Fun – Page 3 – Zelophehad's Daughters

Nacle Notebook 2020: Funniest Comments

Ziff4 January 202113 Comments

Twenty twenty was a decidedly unfunny year. To me, though, this meant that we had more need than ever to find chances to laugh. Toward that end, this post is my annual compilation of the funniest comments and bits of posts that I read on the Bloggernacle in the past year. In case you haven’t read them yet, here are links to compilations for previous years: 2019 2018 2017 2016 2015 2014 2013 2012 2011 2010 2009 2008.

Most of these are excerpts from longer comments or posts. I’ve made each person’s name a link to the original source, so you can go and read them in their original context if you want. Also, the comments are in roughly chronological order.

hawkgrrrl, in her post “What’s the Point of BYU?” at W&T:

To provide match-making for young Mormons, particularly those who grew up in areas with few Mormons to date or potentially marry. Otherwise, where would all those RMs go to find the hot wives their disgusting mission presidents promised them as a reward for faithful service?

p, commenting on hawkgrrrl’s post:

I was . . . a poor kid from rural Arizona. My nonmember parents sent me to BYU in part to shield me from the hippie rebellion of the late 60’s early 70’s. Little did they know that California Mormons were sending their wild-ass hippie kids to BYU to straighten them out! I never had so much fun in my life[!]

Yes, this is the visual equivalent of a laugh track. Photo credit: Brian Lundquist on Unsplash

In Christmas, Fun

More Christmas Classics, Mormonized

Ziff11 December 20204 Comments

The Polar Express

A young boy is surprised to discover a train stopping right next to his house on Christmas Eve night. He learns that it’s going to the North Pole, so he boards it and finds it packed with children. Hot chocolate is being served, but the boy, remembering his study of D&C 89, righteously turns down this evil hot drink. The train rushes through forests and up mountains and finally arrives at the North Pole, where a

huge throng of elves is waiting for Santa to bestow the first gift of Christmas. The boy is chosen to be the recipient of the gift, and Santa tells him he can choose anything he likes. Eschewing the contents of Santa’s gigantic bag, the boy chooses a small stone that is sitting on the seat of Santa’s sleigh, because the stone appears to be glowing with a strange light. The boy is devastated to find when he returns to the train that the stone has fallen out of his pocket. Fortunately, Santa slips it in with the gifts the boy opens on Christmas morning. Sadly, though, the glow has disappeared. The boy thinks of putting it in a dark place, such as an upturned top hat, to see if any glow remains. He is delighted to discover that not only does it still glow, but it shows letters in sequence that make up a message. Thrilled, he transcribes the message and finds that it repeats over and over “Be sure to read your scriptures.” The boy’s friends are able to read the message too, but as time passes and they age, one by one they lose the ability, but for all his life, the boy is always able to see it.

In Fun, Politics

Captain Trumponi and the Title of Biglity

Ziff29 October 202029 October 202013 Comments

Utah Senator Mike Lee faced some backlash after he compared Donald Trump to Captain Moroni at a rally yesterday. In response, his office released the following passages of scripture about Captain Moroni to show that, with only a little tweaking, Trump is a perfect fit.

Alma 46:11-13

And now it came to pass that when Trumponi, who was the commander in chief of the armies of the Americans, had heard of these Democrats voting by mail, he was angry with Obamakiah.

And it came to pass that he rent his coat, which was a fur coat, the very finest; and he took a piece thereof, and wrote upon it—In memory of my mammon, my power, my owning of the libs, my wives and my affair partners and my affair partners who became wives and my one-night stands and my prostitutes and my porn stars and the victims of my assaults, and my children, Ivanka especially (and here, behold, he did add a winking emoji)—and he fastened it upon the end of a nine iron.

