Nacle Notebook 2014: Funny Comments

This post is a list of some of the funniest comments I read on the Bloggernacle last year. (Here are links to collections from previous years, in case you enjoy this one and haven’t seen them before: 2013 2012 2011 2010 2009 2008.)

Most of the quotes are excerpts from longer comments. Also, I’ve made a small change from previous years: this time in addition to comments, I’ve included a few post excerpts, in cases where the excerpts can be appreciated as standalone comments. I haven’t included any of the many funny posts I’ve read that were funny end-to-end, since excerpting from such posts would mean losing the context and the full effect of the humor.

I’ve made each commenter’s name a link to the original so you can go read them in their full glory and original context if you wish. I’ve put the quotes in roughly chronological order.

Brad, commenting on Steve Evans’s post “O Youth of the Noble Birthrate” at BCC:

[On the question of how to increase the birth rate among Mormons]

Get rid of garments. Problem solved.

Comments on Steve Evans’s post “Police Beat Roundtable XXV” at BCC:

[Things seen and heard while working for BYU police]

Freshman who didn’t realize it might be offensive to dress in a gorilla suit with a mask of Pres. Obama, couples calling 911 because they don’t know how to have sex on their wedding night, and a man who once tried to get a car parking permit for a horse.

I happily misread, “. . .something greater than the sum of their pants.” That reading absolutely vibrates with multiple meanings; I envision a bumper sticker: “Be more than the sum of your pants!”

Mtnmarty, commenting on Kaimi Wenger’s post “The Heavenly Family: A Proclamation” at T&S:

Speaking of pet philosophy, can all dog breeds go to heaven or only goldendoodles?

hawkgrrrl, commenting on Guy Templeton’s post “2nd New Temple Movie Released” at W&T:

The Satans are always the best. They, uhm, rule.

Roger, commenting on wheatmeister’s post “Missionaries on Facebook (Weekend Poll)” at W&T:

18-year olds supervised by 19-year olds …. What possibly could go wrong??

LauraN, commenting on Ardis E. Parshall’s post ““I Take Up My Pen”: French Mission, 1939” at Keepapitchinin:

[Following a discussion of the font used in a historical document presented in the post]

I’m suddenly imagining a simple type face in reaction to the overly ornate rococo called ‘Sans Seraphim.’

hawkgrrrl, commenting on RJH’s post “Dear Church, We Need Our Sabbath Day Back” at BCC:

Growing up we traveled 45 minutes each way and my dad had hours of meetings afterward so I usually stayed and attended the other ward’s meetings (there was no overlap and there was even an hour break in between). Maybe I can count that as prepayment.

Comments on Andrew S’s post “4 Reasons Why Disaffected Mormons Become Atheists” at W&T:

I like being Catholic for a lot of reasons. . . .  I mean, if you are going to be part of a religion, why not one where you get to EAT GOD every week, and where heaven is a beer party hosted by Jesus?

I got baptized because I fell in love with Heavenly Father, not because I wanted to join the Borg Collective

Comments on Nate Oman’s post “Some Thoughts on the Inevitable Failure of the Ordain Women Movement” at T&S:

I often hear the argument that “Christ would have given women the priesthood if he had wanted to.” But under that same logic, we should also deny women the opportunities of missionary service, praying and speaking in general conference, and singing in our choirs. . . . In fact, now that I think about it, women should also be excluded from fishing and riding on boats.

[On possible changes to the temple]

As for the endownment, . . . Allowing people to sit where they like and harmonizing the clothing would be one of the easier changes, though it could lead to the need for an “usher ordinance worker” to make sure no one is making out.

annegb, in her post “Drama in the Temple: Thumbs Down” at Mormon Mentality:

[On one of the new temple movies]

I can’t put my finger on why Satan bothered me, well, maybe because he came off as such a tool. Satan should be smart and deep. . . . It would be hard for that air-headed punk of a Satan to tempt me into anything.

Dorothy (DW), commenting on Thunderchicken’s post “If You Tell Me One More Time That Women Are Naturally Nurturing” at fMh:

[Responding to another commenter who brought up the question of women’s versus men’s biological drive to nurture]

Humans also have a biological drive to hoard fat but that isn’t an excuse to go around eating donuts and bacon all day. Unfortunately.

New Iconoclast, commenting on Angela C’s post “Global Toilets I Have Known: A Memoir” at BCC:

[On toilet paper substitutes]

In the course of a Civil War reenactment, I have used a corncob. While not pleasant, it isn’t as bad as you might think, if you go with the grain. 🙂

Michael, commenting on Russell Arben Fox’s post “Leaving a Changed Magazine Behind” at BCC:

I used to try to listen to the audio version [of the Ensign], but I got really, realy sick of hearing The Primary Voice urgently pleading with me to change my wicked ways in every article. Now I can’t read the thing without hearing that same tone of voice in my head.

So, I listen to Glenn Beck instead. Same message, but presented in a more entertaining way.

Comments on Kyle M’s post “You’ll Get the Type of Church Members You Write For: 8 Suggestions for The Ensign” at BCC:

So I guess my chief reason for not reading the Ensign is that the Ensign doesn’t feel written; it feels produced. It is the Velveeta of ecclesiastical publications. It might be a processed cheese food, but it ain’t cheese.

I’ll say this, at least the Ensign isn’t the Reader’s Digest … yet. I rue the day when the Ensign’s headline reads “20 Things Your Bishop Won’t Tell You” or “50 Reasons Why Temples Are The Best.”

But if the Ensign were more interesting, I’d feel guilty about not reading it.

Could we have a “Mormon Modest” swimsuit issue? One with illustrations of what-to-wear side by side with what-not-to-wear. Still no reading, but at least half the magazine would get examined.

The Teachings of the Prophets manuals sometimes read like a ransom letter made of individual words cut out of magazines.

Amy T, commenting on Ardis E. Parshall’s post “The Ward Music Guild 2: Congregational Singing” at Keepapitchinin:

[Answering questions asked in the document presented in the post]

[1. Does a good director act as a dictator, or does he guide by gentle persuasion?]

1. Why bother asking the question when the answer’s obvious? A dictator, of course.

[2. How may choristers and organists best cooperate before the congregation?]

2. They shouldn’t. Life’s so much more interesting when the organist and director have an ongoing public feud.

[3. What should be the leader’s chief contribution to congregational singing? What may be some disadvantages of having a leader?]

3. Waving an arm randomly and artistically? Showing up late and freaking out the organist? Spending a very long minute turning the hymnal to the right page? Demanding to choose the music without consultation with the organist?

Comments on Jessie Jensen’s post “Pants: A Review” at BCC:

For what its worth, you (and Gene Wilder) have inspired me to wear a bright purple suit for Pants Day III – Revenge of the Myth. I’m still planning my wardrobe for Pants Day IV – A New Hope.

[On what an Extraction Room is]

It’s where they keep the bishop’s storehouse of rats and face-cages.

