Nacle Notebook 2015: Funny comments

This post is my annual compilation of the funniest comments I read on the Bloggernacle last year. In case you missed them, here are my compilations from previous years: 2014 2013 2012 2011 2010 2009 2008.

Most of the comments I’m quoting here are excerpted from longer comments (or posts). I’ve made the name of each person being quoted a link so you can always click through and read the entire comment or post. The comments are in roughly chronological order.

Jacob Baker, in his post “Some Choice Mormon Top Ten Lists for 2014” at Rational Faiths:

Top Ten American Mormon Baby Names of 2014:

1. Shaylayleigh
2. Chassisty
3. Sarahemla
4. Zaxtaidentavindyllen
5. Seelestyal Keengduhm
6. Nephisam
7. Lynnlynn
8. Einrand
9. Romneigh
10. Obeedyentt

Honorable Mentions: Wellbeehayved, Moremann, P’rleigh, Traceigh, Leighleigh, RULDS2

Shawn Tucker, in his post “Scholars Crack Joseph’s Bro Code” at Modern Mormon Men:

Scholars working on the Joseph Smith papers believe that they have finally cracked a code that has perplexed generations of church history researchers, and it was all because of text messaging. . . . . Some of the most used terms include PWIR or “polygamous wife in room,” EMIL for “Emma is listening,” MMIH meaning “meet me in hiding” and LPRHI for “Let Porter Rockwell Handle It.” A common code at the end of letters that talk about the patience and faith needed to work with certain early male church members end with the letters SHTE, which researchers believe means “Send Him To England.”

Angela C., in her post ““Wholesome” Recreational Activities” at BCC:

[Wholesome recreational activity suggestions]

  • Tagging. Instead of spray painting graffiti, paint faces of the Q15 so as to show that they are ever present and watchful, an important lesson about following the prophets. Bonus points if you spray it on the church (enjoy watching leaders decide whether removing it is disrespectful).
  • Key parties, but instead of keys, put matched up scripture verses in the bowl. Couples have to find their corresponding scripture partner to hook up. This sets a lovely tone for whatever follows.
  • Strip poker. Once a family member has removed enough clothing to be outside of the standards in For the Strength of Youth, the rest of the group should shame that person for their inappropriate dress, an important lesson in modesty.

Comments on Angela C.’s post ““Wholesome” Recreational Activities” at BCC:

Wholesome recreational activities is a euphemism for sex in our house. This may change as children age.

We play board games, except instead of board games, we play video games. I show off my presidering skills by refusing to let my kids be Player 1, and always use the best controller.

My brother and I used to have firecracker battles. We’d light black cats and throw them at each other, and aim bottle rockets at each other. Looking back, this was a wholesome activity because, as per the definition, it promoted our physical health. We developed our agility by dodging explosives.

Thomas Hatton, in his post “Absurd Moments in Mormon Art: The Second Coming” at Rational Faiths:

[Analyzing what’s going on in the iconic painting The Second Coming]

What kind of sound would this angelic concourse produce?

. . . . There are a few possibilities: 1.)They could either be creating a random set of pitches, or 2.) playing in unison. We are making the assumption that they are bodiless angels, so their concept of timing may be perfected, but if they are coming into our physical plane and abiding by our laws, there would most definitely be a noticeable sonic drag from the front of the group to the back.

 

If my estimation is correct, those who were present for Christ’s descent would hear the Doppler effect in play. Lets assume they are all attempting to play similar notes. Think about how that would sound to someone on the ground! If they are able to match pitches, it would still sound like an air raid siren, a la the intro of Black Sabbath’s ‘War Pigs’, which would just be too ironic.

 

However, if the angels don’t match pitch, the resulting sound would probably be sonically similar to:

  • A swarm of gigantic mutant bees flying through an empty metal silo
  • A fleet of a thousand ambulances falling off a cliff
  • A Flaming Lips concert

Fred, commenting on Thomas Hatton’s post “Absurd Moments in Mormon Art: The Second Coming” at Rational Faiths:

[On the question of whether Jesus is descending on a cloud]

Of course he’s riding a cloud. The second coming will begin once the 10 billionth prayer for moisture has been given. Only the Father knows when that will be because he’s the only one with enough patience to count that high.

Eliza, commenting on LDS_Aussie’s post “Over-instructed and Under-converted” at W&T:

[Responding to another commenter who asked why, if people can pay attention when they go to movies, they often don’t at church]

The fact remains that one does not usually pay to watch the same 3 hour movie hundreds of times, week after week.

Comments on Scott B.’s post “Things Anonymous Will Reveal, Ranked” at BCC:

[On what Anonymous would reveal if the rumored hack of lds.org actually happened]

Apostle selfies with the sword of Laban

Beta release for an “online tithing payment” button that, once clicked, directs a user to the City Creek Mall.

Comments on Sam Brunson’s post “#todayatchurch” at BCC:

#todayatchurch Opening prayer: “Dear Father, Please send us rain, because we really need it.”
Closing prayer: “We thank thee for this wonderful sunny weather and pray it will continue.”

#todayatchurch During Sacrament meeting, one of my sons made his own version of Mike and Mattie (the terrible comic from The Friend) that included Mike turning into Elvis and Mattie trying to deal with extreme flatulence.

Steve Evans, commenting on his own post “Help thou my unbelief” at BCC:

The Swedish Rescue is what I call it when I try to retrieve my kids from the Smaland ball pit at Ikea.

Mrs. Frog, commenting on an anonymous guest post “Ask fMh: Another Child?” at fMh:

[On how to respond to the question of when you’re going to have kids]

Or, you could be totally crude and say, “So you want to know if we’re banging? (After a look of shock) Oh, was that inappropriate? So was your question.”

Em, in her post “Valentine’s Day: Women of the Bible Edition” at the Exponent:

Introducing: Martha, of the New Testament!

“I am careful and troubled about many things … like how hot you are.”

Mark B., commenting on Scott B.’s post “Williamses, Ranked” at BCC:

[Responding to the assertion that the list is authoritative]

You guys are more like the scribes, when it comes to authoritative.

Ellen, commenting on Kristine A.’s post “Joseph Smith’s Multiple Wives: Why I Care A Lot” at W&T:

[On Joseph’s “invitation” for women to be his plural wives]

With invitations like that, who needs commands?

Karen H., in her post “Honest Prayer of a Nervous Home Seller” at BCC:

Please send slightly unimaginative buyers to my door, that they may see the beautiful golf course next door, but not comprehend the possibility of a plague of mulligans that shatter the glass of house and auto and cause the sin of profanity. And while you’re at it Lord, bless the untalented golfers to send their mulligans to the right—not to the direction of my vulnerable abode. Send the balls to the right and the cash-buyers to the left.

