediction.

On Friday morning, as crowds gathered around, Pioneer Phil saw his shadow and predicted six more millennia of patriarchy.

Em, commenting on TopHat’s post:

So put your little hand in mine, there ain’t no hill of Cumorah we cain’t climb

Jacob Baker, in his post “Community Outreach for the Immodest and Indecent Among Us” at Rational Faiths:

[H]ere are some well-intentioned phrases that represent a mindset of equality and universal love that we should model for all scandalously-dressed women and other unfairly maligned jezebels . . . .

•”The truth is, I don’t see immodest women. I’m immodesty-blind.”

•”Some of my best friends are the immodest.”

•”I don’t think of you as *just* inappropriately dressed.”

•”Which culture does your particular immodest style come from? All cultures are so fascinating to me.”

•”You are so articulate for an indecent woman.”

Lynnette, in her post “Penitence: Some Reflections on Lent” at ZD:

When they asked us about the meaning of “penitent” at a church group I was attending the other night, I have to admit that the first thing that came to mind was Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, when near the end of the movie Indiana is going through various obstacles to get to the Holy Grail. The instruction is that “only the penitent man will pass,” and at the last minute, he realizes he has to kneel in order to avoid having his head chopped off. So when I hear “penitent,” I think, “be humble before God or be decapitated,” which seems like potentially useful information, especially if I ever go on a religious quest that involves elaborate traps.

MTodd, commenting on Martin’s post “Judgmentalism and Standards” at W&T:

As Joseph Smith said “Teach them correct principles and let them get dressed themselves.”

Bishop Bill, in his post “The One True Blog” at W&T:

There was in the place where we lived an unusual excitement on the subject of religious blogs. It commenced with By Common Consent, but soon became general among all the hosting services. Indeed, the whole Internet seemed affected by it, and great multitudes read the different religious Blogs, which created no small stir and division amongst the people, some crying, “Login, here!” and others, “Login, there!” Some were contending for Wheat & Tares, some for Main Street Plaza, and some for The Exponent.

[The post continues to tell the First Vision story from Joseph Smith history as a search for the One True Blog.]

Comments on Rebbie Brassfield’s post “On Media and “The World”” at BCC:

I once watched “Braveheart” in a conservative Mormon home, and every time something exciting happened on screen, the uncle would fiddle with the remote, fast forwarding and rewinding until he got *just* past the “bad stuff.” While he was thus occupied, I took the opportunity to sneak (G-rated) affection with his niece (my girlfriend). And there are *lots* of exciting scenes in that movie. 😀

A few years ago, we had a speaker quote The Godfather III in Stake Conference. When he was done, the Stake President stood up and said, “Well, I’m a little surprised to hear Brother so-and-so quote the Godfather in this meeting. I also have to correct him — that line was from The Godfather I.” It was epic.

I’m convinced that most of the book of Alma is the result of ward basketball games that got out of hand.

Angela C., commenting on her own post “Why Don’t More Women Serve Missions?” at W&T:

[After describing two types of sisters she encountered in her mission]

Now the elders, on the other hand, mostly fit into two categories: egomaniacal used-car-salesman frat boys and those who were not in leadership positions.

Comments on Ardis E. Parshall’s post “I Have a Question, 1955” at Keepapitchinin:

[Thinking back to when she helped out with weekday Primary]

It was also necessary to have a nursery for young children whose mothers were teaching, as well as infant holders for babies too young even for the nursery. I remember as a high schooler sitting in the church foyer during Primary reading analytic geometry to a baby who listened for a bit and then fell soundly asleep.

Even those of us who walked to Primary . . . had to have a pre-Primary activity to keep us occupied. In our ward, it was Pom Pom Pull Away (which we always called “Pomp”), Mother May I, Red Rover, or Red Light Green Light. I don’t know how others played Pomp, but we played the tackle version. That helped us get in the mood to sit reverently in Primary.

hawkgrrrl, in her post “Sitting in Council: First Sundays” at W&T:

[On how things changed when her Relief Society sat in a circle]

I found it much harder to play Candy Crush or shop on Amazon with all those kind eyes boring into me.

Michael Austin, in his post “You’ve Got to Admit It’s Getting Better: Steven Pinker and “The World”” at BCC:

[After discussing the Christian narrative of the decline of the world]

To resist the world, we have to (among other things) develop a relationship with God, obey lots of stuff, and stop being gay.

Comments on Grover’s post “Stephen King Should Not Have Been My Sex Education Teacher” at BCC:

[On how the gaps in her sex education needed to be filled in even after she understood the mechanics]

Age 12: I learned that “french kissing” was “kissing with tongue” and not “kissing somebody’s butt”

Age 16 (when I first started dating) – 25 (when I got married): I believed that having sex was like getting drunk. One minute you’d be making out — and then suddenly you’d be so aroused you would black out, all your clothes would come off, you wouldn’t even be able to think rationally enough to grab a condom, and you’d wake up naked and pregnant.

Most of the mechanics-of-sex information [in the sex education curriculum] wasn’t new to me, but I do remember internally scoffing at a boy for asking what oral sex is (phone sex, DUH), then being HORRIFIED at the answer.

I had some inkling of what was going on from… a Stephen King book. Eyes of the Dragon. In third grade, because my teacher had read it, had forgotten about that one scene, and thought it was a fun fantasy and would be a nice book to read aloud to us. When she got to that one scene she started stammering and finally put it away and never referred to it again. So of course I had to get it from the library.

Angela C, commenting on Rebecca J’s post “What does it mean to be worthy?” at BCC:

After visiting the Newel K. Whitney storehouse and hearing / reading the stories about the School of the Prophets and how 22 men would cram into that room smoking and chewing tobacco (to the endless consternation of Emma) and during whole days of praying and “exhorting” (and smoking and spitting), they had a personal witness of the savior. So clearly, according to our own religious history, smoking doesn’t exclude people from divine visions. I’ve sat in the back of my friend’s mom’s Scirocco while she was smoking in the front seat with all the windows up, and I gotta say, after a while I started seeing visions.