But seriously, Jessie, don’t forget that you ‘get’ the kind of man you ‘dress for.’ A woman who wears pants to church may very well ‘get’ a man who wears pants to church!!!

You mean it doesn’t work out that women who wear pants get men who wear kilts? Bummer.

Suzanne Neilsen, commenting on Thunderchicken’s post “Why My Socks Did Not Get Me A Good Husband or Rape Culture 101” at fMh:

[Responding to another commenter who said “If you want to date a gentleman you have to dress like a lady.”]

I want to marry a billionaire. So I’m gonna dress as Anna Nicole Smith.

Comments on Angela C’s post “Here’s to Me, Mrs. Robinson” at BCC:

[The post discussed the rule banning missionaries from entering a member’s house unless an adult of the same sex is present]

Yes, this rule is enforced in our mission. There’s also a strict missionary dinnertime of 5:00 p.m. . . . The elders have enjoyed many a meal sitting outside on our deck, while my wife (akin to the harlot Isabel) prepares their food inside.

I distinctly remember my 18 yr old sister and I being alone in the house with the missionaries upstairs in our bedroom (I was 15), and one of the Elders threw me over his shoulder and gave me a swirlie in the upstairs bathroom. Needless to say I was quite surprised when at 33 they told me they couldn’t cross “the Devil’s threshold” of my front door unless a third male was present.

If Nephi could justifiably break a “rule” and cut off a dude’s head because the Spirit told him to, then I figured my companion and I were OK to teach the single female investigator unaccompanied.

The only time I taught an investigator alone is when I had to tie my companion to his bed to prevent him from masturbating. Talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place! But we all had some good laughs about it, in the end.

So can a missionary request only unattractive companions, to avoid SSA temptation?

One of my best friends at BYU had her introduction to the Church be a make-out session with a missionary at a party he probably shouldn’t have attended. I never had the nerve to ask what it was about him that impressed her enough to investigate and then join the Church.

Grant, commenting on Ardis E. Parshall’s post “I’d Invest with This Young Man” at Keepapitchinin:

[Commenting on a picture of a young Spencer W. Kimball]

Silencing forever the doctrine of hairdo infallibility.

Comments on Scott B.’s post “Feed My Missionaries” at BCC:

Once again in our mission feeding the missionaries is now off the table. It has gone back and forth over the last decade several times, first it is our duty to feed them, then it is our duty to not distract them with food, now it is our duty to feed them…

Sorry to be a snob, but Papa Johns is the outer darkness of pizza. In the Catholic Bible, there are additional verses explaining that Jesus began his 40-day fast when Joseph came home with a Double Cheeseburger XL with extra olives and a 2 liter of Pepsi Max.

Everyone knows when Jesus said “Pizza I leave with you, my pizza I give unto you,” he was talking about pepperoni Hot Pockets. Why do you think the Romans and Pharisees banded together against him? Too radical.

Dave K., commenting on Scott B.’s post “BFFs With the Mormons Except When We’re Totally Not” at BCC:

[On Trail Life, USA, a new more conservative alternative to the BSA]

According to the article, the Trail Life Oath calls on the boys in part “to serve God and my country, to respect authority, and to be a good steward of creation.” I wonder if “creation” includes stuff that is older than 6,000 years, like the goblin valley pillars.

Living in Zion, in her post “Dumb things I’ve said from the pulpit” at Mormon Mentality:

[Brigham Young] was pretty progressive on his denouncements on sweets, the importance of eating free-range beef and having work/life balance. He would be considered an Organic Foodie nowadays, with a healthy dose of sexist pig.

Grant, commenting on Ardis E. Parshall’s post ““I Take Up My Pen”: Tabernacle Choir, 1903” at Keepapitchinin:

[After he had misplaced an apostrophe in a previous comment]

I don’t do apostrophe’s any better than, commas.

Hunter, commenting on Scott B.’s post “March Madness – Early Mormonism & False Prophets Regions” at BCC:

As for voting for Satan, sorry, but I’m on the fence.

Comments on Aaron R.’s post “What do you wear when you go out with the missionaries?” at BCC:

Well I should like to see the look on the missionaries’ faces if I went out with them in a suit and tie.

Where’s the option for slovenly casual?

Kyle M, commenting on John F.’s post “Do they know?” at BCC:

[On people being asked to give sacrament meeting talks on Conference talks]

Talking about someone else’s talk is only tolerable if I’m allowed to make up stories about their childhood.

Comments on Em’s post “Church Games” at the Exponent:

When my husband was in the bishopric, he and I used to play a version of “testimony bingo” every fast Sunday. We would flip a coin ahead of time to determine who would pick first, and then we would alternate choices until each of us had a list of five people we thought would bear their testimony that day. The guy in our ward who wore a homemade badge because he thought he was a CIA agent was considered “the free space” and was off limits as a choice because he got up first at every testimony meeting. The best part of the game was that it allowed me and my husband to share a little “moment” together from the pew where I sat with our kids across the chapel to where he sat on the stand. That moment could be one of triumph if someone from one of our lists got up to bear their testimony or it could be one of disappointment if someone on one of our lists stood up in the aisle but went out the back to go to the bathroom (or wherever) instead of going up to the stand.

My dad and I always tried to make up inappropriate alternative lyrics to the hymns. My favorite was always the chorus to “Carry On” #255 – “And we hear the buzzards singing.. carrion – carrion – carrion!”

And then there’s “No toilet paper here” instead of “no toil nor labor fear” … I can’t remember any others at the moment, but we giggled about it often enough that my mom asked to be released as the organist so she could sit with us and keep us in line.

Kaimi Wenger, commenting on his own post “When Civil Disobedience Isn’t” at T&S:

[Responding to another commenter who asked when Drink a Latte Day is, after Kaimi mentioned it in the post]

[T]hat would be February 30th. Mark your calendar. General conference of the Latte Day Saints.

Kyle M, commenting on Scott B.’s post “Mormon March Madness – Sweet 16” at BCC:

It’s kind of too bad Elijah won’t have an opportunity for a rematch with the priests of Baal. They really caught fire during the last matchup, though Elijah’s hot hand prevailed.

hawkgrrrl, commenting on Katie L.’s post “How I’d Handle Ordain Women if I Worked for the LDS Church’s PR Department” at fMh:

[Responding to another commenter who said, “Further kicking against the pricks is counter-productive.”]

No need for name calling. Let’s keep it civil.

Comments on Scott B.’s post “Mormon March Madness – Elite 8” at BCC:

Jon McNaughton will paint a picture of the Priests of Baal, thereby trapping their souls in the canvas, and stripping them of all their power! (Naturally, the priests will be worshipping a Muslim from Kenya who likes to dance on the constitution.)