Comments on Scott B.’s post “Word of Wisdom Violations, Ranked” at BCC:

What about “non-refrigerated grape juice”, like Jesus used to drink?

I assumed Corn Nuts of all kinds were covered by the “Oh be wise, what can I say more?” commandment. They are the devil’s dandruff.

[I]f the olive oil is in a container that is not too tight or revealing, it can maintain its extra virginity for a longer time. Nobody wants to make a salad dressing with oil that has lost that which is most precious about it.

N. W. Clerk, commenting on Heather O.’s post “There are two possibilities” at Segullah:

I once heard a fireside talk by a man who was attacked by a Grizzly in Wyoming and lost a lot of the musculature in his legs as a result. When he was in the hospital, some of his friends sent him a note saying something like: “Haven’t heard from you in a while. What’s been eating you?”

ahjeez, commenting on RJH’s post “Mormon Space Doctrine: A Necessary Embarrassment?” at BCC:

If you want to sell copies at DB, you need this title:

The Isaiah Theorem Code(x): Pearls of Spiritual Insight from a Man of Virtue to Combat Secularism and Restore Liberty in these Last Days of the Flood of Same-Sex Obama Smut

with a forward by Mitt Glenn Gaskill Hancock Hamblin-Peterson III, former Institute Director and renowned EFY and Education Week speaker whose books are prized by prospective missionaries and people who like parables about bikes.

Comments on Scott B.’s post “Animals, Ranked” at BCC:

Cumoms never get any love.

I like gnus. I think they show up in the hymn, Praise to the Lord, the Almighty: “Ponder a gnu, what the Almighty can do.”

Comments on hawkgrrrl’s post “That Moment When You Realize You Are Talking to Crazy People” at W&T:

A few years ago we had some leadership tell the kids they shouldn’t bring toothbrushes and went so far as to tell the girls they couldn’t bring tampons. . . . I don’t know what it is about planning a Pioneer Trek, but it seems to bring out the Dwight Schrute in some people.

I had the audacity to suggest at a Relief Society function that some day they might change the garment tops to a tank top. I was not teaching, it was just a group of women chatting. One of the ladies almost fainted. I think she was expecting lighting to strike me dead.

Jessie Jensen, in her post “I Stand All Amused” at BCC:

The best over-the-pulpit Freudian slip of all time: The bishop stood up to announce that next, we would be singing the beloved Christmas hymn “With Wandering Eye.”

 

The best over-the-pulpit Canadian slip of all time: The second counselor stood up to announce that next, we would be singing “Upon the Cross of Calgary.”

Comments on Jessie Jensen’s post “I Stand All Amused” at BCC:

My bishop was giving a guy in our ward a calling after he had been gone for the summer. He proposed that we sustain “Danielle Evans”… and then stumbled… and then said “Uh, oops. He must’ve had a sex change over the summer.”

 

The entire congregation lost it.

On the bulletin there was a reminder for the youth of the bishop’s standards night fireside. But it was abbreviated to “bishop’s STD night”.

Oh, and there was the time I told my toddler to settle down and think of Jesus during the sacrament, and he yelled, “How am I supposed to be reverent when I’m thinking of all that blood?!”

A speaker talking about the handcart company rations of flour and how they mixed it with a little water and made what they called “Lumpy Dick”

This is only funny for those who remember initiatories as they used to be done. We had a stake temple night. In the chapel session our SP told us that he and Brother ___ had spent the morning doing iniatiatories. Then he said, “I saw a side of Brother ___ I had never seen before…”

[D]id anyone else giggle even a little at the email from the church of a little over a week ago titled: “Church Releases Sexual Intimacy FHE Lesson | 5 Things You Should Know About the Second Coming”?

College branch – the first counselor interrupted a guy bearing his testimony to announce “There’s a car in the parking lot that’s on fire.” Rest of F&T meeting was to the sounds of fire trucks. So, for the closing hymn, the branch president announced “We’re making a change on the closing hymn – we’ll sing ‘The Spirit of God Like A Charger Is Burning’”.

Years ago my daughter was sitting on her teachers lap in primary. The Bishop came into to speak. My daughter turned to her teacher and asked “Who the Hell is that?”

[T]he woman teaching [a chastity lesson] went on to describe how she first learned about sex (her dad told her penises kind of look like worms on the ground after it rains), and she decided to tell us how she taught her 12 yo son about sex (and his friends!!!!!) about sex, boners, and wet dreams. . . .

After church I was pretty happy that when my husband asked what our lesson was on I got to say “boners and wet dreams”.

At a poorly enunciated announcement for help with an “Eagle project” in Sacrament meeting my six year old turned to me and loudly asked, “Evil project?!??” This went on for weeks until, at last, the evil project was finished.

My favorite was in a geeky college student branch. It was right around the launch for Star Wars Episode 1 and we had goaded one of the councilors who was conducting into using the Jedi hand wave – “The congregation *will* (hand wave) now take out our hymnals and sing…” We all lost it. Except his wife who was NOT amused.

As my mother was passing the sacrament bread down the pew, my 3 year old son shouts “No thanks, Grandma. I brought my own snack.”

[S]ister stands up and says, “I have a very heavy heart and feel I must confess this to the ward. For many months I have been engaged in an illicit affair with …” and points to a brother in the middle of the congregation who has his arm around his wife and is surrounded by their several children. The sister is silent for about 15 seconds (it felt like an hour) and then elaborates by saying “in my heart.”

When I was deployed to Bosnia, my wife valiantly tried to keep going to church with our two small children. Once, she was sitting in the back of the chapel when my son stood up on the pew and angrily yelled, “MOM, THERE’S A ROCK IN MY PENIS!”

As our bishop (who does not deviate from the script) conducted sacrament meeting, he used the printed program as his reference notes in announcing the order of the meeting. After welcoming all, he announced that we would then sing the opening song, “Improve the Shining,” and without a blink or a smirk he turned and sat down. It might just be me, but I don’t think that ANYONE can improve on Jack Nicholson’s performance, despite a direct and succinct admonition from the bishop over the pulpit.

My youngest daughter once bore her testimony, at the age of 4 or 5, after our dog had died. She told the ward that she wished she could dig the dog up from where we had buried her in the yard “so that my Dad could stuff her and I could keep her in my room.”

A very dignified man in my ward (who is also a competitive cyclist) was describing an event he was taking part in, and drawing parallels to leadership in the church: “The responsibility of the group leader is to break wind for the other members of the group.”

Comments on Kevin Barney’s post “The Power of Personal Stories When Giving Talks” at BCC:

I agree that stories are best when you’re not the hero. . . . By the way, I was sitting on the plane across the aisle from Elder Packer when he challenged Mick Jagger to read the BoM. I tell that story every month in testimony meeting.

