Zelophehad’s Daughters

Nacle Notebook 2010: Funny Comments

Posted by Ziff

Below is a list of some of the funniest comments I read in the Bloggernacle in 2010. Note that in most cases, I’ve taken excerpts from longer comments. Each commenter’s name is a link to the original comment (except for comments at Mormon Matters, which are no longer displayed at the site).

(And in case you haven’t already seen them, here are similar posts from 2009 and 2008.)

  • Ms. Jack, commenting on ECS’s post “Short and Sweet” at fMh, (on being 6 feet tall):

People are always looking at my ankles to see if I’m wearing heels when I go out in public. Why can’t you people just look at my breasts like normal people?

  • Moniker Challenged, commenting on ECS’s post “Out with the old, in with the . . . old?” at fMh:

If the my grandma could attend a homemaking meeting on finding handy and artistic uses for dryer lint, we can devote a meetingformerlyknownasenrichment meeting to finding uses for Mormon Doctrine. I’d show up for that one!

  • chanson, commenting on a BCC guest’s post “Caption This MormonAd”:

Funny that a church publication would take the time to teach us that diamonds are more precious than rubies. In the modern version, it’ll be Glen Beck explaining that the best investment is gold! ;)

  • Janet, commenting on fMhLisa’s post “Cleanliness is Next to Godliness” at fMh:

I actually loved the clean “on the market” house because my husband put stuff away without being nagged! He was so motivated to sell–woohooo!

. . . But one day I returned from a showing, my house having been beautifully prepared, to walk around to DH’s side of the bed and find . . . . about three days worth of dirty stinky garmies siting in a pile. Just what sells a house: dirty magic underwear.

  • Stephanie, commenting on fMhLisa’s post “Cleanliness is Next to Godliness” at fMh:

After the novelty wears off, this moonsand is going to “disappear”. The only problem is that my kids have caught onto me. When they can’t find a toy, they cry, “Did you throw it away, mom?!?”

  • Enna, commenting on Seraphine’s post “Being a 30-something Single in the Church: Part IV, Family Wards” at ZD:

A sister I introduced myself to asked me who my husband was. When I told her I was single she looked surprised and said, “But you don’t seem bitter at all!”

  • Orwell, commenting on ESO’s post “LDS Hood” at Mormon Mentality:

my personal opinion is that “I Believe in Christ” is one of the most tedious, ponderous, redundant, and mind-numbing hymns in existence. (Not to mention its length — it should never, ever be the closing hymn.) The fact that congregational hymns are always sung at 60, regardless of the metronome mark, only makes the situation worse. Nevertheless, this hymn is essential to LDS-hood because it reminds us all of the “eternal” part in eternal hell, prompting us to repent and be better people.

  • Daniel, commenting on Dan Ellsworth’s post “White Horse by the Numbers” at Mormon Mentality:

For those who believe in the White Horse, I would like to know specifics. Exactly how is the Constitution hanging by a thread? Isn’t that thread quite strong if it has been hanging by a thread since the 1840s?

I . . . dislike the tendency––frequently on display when making veiled political statements––to use testimony as a rhetorical bludgeon. “I know that we must do all we can to care for the poor and needy” (so if you don’t support the healthcare bill, you’ll make Jesus cry), or “I know [wipes nose and/or running mascara] that we must protect the sanctity of the family unit” (so your choice to vote against Prop 8 was basically like sending a donation to NAMBLA while performing an abortion with your other hand, and while Jesus does have an appreciation for the ambidextrous, you still made him cry).

  • StillConfused, commenting on Kristine’s post “A confession” at BCC:

When I hear someone start a talk with “I have been asked to speak on…” (which is so lame), I have expect them to say “But I think that topic is dumb so instead I am going to talk about …” At least then it would be interesting

  • Latter-day Guy, commenting on Kristine’s post “A confession” at BCC:

Recently my Aunt went to a session in which the officiator spoke to the endowment group about a man who was receiving his own endowment that morning. The guy had tourette syndrome, and they wanted to prepare everyone for the inevitable times he was going to say something he shouldn’t––very audibly. Anyway, everyone about busted up when Eve came on the screen and the man immediately said: “Toooooo much makeup!”

  • Fairchild, commenting on Phoenix’s post “Sex, Lies, and the Mormon Actor” at fMh:

My husband’s grandfather works in the Salt Lake temple and loves playing Satan. I think it’s his favorite role.

  • B.Russ (going by “152″ at the time), commenting on John C.’s post “The Magic Words” at BCC (on spontaneous expressions of thanks during the sacrament):

There used to be much more spontanaity . . . but then they replaced the wine with water. Buzzkills.

  • John Mansfield, commenting on John C.’s post “The Magic Words” at BCC (quoting and responding to another commenter):

“I smile and nod to the young men when they pass the Sacrament. I think service should be acknowledged.”

OK, but please, no tipping.

  • Matt W., commenting on the Bloggernacle Times editors post “What is the ‘Bloggernacle’?” at the Bloggernacle Times:

Sorry for all the typos in that last comment by me. Read it as if you were drunk.

  • kuri, commenting on Mark Brown’s post “Ranking Sins — A Poll” at BCC:

I’m never angry without a cause. OTOH, I never lust without a cause either.

  • Dan Weston, commenting on Mark Brown’s post “Ranking Sins — A Poll” at BCC:

Had I but words enough and rhyme,
for cloying plagiaristic parody sublime,
I would deploy haiku and sonnets bare,
and all my lusty thoughts declare,
til anger burst from Kathryn fair.

Instead I call on other poets here,
from Bloggerfar and Nacclenear,
pick lust or anger, which will be the greater sin?
or pick them both, Scott, for the win.
Borrowed wisdom spiced with new insight,
they also serve who only pick a fight.