Comments on Kevin Barney’s post “Teach the Doctrine” at BCC:

[Responding to a line in the post where a teacher training had included concern that teachers not be simply entertaining or occupying the time of class members]

Well, I can assure them that they need not be concerned about adult Sunday School classes being entertaining.

[Describing an example of a lesson she has been in that did not focus on doctrine]

[A] Relief Society lesson from the Joseph Smith manual/year that was supposed to be about the temple but was instead about how Merlin (the magician) who was a prophet who had built temples in England during the age of King Arthur

They do something similar every time they come out with a new set of missionary lessons.

“NOW, missionaries will teach by the SPIRIT!”

(As opposed to all those other slobs for the past 150+ years who were called by God, and had to fumble along on their own because the Holy Ghost hadn’t been invented yet.)

Comments on Rebecca J’s post “The Myth of Invisible Fatherhood” at BCC:

[Responding to another commenter who said that King Benjamin never told the Nephites to send their kids away before he gave his speech.]

Since the text doesn’t mention it, it didn’t happen. I’m sure King Benjamin never took a bathroom break or had an infected rotten tooth, either.

[Responding to the same commenter as Dog Spirit]

Unless you are hinting at being one of the three Nephites, I don’t think you were there to see what they did with their children or whether they rode horses, tapirs, elephants or cureloms to King Benjamin’s sermon from the tower either. Forgive me if I just blew your cover, it can’t have been the first time.

Thunderchicken, in her post “Why Can’t You Leave The Church Alone?” at fMh:

[A]s a Church we’re not in the business of leaving people alone. If you’ve gone inactive, we will try and reactivate you, again and again. If you’ve ever agreed to talk to the missionaries as a non-member and your contact info is in their area book, they will find you. Again and again. . . .We don’t leave people alone. We will try everything we can to find them, to find them again, and again and again, and to reactivate them, again and again. Until we’re all dead. And then the fun continues in the spirit world.

Joni, commenting on Bishop Bill’s post “Where’s the Beef!” at W&T:

God doesn’t even seem to be internally consistent on this principle [milk before meat]. The introduction of polygamy, for example, was like giving a piece of sashimi to a newborn – with a big glob of wasabi on top.

Dave B., in his post “Please Don’t Rescue Me” at W&T:

[The post outlines a program for Church members who don’t want to be rescued.]

Will anyone at my ward or stake know that I have submitted a prospective PDRM form?

Early submission of the form will be kept entirely confidential. Only your bishop, his counselors, quorum leaders, auxiliary presidents and counselors, home teachers, visiting teachers, youth leaders, Sunday School teachers, ward clerks, ward librarians, and the ward newsletter specialist will be notified.

The Right Trousers, commenting on Bishop Bill’s post “God drives a Toyota!” at W&T:

[T]he early Christian church used to cram into a Honda to go to the temple. Acts 2:46: “And they, continuing daily with one Accord in the temple…”

Dave B., commenting on EmJen’s post “Avoiding Holier-Than-Thou Ministering” at BCC:

[H]is talk might have been titled “Beam? What Beam? Seek the Mote in Your Brother’s Eye,”

Rebecca J, in her post “Teaching Old Testament, Primary-style” at BCC:

I’m having a pretty good time teaching the Old Testament to my Valiant 9 class. . . . When we had the lesson on the Creation, [one student] wanted to act it out, and I, having nothing better to do with our time, said sure, why not. . . . At some point I did remember that it’s against the rules to let anyone portray a member of the Godhead in role-play situations, but by then it was too late, so I figured God would just have to forgive us this one time. Unfortunately, re-enacting the Creation turned out to be their favorite activity, so God has had to forgive us multiple times, but I like to think the Godhead understands these things.

Comments on Rebecca J’s post:

The primary manuals definitely still err on the side of assuming kids can sit, listen, and comprehend, and like the adult manuals, leave out some of the good stuff. (I’m trying to figure out how to work Jael into a sharing time.)

Request for a future BCC post:

Teaching Primary, Old Testament-Style

Teaching Primary, OT-style: If it involves she-bears, my 11-yo is totally on board. That’s the only scripture reference he has memorized.

Some of the lesson objectives (what the kids are supposed to learn) are a HUGE stretch from the actual scriptures. In the Jacob and Esau lesson they suggest a “game” in which you list behaviors and the kids decide if it is an Esau behavior (unrighteous) or a Jacob behavior (righteous). But when the behavior was “Cheating on a test” the boys all said Jacob, because of course he would.

Another Valiant 9 teacher here. . . . I put myself at one end of the room, them at the other end with a slingshot and a bag of marshmallows, and they each tried to hit me between the eyes, so that they could see what David was up against. I’ve never forgotten it, and neither have they, as evidenced by a retelling in a sacrament meeting talk a couple of weeks ago by a thirteen-year-old deacon: “We all missed. It’s a lot harder than you’d think.”

hawkgrrrl, in her post “Hiding History” at W&T:

Before I got married, I mentioned to my mom that I had tried on some wedding suits and that one of them made my butt look fat. My mom was alarmed that I said this in front of my fiance. I pointed out that it wasn’t like I was going to be in a position to hide it if my butt looked fat.

Grover, in her post “10 Reasons Why Mormons Should Love “A Quiet Place”” at BCC:

Mormon families who can keep their 8 kids (ranging in ages from 18 years to 18 months old) reverent and quiet during three hours of church can now brag about how much longer their family would live than the rest of us.

