This post is my annual compilation of the funniest comments I read on the Bloggernacle last year. In case you missed them, here are my compilations from previous years: 2015 2014 2013 2012 2011 2010 2009 2008.
Most of the comments I’m quoting here are excerpted from longer comments (or posts). I’ve made the name of each person being quoted a link so you can always click through and read the entire comment or post. The comments are in roughly chronological order.
Michael Austin, in his post “Abrahamic Tests” at BCC:
If somebody has some brass plates that God wants or needs, He can do His own smiting. He knows how. He’s done it lots of times. I don’t smite.
petebusche, commenting on Michael Austin’s post:
“Smiter, no smiting!”
A Happy Hubby, commenting on Thomas Hatton’s post “A New Member’s Guide to Ward/Branch Callings” at Rational Faiths:
[Objecting to the OP’s likening of being a nursery leader to velociraptor training.]
Velociraptor’s are nearly germ free when compared to Nursery attendees. They may squeal, but they don’t cry for the entire 2nd and 3rd hours.
Scott B., in his post “Stuff I’d Buy If I Won The Lottery, Ranked” at BCC:
Finally get that original McNaughton I’ve been eyeing for the Ward foyer
Comments on Scott B.’s post:
Would they really return your tithing money post lottery win or is this another Mormon myth? Windfall vs. Windows of Heaven. Think of the missionary opportunities before the camera explaining who exactly the winners known as the “Ward Council of Salt Lake City 298th Ward of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints” is.
If they won’t take your tithing on the winnings, you could establish the Steve Evans School of Curelom and Cumom Studies at BYU.
Ziff (forgive me for tooting my own horn this time), in his post “Correlated Cards for Valentine’s Day” at ZD:
Casey, in his post “Rejected Millennial Star Posts” at Expert Textperts:
– Women Don’t Even Need Authority
– The Mormon Case for Flogging Children
– Hate the Sinner, Who is a Sinner
– You’d Be Surprised How Many Women Joseph Didn’t Have Sex With
it’s a series of tubes, commenting on Kevin Barney’s post “Five Pillars” at BCC:
[Quoting and responding to another commenter]
“is it the fact that this man was a Muslin that causes the concern?”
Yes, fabric men are even worse than straw men.
madhousewife, commenting on Angela C’s post “The Book of Mormon and the Bechdel Test” at BCC:
If Sariah’s a whiner, so is Lehi, and so is Nephi, for that matter, for all the complaining he does about everyone else’s whining.
Em, in her post “Dear Sister Sassy: Planning a Heterosexual Baptism” at the Exponent:
Remember to avoid the appearance of evil. Having two men in suits stand side by side near the font can look suspiciously like you’re holding a gay wedding. When the person conducting calls the two witnesses forward, have him announce that they are not and never have been sexually involved with one another. (Check that this is so beforehand).
john willis, commenting on Ardis E. Parshall’s post “Thanks, Richard” at Keepapitchinin:
I once went into a Barnes and Noble to buy a copy of Rough Stone Rolling for a friend. I asked the clerk if she had a copy and she replied that it must be about Mick Jagger and the Rolling Stones. I told her not exactly.
Joni, commenting on Guy Templeton’s post “Bending over Backwards for Baptism” at W&T:
Why does our *hair* have to be fully immersed? Hair is dead!
Paul Barker, in his post “Mormon Newswire: Church to Combine Ex-Communication Vigils” at Rational Faiths:
It has come to our attention that when a person is called in for a disciplinary court, or “court of love,” vigils and press conferences are being held that bring a lot of attention to the individual. The frequency of these vigils are overwhelming our building’s parking limits, bathroom capacity, muffin supply, and also firecodes. As excommunications have increased and in order to not miss the true meaning of the court of love, the church will now ask to combine all disciplinary courts and their respective vigils and press conferences into a once a month occurrence. In doing so we can keep our focus on the true meaning and spirit of the disciplinary court instead of the individual.
Last Lemming, commenting on Dave Banack’s post “LDS.org Has a Blog?” at T&S:
[Suggesting a name for the lds.org blog]
Under the Bushel
Mike, commenting on Guy Templeton’s post “Herd Baptisms in Utah” at W&T:
Save water. That is what they told me.
Maybe sprinkling is next. Drip system, I don’t know.
Comments on Kevin Barney’s post “Pluralizing The Book of Mormon” at BCC:
[Critiquing the “Books of Mormon” strategy]
Try it with other books and see how weird it is:
To Kill a Mockingbirds
Moby-Dicks (Mobies Dick?)
Catcher in the Ryes (Catchers in the Rye?)
The Name of the Roses (The Names of the Rose?)
The Count of Monte Cristoes
The Great Gatsbies
Tinker Tailor Soldier Spies (Tinkers Tailors Soldiers Spies?)
Don Quixotes (Dons Quixote?)
Shorten it to BoM, pronounced “BoM”, and pluralize it as BoMs. As long as the FBI isn’t listening.