And he brushed on his majestic skin of orange, and his blue suit, and his red tie, and he girded on his holy MAGA hat about his head; and he took the nine iron, which had on the end thereof his rent coat, (and he called it the title of biglity) and he gathered his advisors and they all bowed themselves down unto him, and he charged them to pray to their God for the blessings of appointing judges and enriching the rich and punishing those with dark skin or an unknown tongue to rest upon him, so long as there should a band of white supremacists remain to possess the land—

In Fun, General Conference

Topics That Might Be Mentioned in Conference, with Associated Probabilities

Ziff28 September 20208 Comments

With General Conference, right around the corner, I thought it might be fun to make some guesses about topics that will or won’t be brought up by the speakers. But not only will I list the topics, for each topic, I’ll also provide an actual numerical estimate of the probability that at least one speaker will mention it. As a trained data tinkerer, I can assure you that these so-called “estimates” are completely made up! Please feel free to add your suggestions, or explain why my numbers are wrong, in the comments.

Topic	Probability
COVID-19 as a public health crisis	10%
COVID-19 as an analogy for a spiritually bad thing	50%
The need to stop the spread of COVID-19 by wearing masks	5%
The need to respect others’ beliefs about the dangers of wearing masks	20%
The announcement of official Church-branded masks, complete with the new logo, to be made available to all temple recommend-holding members	< 1%
The wickedness of the world, as evidenced by governments’ failure to label church meetings “essential” during COVID-19 lockdowns	60%
The wickedness of the world, as evidenced by some wealthy countries still refusing to provide health insurance to all their citizens.	<< 1%
Congratulations to Jacinda Ardern and New Zealand for handling the COVID-19 crisis so well	1%
Condemnation to Donald Trump and the United States for handling the COVID-19 crisis so badly	<< 1%
The importance of electing officials who will pass laws against abortion	10%
The importance of electing officials who will pass laws against gay marriage	15%
The importance of paying your taxes	< 1%
The importance of not going $300 million into debt	<< 1%
QAnon conspiracy theories as a bad thing	1%
QAnon conspiracy theories as a good thing	2%
Operation Underground Railroad	5%
Quote from Ruth Bader Ginsburg	< 1%
Quote from Amy Coney Barrett	1%
Reminder that racism is bad	1%
Reminder that property destruction is uncalled for, even when people have been treated badly	5%
Announcement of one or more new temples	95%
Announcement of five or more new temples	50%
Announcement of ten or more new temples	5%
Retraction of a temple previously announced	< 1%
Salt Lake Temple renovation found to be too costly; temple is to be demolished and rebuilt	< 1%
New all-Zoom temple ordinances	<< 1%
Tithing, and how it’s even more important during hard times	40%
Death, and how it’s part of God’s plan	50%
Six new apostles called to “pack the Quorum”	<< 1%
Family Proclamation canonized	10%
Restoration Proclamation canonized	15%
D&C 132 de-canonized	<< 1%
Earthly polygamy reinstated	< 1%
Hosanna shout to be re-performed each Conference until membership can “get it right”	5%

In Fun

Mormon Movie Ideas

Ziff10 August 20206 Comments

When I was a kid, I watched a lot of Mormon movies. I’m talking about Church-produced movies that would be shown in Sunday School classes or maybe randomly at activities and for sure in seminary. I recall classics like the one about the guy who was wandering through a desert and found a pump that he had to prime before using. But instead of using the water left with the pump to prime it, he drank it, and then the pump ws of no use, and he stumbled out in the desert and died. Or “Cipher in the Snow,” the tear-jerker about the boy who died because nobody noticed him. Or the classic “Morality for Youth,” which my sisters and friends always simply called “The River Movie.” By the way, I really appreciate the unnamed person who runs the YouTube channel “Hard-to-Find Mormon Videos,” where you can watch these and many, many more.

So I got to thinking about what movies the Church should make next. I’m pretty out of touch with what’s being made now. I know there are lots of short clips that feature a snippet of a GAs’ talk voicing over people acting out something related to the talk. But I’m not up on what this generation’s river movie is, for example. Of course that didn’t stop me from coming up with a few ideas, which I’m sharing here. If anyone from the Church media department is reading this, I totally don’t mind if you borrow any of them.

In Fun

19 Reasons Why True Latter-day Saints Would Never Wear a Mask

Ziff22 July 20207 Comments

A bunch of people in Utah Valley, likely mostly Mormons, recently made clear how much they hate the idea of having their kids wear masks when they go back to school in the fall. And they have a good case. Here are 19 reasons why true Latter-day Saints would never wear a mask.