I would love to see the McNaughton mouseover of the BCC permas–explaining the “symbolism” in each of our portraits. “I symbolically painted Steve Evans as the devil, because Steve Evans is the devil. I symbolically painted Karen H. as a grasping feminist who hates children, because Karen H. is a grasping feminist who hates children. I symbolically painted Scott B. as an irreverent hyena, because he is an irreverent hyena. I painted Matsby symbolically setting fire to my sacred works of art, because Matsby set fire to my works of art.”

Josh Smith, commenting on Julie M. Smith’s post “Equal Means Something” at T&S:

[Responding to another commenter who said Socrates and Jesus were executed for being trolls]

Neither Socrates nor Jesus were executed because they were trolls. . . .

Everyone knows that Socrates was a hobbit.

Jason K., commenting on Steve Evans’s post “April Fools” at BCC:

Troll haiku:

Yes, I read the post.
Why don’t you just leave the Church?
Ban me now, Evans.

Comments on Jessie Jensen’s post “Must Wear Watch” at BCC:

[On lists made at YW activities of characteristics to look for in a husband]

The first thing on [my] list was that he should love God more than he loved me. This has been revised to “should consider me godlike.” 😉

I learned . . . that the YM once had an activity that included ‘writing a list of qualities they wanted in an eternal companion’, but once they’d finished they were given the plot twist that these were the characteristics they needed to develop. Somewhere out there, are men with 34D chests and Sexy Legs.

Comments on Alliegator’s post “Saturday Morning Conference Open Thread” at fMh:

I made a whole Velcro topic/speaker thing for my 5 year old son, and my reaction to this talk is I DON’T HAVE A PICTURE CARD FOR PORNOGRAPHY!

Reminds me of a (most probably apocryphal) story, about a guy who tried the singing a hymn thing every time he was tempted…end result was an erection every time he heard Come Come Ye Saints.

Comments on the post “The “Temple in Kirtland” Saturday morning session” at BCC:

[Commenting on the appearance of one of the speakers]

Such nicely correlated hair.

Pornography has been creeping into the regular sessions a lot in the last few GCs. The topic, that is.

Also, if Adam and Eve provided such a perfect family environment, why did Cain kill Abel? Shouldn’t he have learned not to do that in FHE?

andrew h, commenting on the post “The “don’t write Apostles” Saturday afternoon session” at BCC:

Is there any point to the very generic auditing report that has been word for word the same for decades? Just ONCE I would like to hear them say, “We caught some guy in the Church Carpool siphoning gas” or “One Bishop was absconding with funds, but he is gone now.” Something to break up the sameness.

RickH, commenting on the post “The “Mormon Olympian” Sunday afternoon session” at BCC:

If opposition proves truth, the good folks at Fox News have been fervently testifying of Islam lately.

hawkgrrrl, commenting on wheatmeister’s post “Shame on You! (Weekend Poll)” at W&T:

We are taught we are “craven perverts in the image of God.”

Brian, commenting on Mathew’s post “Agreeable, Vol. III” at BCC:

Dr. Pepper is the result of true transubstantiation and should be treated with the reverence it deserves.

Allyson, commenting on Thunderchicken’s post “Losing The Relief Of Relief Society” at fMh:

I’m curious if a “Borg collective gone wrong” also means there could be a Borg collective gone right? . . .

Also, Borg Collective Gone Wrong might be a cool feminist-y band name.

Comments on Steve Evans’s post “The Proper Domain of Revelation” at BCC:

I hate tapioca almost as much as I hate celebrating Jesus’s birthday on April 6.

Huh. Just this Sunday we were talking about how the lost tribes would return in their spaceship on April 6. They will rescue the other tribes who are hidden under the polar caps and join the three Nephites, the apostle John, and Bigfoot Cain. They will then unseal the sealed portion of the plates, which will reveal the Book of Zelph, as written by the prophet Onendagus.

Avoiding all waterways because they are ruled over by Lucifer, they will work their way along the land, slaying all those who have killed so they may be atoned for. They will then go from house to house, cleansing the people by burning face cards, pouring out diet coke, and divorcing interracial couples.

They will save the Jews in Israel from destruction at the hands of communists and then gather all the literal descendants of Christ for a meeting in Adam-ondi-Ahman, where they will plan the 24 temples to be built in Independence by the hands of the Tongans and Samoans. Only then will we meet Heavenly Mother, who shall be revealed as Eve, wife to Adam, and the first of many wives.

The Lord has many other revelations for us, but they are too glorious to be discussed outside the temple.

Ardis E. Parshall, in her post “Is It Ethical to Eat Mormons?” at Keepapitchinin:

[On search terms that led people to her blog]

One searcher wanted, apparently, general information on this subject:

history of beards

while another searcher had very high requirements for his search:

best magnificent beards in man’s history

I hope Orson Pratt’s beard qualified.

Paul Reeve, commenting on Ardis E. Parshall’s post “Is It Ethical to Eat Mormons?” at Keepapitchinin:

But, come on, Ardis, don’t keepa us hanging. Is it ethical to eat Mormons? I need answers, preferably before dinner tonight.

BHodges, in his post “Holding out for a (recognizable) hero” at BCC:

Consider the object lessons of Symonds Rider (sp?) or Thomas B. Marsh . . .

The Other Clark, commenting on Guy Templeton’s post “Yes, or I Do?” at W&T:

[On whether it’s better to say “yes” or “I do” in a marriage ceremony]

Either is better than “I suppose,” or “If I have to.”

Mathew, commenting on Jessie Jensen’s post “Mother’s Day Debrief” at BCC:

As we were getting ready for church I told my wife that she was a good mother and she said “Yes, I set the tone for our family. And the tone is yelling.”

kevinf, commenting on Ardis E. Parshall’s post “Footnote 43” at Keepapitchinin:

[On the story of a non-Mormon man killed by unknown assailants in Salt Lake in 1866 after a dispute over land rights]

I loves me some unsolved murder cases. Any chance it might have been a drone strike? Those Danites were pretty ingenious, if you believe all the stories.

Comments on Mathew’s post “Agreeable, Vol. IV” at BCC:

[On the question of how to feed friends and family joining in a gathering after a baby blessing]

You could serve manna, I guess, but if I recall that story correctly, it would be all worm-infested if you hoarded enough for 45 people. I guess you could have the guests bring their own manna, and that would work. Hence the potluck tradition.

[On whether a food truck could be hired to serve tacos at such a gathering]

Only if the truck serves mild barley drinks along with its Sabbath tacos.

Dave K, commenting on Kevin Barney’s post “Pure for God” at BCC:

[Kevin explained in the post that the mark on a necklace being marketed as meaning “pure for God” didn’t actually mean that, but instead was used by the ancient Jerusalem temple to track patrons’ payment for ritually pure commodities.]

Darn you Kevin. Do you know how painful it is to remove a “Pure for God” tattoo?

