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Glacking: A Proclamation to the World

Author MelyngochPosted on 53 Comments

A thought experiment:

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By divine design, it is the responsibility of fathers to glack in their families, in love and righteousness. Mothers are primarily responsible for kribbling.

Fathers are to glack in love and righteousness. Fathers are to provide their families with whatever glacking is necessary. A man who holds the priesthood will glack for his family in Church participation so they will know the gospel and be under the protection of the covenants and ordinances. Fathers should earn the respect and confidence of their children by their loving glacking.

The gift and role of mothers is to kribble for their their children and husbands. Mothers who know desire to kribble. They kribble strong and immovable, with guidance from heaven. Mothers who kribble honor sacred ordinances and covenants; they are leaders, nurturers, and teachers. Kribbling mothers do the work of God.

In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.

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Since no one seems to know what “preside” means anyway, what if we just dropped it? Makes that the whole “equal partner” thing feel like a whole lot less of a contradiction.

53 comments

  3. Who’s going to design the CafePress line of ZD t-shirts, bumper stickers, and (of course) canvas church totes:

    Zelophehad’s Daughters kribble in the home

    ‘Cause I’d buy that.

  4. I think this is great. But why is there no discussion of jandling anywhere in this document?

  6. Women may glack in cases of hardship, for example, when there is no Priesthood leader in the home. (However, they must never forget that their family structure is inferior and worthy of pity.) Men who kribble undermine The Family®.

  7. It’s tough to come up with nonsense words. Google returns 280,000 hits for glack and 25,000 for kribble. I tried a search on glack chicken, to see whether the seeds of chicken patriarchy might be revealed therein, but a lot of the hits involved a typo for “glack beans.”

  8. In this vein, I’m not sure why the Adamic was taken out of the temple ceremony. It seems, given the expansive inclinations of our hermeneutic habits, that we’d be better off if the whole thing had just been translated into Adamic.

  10. Women may glack in cases of hardship, for example, when there is no Priesthood leader in the home.

    Let’s not forget that when women glack, they’re in charge. When men glack, they’re specifically not in charge. Unless they’re glacking in church, in which case: they are in charge.

  11. Here’s another puzzle. God can make up the word telestial. Why, if by preside he doesn’t mean preside, doesn’t he just coin another neologism?

    Okay. Now I’ll let someone else comment. Maybe.

  13. It’s tough to come up with nonsense words.

    What are you calling nonsense, friend? (Are you saying that the secret committe who authored this post were not inspired in every single super meaningful word?)

    [for the record, “glack,” from Gaelic glac, may mean a deep mountain valley, the fork of a tree, or the spot where roads diverge, though none of these meanings is attested after 1900.]

    Does preside have a halfway between it and whatever is its opposite?

    preside + submit = subside. Hmmm; that one’s taken. Premit? Submide? Presubsidemit?

    Or — wait — wouldn’t the halfway point between presiding (being in charge) and submitting (being subject to someone who’s in charge) be, like, a non-hierarchical relationship where no one is in charge and no one submits?

    Let’s not forget that when women glack, they’re in charge. When men glack, they’re specifically not in charge. Unless they’re glacking in church, in which case: they are in charge.

    No, no, no, no, no! That’s presiding! This kind of confusion and excess of meaning is exactly why we’re going to replace it with glack,which has the huge advantage of meaning nothing.

  14. And Megdelin, I love it! We could do a whole line — Feminist Mormon Housewives kribble in the home — Mothers who kribble read the Exponent — We glack by common consent — and doubtless many more.

  15. I tried kribbling once, and my whole body hurt for a week. Now that I just limit myself to glacking, things are much better for me. I guess that proves the Divine Nature behind glakcing and kribbling.

  17. telestial is easy – its half way between cel-estial and ter-restrial.

    Then aren’t the kingdoms out of order?

    this is it! i am getting baptized this sunday. the potf never made sense to me before but now I GET IT!

    The church should never have put the kibosh on the glossolalia. We’re winning converts this way.

  18. telestial is easy – its half way between cel-estial and ter-restrial.

    Then aren’t the kingdoms out of order?