I was a student at BYU around the time when “Another Testament of Jesus Christ” was added to the title. There was a brief time when the Daily Universe made some weird editorial policy never to refer to the “Book of Mormon.” It always had to be “The Book of Mormon–Another Testament of Jesus Christ.” On every. Single. Reference. Don’t ask me how they would have pluralized it. The Books of Mormon–More Testaments of Jesus Christ? The Book of Mormon–Another Testament of Jesus Christs? The Books of Mormons–Anothers Testaments of Jesuses Christs? Copies of the Book of Mormon–Another Testament of Jesus Christ, An Account written by The Hand of Mormon upon plates taken from the Plates of Nephi?
How about Binders full of Mormons?
Kristine A, commenting on Andrew S’s post “There are no homosexual members of the church” at W&T:
I know that Bednar’s the Trump of the 12.
Rebecca J, in her post “Does the thought make reason stare?” at BCC:
[Questions she asked herself about Heavenly Mother]
Why shouldn’t we pray to Her? Was she having a Mom’s Day Out (where a day is as ten thousand years)? Was she too busy tidying up Kolob?
Comments on Michael Austin’s post ““Brother,” “Sister,” Thee,” and “Thou”: We’re Doing it All Wrong” at BCC:
We’ve got another gentleman in the ward who is a former bishop. I can see the look of panic on his face whenever somebody actually calls him Bishop, like he’s about to get hit by a bus full of tourists on their way to Wendover.
I prefer people not to micromanage my prayer. If I were given a requirement to use “formal prayer language,” I might just assume they wanted me to use the formal “you” instead of the familiar “thou.” By the time they realized that they might not have given quite the instructions they thought, it would be too late.
Try getting the choir to sing a chorus of “How Great You Are.” It just doesn’t sound the same.
Owen, commenting on Dave Banack’s post “An Americanized Gospel” at T&S:
In Finland, members have long rebelled against calling missionaries “elder”, often calling them “brother” instead because the word for elder sounds so weird and culturally distant. It’s also always been unfortunate that the word the church chose for “companion” also means “comrade” in the Communist sense!
anon nona, commenting on BHodges’s post “I try to be politically correct. And I’m Mormon.” at BCC:
Political correctness is being used by the liberal progressives /social justice warriors to shame and bully and cause loss of employment to people who do not hold a liberal progressive facist marxist viewpoint.
EBK, commenting on hawkgrrrl’s post “The Mormon Urge to Glurge” at W&T:
Years ago I worked in a medical billing office. One of the things that we did was go through all the accounts that had a credit balance and figure out why. Many times it was because a patient had overpaid, so we would send them a refund check. I had a coworker who used to call it, “mailing out tithing blessings.”
hawkgrrrl, commenting on Kristine A’s post “Does God Agree With Your Politics?” at W&T:
I don’t know whether God’s apolitical, but for damn sure he’s not in the Tea Party.
Michael, commenting on Michael Austin’s post “Was King Benjamin a Socialist? #BOM2016” at BCC:
I had a roommate in Provo who cited King Benjamin when I came home from work and found him helping himself to my groceries. Said it was my duty to feed him, because he wasn’t going to get paid from his telemarketing job for another two days.
Comments on Jessie Jensen’s post “Mormons name their kids the darnedest things: Born in 2015 edition” at BCC:
I was dropping my daughter off for nursery and there was a visitor. Sayden. Yeah. “This is my son Satan!”
I would never hire an attorney named Torrick, though I’d consider calling one as a General Authority.
My cousin has a son named Knight, his older brother is Cannan (Cannon) when she was expecting twins after Cannan, I suggested Smith and Wesson.
True: I ran into a 19th century “Josephina Brighamina” in Sevier County.
Wishful: I want to run into her gr-gr-granddaughter, who I imagine is named Josephina Brighamina Johanna Wilfordina Lorenzina Josepha Heberna Georgina Davita Josephetta Haroldina Spencerina Ezretta Howardette Gordonina Thomasina.
I dated a girl named Helix. Cool gal. Her dad is a doctor. No, she doesn’t have a twin, she’s a single Helix. But, Helix had girl cousins named after the four amino acids that make up DNA – Cytosine, Guanine, Adenine, and Thymine. Not LDS, but still living in the Jello Belt.
At my house WTF means With Total Faith.
I’m having a hard enough time as it is trying to convince my non-Mormon friends and neighbors that we aren’t a cult (…anymore). It doesn’t help when my daughter’s best friend has a name that looks like a composite of 5 names and all the vowels were replaced with Y.
[Sharing a comment about her post that she read on Facebook.]
I’m picturing unfortunate pick-up lines in this girl’s adulthood. ‘Rexalyn? Girl, you over the counter or do I need to call a doctor for a prescription?!’
Kristine A, in her post “April 2016 #LDSconf Tweetables” at W&T:
I grew up w family council where we decided if you didn’t do your bathroom chores you had to sleep in the tub
Comments on the open thread “April 2016 General Conference Saturday” at fMh:
E. Stevenson says without keys a car is just metal and plastic, and the analogy is being lost on me because I keep thinking “does he know about hot wiring?”