Katie L., commenting on her post “A Proper Church: On Mormon Women Stand, Church PR, and Listening and Engaging in the Body of Christ” at fMh:

The idea of casting off parts of ourselves that cause offense is intended as a teaching that draws us inward, to examine our own offensive parts. It doesn’t say, “If thy neighbor’s foot offends thee, chop it off for them.”

Tom, commenting on Jessica Duckett Finnigan’s post “Yes Men” at fMh:

[Summarizing a previous commenter’s comment]

“Don’t extrapolate from your anecdotal experience. Extrapolate from my anecdotal experience!”

Mark Brown, commenting on Michael Otterson’s post “An open letter from Otterson: Context missing from discussion about women” at BCC:

[Responding to a previous commenter who said she had researched Kate Kelly and found that she was “a paid Washington DC attorney” and who rhetorically asked “Has her resume has been enhanced and her pocketbook filled with lucre?”]

WAIT A MINUTE!! Are you telling me that Kate Kelly is a PAID attorney??!!?? And that she actually LIVES in Washington, DC?? Holy cow, this changes everything. I mean, how uppity is it possible for a woman to get, expecting lucre in exchange for her services as a lawyer?

Dave, commenting on wheatmeister’s post “Public Affairs’ Open Letter to the Bloggernacle” at W&T:

I suppose we do not know all the reasons why Christ did not employ a public affairs department, either in the New Testament or the Book of Mormon, or when the Church was restored in modern times. We only know that he did not.

Comments on Jessie Jensen’s post “And they were sore afraid.” at BCC:

I was in a bishopric years ago when the brother we’d asked to speak stood at the pulpit looking at the congregation for over a full minute without saying anything, then he just walked off the pulpit, out the door and didn’t come to church for over a year. This was AFTER he’d accepted the invitation without any hesitation. I think refusal is better for some.

My ward’s sacrament meeting is very noisy, very irreverent. Some of the noise comes from little children, but mostly from disrespectful adults. I find it very frustrating to be in the room. A few years back my bishop asked me to speak, and I declined. I told him that it was very likely that some time during my talk I would tell the congregation to shut the f**k up. I haven’t been asked to give a talk since.

Comments on Kristine A.’s post “Dear Bishop” at BCC:

Can someone please tell me what the second sign of apostasy is? People always warn folks about displaying the first but for some reason you never see anyone identify sign #2.

Second sign of apostasy: Take your right hand with your thumb folded in and four fingers extended up. Now cross your ring finger and middle finger together. Hold it up with your palm facing toward you. It should make the shape of a “W”. Now yell “West-side” in your best white-person-impersonating-a-gangster impersonation that you can muster. Now do the same with your left hand but with your fingers pointing down and in the same manner yell “Mormon!”

That, BHodges, is the second sign of apostasy.

Jax, commenting on Rachel Whipple’s post “He was naked, and not ashamed” at T&S:

[My] Wife always tells how her dad was falling asleep on the stand as part of the bishopric one day. Mom wanted to help wake him up and sent her little sister (6 at the time) to sit on his lap which would wake him. Sister gets half-way there and shouts, “WAKE UP DAD!!” and turns and walks back to mom.

Comments on Mathew’s post “Official Loving The Body Of Christ Template Post” at BCC:

Well, prophecy does say that in the last days, the church will be divided. Now we all get to grab popcorn and see which side gets destroyed and which one gets to frolic in the millennium. I call wheat! You guys can be chaff.

[Mathew’s post included many pairs of alternative wordings for expressing support or condemnation for Ordain Women. For example: “When I first heard about OW, my initial reaction was one of [joy][disappointment].”]

Yes, I will be [sharing this with everyone I know][turning this into your bishop for ecclesiastical “review”].

Comments on Rune’s post “Help Ordain Women Change Their Name!” at fMh:

Yes, with all the talk of grammatical apostasy, I thought . . . what if it were punctual apostasy instead? YOU FORGOT THE PUNCTUATION!

Ordain Women? it is

Please Sir May I Have Some Priesthood?

This might meet church approval–
Priesthood Eternally Never Involving Sisters.
As long as you have the right title, it doesn’t matter what you actually do.

Bitches Be Presiding.

Kiskilili, commenting on The Bouncer’s post “LDS Church Leadership Agrees to Meet with Kate Kelly” at ZD:

Isn’t this spirit of inclusion beautiful? Now the doors have been opened for more and more Mormon feminists to be subjected to disciplinary inclusion.

Living in Zion, commenting on her own post, “I Have the Attention Span of a Gnat” at Mormon Mentality:

My husband proposed no tv. . . . I told him he was crazy if he thought I was going to stay home all day with his 3 kids without the benefit of tv to keep me sane. I have to give him credit, he didn’t give up right away. He tried, he really tried.

We now have a satellite dish so we can watch General Conference twice a year and 500 channels of trash 363 days of the year. I win.

Sue Spencer Cannon, commenting on Alison Moore Smith’s post “What Are the “Blessings of the Priesthood”?” at T&S:

[On the question of whether scriptures and talks that refer to “men” are referring to both women and men]

I have taken to reading the sciptures as when it says “he” it means males. I am off the hook for a lot.

Laurel, commenting on Brianne’s post “Dear fMh: Finding Courage?” at fMh:

I sustain the ward organist, but that doesn’t mean I pretend he didn’t just flub a note.

Roger, commenting on wheatmeister’s post “Sex Ed (Weekend Poll)” at W&T:

I guess I’m just dense. Teen pregnancy is on the wane due to texting? I must not be doing it right.

emmasrandomthoughts, commenting on Kevin Barney’s post “” at BCC:

[A previous commenter had suggested that it would be best not to say Tamar was raped because rape is a “loaded word.”]

Murder is an equally loaded term. As such, I would appreciate it if Mormons stopped saying “The mob at Carthage jail murdered Joseph Smith” and instead said, “The mob at Carthage jail forced Joseph Smith to place his soul in the hands of God.” The meaning is the same, but it’s far less loaded, less inflammatory, and less offensive to non-Mormons.

Comments on Jessie Jensen’s post “WWJP?” at BCC:

[The post cited a case where a church building had labeled/reserved parking spaces for the stake president and his first counselor, and included suggestions for other people for whom parking spaces should be reserved.]

  • Sunny [in the OP; this is only a sample]:

Pays on the Gross

Modesty Police

Modestly Hot

Year Supply

Two Year Supply

Totally Quit the Porn

All Kids Married in the Temple

ZL in First Area

Never Felt Unequal

Reserve one for Elijah, too.

Person who wasn’t able to make it last week but made it this week.

The One Mighty and Strong

No “Jesus” spot connotes a lack of faith.

If I read section 20 correctly, parking enforcement is a duty of the deacons. They hold the keys of letting the air out of your tires.

Rachel Whipple, commenting on Julie M. Smith’s post “A Day in the Life” at T&S:

I love having the children forage for themselves. Provide them healthy foods, and let them fend for themselves. Sure they choose top ramen, but that’s agency.