Angela C, commenting on Steve Evans’s post “Male Friendships” at BCC:

It’s a shame we don’t have more social opportunities for men and women to do things together. We seem to be convinced like Pence that book clubs are just a bowl of keys away from an orgy.

Dave B., in his post “Suddenly, Everything is Ministering” at W&T:

[M]inistering is such a broad concept that it invites the sort of pious exaggeration that Mormons are good at. Expect a Primary song about ministering soon. Maybe ministering added as a Young Womens value as well. The five-fold mission of the Church: perfect the Saints, proclaim the gospel, redeem the dead, care for the poor and needy, and minister to everyone.

Comments on Dave B.’s post:

Maybe it is going to be like the new Coke. Before long we are pleading for Home Teaching to be reinstated.

My JW friend just stopped by, and this reminded me that she has done more “ministering” to me this month, than the entire past two years from my ward members.

Rockwell, commenting on Jared’s post “Presenting What is Negative Isn’t the Essence of the Problem” at W&T:

One possible content warning*:

“The following film depicts actions that are known by the state California to increase chances of getting divorced.”

* This film depicts a wedding. People that get married are more likely to get divorced than people who don’t get married.

Heptaparaparshinokh, commenting on PeterLLC’s post “There’s a time and a place to rat out your neighbor, but church isn’t it” at BCC:

[T]here are a lot of folks who are Lawful Neutral at best and more likely Lawful Evil, whereas Christ is on the boundary between Neutral Good and Chaotic Good.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go dust my Warhammer miniatures.

April Young Bennett, in her post “The Super Obvious Advantages of Male Biology to Priesthood Leadership” at the Exponent:

On average, men are taller than women. This makes it possible for men to keep important priesthood artifacts such as sacrament trays on high shelves and retrieve them without the worldly aid of a step stool.

Comments on April’s post:

I am concerned that you have not addressed the well known capacity of a penis to act as a radio tower for receiving revelation from heaven. Women’s anatomy more closely resembles a satellite dish. Who would use a satellite to communicate with deity when a radio is around?

You’re forgetting some important stuff. Like a lot of men, on average, have bigger hands than women do. This important for things like holding those slippery trays. I can barely pass it to my husband on the row without dropping it. Also if I were to lay my hands on a head it would probably look like little baby hands and everyone would laugh and not take the ordinance seriously.

Comments on Starfoxy’s post “Garments are Symbols of the Atonement” at BCC:

[Responses to the suggestion by another commenter that garments be replaced by a tattoo]

Do they hold you down and cut out the tattoo when you are excommunicated?

[S]ince visible tattoos are frowned upon they would have to be done with invisible ink that only shows up under ultra-violet light that can only be seen when black light bowling or when being scanned for entrance at the pearly gates.

Kristine, commenting on Kevin Barney’s post “8 or 4?” at BCC:

One advantage of a 5 year cycle [for scripture study in Sunday School] would be disrupting the correspondence between studying the Book of Mormon and US election years. If I never had to hear that the Gadianton robbers are the Democrats again… 😉 I’d gladly spend two years (or 4) on the Old Testament.

Rebecca J, in her post “Marriage and the best-laid plans” at BCC:

I feel reasonably confident that my marriage will last, if only because my husband and I are too lazy to split up. (Also, we kind of like each other now.)

MTodd, commenting on Rebecca J’s post:

[M]y wife and I have occasionally talked divorce. . . . Most recently my wife and I considered getting divorced just so on our son’s FAFSA we could use her piano teacher income instead of my corporate salary.

Martine, commenting on J. Stapley’s post “Defending the Temple and Priesthood Restriction as God’s Will” at BCC:

I only recently heard about BY’s “theological framework” regarding Cain being cursed because he denied Abel a posterity. . . . Unfortunately Brigham wasn’t familiar with the standard Mormon answer “it will all be worked out in the next life” members throw at everyone who questions the illogic temple sealing policies. How much pain might have been avoided!

Scott B., in his post “Upgrades the Church Should Totally Go For Now That Everyone Knows We’re Loaded, Ranked.” at BCC:

Friends of Scouting becomes Friends With Benefits of Scouting

Comments on Scott B.’s post:

Outbid AT&T for the naming rights to the Cowboys Stadium to be hereafter known as the Religious Free-Dome.

Shouldn’t temple recommends now be laminated, with security features such as ultraviolet ink, holograms of the three Nephites, and RFID access at the doors? No more slips of paper that self-destruct after 2 uses, and lonely temple workers half-asleep at the desk.

And how about an Alaskan style rebate on all heavenly taxes. That should stimulate greater investment in the wall between the Telestial and Terrestrial kingdoms (don’t want the murderers and rapists getting across the border into mediocre land (Making the Terrestrial Kingdom Luke Warm Again)).

Bottled water for the sacrament. I’m not saying it has to be perrier, but would a flat of Costco water bankrupt us? Arizona tap water is awful. And when I lived in SLC our charming 1920s building plumbing was such that if they forgot to run the water for a few minutes before filling the trays, it tasted like glue. I always pray that blessing and sanctifying the water make it taste better, but so far all I’ve gotten is not being lethal.

[M]ake Moroni part of a Tesla coil on certain temples, just because. (I want to see, uh, “divine lightning” incinerate that stupid billboard next to the LA Temple that always has trashy ads on it.)

Comments on Sam Brunson’s post “$32 Billion?!?” at BCC:

And at the end of the day, if you don’t like the way the Church invests their money, there are plenty of things you can do about it. You can gripe to the Bishop, you can complain to the Stake President, you can refuse to hold callings, you can sow discord throughout your ward, and you can even donate money to places where *you* think it should go. “Bring ye all the tithes unto the storehouse, and don’t you even think about giving to anybody else, for I am a jealous God, and will not have you supporting the United Way, or women’s shelters, or the Shakespeare Festival, for these things are an abomination in my sight….”

