Nacle Notebook 2009: Funny comments

Last year I compiled some of the funniest comments I had seen in my reading of the Bloggernacle in the previous year into a post.  I got a lot of positive comments on the post, so I’ve decided to try it again. Here’s my list of some of the funniest comments I read in the Bloggernacle in 2009. Of course, I’m only one person and I can only read so much of the Bloggernacle, so I’m sure I missed a lot of good stuff. If you’re so inclined, please feel free to share other funny comments from 2009 in the comments.

  • MCQ, commenting on Rusty’s post “Super Bowl Sabbathday” at Nine Moons:

Personally, if I wasn’t Mormon, I would be a member of the Church of Football. And it would be the one true church on the face of the earth. In the name of Vince Lombardi, amen.

  • MikeInWeHo, commenting on Natalie B.’s post “Are conversations about feminism and heterosexual marriage now harder to have?” at BCC:

I think we can safely put aside worries that the human population will collapse unless we persecute the gays. If homosexuality really reduced the birth rate, China would have replaced Mao with Cher years ago.

  • Arthur, commenting on Ray’s post “Modern-Day Swearing: Will Our Bastardized Words Damn Us to Hell?” at Mormon Matters:

I grew up in a Mormon home in a tiny Kentucky town, and I was one of the very few Mormons. I just didn’t swear because that was a part of our religion. We don’t drink, we don’t smoke, we don’t swear. . . .

Then I went to BYU-Idaho and I heard people there swearing all the time. I was like, “Seriously? We can do that? What else can we do that I’ve been missing out on my whole life? Can we smoke pot or something?”

  • MAC, commenting on Jeff Bennion’s post “Items I have Smuggled Into a Movie Theatre” at Mormon Mentality:

When I used to go the the movies in Korea, there was a 2 minute short before each film explaining why you shouldn’t smuggle dried squid into the movie theater. It included little cartoon clouds of bad breath and nasty glares from your neighbors.

  • DKL, commenting on Orwell’s post “Promoting Faith vs. Comedy” (on the Church’s “Brand New Year” videos) at Mormon Mentality:

What I want to know is whether those boys rapping about the gospel were allowed to pass the sacrament the following Sunday. Personally, I think that kid who was breakdancing for the restoration should be subject to church discipline for conduct unbecoming a member. Seriously, how is it that you can write excellent historical scholarship and get ex’d, but you can breakdance for Jesus with no consequences whatever?!?!?

  • Em, commenting on fMhLisa’s poll “Now that Manuary is totally over! A Poll (No boys allowed)” at fMh:

I grew breasts in the fourth grade, and only recently have I learned to love them, but I don’t think they love me; I swear they try to strangle me in my sleep if I lie on my back, and if I run anywhere I am sure I risk a black eye or two.

  • Ann, commenting on Rebecca J’s post “Virtue, Part One & a Half: I’m busy today and don’t have a lot of time” at BCC:

I’m wondering what a “chastity” value experience would look like.

1. Sit wearing a dress for an hour and fifteen minutes while holding a dime between your knees. Do not drop the dime.

2. Using a department store manniquin, demonstrate kneeing an aggressive boy in the groin.

  • gst, suggesting how American missionaries abroad could transition from people’s comments on President Obama to a gospel discussion, in a comment on Wilfried Decoo’s post “President Obama and missionary work” at T&S:

“Thanks for sharing your enthusiastic opinion about President Obama. My own view is somewhat different: I suspect that within a year he will have set up a system of reeducation camps for his political opponents, and that his death squads will operate with impunity, much like the death squads that are active here in your country. Speaking of which, have you had any of your family members killed by political death squads, and have you wondered how you might be able to be reunited with them as a family for eternity?”

  • a random John, discussing discouragement as the devil’s favorite tool, in a comment on Orwell’s post “Doctrinal Commentary on Especially for Mormons #1: ‘The Wedge of Discouragement'” at Mormon Mentality:

I wonder if the Devil’s tools are physical property or intellectual property. Because if they are simple digital files he could sell perfect copies, keep the originals (or a copy for that matter) and he wouldn’t be out anything. More interestingly, somebody could pirate it. I wonder if I can find a free discouragement on a BitTorrent site.

  • Lorian, responding to Ray, who said he’d never been able to pump a gallon or even a pint, in a comment on Quimby’s post “Breastfeeding Redux” at fMh:

Try harder, Ray. Positive thinking and the sadistically routine application of a good double hospital pump. You can DO it!!! 😆 You might try shaving, so you can get a tighter suction from the pump.

  • BrianJ, discussing a Mexican restaurant’s sign advertising to visitors on the new temple in Draper, Utah, in a comment on a random John’s post “Temple Dedication Advertising: Yay or Nay?” at Mormon Mentality:

I think this simple sign is just an indication of how little they think of us—they think that they can woo Mormons with this half-hearted effort. I would like to see them try harder, really delve into the Mormon psyche. For example, they could have sculpted an angel Moroni holding, instead of a trumpet, a large burrito up to his mouth.

  • meems, commenting on Ronan’s post “Teh Nacle of the Bloggers” at BCC:

This place [the Bloggernacle] is the NaCl of the Earth! (for all you chem geeks out there… I’ve just been waiting so long to say that.)

  • Steven P:, discussing youth activities in which you “die” and get sent to one kingdom or another, in a comment on Norbert’s post “Youth fireside or false hyptonic memory?” (on youth activities in which you “die” and get sent to one kingdom or another) at BCC:

I experienced the “Carnival of Life” in Berlin in 1977 for a YA conference for the serviceman Stake. I was taken by surprise when they pulled me out of the fun carnival where we were earning tickets for things or gambling them away on various games. I made it to the celestial kingdom where we got to take our shoes off. The other kingdoms had to leave them on. I’ve never been bad since. Imagine going to a place you could not take your shoes off. If that doesn’t scare you into goodness nothing will.