Just once, I’d like the “signal from the conductor” to involve jazz hands. Just once.
Elder Rasband is testifying that the prophets can warn us against the dangers we face in our everyday lives, like casual Sunday observance and questioning “revelations.” When he said everyday dangers, I was thinking scary drivers and stepping on Legos.
Martine, commenting on Steve Evans’s post “Belgian Theodicy” at BCC:
Every missionary who dies in service was “needed on the other side and will continue their service there.” Are there not enough dead Mormons already to accomplish that service?
larryco_, commenting on Scott B.’s post “Things About Candy That Make Me Mad, Ranked” at BCC:
Mars bars that are actually from Venus
Milky Way bars that are actually Andromeda Bars
Baby Ruth bars that are actually Louie Gehrig bars
…it’s all ’bout truth in advertising.
Heather, in her post “A Defense of Swearing? Hells ya!” at the Exponent:
About a month ago a good friend let her kids have it. They were screaming and fighting and she reached her limit and told them they were acting like “little sh*ts.” They all froze in place. The youngest got teary and said, “Mom, you said a BAD word!” and she replied, “Sweetheart, I swear because I care.”
Aimee, commenting on Heather’s post:
A few years ago I was just finishing a long drive as a solo parent with my 3 yo and 4 month old in tow. We were in the last 30 minutes of our drive after having just stopped for a chocolate shake and bathroom break at Wendy’s when my 3 yo announced that he had to use the bathroom again. I told him we were almost home and he could make it. His urgency seemed to wane and soon we were pulling in. When I opened the back door I was greeted by my urine soaked 3 yo who was also covered neck to knees in spilled chocolate shake. With eyes as earnest as a puppy and a sneaking grin as devilish as it was delightful, he looked right at my face and in his toddler boy voice simply said “dammit.” His mastery of the purpose of swearing in that moment was simultaneously one of the lowest and proudest parenting moments of my life.
Jeff G, commenting on John C.’s post “Variable fallibilities and church leadership” at BCC:
[Responding to the question of whether a burrito is a sandwich]
“Burrito” is a modern, ideological construct foisted upon us by multi-cultural academics with the explicit aim of undermining our true faith in sandwiches. Those who conflate the two are very dangerous since they reinforce the illusion that we can eat and enjoy burritos without thereby undermining the truth of sandwiches…. Duh!
Josh Smith, commenting on BHodges’s post “The best way to prove people who leave the Church wrong” at BCC:
[After explaining why he left the Church]
Oh, and I left because my bishop gave me a gallon of milk and said it was whole milk but it was really 2%. … And I wanted to sin. I left in order to drink coffee and I was mad about milk. 🙂
Elder Anderson, commenting on Nate’s post “What is Evil?” at W&T:
[Responding to another commenter who had brought up Satan’s plan]
That’s not Satan’s plan. Satan’s plan is just when I’m old enough to retire and enjoy a quiet relaxing life on a tropical island, all my parts start falling off, and the kids are asking to borrow money and talking about putting me in a home.
MTodd, commenting on Ziff’s post “Why do Church leaders dislike the internet?” at ZD:
[On the Church not being good at taking feedback]
For example, my wife has been complaining since she was endowed some 17 years ago, that her garments don’t fit. If there had been a “Feedback” button that’s monitored (actually not just monitored but where it’s analyzed and reported on) garments would have changed years ago. Instead, my wife ends up laughing at the Ensign press release, “The latest design makes use of a new sizing system based on actual body measurements in inches.” Her response, “What were they using before?!? Elephants?”
Heber13, commenting on Guy Templeton’s post “Teachers who don’t Teach” at W&T:
keys to “ministering of angels” for these high schoolers?? Not likely. Unless angels like playing dodge ball on Wed night.
larryco_, commenting on Scott B.’s post “Councils, Ranked” at BCC:
Council Bluffs, which I believe was the name of a really great series of poker games.
John Mansfield, commenting on Kyle M’s post “A quick note to the new Newsroom” at BCC:
LDS blog writers have the sort of relationship with Public Affairs that normal members have with Facilities Management.
Brother Sky, commenting on the guest post “Are Mormons Happy?” at W&T:
I’m not really up for being a God/some other kind of celestial being since I have no idea what that looks like. On the other side, I just want to be able to read some good books, play in a really good band and eat pie without getting fat.
hawkgrrrl, in her post “Emotional Labor” at W&T:
Slander and falsehoods, as well as tattling, should be discouraged for the anti-social behavior they are. [Footnote: Unless you are the Honor Code Office in which case they are mother’s milk to you.]
ajb, commenting on Lisa Torcasso Downing’s post “No Man is “Trash”” at BCC:
If our church is to continue to become more and more exclusive then why do we allow overweight people into the temple? Are you not defiling your “temple” by eating unhealthy foods that are so prevalent in our culture? The church needs to crack down more heavily on those who are violating their bodies. They should put a policy in the administrative handbook covering that as well. Also children of overweight parents must disavow gluttony before they can be baptized.
nrc42, commenting on Theric’s post “Mother’s Day 2014 -2016” at BCC:
I think open ended subjects are great in theory, but some speakers just go crazy. I was in a Christmas meeting once where the speakers were instructed to give Christmas talks as directed by the Spirit, and one guy decided to talk for half an hour about the conception of Jesus via physical intercourse with God. Good times.