A week ago my 14-year-old gave a talk and listed some of the questions he gets from his friends, like “does your dad have more than one wife?” and “do you believe in magnets?” I was the next speaker so I started with “I’ve been asked to share our beliefs in magnets and would like to testify that they are real.”

Comments on Tracy M’s post “Shiny Happy No Thanks” at BCC:

[On funerals]

Families may hold a simple, discrete ring ceremony with their departed loved ones, so long as it happens away from the church building and does not detract from the missionary nature of the funeral service.

Pres. Packer has said the following: “I have told my Brethren in that day when my funeral is held, if any of them who speak talk about me, I will raise up and correct them. The gospel is to be preached.” Some may say he’s the killjoy who’s wrecked funerals for Mormons by turning the deceased into an object lesson, but if he makes good on this threat, it will all have been worth it.

Casey, in his post “Are You Defending The Family Enough? Take Take This Quiz and Find Out! ” at Expert Textperts:

Scenario: A family member confides in you that in spite of their following all the commandments as best they can, they are experiencing doubts over a policy or doctrine concerning The Family. You know that openly discussing or legitimizing such doubts is unhealthy. Which of the following is the best way to respond?
A) Remind them to doubt their doubts
B) Assure them the internet is full of anti-Mormon material
C) Ask them if they have any unresolved sins that could be creating their doubts
D) Bear your testimony that the thing they are doubting is true

Anon again this time, commenting on cjanekendrick’s post “10 Questions For Sister Oscarson” at BCC:

[Discussing threats to the family]

As a stylistic aside, ambiguous and nefarious threats should be discussed in tones far more ominous than GC cadence or primary voice. Far more effective would be an Orson Welles-esque reading of “War of the Premortal Worlds”.

April Fools, in their post “Announcing Auto-Pray!” at T&S:

Are you feeling pressed for time? Just don’t have the energy to remember prayer? Download the new Auto-Pray (TM) app today! . . . . You can build your own linguistic nuances right in, too! Want to make sure to include important terms like “moisture”? We’ve got that option! Want to add lots of extraneous Thees and Thous, passive-voice construction, and archaic verbs? We doth haveth that one, too! You can even customize your prayer to be in Yoda form (“these blessings, we thank Thee for”) or even Pirate talk (“Arr, ye have our thanks”).

Mike C., in his post “Church Announces Slowdown to Hastening of the Work” at ZD:

Elder Boyd K. Packer, President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, is appreciative of all that has been achieved, but an inside source reported having recently heard Packer mutter under his breath that the work is going, “…just too d@#n fast.” . . . . According to some sources, the announced slowdown had its genesis in apostle Dieter F. Uchtdorf’s influential yet controversial talk titled, “Hastening Makes Wastening”. In his General Conference talk Elder Uchtdorf explained how, “…the gospel work, like an airplane accelerating off the runway, must eventually slow down its acceleration or else run the risk of going off the rails, if I might use a train analogy.”

SteveP, in his post “NotEs fRom a GrAmMAr aNarcHist” at BCC:

Commas are a constant source of worry for people. Just stop worrying about it. Here’s what I do. If I feel like people expect to see them I have a random number generator that gives me commas about 20% of the time. At the end of each word I throw the dice as it were and use a comma if I get a hit. But in modern times you don’t really need them. They are just used to signal when to take a breath and in today’s world without tuberculosis people don’t need to cough as often so the comma has become a relic of the past when people like Keats had to stop to cough. The comma in a long sentence was a useful place to do that. Some people say they clarify meaning. My opinion about this is people are too coddled today. Back in my day we had to struggle to find meaning and it made us tougher readers. Now with commas ‘marking’ every little clarification people are getting lazier. Take the classic (about which whole books have been written (not very useful books in my opinion (unless you want to do grammarish things that are really hard (and confusing)))) “A panda eats shoots and leaves.” My heavens if the panda was in a bar and there is a dead person in the next sentence and no panda after the first sentence you know what the clause meant. Sheesh. If you read the sentence in a field guide about panda dietary habits then you know what the sentence means. Only lazy dumb people need commas. Clarifying meaning is for sissies.

Hermia Lyly, in her post “hair color and gender essentialism: a proclamation to the world” at Young Mormon Feminists:

IN THE PREMORTAL REALM, spirit brunettes and blondes knew and worshipped God as their Eternal Brunette and accepted His hair-care plan by which His children could obtain a physical body and gain earthly experience to progress toward perfection and ultimately realize their divine destiny as heirs of eternal life. . . . .

THE FIRST COMMANDMENT that God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood as brunette and blonde. We declare that God’s commandment for His hairy children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force.

Owen, commenting on Jessie Jensen’s post “Survey says…!” at BCC:

I prayed for my facial hair to stop growing, but instead I found my keys.

Lynne, commenting on Thunderchicken’s post “Saturday Afternoon Live Blog” at fMh:

When Elder Uchdorf asked if there were any dissenting votes, the handful of dissenters (poor things) shouted, “NO!”…..so, were they really “sustaining” our leaders, but just in a more attention-seeking way…..?

Liffey Banks, commenting on Winterbuzz’s post “Fundamentalist Thinking: Lord, Is it I?” at fMh:

[Responding to another commenter who said feminists were fundamentalists]

Maybe she means those pesky fundamentalist feminist tendencies I too struggle with – accidentally burning my bras, yelling and throwing things at men I’ve never met, stealing my husband’s pants?

Ben S, commenting on Michael Austin’s post “Eight Hideously Bad Mormon Novels You Should Read Because Perfect Awfulness Is Its Own Kind of Good” at BCC:

[I]f Notre Dame has “the Fighting Irish”, why can’t BYU adopt “the Fighting Danites” as our mascot?

hawkgrrrl, commenting on her own post “April 2015 Gen Conf in GIFs” at W&T:

[Responding to another commenter, a man, who pointed out that women praying in Conference fold their arms but men do not]

[T]he women close their eyes and the men do not. 😉

larryco_, commenting on Scott B.’s post “Things the Mormon Tabernacle Choir Should Not Wear, Ranked” at BCC:

Yarmulkes, skinny jeans, tongue-piercing jewels, and Blue Man face paint.

Gloria, commenting on Kevin Barney’s post “Called to Teach” at BCC:

One time, a particularly heavily correlated elder complained to the teacher, during a quorum meeting, “Will you quit reading scriptures and just stick to the manual?”

