Zelophehad’s Daughters

Nacle Notebook 2013: Funny Comments

Posted by Ziff

This post is a list of some of the funniest comments I read on the Bloggernacle in 2013. In case you haven’t already seen them, here are links to similar lists from previous years: 2012 2011 2010 2009 2008.

The comments are in roughly chronological order. Most of the original comments are longer, and I’ve only taken excerpts. Each commenter’s name is a link to the comment in its original context, in case you want to see where they came from.

Fair warning: This is kind of a long post, so you might not want to start it unless you have a little time to spare. I hope you enjoy it! Thanks to everyone who contributed to making me laugh so much as I read the Bloggernacle this past year, including both the comments I’ve listed here as well as all those I had to exclude to keep the post to a manageable size.

Nick Literski, commenting on Guy Templeton’s post “Bible Dictionary: Beard” at W&T:

The LDS church has been quite active lately, with media promotion of Josh Weed and other young LDS gay men who claim to be deleriously happy in opposite-sex marriages. In popular culture, such women are referred to as “beards.” Ergo, beards are gaining new popularity in LDS circles! ;-)

J, commenting on Jennie’s post “I Did It! I Kept A Resolution!” at Segullah:

My goal this year is to (attempt to) make one batch of real fudge each month.

This goal is strongly at odds with my husband’s goal to loose weight by vastly reducing his sugar intake.

J. Madson, commenting on Cynthia L.’s post “From the archives: Let My People Pray: It’s time to consider having women give opening/closing prayers in General Conference” at BCC:

[On how a woman might be selected to pray in Conference]

maybe they can borrow Romney’s binder

Comments on Christopher Cooper’s post “High Priestess” at fMh:

  • Moss, on elders being invited to meet with the high priests:

Isn’t this what the Jedi Council did to Anakin? And we all saw how that turned out…

I don’t usually meet with the elders. But when I do, I make sure they know I’m a High Priest.

Comments on SteveP’s post “Science is so cool. You are part Neanderthal!” at BCC:

I prefer to believe that the church uses Matt and Mandy as its primary venue of establishing current doctrinal positions.

  • Orwell, after the question was raised about whether Neanderthals could hold the priesthood if they had survived into the 20th century:

it appears that having Neanderthal DNA was a prerequisite . . . so one can only conclude that a full-blooded Neanderthal would be guaranteed a bishopric by right of lineage and need only present himself at his local stake president’s office to have his skull inspected to claim said bishopric.

hawkgrrrl, commenting on Graceforgrace’s post “Your Favorite Church Calling” at W&T:

some of the kids’ comments [in primary] are great. A favorite is when one girl guessed that “lesbianism” was a religion older than Christianity.

Comments on Brett and Casey’s post “Authoritative Predictions for 2013″ at BCC:

The Constitution will FINALLY be officially canonized, followed by several scholarly articles concerning the Mormon Church’s difficulties translating the US Constitution into Q’eqchi’, Rarotongan, Neomelanesian, and Swahili. The canonization process hits a snag, however, with the introduction of 14 new amendments to the Constitution regarding gun and missile ownership, with the eventual solution being to declare US Congress a “quasi-quorum” with “partial-revelatory authority.” Mormon Libertarian’s brains all simultaneously explode from the dissonance.

This will cause ripples throughout the Evangelical community, as the Southern Baptist Convention warns believers not to be fooled by the Mormon Constitution. Mormons will be baffled by this, pointing out that our constitution even MORE liberty-centric than the traditional one, and that if Baptists truly accepted liberty then they would accept our constitution.

British Mormons become annoyed when it is announced that the two newly approved swear words are to be ‘Damn’ and ‘Hell’. Later that year, new chapter headings are written which attempt to legitimize the new words in LDS discourse. Examples include: ‘Lehi’s sons return to Jerusalem to obtain the plates of brass— That damn-rotten Laban refuses to give the plates’ and ‘Sariah tells Lehi to go to hell—Both rejoice over the return of their sons’.

Comments on rah’s post “Roles, Responsibilities and Rights – What was Elaine Dalton talking about?” at fMh:

  • Anselma, on the question of how “the family” is under attack:

Visigoths. Marauding Visigoths are attacking the family.

  • withheld, on how the Church might rearrange Conference speaking or praying assignments at the last minute:

Be careful what you wish for! You could get Clint Eastwood debating with a table of binders full of women.

Aaron R., commenting on John C.’s post “The Priesthood is not a superpower” at BCC:

I have never tried to use my priesthood as a superpower, but I have tired to use my faith to move a penny. It did not work.

Comments on NewlyHousewife’s post “Things I Have Wanted to Say but Never Did: Return Missionaries” at Mormon Mentality:

I dispute that water is not controlled by Satan. Anyone who’d dealt with leaky plumbing can tell you that it is the devil’s fluid.

  • John Mansfield, responding to a list of suggestions on how newly returned missionaries should get over themselves:

Raise the bar and do a follow-up with ten points of counsel on how Nobel prize winners back from Stockholm really need to get over themselves having had dinner with the king of Sweden and a fancy gold medal hung on their necks. Seriously, none of us care; we couldn’t tell King Whatever-his-name-is from Prince Charming or one of Snow White’s dwarves.

Casey, commenting on Kyle M’s post “Some Results from the BCC 2013 Reader Survey” at BCC:

I note with dismay that my suggestion of a 100% Flash-based site redesign with a continuous background loop of a “I Am a Child of God” in techno beats has been ignored yet again.

Left Field, commenting on Julie M. Smith’s post “On Complaining” at T&S:

[Another commenter argued that maybe God wanted only men to represent him, and not women.]

If that really is what God wants, would it have been too simple for Him to mention it just once somewhere, anywhere, in all of scripture, including multiple detailed revelations on the priesthood? We know there’s supposed to be 96 elders in a quorum. Not 95; not 97. And the Almighty just “forgot” to mention that all of them are supposed to be men?

bth, commenting on Blue’s post “Come ‘N Get It!” at Segullah:

My daughter came home with a Thank You card from a church activity (she’s 8) that said “Thank you for feeding me almost every day.” Cracked me up. The card hangs on the wall in the kitchen.