  • xenologue, commenting on mfranti’s post “And….We’re back!” at fMh:

My husband’s parents had 6 kids who used to tease them on road trips by saying “Mom, Dad! We forgot ______” only to have said so-and-so pop up 2 minutes later from under the seat (no seatbelts in those days). This never-cry-wolf game resulted eventually in my husband being left behind at a gas station at a tender age for a couple of hours. It took the kids a while to convince their parents that they really had forgotten him.

For his part, hubby found 5 dollars on the ground, bought himself some ice cream and sat on the curb to wait.

  • Cynthia L., commenting on Scott B.’s “BCC Zeitcast 3.5.0: The Niblet Menace” at BCC (on Nine Moons blogger MCQ):

McQ’s wife was formed when Jason took one of his McRibs from his side, signifying that they are equal. And McQ is to preside.

  • AllieKay, commenting on Stephanie’s post “Fascinating Woman, Part 1″ at fMh (responding to another commenter’s suggestion that a wife should comment her husband’s male traits) :

Compliment him on his male traits? What? Like his penis?

  • nat kelly (going by “Hammie” at the time), commenting on Artemis’s post “The Wrong Trousers” at fMh (on women wearing pants to church):

If he [the bishop] wants you to wear a dress, he should be willing to do so as well.

  • LRC, commenting on Artemis’s post “The Wrong Trousers” at fMh (listing reasons why she wears pants to church):

so the little old men and ladies in HP and RS have something to talk about. If they weren’t talking about what I’m wearing, they’d find something (or someone) else to wag their tongues about and I’ve got a thicker skin than a bunch of other potential conversation starter-types, so I’m happy to provide this service to my fellow brothers and sisters. :-)

  • Renee, commenting on Artemis’s post “The Wrong Trousers” at fMh:

As Stk YW President I had to attend Stk Council meetings on a monthly basis. I always went straight from work (I am an interior designer) to these meetings. I don’t think I ever wore a skirt, although I was always dressed in appropriate professional attire. I was asked by a number of well intentioned kindly men if I would please wear a skirt next time. I would just chuckle. I mean really, my legs are way too sexy for this church…

  • Kristine, commenting on Dave Banack’s post “Sleep, Success, and Seminary” at T&S:

There’s tons of research showing that teens’ circadian rhythms shift back so that they really DON’T sleep well before midnight, no matter how many times you quote the D&C at them.

  • Stephanie, commenting on fMhLisa’s post “nourish and strength” at fMh:

I always choke when I get to that part and say something like, “Please bless us that these cookies . . . um . . . don’t do us harm”

  • Mark D., commenting on Dane Laverty’s post “Organizational Management in the Church” at T&S:

If the Church does not teach a comprehensive theology, a folkloric and speculative anarchy will reign in its stead.

  • Sofia, commenting on Stephanie’s post “Sunday Afternoon Session G.C. Open Thread” at fMh:

I always think it’s a little dangerous to use animals as examples of the maternal/child bond. There are plenty of other examples of mothers who eat their young.

  • Claudia, commenting on Stephanie’s post “Sunday Afternoon Session G.C. Open Thread” at fMh (on nurturing plants versus kids):

I’m destined to be a horrible nurturer for my four kids, since I have a black thumb and kill everything I try to care for. At least children scream when something is wrong. Plants just die without a sound.

  • Paula, commenting on ESO’s post “Duty to God. vs. Personal Progress” at Mormon Mentality:

At our local Cub Scout roundtable, the leaders receive a bead to hook on the uniforms for each time they attend. We had a tradition of standing together as the beads were awarded, and chanting, ” A bead, a bead, I did it for a bead!” Perhaps the YW could come up with a similar chant.

  • Latter-day Guy, commenting on Mark Brown’s post “Am I a Christian Now?” at BCC (responding to Mark’s request for suggestions about what to do with a Jesus fish on a car he bought):

Can you replace part of it? I was thinking it might be appropriate to change (JESUS) to (JONAH), as he probably had more “in-fish” experience.

  • Aaron Brown, commenting on Dane Laverty’s post “Introducing, Me” at T&S (responding to Dane saying he had found BCC “dangerously irreverent” when he first read it):

I sometimes attend church without underwear on. Very irreverent, but no one knows, which makes it relatively undangerous, yet diabolically secretive.

  • Ardis E. Parshall, commenting on her own post “I Have Even More Questions, 1898″ at Keepapitchinin:

think of testimony in the legal sense. I can’t imagine a judge allowing a witness to ramble on with “I love the district attorney” or “I’m so thankful for the bailiff” or “I know the court reporter is sweet.”

  • jm, commenting on a BCC post “A reader’s question”:

Big difference between being your brothers keeper and being his stalker.

  • madhousewife (Rebecca J) commenting on Scott B.’s post “Thursday Morning Quickie #11″ at BCC:

I’ve heard that in general, children tend to decrease marital happiness. In my husband’s and my case, though, our children brought us closer together because they gave us something to be united against.

  • Orwell, commenting on Mark Brown’s post “Mormon Buzzwords” at BCC:

what’s up with “the Spirit was so strong”?

. . . are we meant to understand that he’s ripped? Or rather, that he was… it seems to imply that he hasn’t been exercising his spiritual muscles. Definitely inappropriate.

I . . . second “nourish and strengthen,” and especially the long form: “nourish and strengthen our bodies and do us the good that we need.” It should be “supply our hearts, minds and auxiliary organs with vital nutrients and energy, that our spirits may inhabit a well-functioning tabernacle of clay.”