Daniel Smith, commenting on LDS_Aussie’s post “Nephi today: Would he be a member of the NRA?” at W&T:

I think the question of Laban’s NRA membership is much more interesting. He certainly thought his weapon and the weapons of his soldiers would protect himself and his property from thieves, but in the end an unarmed thief beheads him with his personal weapon.

Kristine A., commenting on Nate’s post “Romancing the Shadow: Taming Our R-Rated Nature” at W&T:

I agree that controlled expressions of violence/anger are good for humans. . . . . Speaking as someone who played varsity basketball and during intramural sports at Ricks ended up tackling a girl who stole the ball from me (when the refs refused to call any fouls during a game) I stood up and shouted “finally! You called a flipping foul!”. I was relief society president at the time.

Gilbert & Sullivan, commenting on Scott B.’s post “Things That Can Be Explained In The Following Six Important Principles, Ranked” at BCC:

My [missionary] companion and I once discussed taking a bed and placing it in the doorway between the bedroom and the living/dining/kitchen so that we could break two rules at once: sleeping in the same bed in separate rooms.

hawkgrrrl, in her post “Top 10 Rejected Ideas for Keeping Millenials in the Church” at W&T:

  • Lower mission age to 12. Then lower to 8 for boys.
  • Give all women the priesthood. But simultaneously upgrade the men to Platinum level priesthood.
  • Brown bag town hall lunches with Jesus, provided Jesus meets dress and grooming standards.

Howard, commenting on Bill Reel’s post “Mormonism’s thoughts on Cafeteria Mormonism” at W&T:

If we look back we see:

The Only True Church 1.0 Joseph drinks wine, ordains blacks and introduces polygamy

The Only True Church 2.0 polygamy is in, blacks are out

The Only True Church 3.0 polygamy is out and blacks are out

The Only True Church 4.0 blacks are in, polygamy is out

Which one is right and why?

Kristine A, commenting on hawkgrrrl’s post ““I Can’t. I’m Mormon.”” at W&T:

Me at work being the only one not using the new K-cup coffee machine:

“you’re not having any, Kristine?”
“no, I can’t have coffee bc Mormon leaders want to make sure I’m weird like this and have these awkward conversations in hopes that you will become interested in becoming weird, too.”

Comments on Karen H.’s post “The Future of Mormon Cinema–A Decade Ago” at BCC

[Rewriting movie titles to Mormonize them]

“The Fasting and the Furious”

“All About Eve”—>”All About Adam”

Pitch Good Enough for Sacrament Meeting

“Look Who’s Coming to a Dinner Appointment”

“12 Years a Nursery Worker.”

“Singin’ in the Moisture”

Comments on Scott B.’s post “Things Eagles Do In Patriotic Art, Ranked” at BCC:

Reminds me of one client’s request for cover art that had the an eagle perched at the head of hospital gurney as the Statue of Liberty gives birth to various religious symbols while the faces from Mount Rushmore watched.

With the way the liberals have hijacked our country, I expect to see paintings of two male bald eagles with rainbow-dyed head feathers having gay relations on an American flag while an entire generation of eagle scouts is forced to watch.

Comments on Jessie Jensen’s post “Fun with LDS.org’s Extensive Stock Photo Library” at BCC. Commenters were suggesting captions for this picture:caption-this

“The 1890 Manifesto was really more of a wink-wink manifesto.”

I asked the bishop, he said it’s okay if we do it* without our garments on next time.

*play basketball

Honey, the Joneses have to keep up with *us* now. Don’t you understand, we’ve won!

“No! I meant I want us to have a bigger rack for that wall behind us!”

It’s okay, honey, I signed the article “Name Withheld”

“Honey, if Brother Creeperson touched you there when he saw you near the Celestial Room, then you must have done something to lead him on. What were you wearing?”

“Now honey, don’t be mad. I was only looking at Sister Jones with my *spiritual* eyes.”

Steve Evans, commenting on john f.’s post “If Not, Why Not?” at BCC:

John, complain if you want about prayers that we all get home safely, but consider what might happen in the absence of those prayers: a traffic bloodbath.

Comments on Sam Brunson’s post “Trek, Mobs, and Spiritual Escalation” at BCC:

So when a fake-pioneer youth offers a real prayer for deliverance from a fake-mobster, does God hear that prayer?

Since more of the early Saints died of cholera than from violence, perhaps giving the kids a low level diarrhea would help them appreciate pioneer heritage.

Jeff, commenting on SteveP’s post “Climate Change, The Pope, and a Call to Zion” at BCC:

Of all people, Mormons should be the biggest supporters of global warming as it provides a physical mechanism for quite nearly every calamity prophesied as a Sign of The Times prior to the Second Coming: drought, famine, natural disaster, disease, war, etc, etc. But no, my good Mormon friends insist that those will proceed thru “magic”.

Steve Evans, commenting on Ben Huff’s post “A Nation Divided” at T&S:

[Responding to the assertion that the US Supreme Court had mandated same-sex marriage]

Goodness, I’d better tell the wife to expect guests.

Michael Austin, in his post “Love the Banker, but Hate the Bank: A Plea for Tolerance and Understanding for Our Brothers and Sisters Involved in Usury” at BCC:

That our society has chosen to abandon God and permit the lending of money for interest is regrettable, but it does not change our Christian responsibility to the truth or to our fellow human beings. Here are some guidelines that I hope you will follow with the bankers in your life:

  • Always teach correct principles. Usury is wrong because it perverts the natural order of fecundity and violates God’s direct commandments in the scriptures. We cannot tolerate even a wisp of sin, lest we become desensitized to evil and come to embrace it.
  • Stop doing things that cause others to be usurious. In much the same way that we have been instructed not to shop on the Sabbath, so that we do not force other people to work and violate God’s law, we should not use or accept the fruits of usury. This means that we should always pay cash for our houses and cars. We should not accept student loans for our education. And we should never use credit cards. And it goes without saying that we should never accept interest on any money that we invest. Every time we do this, we cause somebody to become a usurer.
  • Don’t make assumptions: We just don’t know if people are born with an inclination towards charging interest or if they become usurers through their environment. But it doesn’t matter. Our job is to love people, not to diagnose them.
  • Lead with compassion: Nobody who believes the Bible to be the word of God can deny that lending money at interest is a grave sin–but so are inhospitality, cruelty, and lack of compassion. To God it is given to punish; to us it is given to forgive all men. And that probably even means women.
  • Talk in ways that emphasize the person, not the occupation. If you have a relative who is a banker, don’t reduce him or her entirely to an occupation. Say, “my sister, who happens to be a usurer,” instead of “my sister the banker.” This will send the message that there is a difference between who people are (which always comes from God) and what they do (which may very well come from Satan).
  • Love the banker but hate the bank: Bankers are people, and not all bankers are irresponsible speculators who caused the great recession of 2008. And even those who are deserve the love and respect that we owe all children of God.