RJH, commenting on Benjamin Park’s post “A Very Short Post on How to Deal with Joseph Smith’s Youngest Plural Wives” at BCC:

We are now getting a defense of genocide. For the love of Moloch, close this thread!

Comments on Benjamin Park’s post “John Turner: 2012 Boggs-Doniphan Non-Mormon of the Year” at BCC:

He should get his own Sword of Laban. (Or possibly … warm bread?)

  • Mark Brown, also suggesting an award for John Turner:

It’s 10:30 on the last night of the month. He deserves an honorary visit from the home teachers.

Brother Matsby, commenting on wheatmeister’s post “Tarefic/Wheaties Winners” at W&T:

Fun Fact about that “McNaughton Idea Journal” post: A few months after the fact, after the comments had been closed, Brother McNaughton was Googling himself one morning apparently at about 6 am and found that thread, unable to comment, he sent me a decent sized email explaining that he just wants to be understood. I didn’t write him back of course because he’s clearly insane and I am not stupid.

Also he blocked me on Facebook for suggesting multiple times that he do a painting of Obama being chased by giant spiders.

Comments on Tracy M.’s post “Date Me, Not My Uterus” at BCC:

Just one PSA: Never ask “does your patriarchal blessing say anything about a metallurgist?” on a first date.

honestly I have never met a woman who was not looking for a nice guy. Nice is such a limp qualifier also. A lot of people are nice, I am nice, but that doesn’t tell anyone anything about me. The best that can be inferred from that is that maybe I haven’t killed someone…unless I did so in a polite fashion.

Brian, commenting on Rachel Whipple’s post “BSA: Morally Straight” at T&S:

[Explaining why men are needed “for protection” at YW camp]

it’s for the bears. (Example: Elisha) ;)

Comments on Jacob’s post “Overheard in Married Student Housing” at BCC:

  • Jacob M, responding to the post, where it was mentioned that some couples were rumored to sing hymns after making love:

I suppose that Come thou fount of every blessing is an even “better” song to mention in this context

Come, Come Ye Saints.

He is risen

Come Ye Children of th Lord, including the line “We will shout in joyous lays!”

So much for the old technique of singing hymns to get dirty thoughts OUT of our heads…

did anyone else have the creepy high councilors and their wives show up to tell us to have sex often and “vigorously” . . . Of course this was after being in the singles ward where the high councilors and their wives would come in and tell us NOT to have sex before marriage (bad, bad, bad) but to wait until we were married when we could have it often and vigorously (good, good, good). Pretty much the only function of a high councilor I ever saw in a BYU ward was to talk about sex, either pro or con depending on what type of ward it was.

My wife and I lived in a house where the basement was a separate apartment. I had dated the cousin of the girl who lived downstairs with her husband so I knew her well. . . . they were newly weds and went at it all the time. . . . they were very vocal – but Mormon vocal. Her exclamations of joy were, “oh that feels so flipping good” or “oh fetch keep doing X”

My former roomie at the Y told me that when she and her husband had sex, she felt like it was a sacred form of worshiping God. I married about a year later and after my honeymoon, I told her that clearly we don’t worship the same God.

liz johnson, commenting on Casey’s post “Let Women Pray in General Conference (explained by gifs)” at BCC:

If a picture is worth 1000 words, a gif is probably worth around 1750, right? I mean, since it moves? And gifs featuring Buffy are worth 2000? Just trying to get my math right.

Comments on Rebecca J’s post “A bit of musicality, please!” at BCC:

In the midst of a number of clinkers, we actually do have some amazingly beautiful hymns. But we tend [to sing them] at a Funereally. Slow. Pace. That green hil gets farther and farther away every Sunday, I tell you.

If I were in charge of the next edition of the hymnal, I would replace all the “Brightly”s, “Boldly”s, and “Cheerfully”s with “About twice as fast as you think it ought to be.”

Singing is, in theory, a wonderful thing for a congregation, and I’m very happy we still do it. But somebody should spike the organist’s water with caffeine so that it doesn’t take a world class athlete to breathe deeply enough to last to the next comma.

Casey, commenting on Jacob’s post “Reader Question Box #11: Panties with Garments and What To Do on a Missionary Split” at BCC:

Remember, the mere presence of walls or other barriers is not an adequate excuse for fraternizing with, or seeming to fraternize with, members of the opposite sex after marriage. That means establishing an appropriate distance between, for example, you and your neighbor’s spouses if you and they are home alone simultaneously. It is recommended to maintain a buffer of at least one house or two apartments/town homes between you and others of the opposite sex when not in the immediate presence of your spouse.

Heather, commenting on Libby’s post “A short (and probably too sticky-sweet) post for Valentine’s Day” at the Exponent:

My husband does not have a romantic bone in his body. For example, we were engaged shortly before Valentine’s Day (ages ago). What did I receive? A copy of the Communist Manifesto.

wjb1492, commenting on Heather’s post “The Crushing Burden of Reverence” at fMh:

My sister and brother-in-law have 3 small children, and they called her to lead the music. It was a disaster of her husband trying to maintain control with the 3 kids, at least one of whom instantly would start crying for mommy . . . after a couple of months of trying their best, she told the bishop she just couldn’t do that calling and tried to explain how seriously it was ruining their desire and ability to be at church. The bishop totally shut her down with a combination chastisement/unrealistic pep talk. So the next week she took one of the kids up with her and dropped him on the bishop’s lap while she lead.

She was released the next week! :)

Vieve, commenting on fMhLisa’s post “Sunday Open Thread: How was your Sunday?” at fMh:

Sacrament meeting included our Stake President comparing a ward to a beehive, with the Bishop being the, um, er, King Bee. Analogy fail.

hawkgrrrl, commenting on Hedgehog’s post “Seeking Truth” at W&T:

[A previous commenter had said, “The HG is the only thing that has helped me in my search for truth.”]