  • MCQ, commenting on Kristine’s post “Mormon Day at Slate” at BCC:

Our appreciation of Mormon art can afford include even vampires, as well as other creatures not technically found within the pages of our scriptures (or some that are, I’m still waiting for the great curelom novel, for example).

  • gst, commenting on Cynthia L.’s post “How to Sincerely Enjoy Working in Nursery” at BCC (suggesting a schedule for nursery):

10:15 Welcome dirge played while children file in somberly
10:20 Vigorous marching and drill (include at least 10 minutes of standing at attention)
10:40 Review of the children standing at attention, noting deficiencies in dress and grooming
10:45 Pugil sticks
11:00 SERE exercises
11:30 Obscure scripture memorization and recital
11:45 Sin aversion therapy using the Ludovico technique
11:58 Bubbles
12:00 Pick-up by parents

  • jimbob, commenting on Natasha Helfer Parker’s post “The Mormon Therapist on Kids Talking Anatomy” at Mormon Matters:

I have a 4-year-old boy and a 2-year-old boy and, in spite of my best efforts, we talk about penises nearly every day. Why, just this week we’ve discussed the following: whether it’s appropriate to show everyone your penis at the dinner table; whether you should ever suddenly and violently yank your brother’s penis in the shower as retaliation for some perceived slight; why mommy has no penis; that by definition no mommy will have a penis; that mommy can still go to the bathroom even with no penis; that mommy not having a penis is not deleterious to her health; and that just because the older one wears his older cousin’s cup (which he calls a penis protector), that doesn’t mean it’s a good idea to go around hitting himself in the crotch area and pulling down his pants at the grocery store to show everyone his “penis protector.”

  • MCQ, commenting on Scott B.’s post “BoH: The Blog” at Bloggernacle Times (responding to DKL’s assertion that it would be impossible for a person or group of people to simulate his online persona because of his vast knowledge):

you’re like the BoM in that sense, DKL. Until Fawn Brodie writes about you, we may never get a plausible theory of how you exist.

  • Rebecca J, commenting on AdamF’s post “Best and Worst of Mormonism: Primary Songs!” at Mormon Matters:

“A Child’s Prayer” is a beautiful song, one of my favorites from my years in Primary . . . . I also like that it says “Are You really there?” instead of “Art Thou really there?” J.K. Perry decided that it was more important to create a sense of intimacy between a child and God than to use the Appropriate Prayer Pronouns.

  • Latter-day Guy, commenting on Orwell’s post “The Prophet is Dead: Thoughts on the Mormon Culture War” at Mormon Mentality (explaining another commenter’s typo where he said Brigham Young first said blacks couldn’t hold the priesthood in 1952):

Joseph Fielding Smith was giving a talk, and all of a sudden his voice began to sound subtly different, within moments even his face had taken on Brigham’s features, but it was the super-quick-growing neckbeard that clinched it…

  • rbc, commenting on Devyn S.’s post “Prayer of a Child…” at Mormon Mentality:

My daughter recently babysat for a family with 3 girls. After prayers and while my daughter was in the process of putting the girls in bed one asked about monsters. My daughter explained to the three girls that monsters eat boys. One of the older girls responded further that monsters only eat “boys with muscles.” The youngest daughter then exhaled and said “Boy I’m glad my Dad is fat.”

  • Latter-day Guy, commenting on Scott B.’s post “Thursday Morning Quickie #16″ at BCC:

We used to go to sleep listening to Old Testament stories on tape… narrated by a freaking terrifying old man’s voice. The tapes were designed to go along with picture books, and the sound the tape made when it was time to ‘turn the page’ was identical to that weird clanging noise in the old Joseph Smith video when he is set upon by the devil.

And that is why I hate the scriptures.

  • SteveP, commenting on Rebecca J’s post “Petitionary prayer: the monkey’s paw of my faith” at BCC:

I’m scared to death to pray for anything specific. I’ve even tried reverse psychology on God (you know, don’t throw me in the brier patch) and He’s always on to me.  . . . Right now I’m praying that I can overcome pride and I’m hoping I can trick the Lord into giving me cool stuff to be prideful about.

  • annegb, commenting on ESO’s post “Inventions Crying out for an Inventor” at Mormon Mentality:

I’d personally like to be able to give the speaker a small electric shock when they talk too long. And then a much bigger one because I think there are people who would ignore the small one. It drives me crazy how people think what they have to say is so important that we should listen to it for an hour. Even 15 minutes is pushing it.

  • DKL, commenting on Devyn S.’s post “How Many Supreme Court Justices Can You Name?” at Mormon Mentality:

which is more disturbing: The fact that most Americans cannot name a single Supreme Court Justice. Or the fact that most Americans can only name a single self-proclaimed Messiah that lived in Israel in the century before Rome destroyed Jerusalem.

  • Living in zion, commenting on bbell’s post “A hill to die on” at Mormon Mentality:

I once almost reached across the table and ripped a kids head off during a Sunday School class I was teaching because he kept making comments about another kid in class.

In Gospel speak that rule would be “Love One Another” or Sister Young is gonna open a can of Whoop A___ on you.

  • Left Field, commenting on SteveP’s post “On the City of God and the US Constitution” at BCC:

Who’d want to worship a God who just “allowed” photosynthesis to happen? Surely, a true God would be inside every chloroplast, creating glucose ex nihilo, instead of allowing all those Godless humanistic false theories involving RuBisCo and chlorophyll, and ATP and energy, and that Godless “Calvin Cycle.”

