Why steal a sculpture of Joseph Smith and Brigham Young?

Four people stole a sculpture of Joseph Smith and Brigham Young from a Salt Lake business park earlier this week. The sculpture, which depicts the two men sitting together on a bench, has already been recovered, but the thieves’ motive remains unknown.

Here are ten theories for why the thieves might have stolen the sculpture. Please share yours in the comments.

  • They were acting on behalf of Jon McNaughton, who had plans to sculpt Donald Trump sitting on the bench next to Joseph and Brigham.
  • They were insulted by the fact that the sculpture weighs about 800 pounds, as they felt it was a subtle insult to associate Joseph and Brigham with the term “800 pound gorilla.”
  • They were planning to use it as a ring toss target at a county fair. Get a ring on Joseph = win $1. Get a ring on Brigham = win $2. Get a ring on both simultaneously = go away, you dirty-minded heathen!
  • They were planning to send it on the spaceship Hagoth I as part of a message to extraterrestrial civilizations as evidence of intelligent life on earth. Also going: recordings of 30 different GAs saying “supernal” in their Conference talks.
  • They are UTA secret agents, and they were planning to put the sculpture on a TRAX train in an attempt to shame fare skippers into paying.
  • They were planning to install the sculpture on a float to improve their chances of winning the People’s Choice Award in the Days of ’47 Parade.
  • They were going to award the sculpture to the top seller next month in their new MLM business.
  • They were planning to install the sculpture in front of their new ice cream shop, Prophet’s Parfait.
  • They were planning to use the sculpture as a prop in a road show entitled “Seven Brides for Two Brothers.”
  • One of their teenaged children wanted to ask a classmate to a school dance, so as dutiful parents, they were simply borrowing the sculpture so that the intended date could be lured to sit on the bench, whereupon the teenage offspring would ask, “What doth it prophet a man if he gain the world, but not have a date to the dance?”

 

5 comments

  1. I would really (really really) like to see the script for Seven Brides for Two Brothers.

    But I agree with Laura. The last one is really the only explanation that makes sense.




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  2. Hey Ziff,

    Are you going to do another three-year update on modesty rhetoric? Curious if that drop-off in the Friend continues.




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  3. Thanks for your interest, Jonathan. I wasn’t planning on it, sorry! I guess it seems to me like the rhetoric is going nowhere but up. Or at least not down, for sure. I don’t know for sure. I’ll probably get back to it at some point, but it might be a while.




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