HG = Hawkgrrrl, right?

kc, commenting on Kevin Barney’s post “A Small Glimpse of What Could Be” at BCC:

when I teach, I make it a point to call on somebody looking at a device to answer my question. I can immediately find out who is studiously following along and the other sheepish looks of those caught doing other things. I’m just doing my part to make sure that we are all edified together.

Comments on Jacob’s post “Every Time Someone Tells Me They Like My Posts I Think of the Poor Homeless Children Who Can’t Read” at BCC:

When I talked with Elder John Groberg (General Authority Emeritus) at my grandmother’s funeral last year, he advised me to avoid dropping the names of famous people in casual conversation, even if they’re married to your first cousin once-removed.

Some people are so proud that they display false humility.

I have the opposite problem. I’m so humble that I display false pride, just so people don’t know it.

Comments on Lynnette’s post “When Someone You Care About is Depressed: Things That Have Helped Me” at ZD:

Are you trying to say that “snap out of it” is not a good cure for a broken leg? I can tell you are not a medical professional.

Even better. I’m a theology professional. I can calculate the amount of faith and works needed to heal the broken leg.

annegb, commenting on Living in Zion’s post “Bowing Out Gracefully” at Mormon Mentality:

Not sure of my facts, but I think the whole emeritus thing came up when one of the prophets was senile. I’m senile myself, so I don’t remember the exact situation

Comments on Megan Bishop’s post “Call to Action: Lose Your Temple Recommend For Feeding Baby?” at fMh:

  • Rune, responding to another commenter’s assertion that someone was an “over the top extreme breastfeeder”:

Unless she was breastfeeding while doing ramp flips on a jet-ski, I’m not sure what would qualify as “over the top extreme” breastfeeding. Maybe doing trick squirts into the baby’s mouth from across the room?

  • Risa, responding to the same commenter:

I bet she was standing at the pulpit bearing her testimony with both breasts exposed while she squirted milk on the audience below hoping a couple of drops landed in her baby’s mouth…all while wearing PANTS! Because that’s how breastfeeding women roll. We just can’t wait to expose our breasts to everyone.

MikeInWeHo, commenting on Mark Brown’s post “Inoculation, Anti-Mormonism, and Me” at BCC:

Oh how I long for the days of ‘yore, when Evans held firm to the reins.
He hesitates not, to delete on the spot.
And woe unto those without brains.

ZD Eve, commenting on Starfoxy’s post “Getting Things Done… with Dolores.” at the Exponent:

What meant to say, of course, is that I can’t imagine that on my deathbed I’ll regret having lived out of the laundry basket. Although by the time I’m on my deathbed I’ll surely be living out of the laundry basket. Might as well get there early.

spiderlady, commenting on Melyngoch’s post “A quick observation on a topical topic” at ZD:

when my niece was two or three, she saw her aunt nursing her daughter. Niece’s mom was never able to nurse, too many problems, so this was new for her. After watching a while, she asked “what are you doing?” Aunt explained that this was how she fed baby. After a few more minutes watching, niece asked, “can you get Kool-Aid out of there?”

Jacob, commenting on Matt Page’s post “The Illuminated Matsby, Vol 25″ at BCC:

She’s a good girl, loves her mama
Loves Jesus and Joseph too
She’s a good girl, crazy ’bout Donny
Loves horses and her boyfriend too

It’s a long day, livin’ in Logan
There’s a cow trail, runnin’ through the yard
And I’m a bad boy, ’cause I left her for a mission
I’m a bad boy for breakin’ her heart

And I’m free, a free agent
Yeah I’m free, a free agent

All the RMs, walkin’ through the valley
Move west down Foothill Blvd
And all the bad boys are out servin’ missions
All the good girls shrug and just go on missions too

And I’m free, a free agent
Yeah I’m free, a free agent

I wanna glide down, over North Temple
I wanna write her name in the sky
I wanna free fall, and use my agency wisely
Gonna leave this world for awhile

Kristine, commenting on Karen H.’s post “The Rather Uncomfortable Constraints of Life on a Pedestal” at BCC:

[Another commenter suggested that the shoes in a picture illustrating women being put on a pedestal were Kristine’s.]

The only difference is that all my shoes are equipped with pedestal-escape parachutes that activate as soon as anyone says “women are naturally spiritual/charitable/nurturing/etc.”

Comments on Russell Arben Fox’s post “The Strange Missing Element in Elder Oaks’s Very Fine Stargazing Analogy” at BCC:

  • ldsbishop, discussing an analogy in which a coat is a spouse:

Another problem the stargazing club has, is that insists on its only owning one jacket.
However, they keep losing members after they find out that the founder of the club owned lots of jackets and wore them at the same time.

  • Jacob H., also discussing the analogy:

Hand warmers make for a decent substitute.

ZD Eve, commenting on Emily U’s post “Coke Or Pepsi?” at the Exponent:

I don’t like soda in any form, but since I’m a Westerner who does not respect her body I am therefore forced to be creative in defiling it. Chocolate is my preferred sin.

kevinf, commenting on Casey’s post “A Map of the Bloggernacle” at BCC:

A little more detail, please. You only hint at it, but call it by its real name, The Knight Who Says NDBF, hiding under a shrubbery.

Thomas Parkin, commenting on Melyngoch’s post “But what do I need a man for?” at ZD:

Arise from the slime of your own opinions into the sunset of the Word. For thy own self is like a bug that flitteth in the dark forest, and if thou considerest thyself a maker of light then thou art as a firefly whose fire is very hell fire and thou shalt be consumed in the bug zapper on the porch that doth draw thee towards the false light, but the sunset of God abideth until it setteth soon and the whole world will verily lie in darkness.

hawkgrrrl, commenting on Steve Evans’s post “Toeing the Line” at BCC:

My broken toe felt like a sword was heated in the fires of hell, dipped in red ants, then stuck through my foot. Childbirth was merely uncomfortable. I would have gladly had the epidural for the broken toe.