Julie M. Smith in her post “Keeping Our Boys Safe” at T&S:
I am a mother of three boys, so of course the prospect of them being assaulted with false accusations hits close to home. Here are some things that we can begin teaching our boys to prepare them to live in a world where their purity is constantly threatened by predators:
Do not walk alone at night. They should always be sure to go with a group after dark (to the library, to and from work, etc.). It is entirely possible that a woman could jump out of the bushes and assault them with false accusations any time they are alone at night and they would be completely defenseless. There is safety in numbers. . . .
Understand that the clothing they wear sends a message. Girls react differently to clothing than boys do. Boys should be sure that they don’t wear anything which sends the message that they want girls to make false accusations against them.
Michael Austin, in his post “Standing, or Something” at BCC:
Rumor has it that BYU-Idaho students are having a hard time with the unwritten order of things—particular the unwritten rules about when to stand and when to stay seated. . . . Always eager to be part of the solution, we offer the students and faculty of BYU Idaho the following guidelines for greeting dignitaries, famous people, and other muckety-mucks, both ecclesiastical and worldly:
- Male Osmonds: Clap enthusiastically. Women are not required to throw undergarments on the stage, but, if thrown, they should be modest undergarments in their original wrapping, purchased especially for this purpose. Under no circumstances should male students throw underwear.
- Tyler Glenn: Stand in unity and turn your back to stage. Produce a bell, a book, and a candle and say, fiat, fiat, fiat while ringing the bell and closing the book. Seek the guidance of the spirit about the candle.
- Members of the Quorum of the 12: Enthusiastically rise to your feet and shout their full name (with middle initial) in repetitive cycles, adding the preposition “yo” for emphasis when appropriate. When seated, begin doing “the wave” after 30 seconds of introduction.
Comments on Michael Austin’s post:
22 years ago I was at a fireside at the LDS Institute at what was then Utah Valley Community College. The speaker was one of the 70. When he entered the chapel everyone stood up. The person sitting next to me quipped, “Well, its a junior college so I guess that we can stand for a junior general authority.”
You see how without the presence of Elder Packer the Unwritten Order just goes out the window? It was his superpower….. He leaves and people start standing for women?? Madness.
[Another commenter said that men can only remove their suit coats if the presiding authority okays it.]
Little known equivalent rule: women may remove their hosiery if the presiding authority removes his suit jacket.
So if the 1st Presidency and the RS Gen. Presidency walk into a room together, do we stand, sit, or do some kind of half squat?
What about if Lindsey Stirling came in with them? If we have to turn around and squat it’ll look like we’re trying to moon them all.
Ok, how about if there was a 12, a 70, a 1st pres, a rsgp, tyler glen… would it be kind of like a gangnam style horse dance?
EBK, commenting on Kristine A’s post “If You Stand for Nothing….” at W&T:
[Responding to another commenter who complained that the post was a wasted of time, and suggested that Kristine A blog about “home storage.”]
What are the best methods for storing my home?
Comments on Ziff’s post “Abdicating Authority to the Algorithms” at ZD:
In our house, whoever cheats and takes a bite of dinner before the prayer, is then the self-designated pray-er. And as my boys are fairly young, there’s always a cheater. No priesthood necessary.
When my wife and I first got married, couple prayer was often preceeded by, “I said it last night!” “No I said it. Remember I prayed that God would smite my enemies.” “That was two nights ago.” “Yeah but we didn’t say prayers last night because you fell asleep while I was watching Simpsons reruns.” “Hmm…”
it’s a series of tubes, commenting on Ashmae’s post “#TexturesofMormonism” at BCC:
The BOM peoples used sisal to make rope; I hear Alma and Amulek were bound with it. Today, LDS people are bound in endless meetings in buildings lined with sisal. It’s part of the restoration of all things.
Maybee, commenting on Guy Templeton’s post “Inspiring Tithing Lesson?” at W&T:
Every year I’ve had a baby during tithing settlement, I tell the Bishop that I’ve got 10% of my baby’s diapers out in the car. I want to be square and honest and we need to settle up.
And I assure him that no, it’s not net. It’s gross.
Josh Smith, commenting on Mary Ann’s post “Faith Transition vs Something Else” at W&T:
I’ve never heard of a “cut Mormon.” Jinkies!
I bet they’re more manageable, more well-behaved.
I guess if you insist, we’ll have to start the Gelders Quorum.?
Josh Smith again, later on the same thread:
[Commenting on a German word another commenter brought up as meaning “loss of faith”]
Glaubensverlust is a mouthful. I bet in German it means “I’m offended and want to sin.” bahahaha. Just kidding.
