Fun – Page 3 – Zelophehad's Daughters

Joseph Smith’s First (or Second) Prayer

Ziff6 July 20202 Comments

Rumor has it that the folks assembling the new Church hymnal are planning to embrace the multiple accounts of the First Vision with a completely rewritten version of the hymn “Joseph Smith’s First Prayer.” We here at ZD are pleased to present this draft leaked to us from hidden sources deep in the COB.

1. Oh, how lovely was the morning!
Or perhaps ’twas afternoon!
Bees were humming, sweet birds singing,
Or the birds may have ceased to croon,
When within the shady woodland
Joseph sought the God of love,
Or he may have wandered, unplanned,
When he got word from above.

2. Humbly kneeling, sweet appealing—
’Twas the boy’s first uttered prayer—
Or perhaps he’d been concealing
Vocal prayers that were far from rare;
But undaunted, still he trusted
In his Heav’nly Father’s care,
Or he may have been quite daunted
And been filled with deep despair.

3. Suddenly a light descended,
Brighter far than noonday sun,
Or perhaps from earth ascended
Thick darkness that left him stunned,
While appeared two heav’nly beings,
God the Father and the Son,
Or it might have been just angels
Or a heav’nly being One.

4. “Joseph, this is my Beloved;
Hear him!” Oh, how sweet the word!
Or the Lord alone announced
Joseph’s sins would no more be heard.
Oh, what rapture filled his bosom,
For he saw the living God,
Or perhaps he found it humdrum,
And he noised it not abroad.

In Fun

Explanation of the Church’s New Logo

Ziff25 April 202010 Comments

Although President Nelson discussed the Church’s new logo when he introduced it in General Conference, the Church, in consultation with McNaughton Fine Art, realized that what was also needed was a straightforward explanation of the deep symbolism of the logo, as was provided for the new Tabernacle Choir logo. We here at ZD are pleased to share this exclusive leaked draft of the document.

In Fun, Music

Hymns for a Time of Coronavirus

Ziff22 March 20201 Comment

Come, Come, Ye Saints

Come, come, ye Saints
No quarantining fear
But with joy
Keep away!
Though hard to you
May distancing appear
Let’s stay home
Day by day!
‘Tis better if we need to meet
To keep a distance of six feet!
Do this and joy, the virus quelled
All is well! All is well!

Now Let Us Be Home

Now let us be home in extended staycation.
For safety as strangers on earth let us stay.
Sad tidings of virus have come to each nation,
But soon blessed hour of containment, we pray!
When from all the people COVID will be driven,
And none will infect them from morn until ev’n,
And all shall come forth and embrace one another
The WHO and CDC will free all to come play!

(Thanks to Olea of the Exponent who suggested a nice edit that fixed the rhythm of the sixth line of “Come, Come, Ye Saints.”)

In Fun

Rejected Names for Church Wi-Fi Networks

Ziff17 February 202021 Comments

It appears that the Church will be changing the name of the Wi-Fi networks in meetinghouses from “LDSAccess” to “Liahona.” I assume this is part of President Nelson’s push to not use abbreviations for the name of the Church. Would it be too impertinent of me to point out that “Liahona” doesn’t contain Jesus’s name either?

In any case, I’m sure that the powers that be considered many possible names before settling on the one they chose. Here are some of my guesses for what some of their rejected candidates might have been.

LSD Access
No Doubter Router
Broad and Spacious Band
Strait and Narrow Band
Sweet Is the Network
The Promised LAN
WiFi #19
How Firmware a Foundation
In the Internet but not of the Internet
Holy Text Temple Protocol
Moroni’s Mesh
Helaman’s Hub
Router of Riplakish
Pillar of Firewall
Modest Is Hottest Spot
Wireless Local Area Network of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints
SCMC Surveillance Van

If you have additions to the list, please don’t hesitate to share them in the comments!

In Fun

Old Testament Valentines

Ziff10 February 2020

In Fun

Nacle Notebook 2019: Funniest Comments

Ziff6 January 20209 Comments

This post is my annual compilation of the funniest comments and bits of posts that I read on the Bloggernacle in the past year. In case you haven’t read them yet, here are links to compilations for previous years: 2018 2017 2016 2015 2014 2013 2012 2011 2010 2009 2008.

Most of these are excerpts from longer comments or posts. I’ve made each person’s name a link to the original source, so you can go and read them in their original context if you want. Also, the comments are in roughly chronological order.