[A]s a member who does still pay tithing, I am glad that the Church doesn’t have it [money] all sitting in a 24-story mattress at the COB.

Joni, commenting on Violadiva’s post “LDS Church to revise Hymnal & Children’s Songbook for global church and to fill doctrinal gaps!” at the Exponent:

I’ll bet you an ebenezer “Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing” gets put back in.

April Young Bennett, in her post “R-Rated Scripture” at the Exponent:

Through a little skit, Mormon children were learning a Book of Mormon story. In the scripture story, a missionary named Ammon gains favor with a king by cutting thieves’ arms off. The young girl portraying Ammon passed a bunch of paper arms to the person playing King Lamoni. “Thank you,” ad-libbed the King. “But I don’t like arms.”

Comments on J. Stapley’s post “2018 Preach My Gospel edition” at BCC:

I served a mission in Europe, where the key indicator reports would have been a whole bunch of goose eggs. (In one area, our BoM numbers were actually negative, because we were getting them back faster than we were giving them out.)

Must we still use the phrase “key indicators”? I thought we were getting away from the model of missionaries as traveling salesmen. “Key indicators” sounds like something an Alec Baldwin-esque district leader would scream about while pushing the ABCs (Always Be Converting).

Michael, commenting on Carolyn’s post “A Mormon’s Guide To Coffee Breaks and Happy Hours” at BCC:

The problem with the medical permission is that as described so far, the coffee is preventive and is not guaranteed to make a difference in any specific individual. Large numbers of people would have to be drinking it for many years to achieve a benefit in a fewer who are not identifiable at this point. It is not like the bishop can look into a seer stone and select the 15 or 20 people in his ward who would benefit in their old age and tell them to start drinking coffee.

Pilar, in her post “ShadowLeaks™ Releases LDS Church’s Sacred Memos” at Sisters Quorum:

[Q15 members’ suggestions for the new hymnbook]

President Russell M. Nelson has rewritten two hymns (“Let us All Share Kind Posts on the Facebooks” and “Did You Think to Pay?”) to reflect our changing times. (Sacred Memo #2) . . . .

David A. Bednar contributed an astoundingly impressive 100 new verses to the children’s song “Quickly, I’ll Obey.” For brevity’s sake, “only 99 of the most inspiring could be included.” (Sacred Memos #8-10, 46-58, 66-78, 105-141, 158-195)

[Note: Pilar’s post made me laugh the most of any that I read on the Bloggernacle last year. I definitely recommend the entire thing.]

Tessa, in her post “Letters to a Beleaguered SCMC Member” at fMh:

Are you receiving any sort of salary for this? I certainly hope so! Your time is valuable, and you deserve to be compensated for that time. I hope they didn’t guilt you into service by declaring this a calling and expecting you to put in 20+ hours a week for free. I’d suggest you band together with other SCMC members in collective action. But, being a shadow organization and all, it may be hard to identify those other members. Unless you all share an office. Is this more of a freelance/contractor gig or are you all on the same computer bank in some non-descript office building in downtown Salt Lake?

Artemis, in her post “Guest Post: An Open Letter to the Stake President Concerned about Breastfeeding” at the Exponent:

[Suggestions to a stake president who was concerned about the effect on teenage boys of women openly breastfeeding at church]

Designate a small room for the tempted to retreat to. The room should have a functioning audio system, be furnished with comfortable chairs, and not be connected to a smelly bathroom, but maybe not.

HHB, commenting on Artemis’s post:

To all the commenters who keep circling back to that Holy Grail, the *simple, light, covering*…

I am currently in the midst of a mutually-agreed-upon weaning process with a wiggly, ridiculously distractable 15-month-old who has NEVER had the attention span or wherewithal to nurse like a good normal human boy. Keeping him latched with any consistency has required near-constant vigilance for countless hours over the last year+ of my life as he goes on and off the breast like an old man sipping lemonade on a lazy summer afternoon.

. . . . So you/your wife/your sister/mother/daughter/cousin/neighbor/whomever nursed 14 babies under a handmade quilt on the head of a pin without ever breaking a sweat or flashing a sliver of inappropriate flesh… Bully for her!!! She must have been extra super righteous to have been blessed with such a cooperative body and infant. Maybe a modicum of compassion could be mustered, though, for those of us telestial nursing moms who didn’t qualify for that blessing—probably due to us being fence-sitters in the pre-existence or some such.

Gilgamesh, commenting on Steve Evans’s post “The Rest of the Lord” at BCC:

From the title, I thought this post would inform us that right now we only have 2/3 of the Lord. We get the rest of the Lord when the final 3rd is unsealed and translated.

nobody, really, commenting on Chris Kimball’s post “Testing Bishops for Skills, Aptitude, and Narcissism” at BCC:

We as a Church seem to live in abject fear that somewhere in the ward, somebody has some free time, and if we don’t immediately fill it, they will go merrily skipping off to Sodom and Gomorrah.

Comments on Steve Petersen’s post “Is Pioneer Day too Utah Mormon?” at BCC:

Probably the hardest part of Pioneer Day is the overwhelming cognitive dissonance from seeing pictures of members of the First Presidency dressed in cowboy hats and western attire.

We would have had a full-fledged revolt had we not held some sort of Pioneer Day celebration. I can picture at least five elderly couples calling the Stake President, demanding that he immediately release and excommunicate all local leaders for dereliction of duty, right up there with the reintroduction of polygamy, or using Jack Daniels in place of water for the Sacrament.

Comments on Grover’s post “Fragmented Thoughts from a Former Breastfeeder” at BCC:

[On the issue of BYU students painting models in leotards rather than nudes]

We need to stop encouraging fake nudes.