Karen H., commenting on Kyle M’s post “Ideas for Easier Journal-Writing” at BCC:

Journaling was the first Mormon commandment/recommendation/lifestyle expectation/emphasis that I jettisoned at the tender age of about 15. I was keeping a journal fairly regularly then, talking about the things I was doing–including youth conference where I learned how to play strip poker. A few months later my mom was in my room and claimed that my journal fell off the dresser and just happened to open to the strip poker page. I was in big trouble. It became clear to me then that leaving a clear chain of evidence was a bad idea. And then I grew up to be a lawyer. The end.

Comments on Norbert’s post “What’s your Apocalyptic Prophesy Writer Name?” at BCC:

By unscrambling the letters in scripture mastery scriptures, I now know the true identity of the anti-Christ, and have telepathically communicated with the one mighty and strong. Also, the constitution is specifically held by magenta colored embroidery thread. No more meat for your milk drinkers.

  • kevinf, giving his apocalyptic prophecy writer name using the formula in the post: the last airport where you had a layover + a random object in your junk drawer:

Oakland Gender Changer (It’s an IT thing, not what you all were thinking. And I know what you were thinking, by reading the letters in the grains of sand in the cat litter box).

It just occurred to me that Gender Changer is a non-correlated junk item, prohibited by the POTF, which just ups the danger level of my apocalyptic visions. So there.

Comments on wheatmeister’s post “Coffee Talk: Weekend Poll” at W&T:

I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

My daughter threatened to tell the bishop I eat coffee ice cream. Then, she stayed at a friend’s house and drank iced tea all week (she thought it was just Capri-Sonne coolers). Shoe’s on the other foot now.

Seriously? Some people won’t eat coffee cake because of the *name*? How about root beer? Fruit cocktail? Beer nuts? Smoked meat? Can we have a coffee table and still obey the word of wisdom? Can we read a coffee table book? Drink milk from a coffee mug? Join the Tea Party? Name your daughter Brandy? Drive a Dodge Spirit? Cheer for the Milwaukee Brewers? Play a pipe organ? Use Scotch tape? Attend the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign? Wear clothes made using a cotton gin? The potential word of wisdom dangers are endless.

I was told that these “pot brownies” don’t contain any pot; it’s just in the name. So, um, yeah, I’m going to eat them until I stop feeling the munchies.

Cynthia L., commenting on Steve Evans’s post “New Permablogger: Angela!” at BCC:

Yeah, though BCC walked through the valley of the shadow of death,
We feared no evil, for Steve Evans was with us (in absentia).
His rod of bannination and his staff of moderation comforted us.
He maketh us to write posts monthly without fail, he leadeth us to organize our general conference coverage.
He recruiteth awesome new bloggers to reenergize us; our comment threads runneth o’er with his wit.
Surely goodness and lack of mercy for trolls shall follow this blog all the days of its life, and it will dwell in the bloggernacle for ever.

Comments on Steve Evans’s post “Lululemons of our own!” at BCC:

Maybe the Church could allow competition from a jeans manufacturer, and in the process warm up skeptical LDS teenagers to the idea of endowments and the clothing transition that comes with it? Perhaps options like sheer, stonewashed low-rise garments?

What you have to be really careful about is not putting [garments] on inside out–that way you might suck harm unto yourself…

kevinf, commenting on Jacob’s post “Recently Discovered Letter from Nietzsche Reveals Most Devastating Argument Against Christianity of All Time” at BCC:

[The post discussed the existence of a giant spider as evidence against Christianity.]

If God truly made a spider that size, there would certainly be a shoe of similar proportions with which to smash it. The only shoes that size that I’ve seen have been on the feet of clowns, an equally frightening and corollary proof.

Comments on EmJen’s post “The hope a woman prays post so Hannah Wheelright will rejoice Saturday morning session” at BCC:

  • brandt, predicting in which Conference session a woman would pray:

I’m gonna go with the dark horse prediction:

A woman will pray during Priesthood Session.

Ballard: God and Jesus have a mind-blowing Midi-chlorians level.

Comments on the fMh post “Saturday Afternoon Conference Open Thread: Can they possibly lay on the gender roles any thicker? (who cares a woman prayed!)”:

My dishwasher, car, and washing machine are all on the fritz, but Rosencrantz [the robot vacuum] is happily fulfilling the full measure of his creation.

If Rosencrantz prays hard enough and continues to keep the commandments, the rest of your appliances will eventually return to the gospel of complete fulfillment.

I always knew that Rosencrantz’s lack of faith would someday lead us all carefully down to hell. He never joins in with scripture study.

DH began seducing me during Elder Scott’s talk, but I resisted. Now that Elder Cook is up, I may hearken to my husband.

  • nat kelly, responding to a previous commenter’s assertion that sex is fun:

Only if done with restraint. Moaning must be kept below a certain decibel level.

My son and I are making good progress on working our way through an entire box of Italian 4-Cheese Cheez-Its. Conference just gives me the munchies. That, and smoking pot (so I hear). I wonder if they both work on the same part of our brains.

President Packer has made a lot of things clear that I wish he would’ve kept vague. Or just kept to himself, really.

Becca, commenting on the fMh post “The “Hear that softly spoken magic spell” Priesthood Session Open Thread”:

Concerning missionary work being the mandate of the priesthood–my mission president always said a mission was like tithing for an elder (required) and fast offerings for a sister (whatever you want to give is fine). So sometimes, I slept until 6:40. Because I’m not really generous like that.

Comments on Alliegator’s post “Sunday Morning Open Thread” at fMh:

  • Eris, responding to the story of a parent losing a child in a fabric store:

I was a child lost in a fabric store. It’s scary on both ends. That’s why I don’t sew: it would be too traumatic.