Comments on Sam Brunson’s post “Call for guest posts: #TeachingPrimaryCFM” at BCC:

[responding to the suggestion that a child could only sit still for as many minutes as they were old]

Great suggestion. I’ll be 72 this year and not old enough for 2-hour church.

Cate:

I taught the Valiant 9 class last year . . . . [at] the monthly teacher council, . . . . we all came in there with different challenges. The gospel doctrine teachers are asking themselves, How can I make this new and interesting to people who have heard it so many times before? The youth teachers are asking, How can I get my kids to see that this really does apply to them? And the primary teacher is asking, How can I get my students to sit at the table instead of under the table?

I was teaching 8 yr olds . . . about the miraculous occurrences at the Kirtland Temple dedication. I was using all of my story telling skills in hopes of providing a relatable experience for about ten. After telling the kids about some at the dedication speaking in toungues, the appearance of an angel, and the visions and miracles that occurred, the kids were quiet, still, and ostensibly attentive. I thought I had ‘em. Then one boy raised his hand. I knew him to be a smart kid. I expected him to ask who the angel was. When I called on him, he very matter of factly asked, “Brother G, did you know I’m going to Disneyland next week?”

In Fun

New Church Policies for a New Year

Ziff3 January 20204 Comments

Some of my sisters visited me over the holidays, and together we came up with a list of goofy Church policy pronouncements that we’d like to hear this year.

Twinkies are permitted for use in the sacrament (see D&C 27:2), but only if it is preceded by a disclaimer that their use does not imply any endorsement of the Church or its priesthood by the Hostess Corporation.

The Church wishes to state clearly so there can be no confusion that it has no connection with the dating app Moroni’s Bosom.

In Christmas, Fun

Christmas Carol Confusion

Ziff20 December 20193 May 20218 Comments

When I was a kid, I was deeply confused by the lyrics of some of the Christmas carols that I heard or even sang. For example, in the chorus of “What Child Is This?”, this line got me stuck:

Haste, haste, to bring Him laud

Laud? What the heck is laud? I remember wondering if it was a long-ago time, and since food wasn’t as abundant as it is now, maybe what Baby Jesus needed to have brought to him was lard. Not that tasty, but it would keep him and his family alive for a while. Also, I reasoned, perhaps people were just singing the word with some kind of weird affected accent.

Another song that caused me confusion was “The First Noel.” This line in particular:

Was to certain poor shepherds in fields as they lay

For the longest time, I thought that the word certain here was a verb, and this was some as-yet-unknown-to-me usage that meant “to make more certain.” So the angel appeared to the shepherds, who were in doubt and fear, and the angel reassured them to make them certain that all would be well. I admit that I’m still kind of disappointed at its actual meaning, where it feels like a filler word. Like, was it really important at all which shepherds heard the news of Jesus’s birth? Not really. It could have been any old shepherds. Or people of any occupation, really. The important point is just that the birth was announced. It’s not like they were the certain Wise Men who came from the east or anything. So it wasn’t really certain poor shepherds. It would work just as well to say random poor shepherds. I still like my childhood interpretation better. I imagine that we all like shepherds have need of being made more certain, and an angel comes down and provides that certainty.

In Fun, General Conference

Conference Review, October 2019

Ziff30 October 20193 Comments

This post has some of my favorite and least-favorite things from this last General Conference. I’m sorry it has been a few weeks so it might be largely forgotten. Anyway, please share your favorites and least favorites in the comments if you’d like.

Best story: Elder Alliaud’s story of his non-member mother quizzing him when he decided to get baptized, including asking him, “Do you have any idea how long church is?”
Worst story, hedge about the law category: Elder Christofferson’s story of the paralyzed patriarch where he carefully made it clear that it was a priesthood holder and not some unwashed heathen (or worse yet, woman), who supported the patriarch’s hands when he gave blessings.
Worst story, endlessly serving woman category: Elder Christofferson again, although this time sharing a story he heard from Elder Bednar and his wife about a very recently widowed woman who of course still served as an usher at a temple dedication, thus helpfully normalizing the idea that women should be forever serving and never thinking of themselves.

Best visual aid: The Del Parson painting of a smiling, welcoming Jesus included by President Aburto in her talk “Thru Cloud and Sunshine, Lord, Abide with Me!”
Worst visual aid: The picture of a (to me) comically distressed-looking Moses included by Elder Stevenson near the end of his talk “Deceive Me Not”
Worst visual aid, missing category: Elder Uchtdorf made mention of Hobbits throughout his talk, but didn’t show us a picture of even one Hobbit!