If the sight of a woman breastfeeding uncovered makes you uncomfortable, I recommend . . . look[ing] the other way. I don’t promise it will be easy, only that it will be worth it.

Bishop Bill, in his post “The Ties that Bind” at W&T:

[On the issue of neckties reducing blood flow to the wearer’s brain]

I still wear a tie to church, but since my cognitive abilities are on the decline anyway due to old age and watching the Simpsons, I don’t want to exacerbate it, so I keep my tie nice and loose.

Comments on Carolyn’s post “Trademark Mormon” at BCC:

[On dropping use of “Mormon” to label the Church or its members]

You are all ignoring the most far-reaching implication: what are we supposed to use as flippant shorthand for the literal-minded among us? TBRGoJC doesn’t have the same zazz as TBM.

I always (ALWAYS) reference the British Open as the UK British (Scottish) Golf Open Presented by Her Majesty Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God, of Great Britain, Ireland and the British Dominions beyond the Seas Queen, Defender of the Faith. Ya know, just in case there’s any confusion.

I can remember singing Evan Stephens’ song “I am a Mormon Boy.” Somehow “I am a member-of-the-restored-church boy” just doesn’t have the same ring to it. Oh, well, I didn’t really like that song much anyway.

“Are you a Mormon?”
“Well, I used to be, back before I wasn’t, prior to when I was, but then we had a big ‘I’m a Mormon’ PR push and I was again, then for awhile I wasn’t sure, but now I’m not anymore. So, like, I have an I’m A Mormon page, but “Mormon” is now offensive to me and my Savior, so… I don’t know. Ask me tomorrow!”

Maybe in ten years I will bump into some missionaries and say “I used to be a high priest in the mormon church. I even had 100 percent home teaching!” They wont know what the hell I’m talking about.

lastlemming, commenting on Clark Goble’s post “What’s in a Name?” at T&S:

Friend: What church do you belong to?

Me: COJCOLDS

Friend: Oh, I’m sorry. Here’s a Kleenex. Now about the church you belong to…

Marivene, commenting on hawkgrrrl’s post “The Ward Moving Company and Other Free Labor” at W&T:

I have a daughter who is a physician. Requests to treat for free within ward boundaries are surprisingly frequent, & apparently not limited to LDS, since this was covered in their last year of med school. They were advised that before they could give an informed medical opinion, they needed to examine the patient, so the request in the aisle at church was met with “take off your clothes”, which you can imagine did not go over well. The requests stopped.

Comments on hawkgrrrl’s post “Call Me Cordelia: The Church’s Name Change Announcement” at W&T:

As long as they are going to make this change, they ought to consider recognizing the other members of the LDS Godhead. How can we possibly leave out a reference to Father in Heaven? “The Church of God the Father, His Son Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost of Latter-day Saints” seems like a much bolder and more accurate proclamation.

Every time I was in labor in the hospital, filling out forms, I had to write out the preferred religion. “LDS” wins when one is in labor. I’m too lazy to even type the full name on my phone when I’m not in labor, come to think of it.

Comments on Angela C’s post “Free Labor or Free Loaders” at BCC:

Men should be able to cook as well as women. I have yet to use my uterus in meal preparation.

Chapter One, where the duties of the moved are laid out.

1. Thou shalt have thy crap packed up, boxed up, and thy electrical cords girded up with zip ties. Thou shalt also provide a clear, wide path between thy couch and thy front door, for the Road to Perdition is littered with boxes and toys of the children.
2. Thou shalt provide bottled water, regular soda, and diet soda as well. Sodas with the drugs of alertness shall also be provided, for thou art robbing some people of nap time. Thou shalt not provide that store-brand swill, which is an abomination in my sight. If thou expect services during meal times, thou shalt certainly provide that meal, lest thou be regarded as the infidels and ungracious hosts.
3. There shall be no requests to go get something out of storage. Unless thou move within the borders of thine own land, thou shalt not expect multiple stops and destinations from anyone but thyself.
4. It is naughty in my sight to request help if thou hast given no help in days past.
5. If thy servants have other tasks to perform, thou shalt send them on their merry way with thanksgiving. Thou shalt not require of them “just one more thing”, for it is never just one more thing, and thy servants have places they must be.
6. If thou hast “interesting” items in thy bedroom, thou shalt have these packed up and on the truck before the youth arrive. These items shall be in boxes labeled with something that nobody wishes to explore, like “Doctrines of Salvation and Mormon Doctrine, 2nd Edition”, for nobody needs to see thy toys, thy loincloths, and thine tools of bondage.

Tyler Scott, in his post “Church Name Change: 10 Reasons to Stay Mormon” at W&T:

“I’m a Mormon” is a highly relatable PR and missionary campaign that has been well received by Mormons and future-baptized-against-their-dead-bodies-will Mormons.

Michael, commenting on Michael Austin’s post “The Testimony Trap: Does it Matter if the Church Is True?” at BCC:

I am a literalist when it comes to this statement: The church is true,

The church is a building made of wood and concrete and such, True is a construction term that means everything is level and the walls are perpendicular to the floors and so forth. This worked pretty good for me ….

Until a bully we called Fatdog punched me during a church basketball game before my mission and I tripped him and he caved in one of the walls. That wall is still crooked, they never fixed it.

Em, in her post “Dear Sister Sassy: Sacrament Questions” at the Exponent:

Dear Sister Sassy,

. . . [A]t what age I should let my kids start taking the sacrament. I’m thinking around 18 months when they have a good handle on eating solids?