Can some of my tithing money be used to buy Mack Wilberg a metronome?

andrew h, commenting on rah’s post “Sunday Afternoon Open Thread: Lets Make History Again!” at fMh:

Elder Oaks is letting our left hand know what our right hand is doing

Comments on EmJen’s post “The ‘The Evils of the Dole’ Saturday Afternoon Session” at BCC:

Are Conference M&M’s a “dole”?

I’m going to go turn on my robot vacuum. That way I can be extra righteous by listening to Conference and vacuuming at the same time.

  • Brad, responding to another commenter’s suggestion that missing apostles were “presiding in the Tabernacle or Assembly Hall”:

You mean “presiding _in an equal relationship_ in the Tabernacle or Assembly Hall.”

Hugo Montoya? I would have been *so* tempted to call him Inigo.

Since the church has seen fit to not release its financial data to the members that contribute to it, just once I’m waiting for the accounting guy to announce: “the church accounting department has uncovered surprising amounts activity that isn’t in accordance with church policies and good accounting practices. Thank you.”

 “Jesus is known as the Great Physician.”

So… is Doctor Who about Jesus then?

Comments on Kristine’s post “The Sunday Morning Pepto-Bismol Explosion Session” at BCC:

Our [wireless network] is called “INowPronounceYouManAndWifi”

Satan is ambitious and driven? Why oh why did we loan him a copy of “7 Habits of Highly Effective People”?

This song always cracks me up. When I was a kid, I thought they were saying “Come Come Ye Saints, no toilet paper fear”… gave me a totally different view of what being a pioneer must be like

Comments on Angela C’s post “Elder Bednar Talks About S-E-X” at BCC:

I too wish they would just call sex, “sex” more often. It’s like some odd Voldemort-ish “the act which shall not be named” thing.

  • Petra, responding to another commenter whose children had been taught that they should use a euphemism for sexy, because it is inappropriate to say “Hey, sexy lady!”:

That’s a pity. “Hey, lady with the sacred power of procreation” is much less catchy.

My favorite typo from Twitter during General Conference was “bridal your passions.”

Dave K, commenting on Brent’s post “On Men and Heavy Lifting” at D&S:

These men need to study the scriptures more. It was Eve that led Adam out of the garden. That divine patterns still follows today. If Eve had allowed Adam to rule she would still be waiting for him to finish this Halo 3 tournament and all of us would still be in the pre-existence.

Comments on Angela C’s post “Worst Mormon Date Ever” at BCC:

One [date] I remember . . . began okay. We went to a movie. Then on the way home he starts talking about marriage and asked me what kind of diamond I liked. This was a first date!! Anyway, I told him I didn’t particularly like diamonds. He couldn’t believe any woman in her right mind would not like diamonds. I told him I didn’t mind them if they were very, very, very large. I never went out with him again.

My father would tell his daughters, usually within earshot of the arriving date, to keep their pants up and their shirts down. One sister scheduled a date while he was away, no doubt to avoid said reminder. A younger brother, full of fraternal concern, took the responsibility on himself and, as she walked down the sidewalk, yelled out, “Keep your shirt up and your pants down!” By all accounts, my generation *should* have been the last of that gene pool, but no.

Casey, commenting on Kaimi’s post “The Gold Coin; or, how we should teach our youth about their worth” at T&S:

[The post described an object lesson in which kids were taught their value by using a coin that is still just as valuable even after getting scuffed.]

Kids, your nominal value will never, ever change, but your real value is likely to depreciate over time which is why you should invest yourself in the bond market of the Gospel.

Comments on Kristine’s post “Dear church leaders, fix this, now.” at BCC:

I would eat a cupcake even if someone else has licked it. That doesn’t have crap-all to do with chastity but I wanted to set the record straight re: foodstuffs. Not sure where I come down on the gum point.

UPDATE: I’ve tried the chewed gum. It all depends on the kind of gum and how chewed it is and who was going the chewing. Again, it has jack-all to do with virtue or whatever but at least I can say that I’ve been exorcising the word.

Pepper, commenting on Sara Katherine Staheli Hanks’s post “There’s Gotta Be A Better Way to Teach This: Object Lessons and Chastity” at fMh:

I heard of a brand-new sister missionary who taught the first discussion in Spanish and told her investigators that God had a body of “carne y quesos” instead of “carne y huesos” – “meat and cheeses” instead of “flesh and bones.”

Amy, commenting on Angela C’s post “Female Garments: The Underwear Business” at BCC:

“The garment should not be removed, either entirely or partially…for other activities that can reasonably be done with the garment worn properly beneath the clothing.”

Well, I guess if my activity is “sleeping naked with my husband,” that can’t “reasonably be done” with garments on, so I’m good.

Facetious, commenting on Nate Oman’s post “Chastity and Virginity” at T&S:

If we stop using euphemisms, then some companionships I fondly remember from my mission will no longer be funny. Is that a price we’re really prepared to pay?

So long, Elders Johnson and Wang.

Seldom, commenting on Living in Zion’s post “Loving the Bishop” at Mormon Mentality:

[The post told the story of a mentally unwell woman who was convinced she was going to marry her bishop.]

Maybe these bishops should be dressing more modestly. Some of those white shirts get so well worn they’re practically see through.

hawkgrrrl, commenting on hkobeal’s post “Archive Sunday: How Much Attention Should We Pay To What Everybody Else Does?” at fMh:

Growing up surrounded by Amish and Mennonites, all I can say is we were not winning the peculiar people award.

kevinf, commenting on Mark Brown’s post “[Stuff]mydadsays, Father’s Day Edition” at BCC:

I’ll tell one on myself, that all my kids remember well. Driving in our VW Vanagon on the way to a vacation, we had stopped at Afton (or Thayne?) Wyoming at the cheese factory there, and bought some cheese curds. A few miles down the road, while the curds were being passed around in the back seats, I said “Blow some of those chunks my way.” They’ve never forgotten that.