Best laughs: Elder Holland’s report of the little boy who laid on the floor and raised his foot during the sustainings last General Conference; Elder Gong’s story of the longsuffering Primary teacher who didn’t interrupt the child who prayed and expressed gratitude for each letter and number.
Worst laugh: President Oaks making light of a woman’s concern over whether she would have to share a house with a sister wife in the next life.

In Fun

Book of Mormon Story Titles, Very Slightly Revised

Ziff24 September 2019

Earlier this year, I wrote a post where I rewrote familiar Mormon titles by adding, subtracting, or changing a single letter, and then briefly wrote what the resulting story would be. For example, The Work and the Glory became The Work and the Gory, a dramatized version of early Mormon history, with special focus on the Danites. I thought it might be fun to try this with Book of Mormon stories too. As these stories could be given many different names, I used the chapter names from the Church’s Book of Mormon Stories for children as a starting point. I broke my one-letter rule a couple of times, but mostly I stuck to it. Please add your revised Book of Mormon story titles in the comments if you’d like.

Lehi Warms the People — Rather than jumping right into condemning them for their wickedness, Lehi opens his preaching to the people of Jerusalem with a few jokes.

Lehi Leavens Jerusalem — Before leaving Jerusalem, Lehi adds leaven to all the residents’ Passover bread, and brings down their wrath on him even more than his preaching had.

The Brass Pilates — Concerned that his family will get flabby while trekking in the wilderness, Lehi sends his sons back to Jerusalem to recover the secret of an ancient physical fitness system, the details of which are engraved on metal plates.

Lehi’s Ream — Lehi’s family makes it out of Jerusalem with 500 sheets of precious papyrus that they plan to keep records on. Unfortunately, they have to change plans and use metal plates when Laman and Lemuel wickedly use all the papyrus to make spitwads and papyrus airplanes.

Building the Shiv — When Lehi and Sariah’s family find themselves imprisoned in the land Bountiful, Nephi receives a series of revelations that allow him to build a shiv, which he uses to behead enough prison guards that the family is able to escape.

eOS — While hunting beasts in the forest, Enos prays for many things including the forgiveness of his sins, and for God to watch over his people. All of his desires are granted except for his wish to develop an operating system that will unseat Apple’s flagship OS on their own hardware.

Bling Benjamin — An aging king wants to give a farewell address to his people, but their numbers are so large that his voice cannot reach them all. He sends written copies of his speech out so his people can know his words, and he also delivers the speech from the top of a tower while wearing as much bling as his aging body can manage, so that even people far away can see him shimmering in the sunlight.

In Fun

Updated List of Items Prohibited at Church

Ziff27 August 201924 August 20207 Comments

Now that the Church has upgraded firearms in church buildings from “inappropriate” to “prohibited,” it seems that now is a good time to release this draft list of other items considered for prohibition in church buildings that I’m quite sure my sources said has been floating around the COB.

Firelegs
Fire benders
The bends (anyone suffering from decompression sickness is to be healed or expelled immediately)

In Fun, Music

Beatles Songs, Mormonized

Ziff27 June 201927 June 20195 Comments

At the Sunstone Symposium this year, Todd Compton, Harold Peterson, and Clair Von Barrus are giving a presentation titled “The Beatles, Rock ‘n’ Roll, and Mormonism.” (Follow the link in the image on the right for more information or to register for Sunstone. If you do, just know that I’ll be jealous!)

Inspired by their topic, I thought it might be fun to imagine what a few of their song lyrics might have been if they had been Mormons. Here are three of my attempts. If you feel so inclined, please feel free to add yours in the comments.

Here Comes the Son

Here comes the Son, here comes the Son
And I say He’s the light.

In Fun, Satan

Are you ready for four times as much Satan?

Ziff7 April 20195 Comments

President Nelson said in Priesthood Session last night that Satan is quadrupling his efforts against LDS members. But what exactly does this mean? I have some theories.

In addition to riding on and controlling the waters, Satan now also controls three additional liquids: chocolate milk, mercury, and blood. Missionaries will be prohibited to consume, swim in, or ride in a boat on any of these.
Satan now leads away four thirds of the host of heaven rather than merely one. This requires him to lead some stubborn host members away more than once. (The fact that he has to do this explains why any host members remained on God’s side at all.)