Anxious to do the right thing

Dear Anxious,

. . . Your 18 month old has made no covenants and so should be forbidden to take the sacrament.  This is not a personal choice you make as a family based on how you want to teach about the sacrament, this is a dictum that applies to everyone because my seminary teacher once said so!  The best way to teach a child the importance and sacredness of the sacrament is by making sure he or she never participates and instead is ostentatiously excluded. If your child takes a piece of bread or a cup, swat it right out of their hand.  Better a disrupting scene than a child profanely eating wonderbread. This of course also goes for a fetus or even a blastocyst.  Women who are pregnant or who may become pregnant would be wise to forgo the sacrament so they don’t accidentally expose their child to a reminder of a covenant they haven’t made.  You can’t be too orthodox!

April Young Bennett, commenting on Em’s post:

A friend of mine recently brought up a question about face cards. Is it possible to feel the Spirit while playing Spades? Does it help if you refer to “Aces” as “Holy Ghosts” if you play on the Sabbath?

Sam Brunson, in his post “Socialism and Satan’s Plan” at BCC:

Frankly, there’s a lot about socialism that I’m skeptical of (unless, again, you define socialism as any type of social safety net program, in which case, (a) I’m a raging socialist, and (b) you suck at definitions).

Michael, commenting on Angela C’s post “Missionary Safety: Brainstorming” at BCC:

Another idea is to encourage missionaries to keep as pets attack dogs. Lord knows how many dogs have chased and bitten His anointed. Let’s turn this problem in the other direction.

Bro Jones, commenting on Ziff’s post “More Conference Predictions” at ZD:

Church leaders will announce a new MMO (Massively Missionary Online) video game for Windows, PS4, Xbox, and Nintendo Switch. Players will defend virtual families from threats and be able to have realtime chats with online missionaries. All conference talks that previously decried video games as idleness or violent indulgence will instead suggest that everyone recommend this game to non-members.

Comments on Dave B.’s post “LDS Sunday School, the Two-Hour Block, and the Book of Mark” at W&T:

Here’s another idea: make all local leaders physically attend every Sunday School and Priesthood meeting, every Sunday. Then things would change in a hurry. The present system is like Congress passing laws that apply to everyone except members of Congress.

I would modify Dave B’s suggestion . . . Instead, I would recommend rotating members of the 1st Presidency and Q-12 into six month sabbaticals to teach Sunbeams in random wards and attend the ward’s Sacrament meeting (preferably sitting behind one of the Sunbeam’s families). They will certainly love the kids, but might start to wonder about 3 hour church.

Comments on Bradley Burgess’s post “Let Us Worship How We May?” at BCC:

May I put in a word here for incense? The olfactory as portal to the divine has been honored and practiced for centuries. Bring your own and burn it in the kitchen. Also ecstatic dance, shouting hosannas & speaking in tongues (if necessary, in the kitchen).

You don’t need incense, I’m sure every ward has a Young Living, or DoTerra rep, or both, who would be happy to diffuse some oils during the service. Then sell them to you after.

Rusty Clifton, in his post “Go and Do Likewise?” at BCC:

Now, I want to point out the scenario that we crafted for ourselves. It was perfect. Here I am, a self-professed Christian who has all sorts of smart things to say in Sunday School about Jesus’ teachings, so many of which are about helping others. Meat for the hungered and drink for the thirsty? Check. She’s the least of these, right? “Who is our neighbor?” This homeless stranger who appears out of nowhere, that’s who! You’ve heard of the Good Samaritan, I’ll show you a GREAT Samaritan!

Last Lemming, commenting on Ziff’s post “Book of Mormon Stories that Get a Chuckle Out of Me” at ZD:

3 Nephi 3:13. Yea, he [Lachoneus] sent a proclamation among all the people, that they should gather together their women, and their children, their flocks and their herds, and all their substance, save it were their land, unto one place.

I imagine Lachoneus sending out something like the following memo:

My previous proclamation is hereby amended to insert “save it be your land” after “all your substance.” All land that has been successfully gathered to one place is to be returned immediately.

Mike R., commenting on Ardis E. Parshall’s post “Bicycles, Tricycles, and Velocipedes (and Cricket Supplies!)” at Keepapitchinin:

[The post shows an ad from the Juvenile Instructor in 1893 that advertises, among other things, “base ball, lawn tennis, and cricket supplies.”]

“Cricket Supplies”: I’m assuming mostly seagulls.

Bishop Bill, in his post “So Called Intellectuals” at W&T:

What if every time a secular newspaper, when referring to church leaders, used “President Nelson, the so called prophet”, or “Elder Oaks, a so called apostle”.

Dave B., in his post “Coming Soon: LDS Church, Home Study Version” at W&T:

I can just imagine the following directive in the new manual: “After reading the assigned scripture, invite class members to verbally judge each other’s religious behavior for five minutes. Point out that the warm feelings that accompany this activity are the Holy Spirit bearing witness.”

Michael Austin, in his post “Misreading Scriptures the Right Way” at BCC:

[In] my dissertation . . . I looked at various literary retellings of biblical narratives and the way that they were deployed in various 17th century debates . . . Public debate at the time consisted largely of identifying proof texts that supported your view and explaining away the proof texts that support the opposite. You know, kind of like Gospel Doctrine class.

Dave B., commenting on churchistrue’s post “Greg Prince 2018 Sunstone talk” at W&T:

While leadership generally shies away from making direct claims for infallibility, it also won’t tolerate members who embrace the idea of leadership fallibility. So you might describe the Mormon position as passive aggressive infallibility.

Libby, in her post “Conference Bingo: Historic 2018 Edition” at the Exponent:

[Bingo squares for things that might be announced in Conference]

Church-Run Food Storage MLM

Missionaries Called to Mars

Mandatory 12-Deep Youth Interviews

Mutual Replaced by Forced Group Dates

thelma, commenting on WVS’s post “First Presidency on Coming Schedule Changes in Church Meetings” at BCC:

[H]aving already reared my children, I’m kinda upset my children don’t get to fight their kids for all 3 hours.

