To: Public Affairs Department
From: Temple Square Security
Subject: Ideological Stop-and-Frisk
Date: April 1, 2014
We have received your request that members of the so-called “Ordain Women” movement be quietly removed from the grounds of Temple Square and the Conference Center during this weekend’s General Conference.
Unfortunately it has become difficult to determine just by looking at a sister whether she is a feminist bent on destroying the family. Although in the past, helpful cues like the visibility of shoulders (or of the crease behind the knee), or shrill demands for an so-called “equal rights” amendment, have supplied an indication of a feminist’s unrighteousness, “Ordain Women” has publicly stated their intent to dress just like regular Mormons, behave calmly and politely, and refrain from disruptive chanting or sign-waving. It therefore seems likely that these disobedient women will be able to mix unnoticed among the large crowds of believing church-goers on Temple Square for Conference.
One option is to simply bar women from coming onto the grounds of Temple Square between the hours of 4 and 8 p.m. on Saturday. This is an efficient option likely to achieve 100% success in keeping “Ordain Women” off of Temple Square; security officers could be stationed at every entrance to the grounds to politely deny any women’s requests to enter, and utility vehicles used to block those entrances once the meeting has started. We are concerned, however, that if images of hundreds of women being shut out from church grounds by a garbage truck reach the media, it may give the mistaken impression that we are discriminatorily excluding half of our church’s members from participating in core elements of church practice.
We are therefore developing a program which is guaranteed to root out subversive elements and maintain order on Temple Square.
As you know, the Strengthening the Members Committee maintains an elite squad of agents with the spiritual gift of discernment. These agents will be deployed in plain clothes across Temple Square on Saturday and, as prompted by the Spirit, will select women to participate in a stop-and-frisk. During each stop-and-frisk, the contents of a subject’s purse will be inspected to see whether she carries a For the Strength of Youth pamphlet alongside a recipe for a cake she plans to make for an elderly widow she knows , or whether she just has tampons, mascara, and Wendy’s receipts like a common trollop. The subject’s phone or ipod will be searched for FMH podcasts, Helen Reddy tracks, or anything that if played backwards will reveal its subliminal Satanic message. Our agents will also closely examine each subject’s countenance for the Light of Christ, and perhaps check whether her legs are shaved, and if so, how high.
However, we anticipate that, by grooming themselves as if they were normal Mormon women, planting scriptures in their handbags, and perhaps dosing themselves with Valium, many Ordain Women supporters will be able to pass even these rigorous investigations. We are therefore designing a unique ideological component to our stop-and-frisk program. In this part of the program, the subject will be given a brief orthodoxy quiz, asking whether they have a testimony of basic gospel principles such as the restoration of the Priesthood, the efficacy of ordinances performed for the dead, or the sinfulness of loud laughter. Agents may, as prompted by the Spirit, ask follow-up questions or demand that subjects bear their testimony of specific scriptures. (A subject who, for example, cannot commit to Doctrine and Covenants 1:38, may doubt whether the Lord really speaks through his PR department, and is thus a likely security risk.) In cases of extreme uncertainty, polygraph operators will be on hand to determine whether a subject really means it when she says she knows that Christ is her Savior and President Monson is the Prophet.
The Strengthening the Members Committee is also at work on a list of potential questions that discernemnt squad agents can spring upon subjects unawares, such as word associations (e.g., if I say the word family, do you say, “Forever!” or “Gays should have adoption rights”? ), open-ended opinion questions like “Who is your favorite former General Relief Society Presidency members (“Cheiko Okazaki” is a dead giveaway), and trivia questions like “How many wives did Joseph Smith have?” (anyone who knows this off the top of their head is a clear threat to ideological purity.)
Although there is a small risk that some Mormon women who are not affiliated with “Ordain Women” but nonetheless harbor feminist sympathies, intellectual aspirations, or are burdened with an unnaturally grumpy-looking face may be inadvertently misidentified as OW members, we are confident that the experience of being led away to an unmarked van and held in the tunnels beneath the Assembly Hall for the duration of the evening, denied food and water while members of the discernment squad snack on Lion House rolls, will convince these women to put their lives in order and recommit themselves to every precept of the Church and every level of its bureaucracy.
We look forward to consulting with you further on this matter, especially as regards the existence of either the discernment squad or the Committee, which we prefer, as always, to keep mostly speculative.
- 1 April 2014