Comments on Michael Austin’s post “Love the Banker, but Hate the Bank: A Plea for Tolerance and Understanding for Our Brothers and Sisters Involved in Usury” at BCC:

Both Hollywood and the liberal media portray usury as an attractive, glamorous lifestyle choice. The next thing you know, they’re going to want to be married in the temple and force us to ratify their aberrations by baking them a wedding cake.

Please remember that there is a biological bases to exacting usury. About 10% of dolphins take a percentage from those they lend fish–it is called the ‘mackerel’s cut.’

We do not understand all of the reasons for God instituting banking among his people. Banking violated both cultural and legal norms, leading to persecution and revilement. We do not know all of the reasons that the Lord instituted banking among the saints, though banking did result in “the raising up of capital among my people.”

I recently read on the internet that Joseph smith set up a bank in Kirtland (or was it Nauvoo?) that had interest-bearing relationships with as many as two dozen customers. Now maybe some of them were old widows and did not involve the paying of interest, but some were as young as 14! And it seems totally implausible that an entire bank could exist without ever charging interest. My testimony was shattered on hearing this news. I hope that the church will come out with one of those gospel topics essays to help me make sense of these internet rumors of usury by our founding leaders.

Benjamin Knoll, in his post “LDS Church Responds to Supreme Court Monogamy Decision” at Rational Faiths:

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

January 10, 1879

As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we acknowledge the recent ruling by the U.S. Supreme Court Reynolds vs. United States which holds that men may be married to one woman and one woman only. While acknowledging the ruling, we strongly disagree with the Court as it poses a clear risk to religious freedom in our society which is guaranteed by the First Amendment of the Constitution. We also affirm that the Court’s decision does not alter the Lord’s doctrine that marriage, even the New and Everlasting Covenant of Marriage, is ideally a union between one man and two or more women, a relationship eternally ordained by God from the foundations of the world.

Comments on RJH’s post “Memo to the Newsroom: If the real leaders are away, best to keep quiet until they get back” at BCC:

Let’s tell Salt Lake the gays are in Sunday School now. Maybe we can get a 2-hour block.

My decades-ago observation of BYU ballroom dance was that it was one of the few programs where beards were not only acceptable, but for some participants, a necessity to remain in the community.

lauraisangry, commenting on Scott B.’s post “Minor Star Wars Characters, Ranked” at BCC:

I know these rankings are authoritative, but can we get a shout out to the Jabba the Hutt dancer with six breasts? She still stayed as modest as possible (for a Jabba slave dancer) by wearing 3 bikini tops. #truetothefaith

Angela C, in her post “Personal Progress for Hamsters” at BCC:

Faith. With a pup-bearer, grand-pup-bearer or female horde leader, discuss the qualities a hamster needs in order to teach whichever pups survive her maternal feeding frenzy to have faith and to base their decisions on gospel truths. How can these principles help you in your life today and help you prepare to be a faithful pet?

gst, commenting on Sam Brunson’s post “Second-Best Solutions” at BCC:

I’m an Episcopalian, because Anglicans have been doing correlation since the 1540s.

Rockwell, commenting on Guy Templeton’s post “Lightmindedness & Loud Laughter” at W&T:

Other considerations:

Is it okay to use the term LOL? Do you have to make sure that everyone knows its not too loud?

Jack Hughes, commenting on BHodges’s post “Joseph’s rough stone rolls on” at BCC:

I want to find out if [the seer stone] still works. Does it light up or change colors? I mean, we have ordained seers, don’t we? And I’m sure at least one of them owns a hat.

Emily M., in her post “9 a.m.: The Only True Time to Start Church” at Segullah:

I have long held that the Church is most true at 9 a.m., and gets progressively less true as the day goes on. One p.m. church is practically apostate (especially on Fast Sundays with a group of grouchy kids–and teachers–in third block), and if you are one of the poor souls who have to attend from from three p.m. on you might as well get rebaptized every week.

Thomas Hatton, in his post “Loving The Way That Christ Loves” at Rational Faiths:

Westboro Baptist Church. Yep, they are grade-A A-Holes, but Christ said love your enemies, even if they are complete jerkwads. I think he may have even used those same words. . . .

Matt Walsh. Oooooh man. That face is so punchable. But we must all restrain ourselves and pray with all of the energy of our hearts to love Mr. Walsh, because Jesus said to love everybody.

The Other Clark, commenting on Ardis E. Parshall’s post “Hollywood (California) Stake Tabernacle, 1929” at Keepapitchinin:

The first chapel in Anchorage, Alaska (known as “11th and E” for the intersection it was built at) is another example of overcoming bureaucracy.

 

The branch had wanted a chapel for years, but approval was hung up somewhere in Salt Lake. Realizing that they would have to pay the full cost of construction anyway, they hired a local architect to draw up plans, built the building, and then asked someone from Salt Lake to come and dedicate it –and they did!

 

I don’t think you could get away with that today.

Comments on WVS’s post “Your Sunday Brunch Special: Temple Recommend Interview 1856 Style” at BCC:

[Suggestions for updates to the 1856 questions]

Do you leave voice mail for a sister asking if you can come on such a date, never hear back from her, but count that as a phone visit when you report to your supervisor?

 

Have you ever organized a pool on who will be called as the new bishop?

Have you ever checked the score of an NFL game while sitting in Sacrament Meeting?
Did you ever add the name of your favorite sports team to the Temple Prayer Roll before a big game?

Have you participated in a multi-level marketing scheme without sure knowledge that there is a real product at the core?

Comments on Steve Evans’s post “I Have A Question: Book of Mormon Names” at BCC:

I have a question: All Dogs Go To Heaven

“Assuming all animals receive some degree of glory, which animals go where and on what criteria? I’m particularly interested in pandas, killer whales, and cureloms. Also, what about genetically-created animals such as Indominus Rex?”

I have a question: Underdogs

“My family recently moved into the mission field. It’s scary out here and we are under constant persecution. Which breed of dog is best suited to defend the family? Which breed is best suited to defend The Family?”

Jack Hughes, commenting on EmJen’s post “Changes to PEC coming?” at BCC:

The handbook says PEC is for “considering priesthood matters”. But what exactly does that mean? Which brand of olive oil is best for consecrating? The environmental impact of paper vs. plastic sacrament cups?

An anonymous BCC blogger, quoted in Kyle M’s post “Church-Hacker #18: Stick to the Manual (Margins)” at BCC:

[A tip on teaching Gospel Doctrine]

I actually really like the New Testament Manual. It has nice, wide margins to write notes in, so, when I teach from it, people think that I am using it.