  • EvelynM, commenting on ECS’s post “The Women’s Pull” at fMh:

On the whole, treks pretty much baffle me. . . . It makes me wonder what kind of experiences OUR great-grandchildren might have the honor of re-enacting…”Gooooood morning, kids! Today your house has been foreclosed on, and due to your 6 months of unemploymend and inadequate food storage preparation, all you have to eat today is a couple of stale fruit roll-ups. Time to search for a job on your (ridiculously huge!) pizza box-sized computer, which which your husband has recently confessed to accesssing p*rn! Your ancestors struggled through all this and were refined by God in the process, and we are who we are today because of them. Now go have a spiritual experience!”

  • Stephanie, commenting on Not Ophelia’s post “Longitude” at fMh:

My son just told me (talking about the park bathrooms we visited yesterday):

Mom, know what’s not fair? Girls get a door on their stall just because they have vaginas! Boys don’t because we have a penis. That’s not fair.

  • Th., commenting on Eve’s post “Parenting Theories, Love, and the Inevitability of Grief” at ZD:

I was at someone’s house the other night and looked at the parenting books they kept over their toilet. Then I vomited and thus had to flush twice, wasting water.

  • Beth, commenting on EmilyS’s post “What’s So Bad About Other People’s Choices?” at fMh (on when she and her husband will decide to have children):

seems to me that older people are far more comfortable asking. Both my father (80) and my husband’s grandmother (90) didn’t see anything wrong with asking me when I was going to get pregnant. . . .

Dad: I just want you to have a baby before I die.
Me: Don’t die, then.

  • Antonio Parr, commenting on Kevin Barney’s post “Harvey Unga” at BCC:

some say that BYU football stinketh; but as for myself, to me BYU football doth not stink.

  • chelseaw, commenting on Rebecca J’s post “Good, bad and so-bad-they’re-awesome gospel analogies” at BCC:

The worst analogy I ever heard in sacrament meeting was in 1997, a very tearful testimony about how Jesus is just like Jack from Titanic, sacrificing himself so we can have the raft. Thankfully the analogy didn’t extend into the nude sketching portion of the movie.

  • Michael, commenting on Rebecca J’s post “Good, bad and so-bad-they’re-awesome gospel analogies” at BCC:

I sat in a Sacrament meeting in Idaho last month, where the High Council speaker said, and I quote,
“A testimony is like underwear. It’s always there, but sometimes you don’t realize it until you get a wedgie.”

  • KLC, commenting on Rebecca J’s post “Good, bad and so-bad-they’re-awesome gospel analogies” at BCC:

My new mission president, who later became a 70, compared the spirit to wetting your pants wearing a dark blue suit. “No one notices but it sure gives you a nice warm feeling…”

  • Rigel Hawthorne, commenting on Jeff Spector’s post “Ergo the White Shirt and Conformity” at Mormon Matters:

Maybe for the really lazy men with no inclination to fashion, a one-piece jump suit could be designed for the Sunday block. The upper half white, the lower half black or brown, with a stretch belt sewn in, with latching buckle. Since the tie is ‘necessary’, it could be sewn to one side of the collar and secured with a spot of velcro after the one-piece is zipped up.

  • Paul, commenting on Jeff Spector’s post “Ergo the White Shirt and Conformity” at Mormon Matters:

I think that the next thing the brethren should do is make sure all Aaronic Priesthood holders wear white briefs (or boxers) all the time and not colored ones. It is a more powerful analogy than a white shirt, and is the next logical step for separating the good from the bad based on clothing choice. If you ever wore non-white underwear, please think of why you didn’t find a better way to live. It could be added to the new DTG, or the parents could sign off on it separately. :)

  • Jon, commenting on Aaron B’s post “Barfing for Jesus” at BCC:

My trainer was lactose intolerant, but valued dairy products over intestinal integrity. . . . On a daily basis, he would lean his head to the side while riding his bike and hurl. Since I had no idea where we were going for the first few months, I had to ride behind him. I hated windy days.

  • Latter-day Guy, commenting on Aaron B’s post “Barfing for Jesus” at BCC:

My favorite story along these lines comes from my brother’s mission in Ukraine. Short version: his comp was experiencing the thunder down under. (Public restrooms in that nation are apparently as common as gold plates and holy grails.) That evening they try to get to the house of a member in the area, so as to use their facilities. The poor kid has to stop every couple of dozen steps or so in order to encourage his sphincter to keep fighting the good fight. Finally, they arrive at the member’s house, ring their apartment bell, and see the lights click on upstairs.

“It’s too late,” the companion says, furiously attacking his belt and fly.

“What are you talking about!? We’ll be inside in ten seconds, and you can use their bathroom. WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?”

“It’s too late.” And it is. Conversation is ended as he takes an explosive––nay, cataclysmic!––dump on the front steps. He rummages around in his bag and finds a Joseph Smith pamphlet (sorry, Joe) to try to clean himself off with.

By now they can hear footsteps coming down the stairs inside.

“Run.”

“What?”

“RUUUUUNNNN!!!” he yells, hiking up his drawers after a final effort at defiling the pamphlet. They arrive at their apartment later, and burn that poor Elder’s garment bottoms.

That week at church, they listen sympathetically, and try to comfort a member family that was the victim of a disgusting anti-Mormon prank. Apparently some hoodlums left LDS tracts on their porch, covered in human feces. The elders teach an impromptu Sunday school lesson on adversity, and all are edified.