  • Phoenix, commenting on Rebecca’s post “Thoughts and Questions During Sunday School” at fMh:

So I should stop reading FMH before bed. After reading this thread, last night I had a dream about needing to use the priesthood to perform an exorcism. There was a brief discussion amongst my friends about what would be an acceptable way to use it and/or if I had sufficient authority. Then I threw up my arms in the sign of the cross and shouted “the power of Christ compels you” over and over. That did the trick. =)

  • DKL, commenting on Cynthia L.’s post “Pride in Our Husbands’ Callings” at BCC:

I wonder if Jesus takes pride in his calling of Atoner in Chief.

  • Scott B, commenting on his own post “An Incoherent Analysis of Ward Activities” at BCC:

in my current ward . . . we try to keep all the activities “unofficial” so that no one feels obligated to go…thus only people with an actual interest show up. Activities thus far include fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, chases, escapes, true love, and miracles.

  • A concerned brother, commenting on Kiskilili’s post “If a Woman Strips Naked in a Forest and No One Sees Her, Is She Still Pornography?” at ZD:

To the editor of the Daily Universe:

I would be remiss if I did not take this opportunity to address the young lady who slipped on the ice and fell on the steps in front of the WIlkinson Center yesterday morning.

As you sprawled out on the concrete, dazed from the impact, with your dress up around your hips, lips slightly parted, legs akimbo, and hair tousled, did you even stop to think what unwelcome thoughts you caused to enter the minds of the men who saw you? Many of them are preparing for missions and temple marriage, but because you were in too much of a hurry to watch where you were putting your feet, they were forced to look at England and France. I daresay that David did not see as much of Bathsheba as you willing displayed to all and sundry.

You may claim that your fall was accidental. Oh Kontrare. Everybody else managed to stay on their feet. Your carelessness causes you to lose sight of who the real victim here is, and that is yrs. truly. If you think there is a chance you might fall, why don’t you wear a pair of sweat pants or nice capris under your dress, just in case? I know, I know, the World might not think that is fashionable, but since when do we here at the ‘Y’ care what the World thinks? We are proud to have a style of our own. A little preparation and care on your part would make the brethren around you feel ever so much more at ease. Priesthood holders do not like to have to walk around campus wondering when they will be assaulted by the sight of a woman doing a pratfall.

As you fell, I was sorely tempted by the adversary to walk over and help you get up. But then I realized how wrong it would be for me to put my hands — hands which partook of the sacrament on the Sabbath — on a woman who is not my eternal companion. Even worse, if I had put my hand on your back to help you up, I might have brushed against your bra strap, accidentally of course. Even worse, what if I had lost my balance as I was helping you and fallen down next to you, or even on top of you? No, I am glad that I escaped all those snares, and passed by on the other side.

Your body might be sore for a few days, but it will recover. But the image you forced upon all the men around you has been stored in the memory banks of the wonderful computer we call a brain, subject to instant recall. It is just like pornography.

How do you think your future eternal companion will feel if he ever finds out how many other men have seen your underwear? I hope you feel very cheap, then maybe you will take stock of your life and repent.

If you feel that I have spoken harshly, please know that I am doing it in a spirit of love. I am concerned about you.


A concerned brother

  • DKL, commenting on ESO’s post “Keeping their eyes closed” at Mormon Mentality:

Of course, the biggest advantage of nudity is that it cuts down on laundry. So with me, I guess I could say that my aversion to laundry is far outweighed by my aversion to everybody looking at my goodies. Some people enjoy the best of both worlds, and they neither go naked nor do their laundry. Since I’m not one of them, there are probably a few other aversions at work. But you get the idea.

  • Cynthia L., commenting on Scott B.’s post “Hypothetical Negotiations for Spiritual Gifts” at BCC:

I am now imagining Scott B and Steve Evans on a fog-machine mist-covered soundstage singing a duet about how they promise to find each other and continue their attorney-client relationship on Earth. sniff. So touching!

  • Kent Larsen, commenting on Frank McIntyre’s post “April Fool’s at the Newsroom” (asking for suggestions as to what an April Fool’s joke at the LDS Newsroom site might look like) at T&S:

The LDS Church announced today that Pres. Thomas S. Monson is starting a blog. The as-yet-unnamed daily blog, which will be written with the assistance of a carefully-chosen group of returned missionaries, will include the Prophet’s reactions to current news and events.In an unusual move, the blog will allow comments from members who sign in using their LDSAccount IDs, and those comments will be forwarded to the member’s Stake President and Bishop for any response needed.

  • Latter-day Guy, commenting on a Conference speaker quoting a story but sounding like he was telling it about himself, in discussion on the “Saturday Afternoon General Conference” post at BCC:

That’s technically referred to as the “Paul H. Dunn Style” of public speaking.

  • Bridget Jack Meyers, commenting on Cynthia L.’s post “Conflict over Baby Names” at BCC:

See, I’m perfectly fine with announcing my baby name plans as soon as I’ve settled on them because if anyone criticizes my choice, I say (with a perfectly straight face), “Well, if you don’t like my choice of name, you should probably go get laid, have your own kids and name them whatever the hell you want.”

That line does wonders for shutting people up, especially if the person who’s criticizing you is a prude about sex.

  • mraynes, commenting on Jessawhy’s post “Coming Out of the Feminist Closet” at the Exponent:

I actually think that the ritual of having a new deacon stand with his father and brothers and pass the Sacrament together is exceptionally beautiful. . . .