Mike from Georgia, commenting on Hedgehog’s post “A Small Step Forwards…” at W&T:

The women are never going to have much say at the ward council (WC) level because neither do the men.

Examples: . . .

-What if the EQP and RSP acquired a seer stone and started using it to help them make HT and VT assignments?

. . . .

-What if WC decided that 5% tithing was more appropriate considering the economic challenges in the ward and the WC took a 20% cut of that before sending it to Salt Lake?

-What if the WC decided to have a primary pet day once a month when all the children could bring their pets to church as long as the pet didn’t attack any other pets. A 10 year old boy from a less active family brings a 3 ft long alligator with its snout tightly taped closed?

. . . .

-What if a WC in an isolated corner of rural Appalachia with mostly older members did a survey which revealed that 93% of the ward preferred bluegrass music . They sold the piano and organ and bought banjoes, mandolins, harmonicas, dulcimers and a big doghouse fiddle and created their own local arrangements loosely based on traditional LDS hymns mixed with some of the classic bluegrass gospel music? What if a grandson of an apostle married a vain Utah valley girl at BYU and they were later transferred into this ward?

handlewithcare, commenting on hawkgrrrl’s post ““Wholesome” Recreational Activities” at W&T:

My mother used to say ‘Laziness is no good unless well done’. That little proverb has served me well.

Comments on EmJen’s post ““Youth” and the BSA” at BCC:

In a surprise move, the newsroom just announced that the church will discontinue its alliance with the YW program.

[Responding to another commenter who said he had never learned the ordinance of setting up chairs]

To be fair . . . not everyone has Master Yoda as their deacons quorum advisor.

Jeff, commenting on PeterLLC’s post “The Church is (not) a…” at BCC:

I’ve always felt that the statement “The Church is true” is simply referring to building code, which is to say that if you take a carpenter’s square it should line up perfectly with each of the church’s four corners.

Comments on Jessie Jensen’s post “Improve This Shining Moment” at BCC:

[Suggested questions to get to know a person better when she is “spotlighted” in RS]

When was the last time a beggar put up his petition in vain to you? Follow up: How do you think Jesus feels about that?
. . . .
The very talented Brown family moves into your ward with 5 or more pianos. Who in the ward is assigned to tell them that multiple pianos are not covered under a standard EQ moving agreement?

How many times have you violated the “this kitchen is for warming, not cooking” commandment in the church kitchen?

What was the first sin you committed after exiting the waters of baptism? Was it worth it?

hawkgrrrl, commenting on Stephen Marsh’s post “Someone Should Have Told Me — Evolution” at W&T:

[W]e absolutely DO teach [evolution] at BYU in the Biology department, and it is not up for debate. . . . We may as well say: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has stated that it “has no official position on gravity, and each member is entitled to his or her own personal views on the subject.” Sure, but not believing in gravity doesn’t mean you can fly.

Tom, commenting on Michael Austin’s post “Defending Families: Why the #TogetherWithoutBorders Movement Matters” at BCC:

One thing is very clear. People who drive 70 mph in a 55-mph zone are criminals. That’s what you are when you do something that is against the law. You are a criminal. But I understand people wanting to get to stake conference before the opening hymn (if they really like singing). I have witnessed numerous stake conferences over the past several years and the highest percentage of members arrived on time. They did not have to speed to do it. Why can’t everyone else? Maybe the encouragement to follow traffic laws that they give at the end of the meeting is inadequate and we should remind people about that the day before. Whatever the solution might be, we definitely need to find it. Yes, . . . . we need to love these people. But we can’t just say, “We love you, so we’ll just ignore the fact that you broke the law to get here.”

hawkgrrrl, in her post “Hated Hymns” at W&T:

In Our Lovely Deseret. It sounds like something written by women in the temperance movement for Nazi youth to sing

Comments on hawkgrrrl’s post “Hated Hymns” at W&T:

“Scatter Sunshine” sung in German sounds like the best drinking song ever. All you need is a beer stein in your hand to wave back and forth to complete the actions. At least that’s how it felt singing it in the MTC back in the day.

[Suggesting a new way to sing “Follow the Prophet”]

[N]ot just a Yiddish accent, the kids should form a circle, link arms, kick their legs and sing the chorus to the tune of Hava Nagila, ending with, “he won’t lead you astray, Hey!”

Joel, commenting on wheatmeister’s post “Next Two Apostles? (Weekend Poll)” at W&T:

How about Julie Rowe and Glenn Beck? That would really bring the tradition of prophesy back into the church.

Kristine A., commenting on EmJen’s post “The Morning After” at BCC:

[On how the chastity lesson in the Ezra Taft Benson manual went]

Mormons use really really weird euphemisms when talking about sex. one woman went off for a few minutes about “presenting your real beauty” to your husband and I think it’s some weird reference to sexuality but i’m still confused about it 24 hours later. Was it a reference to taking your garments off before you do the deed? saying a prayer first? wearing lots of/no makeup???? Does LDS Tools have a euphemism translator?

Comments on EmJen’s post “No electronics, no food at sacrament meeting” at BCC:

Perhaps our next step should be a return to the Puritan values on which the United States was founded. Create a calling where somebody can walk through the chapel carrying a long pole with a brass knob mounted on the end – and issue a sharp thump to the heads of anyone on a phone, playing Hangman, sleeping, eating Cheerios, or reading. Reverence problem solved – nobody attends church, and our wards will finally be quiet enough that if anyone is there, they can easily feel the Spirit.

Do people ask themselves when packing their bags for church, “What snacks could we bring that will make the most noise over a sustained time period and leave mass quantities of crumbs on the bench and floor for somebody else to clean?”

Fortunately, as one of the Ward Organists, I’ll be called upon regularly to fool around with the biggest piece of electronic equipment in the Chapel, right there in front of God, the Bishop, and everybody.

We have two hours of Sunday School and lessons to look forward to after Sacrament meeting. Isn’t that enough? Worship should be different. Sunday worship is an act of communal reverance and devotion honoring diety. . . It can involve gratitude, reflection, dance . . . , song, other forms of art . . ., and devotion or ordinances . . . . I personally would like to see speaking in tongues and healing from poisonous snakes. I wonder what dance would look like (Shaker spinning, Whirling Dervishes, performances, etc.) That would keep me awake.

I think if there was more kookery being preached, we’d listen more intently.

Steve Evans, in his post “I Have A Question: Picking a Stake President” at BCC:

[Quoting and responding to a reader’s question]

When do the first Kynzleeys and Remyngtynns become general auxiliary/authority members? I’m in my mid-20s and hope i’m dead before then.