  • Risa, commenting on fMhLisa’s post “Defending the Patriarchy” at fMh:

I am so grateful that the Lord gave me my husband as a helpmeet. I’m so grateful that he is in tune with the Spirit and can help me as I exude righteous dominion over our family. He always defers to me, knowing that my womb makes me oh so much more righteous than men. He knows that because of my priestesshood, I am much more spiritual and capable of blessing lives than he. I’m so glad he supports me and helps me be a good mother, because without his encouragement and the church, I would actively neglect my children. That is the nature of women. Without the responsibility of leadership in family, I would fall asunder and surely I would be out gallivanting, drinking alcohol, and stuffing twenties into male strippers thongs. I’m so glad my husband understands the true nature of fatherhood and supports me as I fulfill my callings in leadership positions. Lord knows, if he wasn’t at home taking care of the children and baking cookies, I would never be able to use my power to enact good in my community. Without this leadership position I would be inclined to help no one. I’m so glad my husband allows me to lead our family by assigning little Janey to always say family prayer because she will be a priestesshood holder in her family some day and will need to know how to lead. I’m so thankful for the programs in the church that allow to to develop her leadership skills so that she can lead her family one day. I’m so glad my sons are learning their proper place in the home during their Primary lessons on the importance of being fruitful and multiplying. I mean, their only real worth is bringing children into the home. If they had any other goals beside family I would know that they are just power hungry.

  • Suzanne Nielsen, commenting on nat kelly’s post “Our Blue-Eyed Savior” at fMh:

When I get resurrected, I want a tail. A long luxurious tail. Preferably prehensile.
If the Celestial kingdom is where everyone has to spend eternity as a anemic white person, I [am] definitively not going. Me and my tail are headed for more interesting places.

Maybe the telestial world could use a good dose of liberation theology. Hopefully it has trees.

  • StillConfused, commenting on Rebecca J’s post “Real polygamist housewives” at BCC:

I would not want a second husband. Too many penises in a room.

  • Dan Weston, commenting on Steve Evans’s post “Just a little black raincloud” at BCC:

I wear clothes not because I am ashamed of my naked body, but because others are.

  • manaen, commenting on Kevin Barney’s post “Patriarchal Priesthood” at BCC:

my father served faithfully in the bishopric but he sometimes became tongue-tied when conducting Sacrament meetings; he twice led the congregation in sustaining the advancement of young men from the office of teacher to “preacher.”

  • Chris H., commenting on john f.’s post “An Appeal to Mitt Romney for Republican Leadership on the Mosque Issue” at BCC (quoting and responding to another commenter):

“What would you say to someone who thought there was only one “correct” position on say, social justice, which is basically what Glenn Beck says day in and day out?”

I usually just think to myself “What would the liberal-verson of DKL do in this situation?” It is the bloggernacle imperative.

  • Adam Greenwood, commenting on Kent Larsen’s post “Stop Forwarding Lies and Hate” at T&S:

Once I picked up three hitchhikers. One of them told me, ‘we’ve been debunked by snopes.com’ When I turned to look at them in the backseat, they were gone.

  • Talon, commenting on Cynthia L.’s post “Interview with BYU student Cary Crall” at BCC (on the fact that many future Church leaders came from Zion’s camp):

that’s why we’ve been going on Scout camps ever since. Nothing trains a future Stake President like setting up a dome tent, eating a half burned half raw tin foil dinner, and throwing cans of insect repelent into a fire. Nothing.

  • MikeInWeHo, commenting on Cynthia L.’s post “Interview with BYU student Cary Crall” at BCC (responding to another commenter who thought he had moved to Hawaii):

This summer I did move 2 miles east to Hollywood proper (next to WeHo), but that’s like going from Sodom to Gomorrah.

  • gst, commenting on Sam MB’s post “Moral sensibility and Providence” at BCC:

On our way to Yellowstone my daughter prays “Please Lord guide thy brown bear to the campsite we hope to occupy, that he may be sated by the delicious hippies presently encamped thereon. Amen.”

  • Paul, commenting on Aaron B’s post “Hanging-by-a-Thread Poll” at BCC:

When the Elders of Israel are doing a move, lots of things hang by a thread, and sometimes fall and break. This prophecy means that they will always be careful enough not to drop the Constitution or other important artifacts (even though it looks like they will drop them), but your piano or other furniture might get some scratches.

  • OhtheShame!, commenting on fMhLisa’s post “Wayward Children” at fMh:

Dang. I thought is was “No other excess can compensate for failure to go to Rome.”

  • Jessawhy, commenting on Heather’s post “How Embarrassing!” at the Exponent:

When my oldest son was little, we would whisper to him during the sacrament about the meaning of the emblems we were eating.
We told him that the bread represents Jesus’ body and the water represents his blood.

One Sacrament meeting when he was 3 or 4, he was eating the bread with a lot of enthusiasm and in his outside voices, exclaims for half the church to hear, “Mmmmm, Jesus’s BODY!”

. . . We haven’t taught the other children quite like we taught the first.

  • oudenos, commenting on Rusty’s post “Insider Gospel Knowledge” at Nine Moons (commenting on having read “meditation” as “medication” in another person’s comment):

I kind of daydream about taking drugs in order “to truly understand difficult doctrines.” I can imagine getting myself hopped on an opiate, something respectable and old-timey like laudanum, and settling in for an evening of reading the Gospel Principles manual with heightened state of awareness. Guarantee I would uncover scintillating doctrinal nuance to food storage.

  • Mark B., commenting on Scott B.’s post “Success-ion and Suck-cession” at BCC:

Once when my name was presented for sustaining in a stake conference, a woman sitting a few rows behind us said “Who? Him?” loudly enough for my wife and children to hear. I suspect that my mind was elsewhere, or my ears filled with the singing of celestial choirs, or something, because I didn’t hear it.

  • brandt, commenting on Kristine’s post “Saturday AM General Conference: It’s Not BYU Football, So It Won’t Stink” at BCC (on troubles getting the Conference feed to work):

I can hear the music, but not the spoken word?

  • Diego, commenting on Kristine’s post “Saturday AM General Conference: It’s Not BYU Football, So It Won’t Stink” at BCC (quoting from a talk given in the session):

“two groups that have trouble following the prophet.. the rich and the learned.”

yet we teach that if we keep the commandments we will prosper temporally. And we teach people to get an education.