Ann, commenting on Mike C’s post “Gospel Math” at ZD:

When our primary pianist was released in a small ward, one of the counselors asked the kids to pray that we would get a new pianist. Pronounced “PEE-nist” and the “t” was mostly silent. And she kept saying it over and over again. The kids were dying. I was dying. One of my most favorite church memories.

gst, commenting on Angela C’s post “BYU’s Honor Code and Hostile Environment Sexual Harassment” at BCC:

[Another commenter mentioned that someone had gotten a beard card because he was playing Brigham Young in a play.]

“Playing Brigham Young in a play” is an outstanding reason to be issued a pass to grow a beard. It is one of the three main justifications for exemption from the honor code: medical, religious, and theatrical.

Becca, commenting on Emily U’s post “Totally Unscientific Thoughts on Gender” at the Exponent:

I called to my then 2 yr old to find out what she was doing. “Playing cars,” was her answer. I smugly congratulated myself on the enriching, gender-neutral atmosphere I had created, until I went into the room where she was.

Each car was tenderly wrapped in pajamas, and she was singing them to sleep.

dba.brotherp, commenting on Hedgehog’s post “Worship v. Instruction” at W&T:

The worst sacrament meetings are those which the speakers recite General Conference talks. I don’t count those as worship or instruction. It is during those times I look backwards upon the beach and discover there are only one set of footprints and they’re mine! :)

Risa, commenting on Derek’s post “Weeding the Garden” at fMh:

[A previous commenter had said someone had dressed promiscuously.]

How does one dress promiscuously? Wear all your clothes at once? Having casual relationships with all your pencil skirts? Wear two shoes on each foot once?

Comments on wheatmeister’s post “Fistfight at Church! Would Jesus Save Seats? (with poll)” at W&T:

Would Jesus save seats? As Emo Phillips once said, “If Aquinas reasoned that even animals have no souls, how much less chance would an inanimate object like a chair have of attaining salvation?”

  • Will, on the story of a fight that broke out over seat saving that was discussed in the post:

Learned some more on a local program, the aggressive one was the ‘active’ member while the victim was less active.

This is a less effective way of reactivating less active members. Just saying.

Cynthia L., commenting on a (fictional) Sunstone panel described in Jacob’s post “Highlights from Upcoming Papers of the 2013 Sunstone Salt Lake Symposium” at BCC:

I heard someone on the “Why We Left” panel was asked to remove himself from the program after it came to light that he actually never left and therefore it didn’t make any sense whatsoever for him to be on the panel (IIRC the confusion arose because he’d been serving in nursery for a couple years so nobody ever saw him).

annegb, commenting on Living in Zion’s post “I Don’t Think I’ll Be Saving Seats At Church Again, I Bleed Too Easy” at Mormon Mentality:

[Discussing where to sit in sacrament meeting]

Bill likes to sit in the very last row of pews because of his long legs. I like to sit in the next row up behind large people so I can read blogs in peace.

KristiJ, commenting on Nick Lindsey’s post “women as attractive accessories: the church’s new ‘dress and grooming’ website” at Young Mormon Feminists:

The new site with the guidelines and examples is WEIRD. . . . the sideburns guidelines illustration in the men FAQ section made me snort. That half inch is the difference between Gods chosen sideburns and lucifer’s.

Aaron B, commenting on Mathew’s post “Area Man Not Sure He Wants Holy Ghost Coming Around Anymore” at BCC:

the Holy Ghost is . . . certainly lazy. I spent two years inviting investigators to seek confirmation of the truthfulness of the Gospel, the Book of Mormon, prophets, etc. from him, but in the end I usually had to “help them feel and recognize” his presence, as he apparently couldn’t make himself known without my interpretive assist.

Emily U, commenting on Petra’s post “What I wish I could tell the Young Women about careers” at ZD:

I . . . got a Ph.D. in biology, thinking professors have flexible lives. Ha! Biology faculty can be flexible about whichever 12 hours a day they want to work. That was not for me.

John Harrison, commenting on Kyle M’s post “Your Comprehensive Guide to Johnny Lingo: A GIF Extravaganza!” at BCC:

Does old narrator dude have a “most interesting homeless man in the world” thing going on, or is it just me?

Mark Brown, commenting on Karen H.’s post “Valuing Families” at BCC:

[Responding to another commenter]

I’m not ready to accept a post-lobotomy discussion just because you are leading the way.

Comments on Kevin Barney’s post “The Facts of Life” at BCC:

I was 9 years old, living in rural Texas, and one of my fellow 3rd graders chided me for not knowing about “the birds and the bees and the black eyed peas” . . . . She then explained that a boy and a girl go in a closet, and the boy sticks his finger in the girl’s bellybutton and 9 days later she has a baby. I said that was ridiculous, then scientifically disproved her claim by sticking my own finger into my own bellybutton with no effect.

I learned the facts of life by reading this post. I blame correlation.

One of my young sons called me at work one day, to tell me in a horrified voice what two neighbor dogs were doing in our backyard. Since I was alone in my office I proceeded to explain to him the adult equivalent. He was even more horrified and hung up on me.

hollyhuff22, commenting on hannahwheelwright’s post “understanding our differences: younger mormons and leaving the LDS church” at Young Mormon Feminists:

[Another commenter said, “Please leave the church. You are a cancer.”]

I’m shocked to see you discriminate by astrological sign.

Tim, commenting on Douglas’s post “So… When you gonna have kids?” at Rational Faiths:

My wife and I couldn’t have kids and ended up adopting. When people asked when we were going to have kids I would tell them “I’m not sure when, but we are getting very anxious because we decided not to consummate the marriage until after the first child”.

seasickyetstilldocked, commenting on the podcast “The Seven Deadly Heresies 101″ at the Mormon Expositor:

When I meet Bruce R in heaven I shall not know any more then than I know now that he was a colossal waste of my time.

Gary Bergera, commenting on Ardis E. Parshall’s post “From Google to Keepa: What They’re Looking For” at Keepapitchinin:

I remember Jim Allen, in a BYU class, telling us students how Elder Harold B. Lee commented to some CES employees that whenever he read a book by Brother Skousen, he was always certain to mark any especially noteworthy passages with the notation “B.S.”