Mask is a four-letter word, like holy and moly.
If God wanted us to wear masks, we would be born wearing them.
President Nelson has communicated divine censure for use of the word Mormon, and other m-words are clearly also unholy (e.g., mutual, Missouri, masturbation).
Mask wearing is an attempt to frustrate God’s divine Plan of Pestilence (which took the baton from the Plan of Happiness just this year). All attempts to frustrate this plan, including but not limited to mask wearing, hand washing, social distancing, and vaccine development, are obviously wicked.
Masks interfere with sacred communication. As we learn in the temple, holy language would be muffled if spoken through a layer of cloth.
If mask wearing is so important, why does the inspired American Constitution contain the 3/5 compromise, where the vote of a mask-wearer counts for 3/5 as much as the vote of a bare-faced patriot?
Mask is only one letter different from mark, and a careful re-translation of the Book of Revelation indicates that it was the mask of the beast that the wicked would don in the last days rather than the mark of the beast.
Wearing a mask shows concern for one’s community, which is clearly an unholy perversion of God’s plan of looking out for number one. As the Book of Mormon teaches, “every man fare[s] in this life according to the management of the creature; therefore every man prosper[s] according to his genius, and . . . every man conquer[s] according to his strength.”
In football, which is an obviously righteous sport because it provides so much revenue for the Lord’s University, mask-related infractions come with among the most severe penalties.
Church Halloween activities ban masks, and just as the divine admonition to greet one another with “Merry Christmas” and not “Happy Holidays” extends beyond the Christmas season, so also does the requirement to not don masks extend beyond the Halloween season and throughout the whole year.
The BYUs ban beards, which are clearly nothing more than an attempt to grow a natural mask. The natural mask is an enemy to God, and so also is the artificial mask.
The righteous society that arose after Jesus’s visit to the New World, as described in 4 Nephi, “had all things in common among them.” Early Christians in the Old World did the same. The “all things” clearly included viruses, so wearers of masks are wickedly withholding and refusing to share their infections with their fellow saints.
A member of the Quorum of the Twelve has titled a talk “Don’t Wear Masks.” It doesn’t get any clearer than that.
Church leaders would never teach that clothing be chosen with an eye toward protecting those around you.
Wearing masks is trusting in the arm of flesh. Just as faithful Latter-day Saints reject all man-made medicine as the arm of flesh, should we not also likewise reject masks?
Jesus taught that believers would be protected from poison and snakes, not by masks, but by faith alone.
COVID-19 is a fake disease made up to embarrass God’s chosen vessel, Donald J. Trump. Does not COVID stand for Conspiracy Organized to Vigorously Impeach Donald?
Wearing a mask is nothing more than a trial run for a gigantic face tattoo.
Since when has an extra layer of clothing ever provided a shield or a protection to anyone?

In Fun, Music

Joseph Smith’s First (or Second) Prayer

Ziff6 July 20202 Comments

Rumor has it that the folks assembling the new Church hymnal are planning to embrace the multiple accounts of the First Vision with a completely rewritten version of the hymn “Joseph Smith’s First Prayer.” We here at ZD are pleased to present this draft leaked to us from hidden sources deep in the COB.

1. Oh, how lovely was the morning!
Or perhaps ’twas afternoon!
Bees were humming, sweet birds singing,
Or the birds may have ceased to croon,
When within the shady woodland
Joseph sought the God of love,
Or he may have wandered, unplanned,
When he got word from above.

2. Humbly kneeling, sweet appealing—
’Twas the boy’s first uttered prayer—
Or perhaps he’d been concealing
Vocal prayers that were far from rare;
But undaunted, still he trusted
In his Heav’nly Father’s care,
Or he may have been quite daunted
And been filled with deep despair.

3. Suddenly a light descended,
Brighter far than noonday sun,
Or perhaps from earth ascended
Thick darkness that left him stunned,
While appeared two heav’nly beings,
God the Father and the Son,
Or it might have been just angels
Or a heav’nly being One.