So are we TRYING to get people to stop following the prophet?

  • StillConfused, commenting on Kristine’s post “Saturday AM General Conference: It’s Not BYU Football, So It Won’t Stink” at BCC:

Me: Thank you for not having a tattoo
Husband: But I do have a tattoo
Me: Where
Husband: You are tattooed on my heart
Me: ahhhh

  • DKL, commenting on hawkgrrrl’s post “Know Your Religion: Apparently Mormons Do” at Wheat and Tares:

In fairness to most religions, the Bible is a book written by ancient pastoral and agricultural tribes that has very little relevance to 21st century life. Frankly, I find it a bit disturbing that Mormons know so much about it.

  • me, commenting on Natalie B.’s post “Halloween on Sundays” at BCC:

We equate candy gained on the Lord’s day to lottery winnings. In order to help our children gain their own testimony of this truth, we guilt them into turning over all of their candy except for 1 piece of their own choosing. Parenting can be a lot of fun!

  • Vanessa, commenting on Brooke’s post “Do Holes Make You Unholy?” at Segullah (on staying in church clothes after church):

With 3 kids under 5, I can’t imagine how much faster my clothes would run out if I didn’t change the moment I got home. I only have about three Sunday dresses. I would have to wash my dresses every week. . . . Maybe I will consider doing this when I am not a human napkin.

  • Julie M. Smith, commenting on J. Stapley’s post “Conference quotes: ‘Fourteen Fundamentals’, Part 1″ at BCC:

I think your driving-the-car metaphor can help us with the meaning of “astray” . . .

God will not let the car be driven into a ditch. He would remove the driver first.

But that doesn’t mean that the prophet can’t drive a longer-than-necessary route, take a detour, or swerve so hard I throw up out the window, etc.

  • jimbob, commenting on Reese Dixon’s post “Sunday Conference” at fMh:

If you were to combine this topic [homosexuality] with whether married Mormon couples were justified in taking welfare from the state while in grad school, you’d really have something. Like whether married, bi-sexual couples who are in grad school and on welfare can change their sexual orientation. I’d suggest that as the next topic.

  • TT, commenting on J. Stapley’s post “By the way, it’s not the end of the world” at BCC:

Don’t you know that people denying the end of the world is a sign that the end of the world is upon us? :)

  • Scott B., commenting on Kristine’s post “Saturday PM General Conference: The Hanging-By-A-Thread Thread!” at BCC:

The Pantheon of Best Fats:

1. Ram Fat
2. Ribeye Steak Fat
3. Brad Kramer Fat

  • Eric S., commenting on Kristine’s post “Sunday AM General Conference: The “No, I Will Not Attend Your Brunch” Thread” at BCC:

My mom just walked by during Packer: “Is he speaking in double entendre?”

  • StillConfused, commenting on Kristine’s post “Sunday AM General Conference: The “No, I Will Not Attend Your Brunch” Thread” at BCC:

Husband says “that is one honking big organ”

  • Aaron B, commenting on Kristine’s post “Sunday PM General Conference: The Ezra Taft Benson Memorial Conference Thread” at BCC:

I’m on a diet, so my words for the session [for playing hear the word, eat a candy] include:

HERMAPHRODITISM
SOTERIOLOGY
TRIPARTITE EXISTENTIALISM
QUEER STUDIES

  • B.Russ, commenting on Kristine’s post “Sunday PM General Conference: The Ezra Taft Benson Memorial Conference Thread” at BCC:

I think its really healthy to put limits on God’s power such as “the holy ghost goes to bed at midnight.” I think He loves it too.

  • Rob, commenting on Kristine’s post “Sunday PM General Conference: The Ezra Taft Benson Memorial Conference Thread” at BCC:

My wife and I love sleepovers. Thus, we’re the proud parents of 8 children.

  • tavitav, commenting on Kristine’s post “Sunday PM General Conference: The Ezra Taft Benson Memorial Conference Thread” at BCC (talking about a fishing analogy used in a talk):

Don’t touch Satan’s fly!! It might become an addiction.

  • Tasha, commenting on Kathryn Soper’s post “A confession” at Segullah:

Today when I got home from school, I ate tortilla chips with salsa con queso. And chocolate syrup straight from the bottle. And I felt no shame.

  • Rebecca, commenting on MoHoHawaii’s post “Younger and Blonder Wives” at Wheat and Tares (on the idea that we’re only as faithful as our options):

As a brunette chick I’m a bit confused about what this means for me. If I’m going to have a mid-life crisis, should I dye my hair blonde? Look for an older guy with a Porsche? Look for a younger blonde guy and buy myself a Porsche? Please advise. ;)

  • Ron, commenting on bbell’s post “The Teachers Quorum Donut Eating Contest” at Mormon Mentality:

I’d rather do Scouting for Food than Scouting for Money. (my pet name for Friends of Scouting)

  • Latter-day Guy, commenting on fMhLisa’s post “13 Articles of Healthy Chastity” at fMh:

[This post] reminded me of the way one of my female friends summed up the overall message of chastity she gleaned from her years in the YW program:

“Sex is dirty and bad and dangerous and gross and low and bestial and wicked… and you should wait to share it with someone you truly love.”

  • Aaron B, commenting on Kevin Barney’s post “Sneak Peek at the New Handbook” at BCC (ostensibly quoting from the new CHI):

I really liked this passage:

“Reading uncorrelated blogs is a sin, ranking somewhere between self-abuse and denying the Holy Ghost. Individual Bishops should seek the promptings of the Spirit and exercise careful discretion in determining appropriate punishment. Bishops are encouraged to solicit the advice of one J. Max Wilson in dealing with particularly probematic cases.”