Rebecca J, outlining an unusual hypothetical case in her post “Religious freedom under attack!” at BCC:

A member of the Westboro Baptist Church walks into the store of a Jewish piñata-maker. (It’s kind of a long story, but suffice it to say this cat has lived an interesting life.) The Westboro Baptist guy wants to commission a life-size piñata of Gertrude Stein. The piñata-maker says, “First of all, why would you want a likeness of a lesbian sculpted by my non-Aryan hands?” The Westboro guy says, “Actually, we’re not an Aryan supremacist group. We just hate [homosexuals]. We also hate Jews but not because of their race. Mainly because they don’t believe in Christ and often work in alliance with [gay people].”

“Be that as it may,” says the piñata-maker, “I still don’t get it.”

“You’re the only custom piñata business in a hundred mile radius. All our vans are currently being used to transport members to funeral protests. I had to walk here. Anyway, it’s not like we’re going to eat the candy inside or anything. We just want to beat it with a stick and then burn it. It’s a symbolic thing. So how much would you charge for that?”



“Nothing! I’m not making you any piñata, you crazy bastard! Get out of my store!”

“You have a giant replica of Spongebob Squarepants in your front window! Don’t tell me you don’t make life-size piñatas of gay icons!”

“Spongebob Squarepants is a cartoon character. My religion doesn’t condone beating humans with sticks, even in effigy.”

“We have a constitutional right to express our religiously based hatred of Jewish [lesbians]. This is discrimination!”

“You’re a sick [fool]! Now get out before I call the cops!”

“You’ll be hearing from our attorney about this! Also, [redacted]!”

Cruelest Month, in her post “Neckties: Priesthood Attire or Lucifer’s Lust Pointer?” at the Exponent:

Neckties are arrows that point to the male genitalia. . . . . Few are the modest Mormon men that wear a bow tie, vest, or thick sweater to cover the pointy end of the necktie. I say a little prayer of gratitude for each of them when they pass me the sacrament in a modest bow tie. In these latter days of rampant wickedness upon the earth, can we afford to ignore these frivolous fabric phallic pointers and their devastating impact on women and homosexual men?

New Iconoclast, commenting on Hedgehog’s post “Music in our Congregations: Our Responsibility” at W&T:

I understand the desire of some Saints for “contemporary” music, . . . but Jesus is not my buddy or my lover and songs that do not distinguish between who I worship and who I sleep with are not (IMNSHO) suitable for congregational worship.

Comments on Ardis E. Parshall’s post “Attention Sisters! This Document Intended for Male Eyes Only!” at Keepapitchinin:

[The post has a diagram that shows assignments for where priesthood holders should pass the sacrament.]

So much for the “unwritten” order of things . . .

I must admit that we elders got this idea from a very old cross stitching pattern that some Relief Society sister left on a church bench a few generations ago. Prior to that time, passing the Sacrament was a very confusing event that often led to fisticuffs in the aisles.

Casey, commenting on hawkgrrrl’s post “Approved Post Topics: An LDS Blogger’s Guide” at W&T:

You’re welcome to have differing opinions about which apostle is tallest, but do not attempt to persuade others to your beliefs. Please work through your apostolic height issues using the proper channels.

Comments on post BHodges’s post “Spamming Flooding the Earth” at BCC:

Oh good. More stuff to share indiscriminately on Facebook. We will be about as welcome (and heeded) as game requests. (“Kerri invites you to Become a Mormon!”)

“Truly, Isaiah foresaw this meme! Woe woe woe unto thee, forbidden hashtag! Thou shalt be cast into the realm of Disqus!”

My concern is about using the internet to hasten the work. I would hate for anyone who may still be using a dialup connection to miss out on the blessings of flooding the earth with pinterest inspired memes just because they are unable to post fast enough.

I think these woes were first pronounced in Jeremiah.

Dave K, commenting on Sam Brunson’s post “Fornication Pantaloons” at BCC:

I am pretty sure that any fornication danger stemming from button-fly jeans would be completely negated by one-piece garments. Take that Satan!

Starfoxy, commenting on Julie M. Smith’s post “The Problem with Local Change” at T&S:

We can easily see how leaving someone alone with a big pile of money and no oversight will sorely tempt even the best people, and will at best leave people wondering if it might be a good idea to add some safeguards.

Yet for some reason having doubts about the prudence of leaving a man all alone with a big pile of unquestioned authority might be bad for the ward and women in particular means that you hate the church.

Hollie, commenting on Dorothy Hatch Ward’s post “God Doesn’t Care If You Lose Forty Pounds” at fMh:

And lo, if thou wilt follow this counsel, thou shalt lose 40 pounds, and be as skinny as thine beanpole, in the season thereof.

And lo, though thy body shall grow toned, thine bosoms shall wax ample, and thy buns shall rise and not grow saggy.

LauraN, commenting on Ardis E. Parshall’s post “Children in Sacrament Meeting, 1953” at Keepapitchinin:

Since my husband plays the organ, I have spent many years trying to control my kids in church without his help. On one memorable occasion, my middle child did a double flip off the back of the pew–and landed it. The whole congregation gasped, and when I looked back, someone was holding up a program on which they had written ’10.’

Jim W, commenting on Tom Stringham’s post “Liberal Mormonism, a parable” at Millennial Star:

I’m sure we all have stories of being chastised by one or more Level 5 Mormons for some infraction/mortal sin that’s really a cultural or personal preference. (“You showed up to church with wet hair? No sacrament for you, Son of Moloch.”)

Comments on Scott B.’s post “Responsibilities of Deacons, Ranked” at BCC:

Passing the sacrament with an obvious gigantic DS3-bulge in your pocket and then marveling how mom knew to confiscate it when you return to your seat.

[Referring to a picture in the post, and to a brief side discussion of scare quotes in the comments]

I don’t know about “mocking” and “bullying” and “terms” in “scare quotes.” And I don’t know who “Sam” is. But whenever I open BCC and see that “photograph,” it brings to mind the term “unsee.”

fbisti, commenting on at Mormon Heretic’s post “Tools to get rid of Genealogy Guilt” at W&T:

Does anyone recall when a speaker at sacrament meeting would stand silent for 30+ seconds at the beginning of their talk on genealogy? Then they would say something to the effect of: “Your ancestors don’t like waiting either.”

Dave K, commenting on SteveP’s post “Your Missionary Troll” at BCC:

Any chance that the church will accept temples that my kids and I build on minecraft? I can’t think of a better way to pass sunday afternoon that building a replica of Solomon’s temple and then, during FHE, demonstrating the appropriate sacrifices of oxen (cows) and turtle-doves (chickens). Maybe that’s why they never call me into primary.

sgnm, commenting on Kyle M’s post “Raising Kids in the Heart of the Pride Cycle” at BCC:

For the sake of our children, we must go out of our way to be prideful and wicked, thus ensuring that they will at the very least start off on the destruction and suffering step of the cycle and won’t, themselves, be the prideful, wicked ones.