  • Last Lemming, commenting on Bro. Jake’s post “On ‘Know’ing” at W&T:

[A previous commenter said, “In testimony we are actually referring to Gnosis which indicates spiritual knowledge.”]

Aha, now I get it. Even if I don’t “know” the Church is true, I can “gno” the Church is true.

EmilyCC, commenting on her own post “Temple Issue Extras: Dressing Grandma for the Temple” at the Exponent:

Is it bad that I haven’t been crazy about the idea of getting buried in my temple clothes because I don’t like my temple dress? It’s polyester and itchy. Still, since I only wear it every couple months, I just make do. I just don’t want to go to the Resurrection in it :)

Sarah Braudaway-Clark, commenting on AuntMarvel’s post “The Toilet Paper” at fMh:

[The post is a parable of a woman trying to get more toilet paper in the women’s restroom at church.]

But, but, but…what about her divine “roll?” Couldn’t she use that?

whizzbang, commenting on Rosalynde Welch’s post “It’s time to change early morning seminary” at T&S:

I, too graduated from early seminary . . . The only thing I remember is our teacher got disfellowshipped for apostasy so, I spent like ten years trying to unlearn everything she taught me

John Hajicek, commenting on J. Stapley’s post “The Council of Fifty” at BCC:

I bought Joseph F. Smith’s gun at an auction today, to protect my own Joseph Smith papers. :)

  • KerBearRN, commenting on John C.’s post “Real People sin” at BCC:

[In the post, John described the folk belief that women might be automatically saved because their shedding blood in childbirth is like the Atonement.]

Hmmm… I had 4 c-sections…very little blood loss…I’m gonna burn…

Adam G., commenting on Jonathan Green’s post “Five things you should know about the BYU-Idaho dress code” at T&S:

I bemoan the lack of a dress sword requirement. An armed society is a polite society, and surely encouraging politesse fits the Mormon image to a T?

Left Field, commenting on Rachel Whipple’s post “Just because you heard it at church, doesn’t make it true.” at T&S:

What’s more annoying than “moisture” is missionaries and others from the dry country coming here to Louisiana and thanking the Lord profusely for the moisture as if we’ve just broken a long drought. The Lord blesses us with enough moisture, thanks. A few years ago, quite a few members of our ward had several feet of moisture in their living rooms.

Jason F, commenting on Thomas Hatton’s post “Beardliness is Next to Godliness: Win Some Sweet Booty for that Prophet Beard” at Rational Faiths:

This contest is discriminatory against our sweet sisters and follicly-challenge brethren. In the name of “all being alike unto god” other options should be considered. Perhaps, armpit or leg hair growth?

Comments on Steve Evans’s post “Why Should I Watch General Conference (or #ldsconf)?” at BCC:

L. Tom Perry talks like a pirate. Once you know that, you can never un-know it.

We always attend Saturday morning session at the church building with the kids. Then we go out for hamburgers afterward. It’s a bribe, but it’s also a tradition. We just watch the Sunday sessions on the internet because bribing might be breaking the sabbath.

“nothing monumental has ever happened in a Priesthood session” except for President HInckley challenging Elder Nelson to a duel, then Faust and Monson offering to be his seconds.

Filtered out of the Ensign of course.

Comments on Angela C’s post “Songs I Wish Were in the Hymn Book” at BCC:

I’d want to include “Somebody to Love” by Queen. It’s in a gospel style, so it would be amazing properly done by a choir, and it would also be good in a singles ward.

In Our Lovely Deseret must never be removed, because what other hymn results in the congregation sounding like a pack of barking seals?

Hark! Hark! Hark!

If modified lyrics and rock are acceptable, I don’t see why we couldn’t really open it up and do a reverse-soul music thing by taking songs about romantic love, slowing them down a bit, and changing the lyrics to be about divine love. A few proposals:

Johnny Cash – Ring of Fire (modified to correspond to first vision): “I was surrounded by a pil-lar of fire. It came down, down, down, and my soul went higher. And it burns, burns, burns. Pil-lar of fire. Pil-lar of fire.”

Toto – Roxanna: “All I want to do when I wake up ev’ry morning is choose the right. Je-ho-vah, Je-ho-vah. I never thought a God like you could love a sinner like me. Je-ho-vah, yea. All I want to do when I’m set up on a hill is shine my light. Je-ho-vah, Je-ho-vah.”

  • Erin, commenting on AuntMarvel’s post “October 2013 General Conference Saturday Morning” at fMh:

[A Conference speaker pronounced “covenants” oddly.]

Covenenses? Gollum?

Comments on Steve Evans’s post “The ‘Now You Have a Friend in the Revelation Business’ Saturday Morning Session” at BCC:

I’m pretty sure this “control your temper” talk is meant for me. BUT HE DOESN’T HAVE TO RUB IT IN SO MUCH!!!

  • EaT, after telling other commenters to “get a grip” in a previous comment:

*but not on yourselves, for this would be sin.

Already seeing pre-Holland buzz on some of the Facebooks., which makes me think that some of the speakers deserve entrance music and an MC. I’m not quite as much on the Holland bandwagon as some others, but I’d love to see him walk up to the pulpit with, say, a hip-hop rendition of “Come Come ye Saints” blaring and Michael Buffer making the intro. “And now…the undefeated…undisputed..apostolic people’s CHAMPION OF THE WOOOOOOOORRRLLLLDD…”

I think I did once call Elder Christofferson’s son a “poo-head,” but we were both 14. There’s gotta be a statute of limitations on that sort of thing, right? (Also, he WAS a 14-year-old boy, so the chances are high that I was right.)

Comments on Steve Evans’s post “The “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Pentecost” Sunday AM Session” at BCC:

Every time we sing “the keys of death and hell are giv’n” set to that music (which requires stress on the ‘the’), an angel kicks a puppy.

“The wonderful world of family creation” is totally going to be my go-to euphemism for teen pregnancy from now on.