4. “Joseph, this is my Beloved;
Hear him!” Oh, how sweet the word!
Or the Lord alone announced
Joseph’s sins would no more be heard.
Oh, what rapture filled his bosom,
For he saw the living God,
Or perhaps he found it humdrum,
And he noised it not abroad.

In Fun

Explanation of the Church’s New Logo

Ziff25 April 202010 Comments

Although President Nelson discussed the Church’s new logo when he introduced it in General Conference, the Church, in consultation with McNaughton Fine Art, realized that what was also needed was a straightforward explanation of the deep symbolism of the logo, as was provided for the new Tabernacle Choir logo. We here at ZD are pleased to share this exclusive leaked draft of the document.

In Fun, Music

Hymns for a Time of Coronavirus

Ziff22 March 20201 Comment

Come, Come, Ye Saints

Come, come, ye Saints
No quarantining fear
But with joy
Keep away!
Though hard to you
May distancing appear
Let’s stay home
Day by day!
‘Tis better if we need to meet
To keep a distance of six feet!
Do this and joy, the virus quelled
All is well! All is well!

Now Let Us Be Home

Now let us be home in extended staycation.
For safety as strangers on earth let us stay.
Sad tidings of virus have come to each nation,
But soon blessed hour of containment, we pray!
When from all the people COVID will be driven,
And none will infect them from morn until ev’n,
And all shall come forth and embrace one another
The WHO and CDC will free all to come play!

(Thanks to Olea of the Exponent who suggested a nice edit that fixed the rhythm of the sixth line of “Come, Come, Ye Saints.”)

In Fun

Rejected Names for Church Wi-Fi Networks

Ziff17 February 202021 Comments

It appears that the Church will be changing the name of the Wi-Fi networks in meetinghouses from “LDSAccess” to “Liahona.” I assume this is part of President Nelson’s push to not use abbreviations for the name of the Church. Would it be too impertinent of me to point out that “Liahona” doesn’t contain Jesus’s name either?

In any case, I’m sure that the powers that be considered many possible names before settling on the one they chose. Here are some of my guesses for what some of their rejected candidates might have been.

LSD Access
No Doubter Router
Broad and Spacious Band
Strait and Narrow Band
Sweet Is the Network
The Promised LAN
WiFi #19
How Firmware a Foundation
In the Internet but not of the Internet
Holy Text Temple Protocol
Moroni’s Mesh
Helaman’s Hub
Router of Riplakish
Pillar of Firewall
Modest Is Hottest Spot
Wireless Local Area Network of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints
SCMC Surveillance Van

If you have additions to the list, please don’t hesitate to share them in the comments!

In Fun

Old Testament Valentines

Ziff10 February 2020

In Fun

Nacle Notebook 2019: Funniest Comments

Ziff6 January 20209 Comments

This post is my annual compilation of the funniest comments and bits of posts that I read on the Bloggernacle in the past year. In case you haven’t read them yet, here are links to compilations for previous years: 2018 2017 2016 2015 2014 2013 2012 2011 2010 2009 2008.

Comments on Sam Brunson’s post “Call for guest posts: #TeachingPrimaryCFM” at BCC:

[responding to the suggestion that a child could only sit still for as many minutes as they were old]

Great suggestion. I’ll be 72 this year and not old enough for 2-hour church.

Cate:

I taught the Valiant 9 class last year . . . . [at] the monthly teacher council, . . . . we all came in there with different challenges. The gospel doctrine teachers are asking themselves, How can I make this new and interesting to people who have heard it so many times before? The youth teachers are asking, How can I get my kids to see that this really does apply to them? And the primary teacher is asking, How can I get my students to sit at the table instead of under the table?

I was teaching 8 yr olds . . . about the miraculous occurrences at the Kirtland Temple dedication. I was using all of my story telling skills in hopes of providing a relatable experience for about ten. After telling the kids about some at the dedication speaking in toungues, the appearance of an angel, and the visions and miracles that occurred, the kids were quiet, still, and ostensibly attentive. I thought I had ‘em. Then one boy raised his hand. I knew him to be a smart kid. I expected him to ask who the angel was. When I called on him, he very matter of factly asked, “Brother G, did you know I’m going to Disneyland next week?”