  • Ardis E. Parshall, commenting on Rebecca J’s post “What would Jesus do (or not do)?” at BCC:

Jesus wouldn’t have burned the oatmeal this morning.

I want to be more like Jesus.

  • Ah Q, commenting on nat kelly’s post “It’s Public! Well, sorta…” at fMh:

OK, so my wife and I are supposed to talk to our bishop before I get a vasectomy? Nuts to that.

  • Jennie, commenting on Heather H.’s post “So, What else do you ‘do’?” at Segullah:

I hate going to a party for my husband’s job or sitting on a plane and having someone ask me the “dreaded question”. . . . So I finally composed/memorized a little intro (you have to be a bit intrepid to do this, but I’m usually in a feisty mood):

“I have six children. It’s the grass-roots way I’ve chosen to change the world. I’m pretty much raising the future leaders of America.”

And then I hand them a business card which I have printed with my name and “Amazing Feats of Domesticity.”

They always say, “wow. Good for you.” In their heads they probably think I’m a psycho. But they keep that to themselves.

  • Sampi J, commenting on fMhLisa’s post “Things I said when I was young (and stupid).” at fMh:

I can still remember where I was walking on the BYU campus many years ago when I thought to myself that maybe my weakness in this life was that I didn’t HAVE any weaknesses, and I was just going to have to learn to be patient with those who did. Thankfully, I had the good sense not to say that out loud to anyone else.

  • allerkins, commenting on fMhLisa’s post “Things I said when I was young (and stupid).” at fMh:

When I was about twelve and just started my period I was so self-righteous and clearly confused about the Second Coming, that I actually thought for a while that I might be chosen to be the virgin mother of Christ for His Second Coming because my period was a few days late or something. Yeah, that is a really weird one, but I really did think that once!!

  • Rune, commenting on fMhLisa’s post “Things I said when I was young (and stupid).” at fMh:

When I was 16 and the world of dating was supposed to open up, I was very disappointed. No dates for me. Stupid boys. So, I considered the possibility that I was being saved to be Jesus’ wife, since he had to fulfill all of the covenants too, right? Boy, am I glad I never said that one out loud.

  • bfred, commenting on fMhLisa’s post “Things I said when I was young (and stupid).” at fMh:

When I was about 9 years old during a football game my mouthpiece had gotten dirt on it, my coach poured some Mountain Dew on it to wash away the dirt. I didn’t know what to do I didn’t want to die of caffeine poisoning as I supposed would surely happen. Ahh the moral dilemmas facing a 9 year old mormon.

  • PapaKrok, commenting on fMhLisa’s post “Things I said when I was young (and stupid).” at fMh:

I was attending Seminary while in my junior year in high school. I was skinny, pimply, had large, thick glasses and was terribly shy. I had been very envious of boy-girl couples and their purported extracurricular activities and had been in quite a funk wondering if I would ever have the experience of love, sex, etc…

The lesson centered on chastity, morality, etc and the institute teacher made the following comment:

“No matter who you are or what you look like, I testify that each of you will find yourself in a position in the near future, in a car, at a party, after dark in a park, where you will be confronted with a decision to commit moral sin, or run from the situation.”

I was soooo relieved that I blurted out “Oh thank God!”

  • salt h20, commenting on hawkgrrrl and jmb275′s post “The CHI Says What?” at Wheat and Tares:

I am grateful for this post . . . I wouldn’t have ever read the CHI myself and I’ve been telling my husband for 5 years to keep his underwear off the floor, now I have proof that I am indeed more righteous than him.

  • Sundee, commenting on ESO’s post “Christmas Partying with the Saints” at Mormon Mentality:

A boy had reached the age at which his mom determined he was old enough to understand about the Easter Bunny. She carefully explained that she and Dad were actually the ones who brought the baskets and hid the eggs for him to find on Easter. Then, realizing that his friends might still believe and not wanting her son to ruin the fun for them, she said, “Oh, but make sure you don’t tell your friends. We should keep the secret until their parents decide to tell them.” To which her son replied, “Believe me, Mom. I am NEVER going to go tell my friends that you think you are the Easter Bunny.”

  • jjohnsen, commenting on bbell’s post “Today I wished all my customers a Merry Christmas” at Mormon Mentality (on holiday greetings):

I prefer Happy Holidays from late November to mid December. Then Merry Christmas the week before, followed by Happy Holidays until January 1st, then Happy New Year for about a week. Then it’s back to the grunt of acknowledgment that I give in reply for eleven months.

There’s a whole method to these things.

  • Orwell, commenting on DKL’s post “The Written Order vs The Unwritten Order” at Mormon Mentality (quoting and responding to another commenter):

“I think it’s quite appropriate and a nice approach to view sacrament meeting as sacred and invoking a priesthood blessing upon the participants and congregation. It would be similar to having a priest say the sacrament prayer.”

This has changed my life.

Since Jesus chose to use a meal — his last supper — as a symbol of our communion with him, I think it would be a nice approach to consider every meal as a representation of the sacrament, the physical nourishment taking the place of the spiritual. In that light, I would consider it highly inappropriate for my wife to “bless” the food because she doesn’t have the priesthood and eating is too much like the sacrament.

In fact, I suppose I’ll have to forbid her from ever praying again because addressing God is another form of communion with him and thus probably too sacred for her priesthood-less self to participate in actively. She’ll just have to give me messages for God and Jesus and I’ll do my best to pass them along with my priesthood-holding awesomeness. (Besides, God’s a married man. I don’t think it would be appropriate for them to be Facebook friends, much less have secret, private conversations — probably about me.)