Rockwell, commenting on Steve Evans’s post “Revelation and name change” at BCC:

I humbly suggest that you use the proper name and title, as in “President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, even Russel M. Nelson” so that readers are not confused into thinking that you are saying he is president of the United States.

Comments on Sam Brunson’s post “Mormon Obedience: On Disregarding the Prophet’s Preferences” at BCC:

If he had asked Wendy “do you think this will work?” she might have replied “Not Even Once”.

I am very much looking forward to my BYU teaching evaluations that say I facilitate the work of Satan because I sometimes use the word Mormon. That’s sure going to be fun.

One thing about “The Good Place”… I must say that it has ever changed, even if just slightly, the impact of the name of my home town… American Fork.

Dave B., in his post “At Conference: A Bunch of Revelations” at W&T:

[T]his isn’t one of those here today, gone tomorrow revelations like The Revelation on First-Sunday Councils In Priesthood And Relief Society Where We Talk A Lot But It’s Not A Lesson. This is a real one, it’s here to stay, and it deserves a name. So I have named it The Revelation on Not Using The Term “Mormon” Except For The Book of Mormon — Another Testament of Jesus Christ. If you think that title is a bit too long, think of it every time you say, “No, I’m not a Mormon, I’m a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints,” instead of “Yes, I am.” Short, pithy responses are out. Long and awkward titles are in. Get with the program, you recalcitrant Progressive Member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Comments on Dave B.’s post:

In the spirit of calling things by their proper name, I will no longer refer to Russell M. Nelson as The Prophet but by the correct name of the offices he holds in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, even the President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, President of the High Priesthood, and President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

I’m still going by “former Mormon”. Not going to say “I used to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints”

hawkgrrrl, in her post “Ruminations on a 10-Day Social Media Fast for Women & Girls” at W&T:

[Quoting Isaiah 3:16-24] Because the daughters of Zion are haughty, and walk with stretched forth necks and wanton eyes, walking and mincing as they go, and making a tinkling with their feet . . .

Dude has more opinions about women’s appearance than the Avon Lady and seems to be channeling an incel.

Talon, commenting on Carolyn’s post “Informal Gospel Study Groups” at BCC:

I definitely remember hear my parents speak about the ills of study groups in the 80’s. People getting together to study “mysteries” and “deep doctrine”, which was followed by affairs, entering into polygamy, and secret temple ceremonies held in stake centers by rogue stake presidents. For them it was right up there with playing Dungeons and Dragons in terms of evilness.

Left Field, commenting on hawkgrrrl’s post “Changes in the Church” at W&T:

[Responding to another commenter who referred to “Elder Packard”]

I couldn’t help but smile wondering if Elder Bednard served in a quorum somewhere with the oft-referenced Elder Packard. Perhaps in a church led by President Monsond or President Nelsond.

Melyngoch, commenting on Ziff’s post “18 More Websites That Should Be Blocked on Church Wi-Fi” at ZD:

If I had a nickle for every time I looked over in Gospel Doctrine to see someone playing Danites Creed or Curelom Age, I would still have no money to pay tithing on. I don’t like to bring it up in any case, for fear someone will block me out of OKHolyGhost, and then how am I supposed to spend Sunday School?

PeterLLC, in his post “Is Competent Public Administration the Downfall of the Modern Miracle?” at BCC:

In other words, why turn to your Elder Brother . . . when you’ve already got a Big Brother keeping the trains running on time and the garbage collected?

Angela C, in her post “When the Jay Dubs Came to Call” at BCC:

[The beginning is a quotation of Matthew 10:29-31.]

Are not two sparrows sold for a farthing? and one of them shall not fall on the ground without your Father. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear ye not therefore, ye are of more value than many sparrows.

. . . . There were a few things that always struck me about this passage when I was a child:

  1. Were there a lot of birds just falling dead out of the sky at some time in the past? Why? What happened to them?
  2. Why would God or anyone bother to number the hairs on our heads? What possible value is there in that information? If God truly loves us isn’t it more important that he knows us, not just weird facts about us? Does he also know the numbers of hairs on our arms and other places? Is he just really into hair?
  3. How many sparrows (worth apparently half a farthing each) is a human worth? “Many” sounds like a finite number of sparrows. What is the trade value from sparrows to humans?

Comments on Angela C’s post:

I once had a seminary teacher that promoted [bibliomancy] as a valid way of engaging with the scriptures and seeking inspiration from God (pray about a problem, let your scriptures fall open, find the answer on that page). Even then I thought it to be an intellectually lazy approach to studying the scriptures. It seems a bit sacrilegious to treat the scriptures as a Magic 8-Ball.

Bibliomancy was made into a running gag on my mission. Every six weeks, the night before we were notified of transfers, we would call other missionaries in our district and share “transfer prophecies,” where we would flip to a random scripture and read it on speakerphone for all four of us to hear. We would pick apart the words in a mocking attempt to predict where we would be transferred. A wagon might mean you’re going to a car area.

KLC, commenting on Andrew S.’s post “Religious Trauma, Transformation, and the Middle Way” at W&T:

I am an LA Temple cafeteria mormon. I always go for the macaroons.

wreddyornot50,345,235.580, commenting on Carolyn’s post “Reasons Why I’m Not Changing My Name, Ranked” at BCC:

I don’t know what Adam and Eve were thinking. Uninspired? They could’ve made it all so simple: Adam1, then Adam2, then Eve1, Adam3, Eve2, etc., etc. When Adam3 married Eve10 and had kids, it was just a matter of everybody up and down the generations keeping track of the next unused numbers. . . .

There now. Fixed. Genealogy done. Clerks everywhere celebrate.