In Fun

New Church Policies for a New Year

Ziff3 January 20204 Comments

Some of my sisters visited me over the holidays, and together we came up with a list of goofy Church policy pronouncements that we’d like to hear this year.

Twinkies are permitted for use in the sacrament (see D&C 27:2), but only if it is preceded by a disclaimer that their use does not imply any endorsement of the Church or its priesthood by the Hostess Corporation.

The Church wishes to state clearly so there can be no confusion that it has no connection with the dating app Moroni’s Bosom.

In Christmas, Fun

Christmas Carol Confusion

Ziff20 December 20193 May 20218 Comments

When I was a kid, I was deeply confused by the lyrics of some of the Christmas carols that I heard or even sang. For example, in the chorus of “What Child Is This?”, this line got me stuck:

Haste, haste, to bring Him laud

Laud? What the heck is laud? I remember wondering if it was a long-ago time, and since food wasn’t as abundant as it is now, maybe what Baby Jesus needed to have brought to him was lard. Not that tasty, but it would keep him and his family alive for a while. Also, I reasoned, perhaps people were just singing the word with some kind of weird affected accent.

Another song that caused me confusion was “The First Noel.” This line in particular:

Was to certain poor shepherds in fields as they lay

For the longest time, I thought that the word certain here was a verb, and this was some as-yet-unknown-to-me usage that meant “to make more certain.” So the angel appeared to the shepherds, who were in doubt and fear, and the angel reassured them to make them certain that all would be well. I admit that I’m still kind of disappointed at its actual meaning, where it feels like a filler word. Like, was it really important at all which shepherds heard the news of Jesus’s birth? Not really. It could have been any old shepherds. Or people of any occupation, really. The important point is just that the birth was announced. It’s not like they were the certain Wise Men who came from the east or anything. So it wasn’t really certain poor shepherds. It would work just as well to say random poor shepherds. I still like my childhood interpretation better. I imagine that we all like shepherds have need of being made more certain, and an angel comes down and provides that certainty.

In Fun, General Conference

Conference Review, October 2019

Ziff30 October 20193 Comments

This post has some of my favorite and least-favorite things from this last General Conference. I’m sorry it has been a few weeks so it might be largely forgotten. Anyway, please share your favorites and least favorites in the comments if you’d like.

Best story: Elder Alliaud’s story of his non-member mother quizzing him when he decided to get baptized, including asking him, “Do you have any idea how long church is?”
Worst story, hedge about the law category: Elder Christofferson’s story of the paralyzed patriarch where he carefully made it clear that it was a priesthood holder and not some unwashed heathen (or worse yet, woman), who supported the patriarch’s hands when he gave blessings.
Worst story, endlessly serving woman category: Elder Christofferson again, although this time sharing a story he heard from Elder Bednar and his wife about a very recently widowed woman who of course still served as an usher at a temple dedication, thus helpfully normalizing the idea that women should be forever serving and never thinking of themselves.

Best visual aid: The Del Parson painting of a smiling, welcoming Jesus included by President Aburto in her talk “Thru Cloud and Sunshine, Lord, Abide with Me!”
Worst visual aid: The picture of a (to me) comically distressed-looking Moses included by Elder Stevenson near the end of his talk “Deceive Me Not”
Worst visual aid, missing category: Elder Uchtdorf made mention of Hobbits throughout his talk, but didn’t show us a picture of even one Hobbit!

Best laughs: Elder Holland’s report of the little boy who laid on the floor and raised his foot during the sustainings last General Conference; Elder Gong’s story of the longsuffering Primary teacher who didn’t interrupt the child who prayed and expressed gratitude for each letter and number.
Worst laugh: President Oaks making light of a woman’s concern over whether she would have to share a house with a sister wife in the next life.

In Fun

Book of Mormon Story Titles, Very Slightly Revised

Ziff24 September 2019

Earlier this year, I wrote a post where I rewrote familiar Mormon titles by adding, subtracting, or changing a single letter, and then briefly wrote what the resulting story would be. For example, The Work and the Glory became The Work and the Gory, a dramatized version of early Mormon history, with special focus on the Danites. I thought it might be fun to try this with Book of Mormon stories too. As these stories could be given many different names, I used the chapter names from the Church’s Book of Mormon Stories for children as a starting point. I broke my one-letter rule a couple of times, but mostly I stuck to it. Please add your revised Book of Mormon story titles in the comments if you’d like.

