We at ZD are pleased to announce that we’ve made a surprising and delightful discovery: our radiant inner femininity is a true blessing to the world, and, in light of this ephiphany, we’ve begun embracing our divine gender roles in earnest. We’ve long felt there was something sadly lacking in our lives, and we’ve found it in the most surpising of places: patriarchal authority. We feel strongly (and the men in our lives concur) that there’s no more reason to worry our pretty little heads over things of the world, so the single among us are moving back in with our fathers where we can hone our skills as full-time homemakers and practice submitting to male jurisdiction, “learn[ing] in silence with all subjection,” while the wives on our site have committed themselves to renewed effort in surrendering to the presiding wills of our husbands.
We never thought this day would come, but we’ve rescued our charcoal-stained bras from the flames and donned them with pride. Rather than selfishly squandering time blogging about trumped-up non-issues in Mormon feminism, we’ve decided to devote ourselves to a more feminine and worthy pursuit: we expect shortly to unveil a line of luxury bras called “By Divine Design,” available for purchase over the internet. Watch out, Victoria’s Secret! You’re about to meet fierce competition in the form of “Victoria’s Sacred.”
We believe that the beautiful essence of femininity is self-sacrifice, and have therefore paradoxically committed ourselves to non-selfhood. For a time the Father of Lies was able to beguile us by diverting us from our divine destiny as eternal wives and mothers. Secretly we harbored that most pernicious of desires for any of God’s precious daughters: the surreptitious wish to be a man. But no longer! Such unbecoming ambition has been rooted from our tender breasts.
We’ve thrown off Satan’s shackles with gusto and embraced our God-given roles. We relish opportunities to sacrifice ourselves for the benefit of our husbands (or future husbands) and children (or future children). As for those of us unfortunate souls to whom the opportunity of self-sacrifice to fleshly beings in the form of actual husbands and children has thus far been denied in this life, in the spirit of true womanhood we have committed to throwing ourselves into opportunities of general self-sacrifice for the betterment of the male persuasion. We understand the importance of nurturing our inner masochists.
We affirm that the highest and holiest calling of mankind is that special and peerless role of Mother, and acknowledge that, regardless of whether we have children, as women we have all been mothers from birth. Motherhood is nothing more than a state of mind in which we beam our sweet tender ministrations into the great beyond. There’s a special reason the errand of angels was given to women, and we intend to fulfill that errand of mercy with decorous but insistent zeal.
As daughters of a loving male deity, the architect of our indispensable femininity, we recognize our eternal worth. Thus armed with newfound self-esteem, we no longer see any need for equality.
Instead, we believe that it is a true blessing and an honor to be presided over. As wives and future wives, our goal should ever be to serve as a comfort and support to our husbands, surrendering our wills to theirs.
The truth is, we are our own better halves, the angels in our houses. But you’ll never hear it from our lips–we’re naturally self-effacing and demure.