What saddens me . . . is that there is nothing comparable for my daughter. Motherhood is set up as the equivalent to male priesthood but It is not as if my daughter and I can give birth lying next to each other when she turns twelve (at least I hope not!).

  • Janet, on in vitro fertilization, in a comment on fMhLisa’s post “Baby Hungry” at fMh:

It is hilarious to think we weren’t there when our potentials kiddos became such–it’s like a fun-free technological threesome with some dude in a lab coat.

  • reese, commenting on fMhLisa’s post “Caught in the Act” at fMh:

My mother in law has a total radar for whenever I happen to be defiling her baby boy. . . . When Bear got a big fancy job we snuck off for some time together, MIL comes knocking on the door and when she heard frantic rustling she goes, “Oh. Sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt your celebratory…….celebrations.”

That has now become our code word. “You feel like some celebratory celebrations tonight?”

  • Owen, continuing a discussion of whether James Madison would have liked things President Obama has done, in a comment on Christopher’s post “Glenn Beck and the Revival of Mormon Millenarianism?” at the Juvenile Instructor:

I just asked my white salamander what Madison thinks of what is going on in the world right now and he told me to put all of my money in cricket futures.

  • Cowboy, commenting on Hawkgrrrl’s post “Botched Hymns” at Mormon Matters:

I always like it when the kids sing at the top of their lungs, “SCRIPTURE POWDER, keeps me safe from sin, SCRIPTURE POWDER, is the powder to win”. I just wish the song explained whether you take this winning powder before or after your workout, on a full or empty stomach, and with or without creatine.

  • Jessawhy, commenting on her own post “Naturally” at the Exponent:

I don’t care if the floor is clean, and if I spend time cleaning it, it will get messy again in 5 seconds, and I will have missed a half hour of blogging.

  • Mark Brown, offering an example of a nightmare Mother’s Day letter, in a comment on ESO’s post “Mother’s Day Funnies” at Mormon Mentality:

Dear, dear sweet sister X,

On a day when we honor righteous mothers in Israel, it is understandable that you might feel a little left out. Not because of the righteous part, just the mother part. How you must long for the day when a righteous priesthood holder will choose you to adorn the home over which he presides and raise up to him a large and righteous posterity. As you know, when you die you will get that chance. I admonish you to remain worthy of the very best man available, like, well, like me, for instance. In the next life, I’m certain you will sustain me as your head, even as your sister wives will. I have my eye on you now, oh yes I do.

Keep sweet,

Brother Y

  • DKL, commenting on ESO’s post “The M.R.S. Degree” at Mormon Mentality:

When He restores global peace, our Redeemer will put millions of workers in war-related industries out on the streets. Do you really think it’s a good idea to pursue a career whose long-term success hinges on Jesus’ continued absence?

  • Shelah, commenting on her own post “Selfish Mama” at fMh:

when my current 4yo was a baby, I went through a period where I wrote a bunch of very serious, very bad poetry. The only poem I wrote during that whole period of time that I think has timeless appeal was one that came to me (you guessed it) in the bathroom. It’s much lighter and shorter than the rest, so I’ll share it with you:

You just want to take a crap

Someone sitting on your lap.

That’s when my kids were 4, 2, and 0 and I thought I’d never pee with the door closed again.

  • Scott B., discussing disciplining kids at church, in a comment on ESO’s post “Sacrament Smackdown” at Mormon Mentality:

I have more success with the “Slap first, ask questions later” method. Jack Bauer is my mentor and guide.

  • KLC, discussing Boyd K. Packer’s view that funerals are for preaching the gospel and not talking about the deceased, in a comment on Hawkgrrrl’s post “Taking the Fun Out of Funerals” at Mormon Matters:

I’ve enjoyed BKP over my life and his tenure as a GA but on this issue I disagree vehemently. A funeral is not a meeting, a funeral is not a missionary opportunity where the guy in the box is just a really great visual aid.

  • Kevin Barney, commenting on Kyle M’s post “Did John the Revelator See My iPhone?” at BCC:

If I had an iPhone, I would only use it while it was in the bottom of my hat. I’m old skool that way.

  • DKL, commenting on Orwell’s post “The Ten Foolish Virgins Go to Sacrament Meeting” (on a ward where the partition at the back of the chapel was intentionally locked so the only overflow seating was in the foyer) at Mormon Mentality:

If Jesus went to that ward, He’d walk right into the chapel and vaporize the overflow partition by shooting energy blasts out of His eyeballs, and then He’d head straight to the front of the chapel and choke the bishopric — not unto death, mind you, but just enough to rattle them a little. And after that, He’d apologize to everyone for their troubles and cancel the remainder of the meetings for the day. Now that’s the power of God.

  • Keryn, commenting on Russell Arben Fox’s post “Tell Me the Ugly Beautiful Truth about Girls Camp” at BCC:

My sister’s Catholic friend came to camp with us one year. She had a very bad attack of food poisoning late one night–the nurse thought it was appendicitis. Before they hurried down the mountain into Cedar City, they offered her a priesthood blessing. She looked at them, scared to death: “Is that like Last Rites?”

  • Tiffany, commenting on Carina’s post “Hot Cinnamon Lips” at Segullah:

I remember a leader telling us the age old, “The Holy Ghost goes to bed at midnight” and then following it up with, “And do you know who comes out?”

Satan? we replied

“No”, she said, “Angel Hormoni”

  • Andrea, commenting on SteveP’s post “Why Olive Oil?” (on why priesthood blessings require olive oil versus some other kind) at BCC:

It only works with olive oil because of its viscosity. If you try to use SAE 30, the viscosity is too low and the Holy Ghost’s power dissipates too quickly.