Lehi Warms the People — Rather than jumping right into condemning them for their wickedness, Lehi opens his preaching to the people of Jerusalem with a few jokes.

Lehi Leavens Jerusalem — Before leaving Jerusalem, Lehi adds leaven to all the residents’ Passover bread, and brings down their wrath on him even more than his preaching had.

The Brass Pilates — Concerned that his family will get flabby while trekking in the wilderness, Lehi sends his sons back to Jerusalem to recover the secret of an ancient physical fitness system, the details of which are engraved on metal plates.

Lehi’s Ream — Lehi’s family makes it out of Jerusalem with 500 sheets of precious papyrus that they plan to keep records on. Unfortunately, they have to change plans and use metal plates when Laman and Lemuel wickedly use all the papyrus to make spitwads and papyrus airplanes.

Building the Shiv — When Lehi and Sariah’s family find themselves imprisoned in the land Bountiful, Nephi receives a series of revelations that allow him to build a shiv, which he uses to behead enough prison guards that the family is able to escape.

eOS — While hunting beasts in the forest, Enos prays for many things including the forgiveness of his sins, and for God to watch over his people. All of his desires are granted except for his wish to develop an operating system that will unseat Apple’s flagship OS on their own hardware.

Bling Benjamin — An aging king wants to give a farewell address to his people, but their numbers are so large that his voice cannot reach them all. He sends written copies of his speech out so his people can know his words, and he also delivers the speech from the top of a tower while wearing as much bling as his aging body can manage, so that even people far away can see him shimmering in the sunlight.

In Fun

Updated List of Items Prohibited at Church

Ziff27 August 201924 August 20207 Comments

Now that the Church has upgraded firearms in church buildings from “inappropriate” to “prohibited,” it seems that now is a good time to release this draft list of other items considered for prohibition in church buildings that I’m quite sure my sources said has been floating around the COB.

Firelegs
Fire benders
The bends (anyone suffering from decompression sickness is to be healed or expelled immediately)

In Fun, Music

Beatles Songs, Mormonized

Ziff27 June 201927 June 20195 Comments

At the Sunstone Symposium this year, Todd Compton, Harold Peterson, and Clair Von Barrus are giving a presentation titled “The Beatles, Rock ‘n’ Roll, and Mormonism.” (Follow the link in the image on the right for more information or to register for Sunstone. If you do, just know that I’ll be jealous!)

Inspired by their topic, I thought it might be fun to imagine what a few of their song lyrics might have been if they had been Mormons. Here are three of my attempts. If you feel so inclined, please feel free to add yours in the comments.

Here Comes the Son

Here comes the Son, here comes the Son
And I say He’s the light.

In Fun, Satan

Are you ready for four times as much Satan?

Ziff7 April 20195 Comments

President Nelson said in Priesthood Session last night that Satan is quadrupling his efforts against LDS members. But what exactly does this mean? I have some theories.

In addition to riding on and controlling the waters, Satan now also controls three additional liquids: chocolate milk, mercury, and blood. Missionaries will be prohibited to consume, swim in, or ride in a boat on any of these.
Satan now leads away four thirds of the host of heaven rather than merely one. This requires him to lead some stubborn host members away more than once. (The fact that he has to do this explains why any host members remained on God’s side at all.)

In Fun

Prepentance

Ziff1 April 20191 April 20191 Comment

ZD is pleased to share the following press release from the Mormon Newsroom. The release is scheduled to be run immediately following General Conference, but it has been leaked to us on an exclusive basis by the Three Nephites.

After President Nelson’s inspired announcement of the Church’s move from a focus on repentance, which looks backward at sins that have already been committed, to a focus on prepentance, which looks forward at sins that have not yet been committed, he has directed that the creation of the following FAQ about prepentance.

Q: How can I know what things to prepent of, if I haven’t committed the sins yet?