Dave K, commenting on Cynthia L.’s post “Shazam for Hymns, and other LDS app brainstorm ideas” at BCC:

Baptism Witness Checker. Set your phone on the ground with the camera aimed across the top of the font. The app will flash red if even one hair of the head does not pass under the water.

Bishop’s Buddy App. Press a button when the priest starts reciting the sacrament prayer. The app will indicate if they made any errors.

Priest’s Buddy App. Press a button and Siri/Cortana will read the sacrament prayer for you. Several different voice options, including David Archuletta, Steve Young, and President Uchtdorf. Sorry, Kate Kelly voice currently unavailable.

Liahona Compass App. Its just like all the other compass apps for your phone, only it stops working if you’re not righteous. And after 11pm (10pm if on the BYU campus).

Terry H, commenting on Julie M. Smith’s post “What to Expect When You Are Expecting . . . A Bishopric Call” at T&S:

One more thing NOT to do!!! If you ever have a couple of pennies left over after adding up the tithing receipts, etc., DO NOT put it under Other Donations and call it Pennies From Heaven. Just sayin’

Comments on Steve Evans’s post “From our friends in Rexburg” at BCC:

I went to BYU myself and I don’t have any inherent problem with dress and grooming standards. I am also ok with straining the gnats out of my soup.

I just don’t think we have enough commandments. If obedience to commandments brings blessings, then I want dozens or even hundreds of extra commandments to bring me even more blessings!

It is a hard thing to bear in my marriage that my husband must shave every day.

His skin would be healthier and our marriage would be stronger if he didn’t have to (two weeks growth, that’s all I ask!!!) I’ve been considering filling out an honor code exemption card for him and listing the reason “family proc, strengthen marriage.”

so much depends

a red
pant leg

blazed with

covering a
white calf

– William Carlos Willams

jimbob, commenting on Sam Brunson’s post “An Economic Explanation for BYU-I’s Dress Standards(?)” at BCC:

[Quoting and responding to another commenter]

“Is the real question here how much of your dignity one would trade for cheap tuition?”

I wouldn’t trade any of my own dignity, but I would trade my children’s. I mean it’s my money that they’ll be spending, after all. If they want it, and they have to wear pants to get it, then by golly they’re going to wear pants.

Jack Hughes, commenting on wheatmeister’s post “Hang the Proc! (Weekend Poll)” at W&T:

When did it become a thing to hang this up in our houses? I knew a family in a previous ward that had a framed copy displayed prominently in every room of the house–including the bathrooms. I’m not sure anyone needs to be reminded of gender essentialism right before showering.

greg, commenting on Scott B.’s post “Responsibilities of Zone Leaders, Ranked” at BCC:

Representing mission president to the missionaries, not the other way around . . .
Introducing “deep doctrine” (e.g., no sex organs in the terrestrial kingdom) during late night (10:15-10:30) study sessions

Thoroughly Modified Millie, commenting on Dave Banack’s post “The Unwritten Order of Things, Revisited” at T&S:

[Offering suggested unwritten order-type edits to the Mormon Newsroom statement on Mormon doctrine]

“Not every statement made by a Church leader, past or present, necessarily constitutes doctrine (**unless it comes from Elders McKonkie or Packer, or their extended families**). A single statement made by a single leader on a single occasion often represents a personal, though well-considered, opinion, but is not meant to be officially binding for the whole Church (**unless it comes from Elder Packer, who…**) with divine inspiration (**anticipates in advance the revelations of**) the First Presidency (the prophet and his two counselors) and the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles (the second-highest governing body of the Church), who counsel together to establish doctrine that is consistently proclaimed in official Church publications (**or in Elder Packer remarks**). This doctrine resides (**much less clearly**) in the four “standard works” of scripture (the Holy Bible, the Book of Mormon, the Doctrine and Covenants and the Pearl of Great Price), official declarations and proclamations, and the Articles of Faith, (**than in the talks, off-hand comments, and collected poems of Elder Packer**). Isolated statements are often taken out of context, leaving their original meaning distorted (**so it is probably best just not to think too hard about them, and to just obey them literally henceforth to be on the safe side**).”

kc, commenting on Scott B.’s post “Three Nephites, Ranked” at BCC:

John the Beloved is a mocking term of endearment given to him by the 3 Nephites in the same vein as ‘Everybody Loves Raymond’.

New Iconoclast, commenting on Mormon Heretic’s post “Will Mitt Run in 2016?” at W&T:

I’ve heard the jingoists say “If you don’t vote, you can’t complain.” I’d say, “If you don’t vote, at least you’re not complicit.”

LiteralHipster, commenting on Scott B.’s post “Saturday AM: UTAH STATE HEY AGGIES ALL THE WAY Thread” at BCC:

Any predictions for big announcements? Mine is that they will lower the sister missionary age to 18, right after lowering the elders’ age to 17 3/4.

Joe, commenting on Cynthia L.’s post “Sunday PM Extra Innings Thread” at BCC:

I like to sing the song from the kids songbook as follows:

Family history, I’m not doing it, my family history,
And the reason why, I’m not doing it, is rather clear to me,


Martin James, commenting on Kaimi Wenger’s post “Forgetting Kolob” at T&S:

[Responding to the assertion in the post that the Church is deemphasizing Kolob]

You seem unaware of the decision in 1970 to separate exoteric from esoteric doctrines together with the beginning of the Hie to Kolob project that began together with the Apollo landings under the direction of the 47th Quorum of the Seventy.

I don’t want to give too much away but if you substitute Sun for Son and propulsion system for prophet you may be surprised at the mysteries that await.

gst, commenting on Julie M. Smith’s post “Do Women Count?” at T&S:

[On the edit of the priesthood session prayer that suggested that the women’s session of Conference had been an actual session]

What in the name of Ronald E. Poelman is going on here??

hawkgrrrl, making up more interesting statistics than the Mormon Newsroom released, in her post “Now You See It . . . Now You Don’t” at W&T:

In a ward of 100 active, adult, regularly attending members, you can bet your bottom dollar that:

  • 91 of them are terrified of porn.  11 of the 91 think Victoria’s Secret ads are porn.  6 of them use Victoria’s Secret ads as porn.
  • 74 think Sean Hannity is smart.
  • 65 have never made it past 2nd Nephi in the Book of Mormon.
  • 49 think Mormon Doctrine is.
  • 46 pronounce Giddianhi Gid-ay-ahn-hay.  37 pronounce it Gid-ee-ahn-hay.  12 pronounce it Gid-ee-ahn-ee.  5 just wrinkle their nose and ask the teacher.
  • 42 find sexist jokes funny and appropriate for sacrament meeting talks.
  • 34 did home or visiting teaching this month.  12 of the 34 count nodding your head at someone in the hall as a visit.
  • 31 think that Saturday’s Warrior is an accurate depiction of pre- and post-mortal life.
  • 22 display the Proclamation on the Family in their home.  28 received it as a gift.  4 have read it.  OK, really only 2 and that’s because they had to give a talk on it.
  • 12 would break the Sabbath if they were out of Diet Coke.
  • 8 display a picture of the first presidency in their house.  2 have it in their bedroom.  Watch out for these folks.