  • Quimby, commenting on Moniker Challenged’s post “Dress Your Family in Breastplates and Shinguards?” at fMh:

Seems people get to a certain age and suddenly think that teenagers are hideous freaks of nature and that, when they were teens, they were so polite and well-mannered they not only got up to give their seat to the old woman living down the lane, they also sheered her sheep and spun her wool and knitted her a sweater.

  • Ardis Parshall, commenting on Julie M. Smith’s post “The Accidental Environmentalist” at T&S:

Speaking of the Second Coming, I have a complaint about the way the church teaches us to love each other, care for our families, exercise charity, and all that. I learned in Gospel Doctrine that before the Second Coming, the love of many will wax cold, and there will be wars and rumors of wars, and all manner of trials and tribulations.Church teachings interfere with the Second Coming!! Since we know all these terrible things must happen first, why are we preaching love and peace? If anybody listens, that will only HINDER the, uh, coming of the Second Coming. Don’t you know that in the Second Coming, all things will be restored to their proper order? Why shouldn’t we hasten that day by enjoying a little bloodshed — no, a LOT of bloodshed — we KNOW that’s the fate of this world anyway.

I think that elders quorums should engage in mass murder, and Relief Societies could drown babies. The YM and YW are usually pretty creative and could probably help hasten the collapse of society, if we’d just stop teaching them chastity and kindness.

What do you say, folks? Are you with me?

  • Moniker Challenged, commenting on mfranti’s post “Getting to know you, or Welcome to fMh, please sign in” at fMh:

Did God make me this way or did I choose to be evil at some point? Why don’t I remember selling my soul to Satan? Would that transaction be listed under checking or savings?

  • BrianJ, commenting on Geoff J.’s post “Some Advice on Foreclosures” at New Cool Thang:

The earlier comparison of mortgages to covenants got me wondering: Wouldn’t it be weird to get a notice from Jesus that he had auctioned off your atonement to another god? “Your salvation will now be handled by….” (Not that I want this to happen to me, but if it ever did, I’d hope the new agency offered free online worshiping.)

Here’s my all-time top ten recommended sins list:

1) Fornication
2) Grinding upon the faces of the poor
3) Loud laughter
4) Devouring meat with the blood still in
5) Threesomes
6) Genocide
7) Drilling holes in hotel rooms to secretly videotape people changing clothes
8 ) Not tithing the food you grow in your garden
9) Wearing cotton-poly blends
10) Commenting at BCC

  • Dawn, commenting on Quimby’s post “Real-life one-liners” at fMh:

My cousin’s daughter was a Sunbeam and they were talking about being like Jesus. She adamantly stated: I don’t want to be like Jesus. I want to be like my mom. She has boobs.

  • Jacob J, commenting on CJ Douglass’s post “‘Why Don’t I See Any Crosses?’: 5 Good Answers, 5 Bad” at Nine Moons:

if we are going to say we don’t emphasize the dying Christ, we need to stop drinking his blood every week after singing about his death.

  • Martin, commenting on Scott B.’s post “Time To Confess The Worst Things You’ve Ever Done” at BCC:

In 9th grade biology, my friend sat directly in front of me, in the front row of the class. Our desks and our chairs were a single unit with four metal legs. I habitually rested my feet on the back legs of my friend’s desk, which bugged him a bit because the desks would sometimes slide a little on the smooth concrete lab floor.

One day, in my boredom, discovered that by placing one foot behind one leg and the other in front of the other, and pushing the one and pulling the other, I could quickly and noiselessly rotate my friend’s desk, even as much as 30 degrees.

Amused with my discovery, I waited until the teacher’s back was turned and then turned my friend’s desk to one side. Surprised, he quickly tried to rotate it back before the teacher turned back around. This was harder for him to do, and to get the leverage, he had to reach over and grab the far corners of his desk.

Thrilled, I started turning him to one side each time the teacher turned away, and he would try to turn back before getting into trouble. The teacher caught movement in the corner of his eye, but couldn’t figure out what was going on.

Unable to contain myself, I started flipping him from side-to-side as fast as I could. My friend, flummoxed and helpless grabbed the corners of his desk and tried to stop me, but I had the superior leverage, and when the teacher spun around, it made him look like he was intentionally flopping his desk around, riding it like a bucking bronco. I, on the other hand, simply looked like I was sitting there laughing so hard at his antics tears were streaming down the side of my face. “Detention!” he yelled at my friend, and then to me, “and you, quit encouraging him!”

  • Numi, commenting on Scott B.’s post “Time To Confess The Worst Things You’ve Ever Done” at BCC:

I confess to playing inappropriate preludes when serving as Ward Organist many years ago. Although it was the easiest calling I ever had it was also the most boring. Challenges were issued by family members to insert snippets from movie themes into prelude music. (No one ever commented so maybe confession is not really necessary.)

Sorry, 41st Ward, but you never listened anyway. On the other hand, the music from Close Encounters of the Third Kind was really fun to play.

  • hero, commenting on Shelah’s post “Let’s talk about sex, baby” at fMh:

when son #1 was about two, he was taking a bath with his older sister (as usual) and she didn’t have any of the same equipment, so he explored a little and then came out to the living room dripping, a scared look on his face. “Mom, I have a thing–little round things–behind my penis. Am I ok?”

I knew my granola mom answer and smiled and said enthusiastically, “Heck yes! Those are your testicles, and they are awesome! They are part of your boy anatomy–they make you into a man when you grow up, and the best part is, if you get married and want to have a baby, the testicles is where YOUR part of the baby comes from!”

I was so proud of myself. And his face got all sweet and his eyes teared up just a little and he said in reverence and awe, “I’m gonna have TWINS!”