TopHat, in her post “What do Wedding Vows Mean Anyway?” at the Exponent:
Really, marriage vows meant nothing to me. You can write your own vows to say whatever you want, but in the end, the courts aren’t going to uphold them like a contract:
“You promised me you’d raise goats with me, but then took that job in that city that doesn’t allow residents to have them! This marriage is over!”
JT, commenting on Scott B.’s post “Rough Draft Commandments, Ranked” at BCC:
Does blessing one’s vegetables, fruit, and whole grains really require divine intervention? That is not a prayer of faith. But calling down the powers of heaven to bless one’s Double Stuf Oreos to the tune of bodily strength and nourishment? Now that is a prayer of faith.
Mary II, commenting on Thunderchicken’s post “Dear fMh – Priesthood Lessons” at fMh:
Well…“How do women (jargon for Mormon women) and priesthood holders (jargon for Mormon men) work together to build the kingdom of God (jargon for increasing the membership rolls)?”
How about a lesson on the birds and the bees? ?
Last Lemming, commenting on Stephen R. Marsh’s post “Why didn’t anyone tell me – about the eye of the needle?” at W&T:
[Responding to another commenter who said Jesus wouldn’t approve of tithing because it’s a flat percentage, and therefore hits poor people the hardest]
Well, Jesus certainly approved of the widow’s contribution of two mites. Or do you think her income exceeded 20 mites, making her less than a full tithepayer?
Pete, commenting on Dani Addante’s post “Two Heads of Household” at the Exponent:
[Responding to another commenter who argued that men must preside because of their physical strength]
So who presides and leads in High Priest Group or Elders Quorum? In Stake High Council meetings? By your logic, it should be the physically strongest. Or maybe the richest, or the tallest, or the one who can dunk the most basketballs. Or is by comparing genital girth? The one with the hairiest back? Is that how things work in your ward? Please enlighten me.
Dave Banack, commenting on his own post ““Come Back” — with some thoughts on why they left in the first place” at T&S:
Plainly, the “all or nothing” position has become counterproductive if the goal is to keep people actively attending church. But it is hard to think of a specific alternative that would not make the problem worse (“Yes, bishop, we’d like to downgrade to the bronze membership this year, with 4% tithing and one meeting per month”).
Kimberly, commenting on her own post “Letting the Genie Out of the Bottle: Masturbation” at fMh:
[On the idea that masturbating makes you gay]
I’ve been at it since age 12 and I am still heterosexual. I must be doing it wrong.
M. Todd, commenting on Steve Evans’s post “Nov 5” at BCC:
Overheard in my living room (teenage son with friend): “I mean I like boys. And I like girls. And I really like ravioli.”
Friend’s response: “I’m with you man. Especially on the ravioli.”
Comments on Jonathan Green’s post “Don’t free BYU” at T&S:
What kind of a God would want a person who has given up thier [virtue] by leaving the church? It’s kind of like pounding a nail into a board. The atonement can rip that sucker out of there, but there will always be a jagged hole where the nail used to be… Or maybe the board is BYU and the nails are people who leave the church. I don’t know. Analogies are hard.
Religious freedom doesn’t mean any particular commenter here has to marry either an evangelical Christian or a Satanist. (Or both?) Or even take them to dinner. Or invite them to parties. Or pay for their piano lessons.
Phryne, commenting on Kimberly’s post “Letting the Genie Out of the Bottle: Protection” at fMh:
[Guessing at what the abbreviation “LoC” stands for]
Lack of consummation
Law of clitoris
Lack of clitoris
Law of communication
Lack of communication
Lack of commandments
…So many possibilities.
Heber13, commenting on Guy Templeton’s post “Running Out of Temple Names?” at W&T:
What if we use fictitious names and get the work done for lots of available souls (that is still proxy work), and the after world missionaries can line those up in shopping center like building shelves with golden paved roads, and as the souls on the other side are ready, they can go pick from available proxy work completed in our temples and get in line on that side of the veil and have it assigned to them? Push the lines to their side.
Why do we have to do all the figuring out? They can do some temple work too.
Mormon Heretic, commenting on Guy Templeton’s post “Prophets Among Us?” at W&T:
Apparently some think D&C 4:7 says “Don’t ask, and ye shall receive. Don’t knock, and it shall be opened to you anyway. Amen.”
keepapitchinin, commenting on Steve Evans’s post “Campus Rape: What’s Left Unsaid” at BCC:
[Responding to another commenter who suggested that only rule-breaking women were raped at BYU]
Bad things happen only to bad people. The rain falls only on the unjust. The people at Haun’s Mill, especially the little boys, were notoriously wicked. And don’t even get me started on Jesus.
XFXMXH, commenting on Kimberly’s post “Letting the Genie Out of the Bottle: Sexual Adventures” at fMh:
[Responding to another commenter who said that only a rare bishop would be okay with a couple practicing BDSM]
Are you sure you understand what BDSM is. If you’re involving your Bishop, that’s a threesome, and that’s completely inappropriate for a Covenant Keeping Mormon
John Lundwall, commenting on Dave Banack’s post “Classroom Discussion: Productive or Not?” at T&S:
Some teachers are not prepared but like to talk anyway. Some have not read the lesson. Some have read the lesson but do not know how to teach. Some teach but do not teach the lesson. Some ask ridiculous questions followed up by ridiculous discussions. Some teachers are good teachers, but the class members are petrified wood. Some teachers are great teachers, and they are released for simply being great. Dear God, in this mess, what is one to do?