Comments on hawkgrrrl’s post “Now You See It . . . Now You Don’t” at W&T:

[Continuing hawkgrrrl’s list of made-up statistics]

56 consider Matt Walsh as doctrinely sound as an apostle. 14 of which are now blogging as a “mormon” Matt Walsh wannabe.

61 think feminists are apostates, 34 of which will stop talking to you if you wear pants to church.

90 think the founding fathers were all devout Christians, and 82 keep a copy of the constitution in their scripture case

22 participate in the bloggernacle, 0 of which have ever changed their minds on a topic based on a post or comment

8 are liberal and have replaced the family proc on their walls with copies of Hollands talk on the poor, 4 of which have more than one identity on the bloggernacle

1 finds their mission of sharing goodness to spend all their time in the Bloggernacle and write lengthy comments of personal experience to disprove the claim of gender inequality or the hope of improvement upon current practices.

[Responding the assertion that nearly all people attending sacrament meeting are bored]

I think you may be incorrect. If you take the number of people that are asleep and assume a few of them reach REM sleep, they may be having some really interesting dreams.

Comments on Scott B.’s post “If You Like Trunk-or-Treats You Probably Don’t Have a Testimony” at BCC:

I don’t have an issue with the trunk-or-treat, but I DO have a big, honkin’ issue with calling it a “Fall Festival” because one or two folks are offended by “Halloween.” The irony there was, in Priesthood opening exercises the prior Sunday, they announced the “Ward “Fall Festival” which would be followed by the “Stake Halloween Dance.”

Woe unto you scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For ye devour widows’ candy and schedule “family” activities concurrent with the SEVENTH GAME OF THE WORLD SERIES, and for a pretense speak of the importance of eternal families: therefore ye shall receive the greater damnation! Woe unto you scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For ye compass sea and land to drag one nonmember to your unholy parking lot and lure him away from the solemn assembly in the temple of Kauffman in the Land of Zion. And when he is there, ye make him twofold more the child of hell than yourselves! Woe unto you scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For ye collect mint and smarties and candy corn, and have omitted the weightier matters of the law: runs, and hits, and back-to-back shutouts. Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! because ye decorate the trunks of the sedans, and garnish the tailgates of the pickups, and say, If we had been in the days of our fathers, we would have been partakers with them in the bloody sock of Curt Schilling. Wherefore ye be witnesses unto yourselves, that ye are the children of them that partook of the sox that are called black. Ye serpents, ye generation of vipers, how can ye escape the damnation of hell?

Comments on Paul Barker’s post “Polygamy, Really?” at Rational Faiths:

Having sex with someone who is currently married to someone else will get this flaming sword shoved up your arse

I’m pretty sure that angel with the flaming sword meant to reiterate the fact that mild barley drinks are good for our health.

Cruelest Month, commenting on Jenny’s post “Leaving the Old Ship Zion to Walk on Water” at the Exponent:

Oops! Cell phone auto-corrected prophet to property. Pretty sure my cell phone is apostate.

kevinf, commenting on Scott B.’s post “Scary Mormon Halloween Costumes, Ranked” at BCC:

[On why the Friberg painting of Abinadi and King Noah shows a leopard, when leopards aren’t native to the Americas]

Obviously, Friberg used a leopard rather than a jaguar to show the over the top self serving kleptocracy of King Noah’s court, as the leopard was imported from the Old World at great expense to his poor, suffering taxpaying subjects. Duh.

annegb, commenting on her own post “Equality: Plural Marriage Style” at Mormon Mentality:

I like the idea of the handsome young virgins rubbing my feet and painting my toenails. Fanning me with palm leaves. Making me cupcakes. Going away when I’m sick of them.

Scott B., commenting on Kristine’s post “Yes! Women Count!” at BCC:

[Onion-style survey respondent comments on women’s session being labeled an official session of Conference]

Rixa, commenting on Thomas Hatton’s post “Cheapo Mormon Halloween Costumes” at Rational Faiths:

If you had an invisibility cloak, you could totally be Heavenly Mother…

Talon, commenting on Kyle M’s post “Ancient Prophets” at BCC:

[Extending the post’s speculation that with medical advances, current GAs might live a very long time]

Will 120 year old Steve Evans still be a Mod at BCC? I shudder to think of the level of cranky bannings.

Josh Smith, commenting on Nathaniel Givens’s post “I Need My Kids” at T&S:

Raising children has enabled me to nearly abandon societal expectations, in a good way. After a child screams, “There’s poop on my swimming towel” in a lobby full of parents, you realize that everyone else is in the same boat.

say no to religious exemptions for beards, commenting on Sam Brunson’s post “BYU, Religious Freedom (or its Lack), and Beards” at BCC:

The Lord would never let an apostle lead church members astray, or let church members make inaccurate guesses as to what they think the apostle they see themselves as accountable to would prefer based on precedent and past rhetoric from that apostle! I think we can all agree on that! Or, if not, you are an apostate and Pharisee at best, or a democrat at worst!

hawkgrrrl, in her post “The Early Morning Seminary Conundrum” at W&T:

I can state with conviction that my kids are terrible scriptorians. [Footnote: Despite my oldest son naming our in-home network the LAN of Milk & Honey.]

zmol, commenting on hawkgrrrl’s post “The Early Morning Seminary Conundrum” at W&T:

I had two seminary teachers “terminated” (from their volunteer, unpaid position) because of how absolutely preposterous their teachings were. Real examples from the classroom include: . . . .

–Spending an entire class period watching the teacher show us how he makes dollhouse furniture from empty beer cans . . .
–Being “taught” that Adam was baptized by God lifting him up into the air, floating him above the water, dunking him in, then floating him back to the shore

DQ, commenting on Nathaniel Givens’s post “When to Disobey” at T&S:

I’m amused at how the commentary by and large has at this point returned to the same old bogus arguments against so called blond obedience.

Comments on Scott B.’s post “Thanksgiving Quotes from Prophets, Ranked” at BCC:

“We strive to make bad stuffing good, and good stuffing better.” Gordon B Hinckley, obviously.

“No other condiment can compensate for failure in the home-made mashed potatoes.”

A Thanksgiving that does not require the consumption of all things, never has power sufficient to produce the tryptophan-induced stupor necessary unto life and salvation.

I’m sure that if the General RS/YW/Primary Presidencies were consulted for this list (which they clearly weren’t, ahem), there would’ve been a Top 3 quote about the proper and righteous wearing of maternity pants on Thanksgiving.