  • Starfoxy, commenting on Shelah’s post “Let’s talk about sex, baby” at fMh:

In a conversation about Georgia O’keefe someone kept referring to the vulva as the “you-know-what.”

So I responded, “what? Vulvamort?”

  • Allie, commenting on Shelah’s post “Look me in the eyes, not the belly” at fMh:

I have this friend who just got so tired of people, even strangers, thinking that they could just touch her pregnant belly without asking. So what she ended up doing was reaching out and touching their bellies every time it happened. The person would then recoil and my friend would say, “Oh, sorry. Are we not doing that?” Hilarious.

  • Andrew Ainsworth, commenting on his own post “Homework Assignment for this Sunday’s Testimony Meeting” at Mormon Matters:

One Sunday there was one of those uncomfortable lulls in the testimony meeting where nobody was getting up. I looked across the aisle at an old friend who has never been baptized, but who attends every Sunday (his wife is a member). As I looked at him, I motioned up toward the podium with a sideways nod of my head, so as to suggest that he go up and bare his testimony. At the time, he had his cheek resting in the palm of his hand, and in response to my invitation for him to take the podium, he slowly cranked up the middle finger of the hand in which his cheek was resting. As I silently laughed, he whispered across the aisle to me: “Hey, write THAT down on your notecard!”

  • DKL, commenting on Devyn S.’s post “Good Hymns & Bad Hymns” at Mormon Mentality:

When I hear the song “Who’s on the Lord’s Side?” I imagine that we have an old schoolmarm for a chorister, and that she’s bent over, peering at the congregation over her reading glasses and pointing vigorously at people like me, who she doesn’t seem to think is on the Lord’s side.

  • Scott B., commenting on the possibility that giving to panhandlers is bad because the money will likely be spent on “alcohol, cigarettes, or illegal drugs,” in a comment on Kathryn Lynard Soper’s post “Thou hypocrite” at BCC:

This is why I always hand my cash over with a laminated (street dwellers can be so filthy!) list of the legal drugs I will condone their purchase of. Robitussin, Vicodin, and Flintstones Kids are the top 3.

  • jimbob, responding to the statement “If you only want ‘net’ blessings, pay on the net. However, if you want GROSS blessings, by all means, pay on the gross.” in a comment on Brian Duffin’s post “Random Mormon Poll #11: Net or Gross?” at the Millennial Star:

What are “GROSS” blessings, exactly? Is that like when you get a brand new car for free, but it perpetually smells like someone farted in it? Do the windows of heaven open up and dump green slime?

  • Brian Duffin, answering the question of whether time is eternal in a comment on Scott B.’s post “Friday Morning Theological Poll: Temple Seaings” at BCC:

time is actually a sinister and unconstitutional government program instituted during the Bush years. Bush colluded with Big Time to monopolize and control everyone’s schedules. I heard a rumor that Condi Rice actually waterboarded a Seiko watch that would not cooperate.

  • Ahhh…, commenting on fMhLisa’s post “Archive Sunday: My Perfect Church” at fMh:

When I was on the ultrasound table, pregnant for the third time, and I found out my baby would be a boy, I said to his tiny little self, “I love you so much, I’ll do anything for you, even … Cub Scouts.”

  • fMhLisa, commenting on her own post “Duh, why didn’t anyone tell me that?” at fMh:

My baby is five and I still get that let-down feeling quite frequently, especially if I see or hear a really tiny baby. No milk but the boobs get all heavy and tingly and I get the sudden urge to pull up my shirt and expose myself.

  • Bridget Jack Meyers, responding to another commenter who was disappointed that Jacob J said he would rather not be in the room when his wife was giving birth, in a comment on fMhLisa’s post “Duh, why didn’t anyone tell me that?” at fMh:

I’m not offended by Jacob J.’s comment.

I wouldn’t have been in the room for the birth if I didn’t have to be.

  • Rebecca J, discussing children being noisy in sacrament meeting in a comment on Natalie B.’s post “Cry baby” at BCC:

“Who sinned, this child or his parents, that he should be so ornery in sacrament meeting?”

  • Rebecca J, commenting on her own post “What I got out of the Relief Society broadcast” at BCC:

I was just telling folks this morning that we should now refer to formerly-Enrichment meetings as the Meetings That Shall Not Be Named and the leader in charge of coordinating those meetings She Who Shall Not Be Named.

  • Mary Magdalene, commenting on Not Ophelia’s post “Archive Sunday: Insanity” at fMh:

I’ll wear panty hose over my garments when the Priesthood wears panty hose over their garments. Shouldn’t be long after that for the Great Panty Hose Debate to be silenced.

  • Adam Greenwood, commenting on Julie M. Smith’s post “A Lesson in Sarcasm” at T&S:

anyone who has been blessed with a roomful of recalcitrant teenagers has surely felt like urging the Lord to just hurry up and damn them already.

  • Jacob J, commenting on Matt W.’s post “A Review of LDS teachings regarding a Heavenly Mother” at New Cool Thang:

Reading through these statements is interesting. Most of the things said strike me as entirely made up. It seems we feel free to say whatever we want about Heavenly Mother as long as it is something good.

  • gst, commenting on Kylie Turley’s post “Tattle” at T&S:

Here’s my list of neighbor behavior that must be reported to the bishop out of concern for your neighbor’s spiritual safety:

Sunday shopping
Oakland Raiders boosterism
Pool pump too loud
Neighbor digging pit for you
All violations of HOA bylaws
Loud music with inappropriate lyrics after 9:30 p.m.
Any loud music after 10:00 p.m.
Watching TV shows with smoking with curtains open
Suggestive garden figurines (e.g.