 

They don’t. Best-case scenario, those ridiculous names become their initials, so Rmyngtynn Monson becomes R. Rockwell Monson or somesuch. Those poor kids. Weep for them. They have no future.

Comments on Steve Evans’s post “I Have A Question: Picking a Stake President” at BCC:

The Kynzleeys and Remyngtynns are generally from lower-education families and therefore are not likely to fit the socioeconomic profile of GAs. They might have big houses and jet skis but the big houses will be in somewhere like Santaquin or Hemet and will have been purchased with a 5/1 option ARM; the jet skis will be sold on Craigslist when Remyngtynn Jr. needs braces.

I should move to the Manti [temple] district. I’ve always wanted to play the Satan and believe I’d do a good job. After all, he’s just doing things he’s seen done elsewhere (paraphrase). Does that mean I have some kind of character flaw?

Jeff Swift, in his post “Top Post-Conference Newspaper Headlines” at Rational Faiths:

  • Mormon liberal giddy at conference mention of global warming.
  • Church PR department says Area Authority Seventy global warming mention was metaphor meant to illustrate demise of natural family.
  • Area family still reeling, shocked at conference talk on protecting the family: “I had no idea it was that important” mother says.

Owen, commenting on Julie M. Smith’s post “It’s the End of the World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)” at T&S:

Oh, come on. There’s plenty of incentive to believe the end of the world is nigh. No home teaching next month!

hawkgrrrl, commenting on Kristine A’s post “Raising Daughters in the Church” at W&T:

[S]ome people are not great cooks or just don’t like to. The uterus doesn’t come with a recipe book stuffed inside of it.

kevinf, commenting on Rebecca J’s post “My family: a proclamation to the world” at BCC:

[I’m w]ith you about trash in the sink, when the kitchen garbage is only three feet away? I can only say that compared to other issues, though, maybe it’s not that big of a deal. I will just paraphrase Tolstoy and say, “All families are forever; each family is forever in its own way.”

Michael Austin, in his post “Helping our Children Choose Bipedalism” at BCC:

[T]he fallen world would have us believe that crawling around on all fours is just another choice, like whether to wear a white or a blue shirt to Church (wear white of course) or whether or not to have a tenth child (which, of course you should). Well, let us concede the point. If quadrapedalism is a “choice,” then so is bipedalism. We can choose to walk upright. And we can teach our children to choose bipedalism as well.

Thomas Parkin, commenting on Michael Austin’s post “Helping our Children Choose Bipedalism” at BCC:

Well, and I’m glad you emphasized not only walking on two feet, but walking uprightly. For many years our son would walk around hunched over, with his arms pulled in, so that he resembled a Tyrannosaur. He was trying to live the dino lifestyle. We winked at it, until he began to live out his fascination in public. Then we began worrying. What have we done wrong? Our son does not even want to be a human being, he’d rather be a dinosaur. He isn’t even choosing to be part of an extant species. After much prayer and council with concerned leaders we sent him to a camp where they scared the bejesus out of him, and convinced him to choose the life of a real human boy. Now he is walking around, full upright like the cocky little s.o.b. we always hoped he would be. Surely God does not want us hunched over with dangling little arms, like an Allosaurus! He wants us to walk around like He does, floating in mid-air optional.

Mr Jiblet, commenting on Michael Barker’s post “Ponderize THIS!!!” at Rational Faiths:

The shirts were positively hideous and needed to be removed from the catalog of Mormon goods.

If I saw them sitting on a foldable Lifetime table next to the Living Scriptures kiosk in the mall I’d likely have a money-changer meltdown too.

Comments on Scott B.’s post “I Have a Question: Will Lame Talk Intros Ever End?” at BCC:

Re: speaking assignments. I’m actually surprised this hasn’t happened yet, given that our youth are incapable of asking someone to a dance without it being a production. (Sister Jones, we really “donut” want anyone but you speaking at church next week.)

Promise: If one of the new apostles starts his talk by saying, “When I saw Pres. Monson’s name on the caller ID, I knew I’d be speaking today,” I will eat my iPad.

SGNM, commenting on Jacob’s post “On the CES Letter” at BCC:

Son, we live in a world that has religious truth claims. And those truth claims have to be guarded by men with scriptures and laptops. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, BCC bloggers? FairMormon has a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Runnells and you curse the Maxwell Institute. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: That Runnells’ departure from the church, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves testimonies! You don’t want the truth because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want FairMormon on the internet. You need FairMormon on the internet. We use words like “true,” “know,” “testimony.” We use those words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain Mormon apologetics to a man who goes to church meetings every Sunday under the tabernacle of the very freedom that those apologists provide, and then questions the manner in which they provide it! I would rather you just said “thank you” and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a keyboard and start writing FairMormon topic pages. Either way, I don’t give a dang what you think you are entitled to!

Scott B., in his post “I Have A Question: What The Heck Is Canadian Thanksgiving, Anyways?” at BCC:

[Responding to a question submitted by a reader]

Can zombies be defeated by performing proxy baptisms on their behalf, thereby turning them into good, rather than evildead?
No. Baptism does not change your nature. It is an ordinance meant to wipe away your sins after you have already repented and manifested a desire to join the Church of Christ. Zombies are not good or evil; they simply are, and they simply hunger. Getting baptized on their behalf will not change their hunger for braiiiiiiinsssss into a hunger for righteousness. It will only make them show up for mutual.

Comments on Scott B.’s post “I Have A Question: What The Heck Is Canadian Thanksgiving, Anyways?” at BCC:

Sometimes I wonder how well people are going to deal with having resurrected people around. Will there be this unspoken concern that they’re only waiting for your to turn your back before eating your brains?

Is there an -ism for prejudice against the no longer dead?

[Commenting on the actors playing Satan in the temple movies]

As for the bald one, I always thought he looked and acted like the villain in a cheap kung fu movie. I expect a gong to sound at any time when I watch him.

I’m pretty sure this has been discussed in the Bloggernacle before, but there is no such ordinance as baptism for the undead.

ZD Eve, commenting on Kevin Barney’s post “Adam, Eve and the Order of Creation” at BCC:

Just once before I die I want to hear a woman explain that the whole purpose and meaning of creation would be brought to naught without man–a keystone in the motherhood arch of creation.

Liz, commenting on Heather’s post “Girls Camp, Diet Coke, & Satan” at the Exponent:

The very first time I went to Girls’ Camp, they sent the Beehives all out on a hike while the Laurels did a “team-building exercise.” Apparently their “exercise” was to find all of the Beehives’ underwear and hang it high in a tree. When we got back, we were all mortified to see the newly-crowned Panty Tree, but then a Laurel came up to me, threw her arm over my shoulder and said, “You must’ve hidden your underwear so well, because we couldn’t find it. Bravo!”