Nate, commenting on hawkgrrrl’s post “Tales from a Toilet: Questioning Our Most Basic Assumptions” at W&T:

Two pots there were in a yellow wood
And sorry I couldn’t use them both
And being uncomfortable long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
The flies and stench were very loath

Then took the other much more fair
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was shiny and flushed with care
But as for that the passing there
Had used them pretty much the same

Oh I left the other undisgraced
But knowing how food turns into waste
I knew that I would be coming back

And so I look back with relief and a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence
Two pots there were in a wood and I
Used the one with flushing by
And that has made all the difference

Josh Smith, commenting on Julie M. Smith’s post “My Testimony of the Prophet Joseph Smith” at T&S:

If we were to drag Joseph out of the 19th century and plop him down in upstate New York in 2014, he would be labeled as “pathologically narcissistic.” And, he would rightfully be incarcerated.

If I traveled to upstate New York to visit Brother Joseph in jail, I probably have it in me to punch him in the face.

On the other hand, … in my heart, I would have to admit that my life is much more meaningful, much richer because Brother Joseph lived. So, after I punched him in the face, I’d give him a hug.

Obviously my bishop doesn’t ask me to get up and share my thoughts on Joseph Smith. 🙂

Comments on Scott B.’s post “Things Financial Transparency Would Reveal About the Church, Ranked.” at BCC:

50% of BYU’s faculty development funds went to a “Secularism Seminar.” The other 50% went to an “Anti-Secularism Seminar.”

Large investments in Jell-O discovered. Massive outcry, since Jell-O is a Kraft Foods brand – which used to be owned by Phillip Morris. Outcry decreases when people realize Phillip Morris no longer owns Kraft Foods. Outcry increases when people realize Kraft Foods also produces Maxwell House. Outcry dies when people realize Kraft Foods also produces Kool-Aid, since buying Jell-O and Kool-Aid ranks higher than avoiding coffee and the appearance of evil from a former alliance with tobacco.

July 4, 1899. Convinced that the second coming is imminent, President Lorenzo Snow clears the church’s lingering debts by mortgaging the sealed portions of the gold plates. The sealed plates remain in escrow at a Wells Fargo branch in Laramie, Wyoming until they mysteriously disappear in 1906.

Three Nephites monthly church Visa bill is through the roof!

Roger, commenting on LDS_Aussie’s post “Did the goalposts just shift…again?” at W&T:

Utah; too small to be a nation, too big to be an asylum.

New Iconoclast, commenting on Kylie Turley’s post “Wickedly Awesome Traditions of My Fathers and Mothers” at T&S:

My then-future father-in-law, a football coach, confirmed me a member of the Church on Super Bowl Sunday, 1986. It was the shortest confirmation blessing in Church history

hawkgrrrl, in her post “Get Your Piping Hot Feminist Cookies!” at W&T:

[Satirizing a quiz in which “all quiz questions lead to the waters of baptism”]

Do Mormons believe in equality of the sexes?

  • YES – You’re right! Mormons consider men & women equal before God. Wow, you have a lot in common with us. Would you like to know more?
  • DEPENDS – You’re right! Mormons see both men & women as equal, but performing different roles. See, you are practically Mormon already. Shall we send the missionaries over?
  • NO – You’re right! Men & women have different roles, and men “preside.” Do you prefer your baptismal water to be tepid or lukewarm?

Comments on hawkgrrrl’s post “Get Your Piping Hot Feminist Cookies!” at W&T:

[More suggested quiz questions with all answers interpreted to agree with Mormon beliefs]

Do Mormons believe the prophet is infallible?

  • YES – when the prophets speaks, the thinking’s been done! If you follow the prophet, follow the prophet, follow the prophet you won’t go astray because he’s not capable of leading you astray!
  • DEPENDS – sometimes prophets just give inspired opinions and sometimes they speak as men, so when they speak as men, they’re not being prophets, even though they’re still typing on corporate letterhead, so to speak so… yeah
  • NO – come on guys, prophets hear from God the same way you do, and sometimes that method of communication is a bit… dodgy, so when all those prophets proclaimed blacks priesthood/temple ban doctrinal, they were just influenced by their time!

Do Mormons practice polygamy?

  • NO – You’re right! The other women you’re married to for time and all eternity don’t count.
  • IT DEPENDS – Correct! While Mormons aren’t allowed to be married to more than one woman at a time on earth, they may be sealed to several women for eternity. Why should a man have to choose which of his beloved wives he will spend eternity with? Of course, women are not allowed to be sealed to more than one man for eternity, so in that case, Mormons definitely DO NOT practice polygamy. That would just be slutty!
  • YES – Wow, you’re really getting technical. Would you like to talk to some representatives of the church who can explain to you what the fine print doesn’t mean?

Question. Do you believe only members of the LDS church will go to heaven?

  • Answer: YES!! – you’re right!! Member of the LDS Church are the only ones who have the authority of God to perform saving ordinances like baptism – whilst on the subject, click on the chapel locator button to the right – they all have fonts.
  • Answer: DEPENDS!!! – you’re right!!! Only God can judge the thoughts and intents of your heart. If you would otherwise have accepted the Gospel, if you had the choice in this life and had been baptised, you would go to heaven. On the subject of baptism….
  • Answer: NO!!! – you’re right!!! There are good people in all religions, just like you. The missionaries are on their way….

We had a great skit at a mission conference in which two elders were like used car salesman, able to spin anything into “getting you into the water today.” Here’s a small sample:

INVESTIGATOR: I’m not so sure about this tithing requirement to get baptized.
ELDER: That’s OK. We have a Terrestrial Kingdom package that also comes with baptism . . .
INVESTIGATOR: Well, I really like sleeping with my girlfriend. I won’t have to give that up, will I?
ELDER: No problem. We can put you in our Telestial package. That also comes with baptism!


  1. Someday Ziff’s daughter will conduct a textual analysis and make a graph of the historical prevalence of various bloggernacle commentators. At that day, I will be proud to see my name on an insignificantly small line at the bottom of the graph – basically down where L. Tom Perry ranks for popularity.

  2. I was honored by encouraging comments on some of my thoughts at BCC, and by Hawkgrrrl’s (as-yet-unfulfilled) invite to guest-blog at W&T. But 4 inclusions in Ziff’s annual humor recap?

    I have clearly ARRIVED. 🙂

    And I laughed and laughed; what a great collection. I wouldn’t trade the group of Saints on the Net for any bunch of people anywhere!

  3. This was sorely needed. Weirder yet, I made the cut.
    Thanks for compiling this. You’re the hero Gotham both needs and deserves.

  4. Also, notably, I spelled my own name wrong when submitting one of my comments quoted here. Thumbs up.

  5. Amanda, if you’re still around, this phrase:

    I got baptized because I fell in love with Heavenly Father

    still strikes me as one of the most simple and beautiful statements of faith I have ever read.


Comments are closed.