  • Scott B., commenting on Steve Evans’s post “What I’d like for General Conference” this year at BCC:


President Monson will talk about birds
President Uchtdorf will talk about planes
President Eyring will talk about supermen

  • Katie, commenting on Scott B.’s post “Saturday Morning General Conference: Bigger, Faster, Stronger” at BCC:

Pinkish-purple shirt
on President Uchtdorf is
a Tender Mercy

  • xenologue, commenting on Scott B.’s post “Sunday Morning General Conference: One Session to Rule Them All” at BCC:

A friend and I used to sing:

Have I played any tricks in the ward today
Have I done a mischievous deed?
Have I done something bad
And made someone get mad
If not I have failed indeed

Has anyone’s life been made harder today
Because I had nothing to do?
If you thought it was funny, then don’t laugh too loud
Cuz next time the joke is on you…

(we never quite worked out the chorus, but it started out “So wake up, and don’t turn your back, there’s no telling what I might do…”)

  • gst, adding to a discussion of the Mayan long count calendar resetting in 2010, in a comment on Kevin Barney’s post “2012” at BCC:

By the way, if you’re ever in a boxing match against a Mayan, and there’s a home town ref, beware the Mayan Long Count.

  • Michael, speculating on how the Church would change if human lifespans were extended dramatically, in a comment on RJH’s post “Thought for the week” at BCC:

The High Priests group will be huge, and the room where they meet will smell really bad. Fast & Testimony meeting will have to be extended to nine hours just to give enough time to all the old folks who want to get up and each will take forty minutes to tell us all about what all their children are doing, what their grandchildren are doing, what the great-grandchildren are doing, and how the great-great-grandchildren just got accepted to BYU-Nauvoo, and that they will certainly be gettting married soon, and that the high priest in question is certainly taking great joy in their posterity. Add another five minutes to cover how the surgeon said she was guided by the hand of God during the eighth hip replacement. Great debates will take place on whether tithing should be 10% of gross or net, and the First Presidency will finally have to come out and state for the record that it’s net, since FICA taxes now comprise 92% of wages and you can’t pay 10% when over 90% is taken out before you get the check. Youth will leave the church entirely at the age of 12, because they will be doing yard work service projects for the widows averaging 60 hours per week, and that doesn’t leave time for school or homework. Wards will be forced to have activities six nights a week to handle all the depressed elderly couples who can’t stand the sight of each other after one-hundred-and-forty years of marriage. Divorces will skyrocket. Federal legislation will be passed limiting the number of missions a senior couple is allowed to serve, because the United States population now has a ratio of 4.2 houses for every senior missionary couple, and tracting becomes more obnoxious when the same folks knock on your door for the ninth time that day to see if you’ve finished reading the Book of Mormon, and are you ready to be baptized yet? As a result, the Church will fill the whole earth, because people will learn that resistance is futile. Thus prophecy will be fulfilled, and the work will be done.

  • Michael, commenting on Kevin Barney’s post “Creativity in Missionary Work” at BCC:

In inner-city Baltimore, my trainer and I tried to think of what the Relief Society would do for our investigators if we were in a more established ward. So, one prep day, we made a dozen loaves of bread and took them around to all of our investigators.

We never saw a single one of them again.

  • annegb, commenting on ESO’s post “Conferencing” at Mormon Mentality:

I know I want a loud choir to sing “Oh Happy Day” at my funeral. Probably have to have it in the Baptist church.

  • gst, commenting on Kevin Barney’s post “Celebrating Halloween” at BCC:

My kids are going as Lilburn Boggs, Jon Krakauer, and a cup of coffee.

  • MikeInWeHo, on trunk or treats, in a comment on Kevin Barney’s post “Celebrating Halloween” at BCC:

And they still call it this in the U.K, Ronan? You guys should call it Boot-n-Booty instead. 🙂

  • Ryan, suggesting a response to someone who says Christians shouldn’t celebrate Halloween, in a comment on Kevin Barney’s post “Celebrating Halloween” at BCC:

“Well, I don’t know why you choose to search for the face of Satan wherever you can, but as for me and my house, we believe the prophets when they say that all things typify Christ. Why, my son is dressing as a zombie so that when his mother and I raid his Halloween candy over the next few weeks, we will be reminded of the sweet gift of the resurrection.”

  • jimbob, commenting on Kevin Barney’s post “Emotional Infidelity” at BCC:

My advice for marital fidelity? Never shower during the work week. Also, lose your inhibitions as to gassy foods. These tips, and a few others, have made me virtually untouchable to women in the office. Of course, it’s made me virtually untouchable at home too, but some sacrifices need to be made.

  • Moonbeam, commenting on the Oklahoma law that required women who got an abortion to sign up on a registry, in a comment on mfranti’s post “Shamed into Repentance?” at fMh:

I want every single man who buys Viagra in OK to have to post their information on a website, stating why they need the drug and why they no longer are able to achieve erections. I want them to have to list how old they are and where they live, not for identification purposes, of course, but for statistical purposes.

  • reader Rachel, commenting on Shelah’s post “Indoctrinating my babies: Songs and Gender Roles” at fMh:

In sharing time Sunday, the 1st counselor was teaching about gender roles as outlined in the Proclamation. When she agreed with one child, that yes, mothers give birth, my son added, yeah, but dads give sperm.

  • jimbob, commenting on what kind of note he would leave if he knew he were going to die soon, in a comment on Steve Evans’s post “Leaving a note” at BCC:

I think I’d try to play with my kids heads a little. “Daddy’s watching you from heaven now, so don’t cheat on any tests, or I’ll tell God.” You know, that sort of thing.