EOR, commenting on Angela C’s post “Early Morning Seminary and Sleep Deprivation” at BCC:
Now, almost 20 years later, I realize that Seminary . . . genuinely taught me nothing other than the fact that the teachers don’t like it when you say the Liahona looks like the Wonk-evator and sing the ending theme to Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory.
Steve Evans, in his post “The Laundry List” at BCC:
[His list of suggestions for changes he would like to see in the Church]
Add “#NeverTrump” to the political neutrality statement this year.
Comments on Steve’s post:
Stop Trek and anything else that would be prohibited if you were treating POWs that way under the Geneva Convention. On [reinterpreting the Word of Wisdom], make it clear that failing to take ALL your antibiotics correctly will result in being disfellowshipped or excommunicated, as you clearly wish death and plague upon mankind.
[Responding to Steve’s suggestion that the Church buy the Utah Jazz]
Buy the [New Orleans] Saints. Move them to Utah. Put an Angel Moroni on the helmet.
buy the [Cleveland] Browns. The mascot can be “Hugh Bee.” .
Allow wards to trade their members like sports franchises. Trades can be proposed by ward council but must be sustained by membership.
2-5 year pope and prophet cultural/ study abroad exchange. We take Pope Francis, they can borrow President Monson. It would be a Sabbatical for them. (You want many of the things on this list, right? Pope Francis would turn City Creek into a shelter with showers for the homeless, talk about gun violence, current events and the environment in general conference, remove the Pox and pardon Kate Kelly.)
Have temple sessions for those that are seasoned and can do without some of the repetition (ie I don’t need to be instructed on the veil, I know what I’m doing).
[Brackets in original]
for me, the current endowment is way too long. My husband always falls asleep and since we are seated on opposite sides of the room, I can’t nudge or kick him back into consciousness.
Peter Priesthood and Molly Mormon, in a post “An Open Letter to the General Primary Presidency” at Rational Faiths:
[Suggestions for applying For the Strength of Youth dating guidelines to primary-aged children]
- Make sure to begin applying that principle now: no one-on-one conversations with anyone of the opposite sex. If your desks in school are in groups of two, ask the teacher to pair you with a member of the same sex.
- No play-dates with the opposite sex. A date is a date.
MikeInWeHo, commenting on Michael Austin’s post “How Mormons Could Matter: The Machiavellian Case for Dumping Trump” at BCC:
[Responding to another commenter who said the US Presidential election was “like a choice between Zika and Ebola”]
So Trump must be Zika. From the look of his rallies, there is a correlation between his presence and an terrifying increase in microcephaly.
APM, commenting on Scott B.’s post “The Warld has Turned and Left Me Here” at BCC:
There are way, way worse places to be than in a ward full of graduate students.* Reach out to the new people in your ward! They’re going to be interesting! I’d kill† to be in a ward like that.
(* Well, maybe not dental students. They’re the most boring people in the universe. Search your feelings, dentists: you know it to be true.)
(† Maybe not a human being or even something sentient, but definitely a large insect of some sort. Yeah.)
Thokozile, commenting on Ziff’s post “Random Memories of Growing Up a Neurotic Mormon” at ZD:
The obsession with modesty combined with the nagging awareness that God can always see you was weird to me. I remember changing from my clothes into my pajamas as quickly as possible to minimize the time my skin was exposed
Left Field, commenting on Guy Templeton’s post “Need Men or Priesthood?” at W&T:
So what exactly am I supposed to do while I’m there protecting the sisters? Beat the intruder with sporting equipment? Or just call the cops? Because using a cell phone requires the priesthood.
Brother Sky, commenting on hawkgrrrl’s post “What Is Religious Freedom?” at W&T:
Isn’t Jesus the ultimate invisible hand of the spiritual marketplace?
Jeff K., commenting on Dani Addante’s post “Guest Post: Break Tradition in Family Prayer” at the Exponent:
In our family we roll a die to decide who prays. Visitors sometimes raise an eyebrow but we figure if casting lots was good enough for Lehi’s sons then it’s good enough for us too.
Andy, commenting on wheatmeister’s post “Shaking Hands” at W&T:
If I were Satan, I would appear to Mormons holding a prop in my right hand to discourage the person from shaking hands. A drawn or flaming sword might be an effective choice of prop to use for this trick.
Moss, commenting on Sara Katherine Staheli Hanks’s post “MoFems in 2016: What do you believe about Heavenly Mother?” at fMh:
I think She’s got a time-intensive career and a demanding calling, like a dentist and a Stake President, and that is why we kids never see Her. We’re home with our stay-at-galaxy Dad who does all the nurturing.
