Ten More Changes the Church Could Make and Un-make before Next Conference

The Church has announced that the Saturday night session of General Conference will be held after all, although it’s not going to be a priesthood or women’s session, but another general session. I think it’s unfortunate that the net effect of the change will most likely be fewer women speakers. I am happy, though, to see Church leaders being willing to reconsider changes they’ve made, even after those changes have been made public, like they also did with the Manti Temple renovation. Of course I still have lots of things to complain about, like that I wish GAs would seriously consider larger changes, like how to spend the Church’s money or how to give the Church a more robust and representative leadership structure by extending the priesthood to women. And the constant tinkering really isn’t compatible with the obedience-demanding stance of the Church. I’m fine with the reality that Church leaders are feeling their way in the dark just like the rest of us, but I think it’s manifestly absurd when they demand absolute loyalty and zero questions or dissent while they clearly don’t know exactly what they’re doing much of the time either.

Mostly, though, rather than seriously considering what this change might mean, I wanted to go my more typical silly route and come up with a list of changes the Church might make and un-make before October Conference. If you have more suggestions, please don’t hesitate to add them in the comments!

1. Decanonize the Pearl of Great Price. Then re-canonize it with some musical additions, under the name “The Pearl of Elder Price.”
2. Reduce tithing to 9% of income. Then increase it back to 10%, but require that it be paid in animals, land, or cryptocurrency.
3. Expand the Word of Wisdom to officially ban caffeine. And chocolate. A week later, after half of the Church has resigned, un-ban both, and as an additional incentive to lure people back, also un-ban tea and coffee.
4. Start asking people about their COVID vaccination status in the temple recommend interview. After many Trumpists resign, delete the question and replace it with a question about whether people have faith to be healed without the aid of medicine. Also, introduce snake handling in sacrament meeting.
5. Announce that women may have up to 15 piercings (one for each member of the Q15), but only if they never wear rings in them with Mormon acronyms such as CTR, RULDS2, or WWRMND. Then reverse course and ban all piercings for women while requiring them for men: One in each ear and one in the nose, a Trinity of reminders of their priesthood.
6. For convenience in record-keeping and the handiness of not needing to keep a paper temple recommend, ask all members to have their membership number tattooed either on their right hand or their forehead. After people complain, reverse course and tell them that this was only a test, and that if they had been righteous enough, they would have realized this.
7. Announce a new extended format for Conference, in which 20 sessions spread across 10 days permit every GA and General Officer and board member to give a talk, as well as every temple president and mission president. Later, rather than returning to the old format, reduce Conference to a single five-hour session, in which the Church President gives a marathon of a talk, interrupted only by a congregational hymn each hour.
8. Move the Church website to churchofjesuschristoflatterdaysaints.org. Then add the definite article and move it to thechurchofjesuschristoflatterdaysaints.org. Then add the hyphen and move to thechurchofjesuschristoflatter-daysaints.org. Finally, announce that the Church has obtained its own top-level domain, .latterdaysaints, and the Church website will be thechurchofjesuschrist.latterdaysaints.
9. Ask Church members to be prepared with food storage to last three years. The next week, tell them it’s not needed after all, and that they should pack up and be ready to head to Missouri at a moment’s notice. Watch for Conference viewership to explode.
10. Announce that the Salt Lake Temple renovations have grown too complicated, and the whole temple will be demolished and rebuilt from scratch. After outcry from members, announce that actually, the original temple will be preserved, and 50 floors will be added to the temple to make it the tallest building in the city.