On second thought, it might be inappropriate for her to address me directly, since 1) I have the same authority as God, so talking to me is just as bad as talking to him, and 2) speaking with the Lord’s anointed who has been placed in authority over her (me) is the beginning of the slippery slope to speaking ill of the Lord’s anointed who has been placed in authority over her. After all, when I have spoken, the thinking has been done. It’s probably just better if I tell her what she needs instead of presuming that she would know or that God would go over my head in the hierarchy to intervene and give her anything without my approval.

  • Michael, commenting on Rusty’s post “What Would You Change About the Ensign?” at Nine Moons:

Unfortunately, Church art has been hijacked by the lackeys at Deseret Book who push Swindle, Parsons, and Dewey on us. The Saviour has been reduced to a feminized baby sitter with every painting containing at least three children and four sheep.

  • gst, commenting on Scott B.’s post “Monday Mid-Day Answering the Allegations Set Before Us Poll” at BCC (responding to a poll about whether BCC had gotten better or worse with time):

I knew this blog before it was formed in the womb, and I set it a part as a blog unto the nations.

  • Brian Duffin, commenting on John C.’s post “God does not particularly care about your civil liberties” at BCC:

I was always scared of naked communists even without reading Skousen. Have you seen a Russian man without clothes on???

  • DeniMarie, commenting on Ashley Dickson’s post “Bemoaning Hormones” at Segullah:

How timely this post was because I was just telling my husband that I’m a hormonal mess right now since I’m weaning. . . .

I serve in the primary and all the songs about the Baby Jesus were making me cry. And it’s Christmas, so ALL the songs are about Baby Jesus. I’m hoping I just came across as really spiritual and not like the hormonal psycho I actually have been this week. Jeepers.

  • Rebecca J, commenting on Kristine’s post “What I Wish I Had Said (II)” at BCC:

I’m sure I was an adult before I decided that I actually like to sing. I sing a lot now, much to my children’s dismay. I sang each and every one of them to sleep as babies, but they can’t stand the sound of me singing now. I’m beginning to think that even as babies they didn’t like my singing and instinctively tried to escape the sound by going unconscious.

  • ESO, commenting on her own post “At the Movies” at Mormon Mentality (on Dr. Seuss):

Osama actually loves the good Dr.–he uses Oh the Places You’ll Go to cap off all the terrorist training sessions.

  • Adam Greenwood, commenting on Nate Oman’s post “Why folks dislike Mormons” at T&S:

My understanding is that bunions are the natural outgrowths of our theology.

  • Justine, commenting on Kellie’s post “The Perfect Present” at Segullah:

I really want some new scripture pencils but no one thinks I’m serious, and I apparently am incapable of getting to the store.

And I’d like to pay off the house. But maybe buying things like scripture pencils keeps getting in the way.

  • sunny, commenting on Kellie’s post “The Perfect Present” at Segullah:

We took our kids on a train ride yesterday. Santa made his way through the train and visited with each child, asking what they wanted. I was seated near a very mature and sweet 5 year old girl. When asked, she replied that all she wanted was for everyone to have a very merry Christmas. I almost fell out of my chair. My ten year old said he wanted blueprints for a grenade launcher. Ah, does a mother’s heart good.

  • John C., commenting on Scott B.’s post “Huh?” at BCC:

I believe that the point of the post is that Kevin [Barney] is allowed to bring his knowledge to bear if he is not the teacher. But what the teacher says is always considered gospel by everybody and if they stray from the approved topics, questions, and words of the manual, then there is the possibility of false doctrine creeping in. In our ward, we’ve solved this problem by replacing teachers with ’80s era boomboxes playing cassettes with the lessons recorded onto them, held aloft by the young men of our ward in an effort to prepare them physically and emotionally for their missions and any subsequent courting necessary.

Of course I’m just one reader, and I’m sure there are many many others that I missed. If you have particular favorites, I’d love to hear them.

18 Responses to “Nacle Notebook 2010: Funny Comments”

  1. 1.

    Wunderbar, as always!

  2. 2.

    My favorite post of the year. Thanks Ziff!

  3. 3.

    Thank you!!

  4. 4.

    I desperately needed this today.

    Thank you, Ziff. You’re the best brother ever.

  5. 5.

    Thank you! Now, back to all that homework that kept me from reading the original blogs.

  6. 6.

    Hilarious! Thanks for the memories.

  7. 7.

    Love it!

  8. 8.

    Thank you, that took a lot of work. My favorite: the jump suit.

  9. 9.

    I needed this—thank you.

  10. 10.

    Ha ha ha!

  11. 11.

    Who needs the Niblets, when we have Ziff’s Funniest Blog Comments? And I finally scored! I feel like I won an Oscar.

  12. 12.

    [...] list of funny comments comes out (including one by me). It’s a double funny post [...]

  13. 13.

    Thanks for your comments. I’m glad you all enjoyed this!

  14. 14.

    As Strongbad would say, way to use your powers for awesome.

    I’m really going to work on making the funny in 2011 since these posts are the only sort of recognition for which I can conceivable qualify.

  15. 15.

    Thanks, Moniker Challenged! And clearly I need to write more posts about my favorite stuff in the bloggernacle, because you are definitely one of my favorite commenters!

  16. 16.

    Love it! Great work as always. Two enthusiastic thumbs up.

  17. 17.

    Ziff, this is fantastic. I need to see your system for keeping track of this stuff. Do you have some massive spreadsheets for it, or just keep it all in your head?

    And I agree, these awards are way cooler than the Niblets. :)

  18. 18.

    [...] in 2012. This is my fifth annual list. Here are links to lists from previous years: 2011 2010 2009 [...]

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