  • Stephanie, commenting on Rebecca J’s post “What do you do when your child misbehaves in church?” at BCC:

Um, is it so awful to admit that sometimes I would like someone else to spank my kid? It would probably scare the hell out of them and save me hours of patient positive parenting.

  • Antonio Parr, commenting on Rebecca J’s post “What do you do when your child misbehaves in church?” at BCC:

I tried (unsuccessfully) to convince my wife that if our youngest acts up, then I should just take her home, thus teaching her that there are consequences for our action.

This happened once, and my wife came home early to catch said child in front of the television, and me reading the New York Times Sunday edition looking too content for my own good.

Ever since then, I have been limited to brief walks in the foyer . . .

  • Peter LLC, commenting on Shelah’s post “What does your car say about you?” at fMh:

My brother drives my Jeep.
It says that I am kind and generous even to a creep.
My bus pass says that I care about my planet too.
And my bike says that I am in better shape than you.

  • annegb, commenting on Orwell’s post “Doctrinal Commentary on Especially for Mormons #4: ‘Discerning Between the Spirit and Satan'” at Mormon Mentality:

Of all the people I avoid, members of my own family are the ones I avoid the most. I avoid myself as much as possible.

  • numi, commenting on fMhLisa’s post “Cooking with a one-handed Genius (that would be me)” at fMh:

I wear a small scar on my left hand from heating a jar of hot fudge in the microwave. When I put a spoon in the heated fudge it exploded onto my hand, nice and sticky. Luckily it didn’t start really hurting until after I had finished the ice cream.

  • Thomas Parkin, commenting on Natalie B.’s post “What is your ward doing about swine flu?” at BCC:

First we killed all the pigs within ward boundaries, and now we’ve sold our homes and are moving to Western Missouri. I had a garage sale and now all my earthly possessions, not counting my computer, fit on the back of my burro. It might seem extreme to you, but we believe that God speaks to our bishop concerning the needs and wants of the members of the ward. That is a part of his heavy burden.

  • Kim Siever, commenting on Natalie B.’s post “What is your ward doing about swine flu?” at BCC:

We’re fist bumping instead of hand shaking.

  • Karen, commenting on Reese Dixon’s post “My first embarrassing Mommy moment” at fMh:

In an instant my two year old dropped his pants, hopped on the demo potty at Home Depot and dumped. DH was left to explain while I praised son and took him to the checkout to buy a treat.

  • Kristine, commenting on her own post “Thanks, Gimme, Oops, Wow–A Guide for Prayer” at BCC:

My question is whether it might be good to focus more on the kind of praise that is not tied to gratitude. For instance, my son once said in a prayer “Dinosaurs are really cool, Heavenly Father.” Not so much in a “thanks for making dinosaurs for my enjoyment,” kind of way, but more just “nice job with the dinosaurs.”

  • Cross, commenting on fMhLisa’s post “Oh Shut up already.” at fMh:

The next time there’s another round of JS Testimonies in Sunday school and they ask for yours, just say, “I like the fact that he gave the Priesthood to women and black people.” See what happens.

  • Lisa D, commenting on fMhLisa’s post “Tattletale” at fMh:

My sister is famous for an instance when she ran into the room wailing “Mom, Kate’s telling on me!”

  • MCQ, responding to the suggestion that Mormons at the U of U “may even appreciate that a gentile is being nasty to BYU so that they don’t have to sin themselves,” in a comment on Geoff J.’s post “BYU 26 Utah 23 (OT)” at New Cool Thang:

You’ve discovered our secret, damn you Lurker! I have “gentiles” at the U do all my sinning for me. They commit all manner of crimes and misdemeanors on my behalf so that I can keep my hands clean. I have them drink, carouse, chase women and I’m working up to some really big stuff! It’s a great deal that we Mormon Utes get when we pay our tuition at the U: a lifetime of vicarious thrills. Just another reason why you BYU grads picked the wrong school.

  • a random John, commenting on Geoff J.’s post “BYU 26 Utah 23 (OT)” at New Cool Thang:

On Super Bowl Sunday of this year we were sitting in the chapel for sacrament meeting (a minor miracle) and as the closing prayer ended and the organist began to play the power went out. My then 5-year old son stood on his seat and yelled out, “What the…” at the top of his lungs and for what seemed like an eternity I prayed that he would say “heck” because really, he could have said anything depending on how closely he listens to what I say.

As the eternity began to take a really long time I realized that he was in fact done yelling and hadn’t finished his exclamation! A Super Bowl Sunday miracle! Then they canceled the rest of church and we all went home.

  • Jacob J, commenting on Geoff J.’s post “BYU 26 Utah 23 (OT)” at New Cool Thang:

Who among us hasn’t dropped an f-bomb or two on national television. I won’t be throwing the first stone on this one.

  • Lianne, commenting on fMhLisa’s post “terrible language” at fMh:

When my oldest daughter was about 4, she came running into the kitchen to tell me that there was going to be a movie on TV she wanted to watch (this was in the days of 3 networks and PBS). I asked her what it was, and she got all pink and squirmy and said “I can’t tell you!” I asked her why, she said “Its a bad word, Mommy.” and I replied (because back then there were no cable channels to worry about) “No, it’s OK, honey, you can tell me…” After about five minutes back and forth of me convincing her, and her making me promise her I wouldn’t punish her for saying a bad word, she finally replied “Shitty Shitty Bang Bang!” and then clasped her hand over her mouth and ran off, horrified ;-)

  • Kshaw, commenting on fMhLisa’s post “terrible language” at fMh:

My oldest is 9, and when she was 2, my MIL’s favorite curse was Sh!t. (ok, still is, especially when her son or grandsons scare her!)
Anyway, I hear my then 2 year old walking down the hall saying “sh!t, sh!t, sh!t…” as she came around the corner, she stopped dead in her tracks, looked up at me with her angelic blue eyes and said “I mean, Cwaaap!” I just about died!
Fast forward years, and her baby sister, who is 2, (what is it with this age??) was walking downstairs with a drink, dropped it and we hear “I dwopped my chokit milk! Oh, Dammit!” My inlaws and I just about died, it was so funny.