Dave K, commenting on Scott B.’s post “U2 Albums, Ranked” at BCC:
Endless and eternal are my creations. Yeah, they exceed the sands of the sea. Yeah, they exceed the times Bono sings ‘Baby’ in ‘Ultraviolet.’
Rebecca J, in her post “You’ve given this program a bad name” at BCC:
once upon a time the program was called “Achievement Days.” . . . . I remember because at some point I noticed that people were now calling it “Activity Days,” and I couldn’t help wondering what the crap was wrong with “Achievement Days.” Was the word “achievement” too ambitious for a program geared toward girls? Too Girl Scout-esque? Too achieve-y? Were our female Valiants getting uppity notions about all their “achievements”?
Comments on Rebecca J‘s post:
In the tradition of HFPE, how about GOETAWS? Girls Old Enough To Attend Women’s Session.
I have a proposal for a new program name: ACTIVIA, which is short for “Active Olivia,” which is meant to specifically target the 56% of young women in the Church who are named Olivia. You would be all but guaranteed this huge segment of YW. Decades from now, when the program is no longer needed, ACTIVIA could be revamped as the senior missionary program.
Lords of Creation, and the walking pornography assigned to bake them cookies.
Call them the Jesus Busters. They will have amazing jumpsuits and will do good world wide in Jesus name.
Widow’s Mites (to reflect their budget)
we can give honor to the prophetess Deborah and call them Little Debbie’s.
hawkgrrrl, in her post “Personal Boundaries & Religious Hostile Environment Laws” at W&T:
My visiting teachers had given me a calendar with pictures of religious art – little cherubs mostly. It’s not my cup of tea, but I needed a calendar, so I hung it up at my desk. There were two complaints made about it: 1) someone said I had put up a religious shrine at my desk, 2) someone complained about the cherub nudity. So I had the distinction of being accused of being both a religious fanatic and a heathen all due to the same calendar. Both complaints were deemed specious (according to the statute, having a shrine at your desk doesn’t constitute religious hostile environment and could be seen as religious accommodation), but an anonymous co-worker defaced the calendar by drawing little black shorts on the cherubs.
KLC, commenting on Karen H.’s post “A Loveletter to BCC’s Single Readers” at BCC:
Here is a complete talk that repeatedly calls to repentance all older single men . . . . to finish the talk President Benson quotes Lehi and tells all of us losers to “Arise from the dust and be men.” You haven’t lived until you sit in general conference and hear the prophet of god call you a wuss.
Jana Riess, in her post “7 dating tips for Mormon women, helpfully mansplained for you” at Flunking Sainthood:
[Quoting and responding to another blogger who had offered dating tips for Mormon women]
It is very important to remain a virgin. A virgin makes a better wife and better mother.
Mic drop. Bar = raised. Apparently it is not enough to stay a virgin when you are single; you also have to remain one while you are a wife and mother.
So to your long list of things to do today, be sure to add “Ask Mary about secret of parthenogenesis.”
Comments on Sam Brunson’s post “The Halloween Parent Tax” at BCC:
I “liberally” tax since in my house we have free universal care. All of my kids are covered in my (company provided/subsidized) dental plan and I cover all deductibles. That is how I rationalize it.
I think I’ve been robbed in tithes. I am certainly not getting the first fruits, nor the firstlings of the flock. Basically, I beg for a Twix or Twizzler, and instead I get the rejected Almond Joys (fine), Peanut Chews & Bit-O-Honeys (where on earth have these kids even been?) and taffy (vile).
If you’ve got a pile of brand name Halloween candy, you didn’t build that. Somebody else made it possible for you.
For what man among you having twelve sons, and is no respecter of them, and they trick or treat obediently, and he saith unto the one: Be thou filled with Reeses, Butterfingers and Peanut M&Ms; and to the other: Be thou filled with those weird orange and black taffy things or Bit-o-honey—and looketh upon his sons and saith I am just?
Rebecca J, commenting on PeterLLC’s post “Poll: Authoritarianism at Home” at BCC:
I’ve managed to raise children who are neither obedient nor self-reliant. This is probably because I’m an anarcho-communist.
Rebecca J, in her post “How (not) to plan a missionary activity” at BCC:
For those of you who don’t know what Trunk or Treat is, it’s when a bunch of adults park their cars in one place on Halloween and lure children to their trunks with candy. It’s actually pretty messed up, when you think about it.
Dave K, commenting on Rebecca J’s post:
Here’s a fun recommendation: encourage all the youth to dress up like missionaries for their costumes. That way non-members will never see it coming when they get corned by the *real* missionaries and given a BOM.
MTodd, commenting on Jonathan Cannon’s post “Dressing Wrong for Church” at Rational Faiths:
I was wearing a white shirt once when a high councilor commented about the need to wear a white shirt. I have been careful ever since to wear my non-white shirts most Sundays.
Comments on at EmJen’s post “Mothers Who Know: Julie B. Beck and Political Prayer” at BCC:
“And please bless that all those who couldn’t attend this Trump rally will be able to attend the next one. And please bless that all the immodest, liberal women will not throw their ______ at Mr Trump and force him to grab them. And please bless that these refreshments will nourish and strengthen Mr Trump’s stamina. We love Thee Lord and are so very grateful to live in this land which Mr Trump will make great again. In the name of Thy Son, even Jesus Christ, Amen.”