“Procreative powers” = not a good phrase to use if you’re actually trying to use them in a given moment with your lawful partner.

As a father of 8 children, I love having these debates with people about large vs small families. They’ll often start with some sarcastic remark like, “HAve you figured out what caused that yet?”, to which I respond, “Yep, and apparently I’m getting more of it than you are.”

I always kind of wished the lyric was, “We all have work, don’t be a jerk.”

So if I covenant not to do something, it’s okay to send other people to do that same thing for me? The possibilities are endless!

My sister and her BYU roommates had the Rent-a-Gentile program, in which they sent a non-Mormon roommate to buy things for them on Sundays.

cornponebread, commenting on hawkgrrrl’s post “Mormon Jargon” at W&T:

Active (adj.) A person who sits on their duff for 3 hours every Sunday
Inactive (adj.) A person who goes hiking, swimming, biking, running etc. in lieu of church

Alison Moore Smith, commenting on Nathaniel Givens’s post “Does God Help Find Car Keys?” at T&S:

I think God does help people find car keys. Just not mine.

Comments on SteveP’s post “The Great BCC Aphorism Contest!” at BCC:

Build a man a fire, warm him for a day. Set a man [on] fire, warm him for the rest of his life.

Caffeine is a dish best served cold.

Perfection is a process. Start with your neighbors.

If you can’t stand the warmth, get out of the serving area.

If you labor all the days of your life in nursery and bring but one crying child to her father during priesthood meeting, how great will be your joy.

Tis better to sit in the lobby and be thought an apostate than to attend Relief Society and remove all doubt.

Comments on Ben S.’s post “Happy Young-Earth-Creationist New Year!” at T&S:

Ben, I’m mightly disappointed that you didn’t convert the proleptic Julian date to the proleptic Gregorian date. The real birthday of the world is September 21, 4003 BCE. You are leading the people astray.

Well if Primary teaches that you should be grateful for your hands, your eyes, and your ears, then gratitude for Uranus logically follows.

Roger, commenting on wheatmeister’s post “Expectation of Privacy (Weekend Poll)” at W&T:

I thought [the climactic scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark] was to represent the consequence of passing sacrament emblems with one word of the prayer misspoken

Laura West, commenting on Winterbuzz’s post “Measuring Modesty, a Slide Show” at fMh:

Is it your fault if you get robbed or murdered – ever? Do you deserve it – ever? No on both counts.*  . . .

*Statement not valid if you fail to repay the Mob or the Danites.

Lorian, commenting on Alliegator’s post “Throwing ‘it’ in their faces.” at fMh:

[Another commenter used the term “practicing homosexual.”]

I stopped practicing homosexuality back in the 1980?s, because I got really good at it and no longer needed to practice. Now I’m an expert.

KLC, commenting on Ardis E. Parshall’s post “They Had Sunday School Questions, 1919 (part 3)” at Keepapitchinin:

[The post has a question about “the most effective method of conducting class exercises in the Parents’ Department.” The answer includes three parts: equipment, execution, and vigilance.]

I once taught a class of 13 year old boys. After struggling for many months I also suggested execution but the bishop vetoed it.

Adam G., commenting on Nathaniel Givens’s post “The Missing Mormon Literary Renaissance” at T&S:

This thread contains some really drab prose. Let us argue about genre fiction in limericks, please.

Mike C, commenting on Lynnette’s post “Frogs in the Throat” at ZD:

My favorite is our enlightened LGBT anthem “High on a Mountaintop” and its line about the gospel: “…her light should there attract the gaze, of all the world in latter days.”

Who knew?

Jason S., commenting on Matt Page’s post “A Yule Blessing From The Mountaintops” at BCC:

[The post shows a Christmas card purportedly produced by Jon McNaughton.]

I knew this couldn’t be a real McNaughton, Obama wasn’t depicted lurking somewhere in the shadows spitting on a torn up copy of the constitution.

The Other Clark, commenting on Jeff Spector’s post “Plain and Precious Things” at W&T:

Some of us don’t believe the Journal of Discourses were “translated correctly” either.

JB, commenting on Ardis E. Parshall’s post “Are you having trouble posting comments?” at Keepapitchinin:

“Hey, did you hear about the hippie who accidentally took LDS instead of LSD?”
“No, what happened?”
“Well, he went on a mission instead of a trip!”

Em, commenting on Heather’s post “Least Likely Christmas Lyrics to Appear on Holiday Cards” at the Exponent:

My mom just came over and I greeted her at the door with “Here is the stocking of little Nell, Oh dear santa”
and she interrupted with “give her hell.”

7 Responses to “Nacle Notebook 2013: Funny Comments”

  1. 1.

    I blame you for how little work I got done last night! I look forward to this series every year, and yep, it’s as great as ever this year.

  2. 2.

    This is awesome as always, Ziff. So glad you are around to offer everyone the highlights of the bloggernachle, as it saves the rest of us a lot of time.

  3. 3.

    Great post as always. Your funniest comment post and Julie M. Smith’s “what the Smith boys said this year” are the two posts I look forward to every year.

    Now all you need is a statistical analysis of which blog or commenter is the funniest.

  4. 4.

    Seems like someone needs to tabulate, based on representation in this list, how funny each commentator actually is.

    With 2 posts that I could find, seems like my brother, Mike C, isn’t nearly in the running for funniest blogger. Sorry, bro.

  5. 5.

    Mark and I loved these!

    Thanks for keeping track of them.
    Oh, and I had the pleasure of introducing Mark to Jon McNaughtons work.

    Brilliant.

  6. 6.

    Thanks for y’all’s comments. I’m glad you enjoyed the compilation.

    Andrew, sorry that Mike isn’t the funniest blogger by this measure. I have to say I think he’s up there among the funniest. I guess we’ll have to wait for the Wheaties over at W&T to see the results of a more democratic process. :)

  7. 7.

    […] back to back! From the number of comments she made that were in my funniest comments of the year post, this seems well deserved based on humor alone, even if she had never said anything […]

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