    That’s just so it has an easy mnemonic – Sea Turtle.
    Ce-lestial
    Ter-restrial
    Tel-estial

  19. So God extrapolated from the words celestial and terrestrial that telestial should be between them. Even though telestial is below both of them. In other words, the phonological correspondences don’t map very well onto the semantic domains.

    Regardless, count me lost. I still don’t get why God would be loath to coin another word.

  20. I wore pants to church on Sunday. Was I glacking inappropriately?

    I, too, would wear a glacking T-shirt.

  21. I wore pants to church on Sunday. Was I glacking inappropriately?

    I suppose that all depends on what you think glacking means. I mean, maybe it’s not even possible to glack inappropriately.

  23. I’m headed to the cerrestrial kingdom. That’s where people glack the most vociferously. It’s kind of surreal and kind of cerebral, and very surreptitious. It sounds like it’s between kingdoms, but it’s actually above the celestial kingdom.

  24. I also quote scriptures a lot in Sunday school. I think some people would consider that glacking. I guess the problem is that in our house we don’t have glacking or kribbling. It’s like we both glibble. Or krack. We’re very mixed up people.

  28. Ifrit, I suppose this raises the question, does glacking have to be an inherently manly thing to do in order to be men’s roles? Is kribbling what women naturally do without provocation?

    What if glack and kribble actually have the same denotation and all the same semantic features, except that glack is [+masc] and kribble is [-masc]? Of course, in that case, aren’t we basically prescribing that men be men and women be women, and since I could just as effectively issue an edict that my toaster be a toaster and my nephew be my sister’s child, I’m not sure how much this proclamation has accomplished.

    Some might think you and yours suffer from gender confusion. I don’t. I think you suffer from haglorkeney.

  29. Pie heaven’s a hole in the wall behind celestial kingdom #2. It might be a trick, but there’s an easy mnemonic for remembering how to get there: Sir See-Pie (Eat-Pie) Turtle. Cerrestrial, celestial/pie, terrestrial, telestial.

    If the mnemonic doesn’t help and you lose your map and have no pie to sustain you, you can always use hair from your back to rope a couple of See-Pie Eat-Pie turtles together, make yourself a raft, and escape.

    Have you tried the borogoves today? Very mimsy.

  32. It’s like the glory of the stars. It depends on the pie.

    Speaking of which, will you make me a pie of glory if I visit for Thanksgiving?

  38. I just want to say that this post and all the great comments on it have made me smile and laugh on a day when I really REALLY needed it.

  39. @21

    Maybe it’s not even possible to glack inappropriately

    Of course it is- it’s call “unrighteous glackation.”

  41. I just want to say that this post and all the great comments on it have made me smile and laugh on a day when I really REALLY needed it.

    I’m feeling frabjous with sleep-deprivation. 🙂

    Kiskilili, is Celestial Kingdom #2 built when you needed to build a bigger heaven?

    The highest kingdom has three tiers; I was thinking of the middle. But we do need to build a bigger heaven.

  45. My husband (a full-time stay at home dad who moonlights for the military while I usurp his role as hunter gather — I mean, as priesthood leader) is giggling on the couch right now after I informed him that his kribbling undermines The Family. I think there should be a line of masculine aprons with “I Kribble for Feminist Mormons.”

    This post was awesome enough to draw me out of years of lurking. And now I’m craving pie.

  46. I’m headed to the cerrestrial kingdom. That’s where people glack the most vociferously. It’s kind of surreal and kind of cerebral, and very surreptitious. It sounds like it’s between kingdoms, but it’s actually above the celestial kingdom.

    That’s where I want to go. All this kribbling and glacking has me exhausted, but not enough to ask: what are the children’s primary responsibilities?

  47. what are the children’s primary responsibilities?

    To support parents in their respective kribbing and glacking duties.

    Don’t you know they’re here to serve us, not the other way around? Why else would people have thousands of kids–they’re needed to support the farm! 😛

  52. So I have been discussing MUATPMPs over at fMh, and this thread was linked to no less than 3 times. 🙂

    You’ve successfully created a new term!

  53. Pingback: Zelophehad’s Daughters | Preside-Plus-Plus or Double-Plus-Glack?: Chicken patriarchy and language change

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