OK , if they vote for Trump, it’s because they’re trying to strong arm Christ into coming NOW.
[Responding to another commenter who said, “I wonder if Ammon got this much flack for serving King Lamoni whom I sure was much worse than Trump.”]
Preposterous. King Lamoni had much more respect for women and he loved people from Latin America.
She was invited to do this because of her position of credibility within the LDS ranks, plain & simple. She wasn’t invited because of her lofty calling of motherhood.
Angela C, in her post, “Why LDS Women Are (Often) Sexist” at BCC:
Discuss, but nicely please, as if you were on a tiny little pedestal and might fall off at any moment.
Mortimer, commenting on Sunshine’s post “Be The Light vs Light The World” at fMh:
because I have been given much I have a lot.
Aaron Brown, commenting on Michael Austin’s post “Index to #BOM2016 Posts” at BCC:
I prayed that an index would be created for this series, and I suspect the power of my prayers is what caused it to happen, no matter whatever illusions of free agency you might entertain.
Joni, commenting on Guy Templeton’s post “Why can’t women be Witnesses?” at W&T:
[Responding to the suggestion that witnesses must be able to perform the ordinance they’re witnessing]
If that were the case, then a temple marriage could only be witnessed by another sealer (or sealers). . . . So, if the sealer keels over with a heart attack in the middle of a marriage, you’ve actually got to call in another sealer (and, presumably, an ambulance).
Wally, commenting on Jonathan Green’s post “Cell phone theology” at T&S:
[Responding to Jonathan’s concern that the limited size of a cell phone screen limits the depth at which we read and think about things]
Could you print this post out and mail it to me?
Mike R., commenting on Ardis E. Parshall’s post “Vain Repetitions: On Rebaptism, Too-Frequent Administrations to the Sick, Etc.” at Keepapitchinin:
I heard from a few different sources in my youth that if you were anointed and blessed when you were sick, the anointing was good until the next time you washed your hair.
Wally, commenting on Ziff’s post “More Christmas Hymns Give Me!” at ZD:
I had a work colleague once whose family came up with their own lyrics to favorite Christmas songs. The only one I remember at this point was “While Shepherds Washed Their Socks by Night.” I’m sure this is probably as historically accurate as the original text.
Comments on PeterLLC’s post “Outsourcing Morality or: Watching Deadpool on VidAngel” at BCC:
A G-rated movie (good) could be made R (bad) by making Queen Elsa drop the F-bomb three times during “Let it Go”.
Seems like VidAngel would have broad appeal! The liberals could edit out the blood and keep the boobs, the conservatives could edit out the boobs and keep the blood, and they could both learn new words to describe each other with (you know with more flavor than “licentious” and “barbaric”, respectively)
Sam Brunson, commenting on his own post “On Fred Karger, Tax Exemptions, and the Mormon Church” at BCC:
[Responding to another commenter who suggested that he was “a brainwashed pawn of the City Creek Cult”]
I’ve been wearing my tin foil tie to church, so I think I escaped the Corporate Mind Control.
Comments on PeterLLC’s post “Please, MoTab, don’t sell your birthright for this mess of pottage” at BCC:
Whatever minimal public relations value this may have is certainly dimmed by the fact that it was announced after two weeks of the press reporting on all of the acts that have refused to play at this inauguration. Rather than, “no presidential inauguration would be complete without the sweet, dulcet tones of America’s Choir,” we’e got, “well, Sean Cassidy said no to a Trump version of Da-Doo-Ron-Ron, and Meat Loaf couldn’t drive across state lines because of his DUIs, so maybe we should ask the Mormons.”
I love the idea of the MoTab singing at the Pres. inauguration as a way to call Trump to repentance! I’m glad someone suggested that this is what is really going on. Will they be holding a big banner letting everyone knowing that’s why they are there?
Andrew S, quoted in Sam Bruson’s post “What Tax Folks (and Kyle) Talk About When They Talk About Tithing” at BCC:
where’s the cottage industry around selling indulge…err, making sure members’ tithes are full & complete?
Brian, commenting on Sam Brunson’s post:
I always assumed “pay on gross” meant to tithe the first $144 you make and that’s it.
Mark B., commenting on PeterLLC’s post “Support for Freedom, Civility and the Peaceful Transition of Power: A Noble Vision, Built on Sand” at BCC:
[On the Mormon Tabernacle Choir singing at Trump’s inauguration]
if they do sing the Battle Hymn of the Republic, they should sing “He has sounded forth the Trump-Pence that shall never call retreat.”
John C., in his post “Nihilist Gospel Doctrine Lesson #1” at BCC:
the introduction [to the D&C manual] calls the voice of Christ “tender but firm.” Is that creepy? I mean, if someone on the street said that, it would be creepy. But this is a church manual; can things in church manuals even be creepy? Doesn’t that violate some law of the conservation of supernality or something?