 

It was then that I realized that I had totally forgotten to pack underwear.

EBK, commenting on Scott B.’s post “If You Like Trunk-or-Treats You Probably Don’t Have a Testimony” at BCC:

I learned on my mission that you don’t understand the truly bizarre until you walk around knocking on the doors of people who never leave their house. This is why we need to defend traditional trick or treating.

Scott B., in his post “I Have A Question: Can You Break Commandments in the Holodeck?” at BCC:

[Responding to a question submitted by a reader]

Why does a room full of church members all open up their hymn books to ‘read’ a hymn, even when it is a one that everyone knows? (such as Love One Another) What’s wrong with just singing it from memory?
People pull out the hymn book because they don’t actually have the hymns memorized. Hymns are only memorized when they are sung, repeatedly, over a long period of time. If you have the hymns memorized, this suggests that you sing the hymns more frequently than everyone else. The only reason you would have to sing hymns more frequently than everyone else is because you have dirty thoughts more frequently than everyone else, so you need to sing hymns to make the bad thoughts go away. So, basically people still whip out the hymn book because they’re more righteous than you.

Left Field, commenting on Scott B.’s post “I Have A Question: Can You Break Commandments in the Holodeck?” at BCC:

“17 #MormonMoments from Battlestar Galactica You Probably Missed”

#12 will astound you!
And lds.org will set up the essay to require 45 mouse clicks, 17 showing photographs of the MormonMoments, 17 revealing a one-sentence text explaining the previous photograph, and the remaining 11 misdirecting you to ads for CTR rings, white shirts, framed copies of the proclamation, and leather-bound scriptures.

A Happy Hubby, commenting on Stephen Marsh’s post “An aside, why are people going inactive?” at W&T:

I looked around in priesthood the last week and 6 out of 10 folks were snoozing. . . . I have to brag that I was prepared. I had oil in my lamp (that is a 20 oz Dr Pepper just before going to church).

nrc42, commenting on Spunky’s post “Teaching, No Greater Call Series: “Horrors of Teaching” Halloween Thread” at the Exponent:

I have a sixteen-year-old brother with a pretty unbelievable seminary teacher. . . . She . . . told my brother in front of the class that he had fallen away from the Iron Rod because he was drinking a diet Mountain Dew. She then asked him why he would even want to drink such a horrible, sinful thing. Thinking quickly, [he] responded, “Because it’s too early for vodka.”

Comments on John C.’s post “Would “preside” by any other name smell as…um…” at BCC:

If preside means – choosing who says the prayer at dinner, then my 3 year old presides in our home. 🙂

 

Actually my 3 year old might be considered the presider even if it means the person who leads and guides. She insists that no matter where we are going, she walks first and we have to follow her. I’m definitely claiming unrighteous dominion.

Comments on hawkgrrrl’s post “None of Your Business” at W&T:

“How many kids do you have?”

 

“Do you mean with my wife or are you looking for a grand total?”

We’ve been married for almost ten years with no kids. We finally got people to stop asking “When are you going to have kids?” when we consistently answered “When we figure out how to do it! Do you have any tips?”

Rebecca J, in her post “Extreme make-over: sacrament meeting edition” at BCC:

You think Angry Birds is a distraction? Try Angry Toddlers. Toddlers Who Haven’t Had Their Naps. Toddlers Who Didn’t Eat Their Lunch Because You Served It at 10 a.m. So You Could Get to Church at 11. Toddlers Who Don’t Want To Sit in a Confined Space for 70 Minutes Because Who Does? No One. It’s not a fun game.

Comments on Ziff’s post “Top 12 Handbook Policies You Must Have a Testimony Of!” at ZD:

[On the Handbook policy that says using the piano and organ at the same time “is not standard for Church meetings”]

Apparently there is a need to avoid inter-instrumental marriage between pianos and organs.

[On the Handbook policy that requires that art in church buildings must be framed]

This just makes me want to run around putting up unframed guerilla artwork in my local meetinghouse. Stick it to the man while sticking it on the wall.

Eve of Destruction, commenting on rah’s post “Shocker – The New LDS Policy Experiment on LGBT Families. Who Will Pull the Switch?” at fMh:

By this shall men know ye are my disciples: if ye are willing to excommunicate one another.

Rockwell, commenting on RJH’s post “Don’t reap me bro!” at BCC:

If you can’t tell the wheat from the weeds it’s probably because of that mote in your eye. I can help you get it out.

Mike C, commenting on Lynnette’s post “Just for Fun, Some Questions” at ZD:

Before having twins, I liked the sacrament part of sacrament meeting a lot. Now the spiritual aspects of the sacrament are typically overwhelmed by the cage-match aspects of the sacrament.

Lily, commenting on Shelah’s post “Skipping Christmas” at Segullah:

I have a good friend that always takes a trip to Europe during Thanksgiving. Someone asked him one time why he didn’t stay at home for the holiday. He replied “Are you kidding? The family would come over.”

governingmyself, commenting on Kristine A.’s post “The Rexburg Response to #PantsToChurch” at W&T:

Ironically now my pants wearing is only an issue when members of my congregation run into me in public and I am wearing skirts or dresses. They react with shock and always have to comment. It is as though they believe I am wearing pants at church because I lost all my skirts in some type of tragic closet fire.

Dave K., commenting on Sam Bruson’s post “Christmas Music Discoveries” at BCC:

[Trans Siberian Orchestra] live is the ultimate Christmas experience. Even better than being in the manger.

19 comments / Add your comment below

  1. Yay Ziff! The 2014 version of this post is what introduced me to ZD, which is now one of my favorite blogs. Also, the fact that I made the list makes me feel like I’ve arrived. 🙂




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  2. Thanks, Kevin and HokieKate! And EBK, I’m so glad that this post was what led you to ZD in the first place. Thanks so much for contributing to my laughter this year! 🙂




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  3. I started reading this post on the commuter train this morning, and had to put it down because I was giggling so much, I started getting funny looks from other passengers (who surely must have wondered how I could be so happy headed back into work on the Monday after New Years?). Now safely back at home, where I can guffaw to my heart’s content. Thank you!




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  4. Hilarious! Thanks for collecting and posting and (woot woot) I received my first mention on the bloggernacle!!!




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  5. My Saint Bernard keeps coming to check and see why I am laughing when I am supposed to be sleeping quietly after surgery.




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  6. Thanks, Mortimer, and thanks for making me laugh! As you can see, I love funny comments.

    Thanks, JustMe! I’m so glad you enjoyed this!




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  7. Just finished this hilarious post. Some how comforting to see mormons with a sense of humour.

    Appreciate the effort Ziff.




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