John W, commenting on churchistrue’s post “Bill Reel’s Disciplinary Court” at W&T:

You all know the saying: As Bill Reel is, John Dehlin once was. As John Dehlin is, Bill Reel will become.

Talon, commenting on Scott B.’s post “People at BCC Who Should Not Rank Things, Ranked” at BCC:

Brunson. Religious Tax Exemptions Commonly Overlooked by Atheists, Ranked

Lanabean, in her post “Christmas Book Review: 250 Fascinating Facts About LDS Temples” at the Exponent:

One of my kids thought this would make a great Christmas present, and another said it *might* be a good present, but was concerned that it would replace all the toys otherwise received. These are very real concerns. We must tread carefully where toys are at stake.

Comments on Kevin Barney’s post “I Am a Christian Boy” at BCC:

[Quoting and responding to another commenter]

“My turning point came when another member kept correcting me when I was telling a story a few weeks back.”

SisterStacey, you must remember that the favorite indoor, non-contact (for the most part) sport in our church is correcting, finding fault with, and criticizing fellow members, which usually occurs behind the target’s back. I don’t know that we are the best at it, but we’re pretty darn good.

[Alternatives to calling Church members “Mormons”]

Here are my nominations, all of which are very succinct and usable:

Non-Strangite-Rigdonite-Campbellite Christian Mormons Who Chose to Leave Illinois Back in the Day

The Christ-Centered Church Formerly Known as the Mormons

The Christian Church Whose Kitchens Are Only to Be Used for Warming, Not Actual Cooking

Christian-Adam-ondi-Ahmanites

The Two-Hour-Block Christians (formerly known as the Three-Hour-Block Christians)

The I’m-Not-Going-To-Pay-A-Lot-For-This-Mufflerites

When the copyrights of our hymns were turned over to IRI, I worried we were on the path to becoming the Reserve Church, whose members would be known as Reservists.

Ardis, commenting on Bob and Kay King’s post “Mormons in the 2018 Congressional Election” at BCC:

[Responding to another commenter who chastised the original poster for using “Mormons”]

I don’t know what your problem is, DD, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

Eugene, commenting on Bishop Bill’s post “The Sealing Crises” at W&T:

If we are lucky enough to make it to the celestial kingdom only to discover there is no sex or steak, are we allowed to go somewhere else?

Comments on hawkgrrrl’s post “Genealogy: Wishful Thinking Edition” at W&T:

[Responding to another commenter whose genealogy had been traced back to Adam and Eve]

One branch of my family has also been traced back to Adam and Eve. That genealogical work was done by a professional in SLC in the 1950s. I did notice, however, that the chart gets to Adam and Eve through both Greek and Norse gods! What’s your route?

I think the 14th Article of Faith reads, “We believe we had an ancestor who was Joseph Smith’s or Brigham Young’s bodyguard.”

LauraN, commenting on Ardis E. Parshall’s post “Cheesy Crust” at Keepapitchinin:

I was able to attend a couple of conference session in person. There were several people standing around with signs . . . One of the signs read something to the effect of, “Someday God will profess “I never knew you’ to all of you Mormons.”

I thought, Um, he already has. We’re all ex-Mormons now.

Michael Austin, in his post “Viral Marketing, Echo Chambers, and the People Who Used to Be Mormons” at BCC:

The Internet runs on outrage. This hasn’t always been the case. In the early days, it ran on Star Trek and porn. But that could only go for so long before people started getting more and more outraged about Star Trek and porn. Or Star Trek porn. But you know what I mean.

Nate, commenting on PeterLLC’s post “In Whose Wisdom Do You Trust?” at BCC:

[Responding to an Ensign article author discussed in the post who compared revelation to a pain in his knee that doctors couldn’t diagnose for a time]

Mormonism presumes that personal revelation constitutes evidence of objective realities outside of ourselves: “I felt a warm feeling after reading the Book of Mormon, therefore, Mormon was a historical figure. . . .”

. . . The correct analogy for the author would be: I can feel loose cartilage in my knee: therefore, I know that everyone has loose cartilage in their knee.

Hedgehog, commenting on PeterLLC’s post “Discovering the Truth About Santa and Other Gift Givers” at BCC:

As my own children were growing up we explained Father Christmas as a game that parents like to play with their children. I absolutely didn’t want to lie to them.
My son reports that this did not stop him from believing that singing Popcorn Popping made the popcorn pop however…

Dave B., commenting on hawkgrrrl’s post “Salem Witch Trials & Religious Freedom” at W&T:

When was the last time you had a church lesson titled “How to properly interpret visionary or dream experiences?” Like never.

Comments on Bishop Bill’s post “The Bishop’s Wife” at W&T:

If they ever tried to call me as a bishop, I would first point out that my wife holds the keys as to my wearing my beard. Since she’s the one who has to find me attractive, her authority in this matter exceeds even that of President Nelson himself.

I suggest every woman let it be known she is a loose cannon in order to protect her husband and family from the trials experienced by Bishops and their families.

7 comments

  1. Okay, this is going to take some time to go through, but you should have some early response — I’m giddy with anticipation!

  2. I look forward to this post every year and it never disappoints. This year is no exception.

    But I feel a little bad getting credit for my comment about how to refer to The President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Later-Day Saints, even Russell M. Nelson, because I’m pretty sure I saw a someone else, probably a woman, say it first. Score one for the patriarchy, I guess.

  3. I made the cut again!

    (Not to quibble about details, but my comment was actually in response to someone who referred to an “Elder Bednard,” no doubt getting confused with the much better known “Elder Packard.” who served in the Quorum with the well-known “Elder McKonkie.”)

  4. Thanks, everyone! I’m glad you all enjoyed this. And sorry I got the context wrong for your comment, Left Field.

Comments are closed.