  • madhousewife, commenting on her own post “Facebook Faceoff” at the Exponent:

My basic philosophy is that life is too short to fight with people on the internet. If I want to fight with someone, I’ll do it in real life. (You know, where I can punch them.)

  • Kaimi, commenting on fMhLisa’s post “So What’s your Beef (Mormon) Ladies?” at fMh:

Well, I heart Janet _and_ Jack. In fact, I heart them so much that I have combined their names and now I refer to them, collectively, as “Jacket.” This seems appropriate because their words keep me spiritually warm and cozy when the cold winds of patriarchy are blowing. :P

  • that1girl, commenting on fMhLisa’s post “So What’s your Beef (Mormon) Ladies?” at fMh:

I don’t think men need the priesthood. I think they need vaginas. Maybe that would give them more compassion and empathy so they wouldn’t need that pesky priesthood.

  • Aaron B, on the question of whether he incorporated any particularly Mormon components into Christmas celebration, in a comment on Rebecca J.’s post “Christmas in the old and new world” at BCC:

Um, hello! Joseph Smith’s birthday is December 23. So in my house we celebrate “Smithmas” two days before “Christmas.” For most of December, in lieu of nativity scenes, we put up little figurines of Joseph, Emma, Oliver and Moroni, along with a tophat, a seerstone, some gold plates, Laban’s sword and a Urim and Thummim. Seriously, doesn’t everyone do this?

  • Karen H., commenting on Rebecca J.’s post “Christmas in the old and new world” at BCC:

that’s . . . how I bring mormonism into my christmas worship. When the ghost of christmas past, present, or future shows up, I ask to shake his hand.

  • Meg, commenting on Heidi’s post “I’m Done with Modesty” at fMh:

I think the men in the church should learn to look on the heart, rather than T&A.


  1. This is great. You should put a warning at the beginning, though, for readers to get their popcorn and be ready to relax for a bit.

  2. Reading this was way better than all the work I was supposed to be doing. The bloggernacle needs to raise the bar on funny comments so that you can do a post like this every Monday morning.

    “shitting shitting bang bang”

    I’m giggling like a Deacon who just saw his first bra strap.

  3. I keep thinking of omitted entries, then realize that they’re all from 2010.

    So, I’ll just say great list and move on. Well done!

  4. I feel so honored to have my haiku included! Too bad the entire “Come Ye Poets of the Bloggernacle” thread didn’t make the cut.

  5. Great list. Thanks, Ziff!

    I note that I didn’t have a single one. I officially retire from blogging.

  6. These were funny! I can’t believe I made the list. Keep this up Ziff — it’s pure entertainment!

  7. Some serious classics in this list, great work. As always, I find that despite spending what seems like a lot of time reading threads I only recognized a handful from their original context. FMH makes a good showing here. Numi’s hot fudge story slayed me.

  8. that1girl, I think you have made a miscalculation. If men got vaginas they would lose the priesthood, not because of increased compassion as you suggested, but because of behaviors following their acquisition.

  9. I was trying not to laugh out-loud as I read these while I should have been working….. I loved the “I mean, Cwaaap!” and “I dwopped my chokit milk! Oh, Dammit!”


  10. Ziff, these are great. Although every time something like this gets posted I end up adding a couple more blogs to my read list. I’m spending waaaaay too much time online these days 🙂

    I vote for at least a semiannual review. And second the entire poets of the bloggernacle thread!

  11. So awesome, Ziff!

    Steve (#17): We’ll miss you, man. If it’s any consolation, remember that some people just aren’t that funny. It’s ok, though, I’m sure you have other talents. Even if it’s hard to think of just what they might be right now.

  12. @MCQ: Yes, there are those who are not found funny in this life. It is not their fault, provided they put forth their best effort. Perhaps Steve will take solace in knowing that those who are not funny in this life will be made funny in the next.

  13. Thank you for compiling these gems! I love “A concerned brother”‘s letter to the Daily Universe. It was just as funny as the first time.

  14. Thanks for your comments. I’m glad y’all enjoyed the list. Thanks particularly to all the commenters whose words brought me so much laughter!

    And I’m sorry to have contributed to your retirement, Steve.

  15. I think I’m a little embarrassed by the specific comment credited to me, but as always I love Ziff’s posts so much that pride at being included outweighs the embarrassment. Mostly.

  16. Ziff,

    Mark and I loved this one the most,
    “In an instant my two year old dropped his pants, hopped on the demo potty at Home Depot and dumped. DH was left to explain while I praised son and took him to the checkout to buy a treat.”

    I laughed till I cried. Probably because we’re potty training now and our son pooped in our bathroom sink last week (yeah, it’s funny but also really gross).

    So the funniest thing about the Home Depot story is imagining what the employee was thinking when he walks up to this man standing next to a demo toilet with poop in it. “Seriously, dude? You dropped a deuce right here?”

  17. I love it!
    Like #36, I laughed so hard, the rest of my family came in, worried I was crying. Our 2 year old is potty training now too–ice cream to everyone if he poops in a potty.

  18. These were hilarious! Thanks for collecting them and posting. I had to stifle my laughter to keep from waking up the whole house. =)


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