In Fun

Prepentance

Ziff1 April 20191 April 20191 Comment

ZD is pleased to share the following press release from the Mormon Newsroom. The release is scheduled to be run immediately following General Conference, but it has been leaked to us on an exclusive basis by the Three Nephites.

After President Nelson’s inspired announcement of the Church’s move from a focus on repentance, which looks backward at sins that have already been committed, to a focus on prepentance, which looks forward at sins that have not yet been committed, he has directed that the creation of the following FAQ about prepentance.

Q: How can I know what things to prepent of, if I haven’t committed the sins yet?

In Fun

The Most Correct of Any Valentines on Earth

Ziff12 February 201912 February 20196 Comments

In Fun

Mormon Titles, Very Slightly Revised

Ziff24 January 201924 January 201911 Comments

I’ve seen threads on Reddit where people slightly alter movie titles to completely change what the story is about. I thought this might be an entertaining thing to try with some Mormon-related book and movie titles. This post has my attempts. Please add yours in the comments if you are willing.

The Work and the Gory — This series tells a dramatized version of early Mormon history, with special focus on the Danites.

In Fun

Nacle Notebook 2018: Funniest Comments

Ziff13 January 201913 January 20197 Comments

This post is my annual compilation of the funniest comments I read on the Bloggernacle last year. In case you missed them, here are links to compilations from past years: 2017 2016 2015 2014 2013 2012 2011 2010 2009 2008.

Most of what I’m quoting here is excerpted from longer comments or posts. I’ve made the commenters’ names links that point back to the original source in case you want to read more. I’ve put the comments in roughly chronological order.

Em, in her post “Mercia Second Ward” at the Exponent:

Recently a remarkable cache of documents has been discovered that shows just how much medieval saints resembled modern day wards! . . . . The moment [the ward librarian’s] back was turned some breezy teacher would waltz in to make a few copies, ignoring the “library demons only” sign on the scriptorium and wouldn’t you know it, the parchment would get stuck or start unravelling uncontrollably. Oh look, there it goes again. “This is so typical,” she thought as she heaved a giant tome of “church illustrations volume 7” onto the checkout desk. “At least I get to miss Sunday school and talk with my friend.” Despite its drawbacks, the Ward Librarian was a plum job even back then.

In Christmas, Fun

The Night Before Smithsmas

Ziff22 December 20182 Comments

Twas the night before Smithsmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The manuscript sat on the table with care,
In hopes that the translator soon would be there;

The children were nestled all snug in their beds;
While visions of stick pulling danced in their heads;
And mama in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon, it was casting a pillar of light,
And I shielded my eyes from the heavenly bright
When what to my wondering eyes did appear,
But a self-propelled sleigh with four men drawing near

In Fun, General Conference

Two Is the New Three

Ziff8 October 20184 Comments

In a special press conference, President Russell M. Nelson announced a series of changes in the Church related to the shortening of its Sunday meeting schedule from three hours to two, which had been announced in this last weekend’s General Conference:

The afterlife now includes only two kingdoms: Celestial and Telestial. “We considered keeping Terrestrial, since it has the benefit of being an actual recognized word,” he explained, “but as I read the description of this kingdom in Doctrine and Covenants 76, it was impressed upon my mind that the Lord’s will is that any so-called ‘honorable men of the earth’ who can’t manage to see through the subtle craftiness of men be grouped with the wicked in the Telestial Kingdom.”
The triple combination has been renamed the double combination, with the de-canonization of the Pearl of Great Price. President Nelson noted that although the Pearl of Great Price contains “some inspired writings,” it may also be misleading, for example, in that the Articles of Faith purport to summarize the Church’s key beliefs, but make no mention of the importance of heterosexual marriage or of God’s eternal hatred of gay and transgender people.

In Fun, Scripture

Book of Mormon Stories that Get a Chuckle Out of Me

Ziff18 September 201812 Comments

I suspect I’m not alone in generally thinking the Book of Mormon isn’t particularly funny. But I must admit that there are a few passages that usually make me chuckle.

In Mosiah 11, Abinadi has to flee for his life after condemning the wickedness of King Noah and his people. At the beginning of the next chapter, he returns in disguise, and the first words out of his mouth are: “Thus has the Lord commanded me, saying—Abinadi . . .” So he had carefully put together his disguise so he could sneak in among Noah’s people without being recognized, and then in just one line, he blows it all. I imagine him saying that and then thinking D’oh! Should’ve used a pseudonym!