A Mormon Swear Word

What might a Mormon swear word look like? I’m not talking about softened versions of profanities like shiz and fetch and flip that many Mormons use to avoid their harsher cousins. (Although I admit that, especially given that my blogging name comes from the Book of Mormon, I have a soft spot for shiz, since it’s not only a fun word, but a Book of Mormon character.) I mean a full-fledged expletive that people could clutch their pearls when they hear.

Photo by Julien L on Unsplash

What prompted me to ask this question was that I recently started reading Benjamin K. Bergen’s book on profanity, What the F. In the first couple of chapters, Bergen looks at the types of words that get used as profanities. Across languages, it seems like they are references to holy things made profane (which is of course where the word profanity comes from), to sex, and to defecation/urination/vomiting. (Bergen includes a fourth category, slurs, but to me, this seems like a different type of word.) It’s the first group that interests me here. He points out that a substantial fraction of the most common profanities in places where the Catholic Church is or has been influential are not just religious words, but particularly Catholic-related ones:

Quebecois French . . . makes heavy use of what it calls sacres (“consecrations”) — strong profanities related to Catholicism and Catholic liturgical concepts. Far stronger than merde (“shit”) or foutre (“fuck”) in Quebec are tabarnack (“tabernacle”), calisse (“chalice”), and calvaire (“Calvary”).

The Mormon angle here is just that I was wondering what kind of Mormon holy word might be turned into a profanity if the LDS Church were as influential as Catholicism.

In the following chapter, Bergen looks at what makes a good swear word. Well, he doesn’t exactly frame it that way, but he looks at patterns in profanities (this time in English only) and finds that, in comparison with words in general, they more often (1) have just one syllable, (2) end with a consonant sound rather than a vowel sound, and (3) end with what’s called a stop or plosive, which is a sound that can’t be carried out indefinitely. (For example, a k sound is a stop, while an m sound is not.)

Bergen proposes some interesting possibilities about how these patterns came to be, although he admits they’re only speculation. For example, he guesses that because ending vowel sounds are easier for children learning to speak to say, then perhaps an ending consonant sound makes a word sound more adult. He also speculates that one-syllable profanities are more satisfying to use in situations of quick pain and frustration.

In any case, I was thinking about what Mormon-specific words would fit Bergen’s criteria for a good English profanity. We have lots of extra holy people in all our bonus scriptures that Christianity in general lacks. However, many of the most prominent names are too long and have entirely the wrong ending. For example, Nephi, Lehi, Moroni, and Ether. And Mormon, victory for Satan though it may be, also has too many syllables, not to mention a non-stop ending. Latter-day prophets are no better, what with all the names like Smith, Young, Benson, and Nelson. Even when you get one syllable (Lee), it ends with a namby-pamby vowel sound.

How about concepts that are unique to Mormonism, or used differently or emphasized more in the Church than elsewhere? These mostly suffer from being too long. Family history. Temples. Exaltation. Word of Wisdom. The short ones (e.g., God) are already in use from Christianity or religion more generally.

One possibility that I think might be a good candidate is the Family Proclamation. Of course, its name is far too long, particularly if you go all in and say “The Family: A Proclamation to the World.” But what if you shorten it, as I’ve done and seen done, to FamProc? Or even better, to Proc? Proc is ideal, I think. It’s one syllable and ends with a consonant stop. Slam your finger in the car door? Proc! Walk in on chaos at home or at work? What the Proc is going on here? Want to insult someone? You Procking Procker! One possible drawback, of course, is that the FamProc might be consigned to the “I don’t know that we emphasize it” dustbin of Mormon history by the time Proc gained any traction, but I figure I’m pretty much already living in fantasyland in thinking that a Mormon swear word could catch on more generally anyway.

What do you think? What Mormon-specific word would make a good profanity?

 

20 comments

  1. I can’t believe you left out *the* pseudo-swear of my teen years: Our favorite Jaredite “Shiz”

    Having recently watched Luca, I enjoyed Giulia’s cheese swears (“Santa Mozarella!”) and I think we could make good use of some mormon food cliches. While the big ones– Funeral Potatoes and Lime Jello– don’t follow the good swear rules there are some likely candidates: Chocolate Milk (“Aw milk!”), Root-beer floats (“float you!”), and Honey-Nut Cheerios in a Bag (“You crashed the car? Honey-Nut Cheerios in a Bag, Gary, I just paid that off!”).

  2. Ooh, the food ones are good additions, Starfoxy! (And if you look back at the first paragraph, I did include your favorite, shiz.)

  3. Sadly, the younger generation is absolutely obsessed with swearing. I do not think they need any pseudo-swear words. They imitate what they hear in music and movies and generally use language so foul it would send a nun into cardiac arrest.

  4. Oh, ha! Now that makes sense! Thanks, Last Lemming! And I think you’re right, JLM, that it would fit more in the slur category that Bergen uses. But since we’re just making stuff up here anyway, it sounds good to me!

  5. JCS’s comment reminds me that within the Bloggernacle, at least, we could adopt “croc” as our go to swear word.

  6. I served a mission to Quebec, and made those same observations. It seems to me to be an interesting reflection on the complicated relationship French Canadians had with the dominant Catholic church in Quebec. I admit to being both intrigued by the practice and somewhat repulsed by it.

    In that spirit, some hopefully-not-too-irreverent examples of things that might represent my complex relationship with the LDS Church.
    “White Shirt!!!” — The white shirt is such a long running cultural marker of orthodoxy, it might make a nice swear word. “Suit coat!!!” probably also works here.
    “Shave (it)!!!!” — It might be more of a reflection on my relationship to BYU, but, being clean shaven has also long been a marker of orthodoxy. Could be used by itself — “Oh Shave!!!” or to describe what you will do — “So help me, I’ll shave your face into next week!!!!”
    “Jello” — Isn’t it said that Utah sells more Jello than any other state, and isn’t that attributed to something Mormon? Use alone, or add emphasis with additional descriptors — “Green Jello with carrot shavings!!!!”

  7. Last Lemming, yes! That’s perfect!

    MrShorty, I like your contributions, especially “white shirt!”

  8. Some ideas:
    Oath! (Either oath and covenant of the priesthood or just a generic “oath”)
    Oh, bish.
    Trek!

    Although I think true Mormon profanity would need to be temple derived. How about…
    Toke! (Short for token)
    Oh my fig!
    She got rolled! (Life so bad, put on prayer roll)
    Garm’it!

  9. I often yell something that’s roughly like “shirt fleck.” Shirt matches your linguistic requirements and perhaps calls to mind something like what Lemming proposes with “white shirt.” “Fleck” might suggest discarding the Gospel or good choices, akin to “hock” or “chuck,” all of which could work.

  10. I don’t know about swear words but I have (for several years) been trying to coin the term “praydar.” It’s the feeling you get right before the teacher asks you to say the closing prayer. (Prayer + radar). I know it’s off topic but I’m just trying to spread the word of my LDS colloquialism in the hopes it will catch on.

  11. I imagine that many Mormon swear words were uttered when the church announced that it was in-canceling the Saturday evening session.

  12. Since the German language is full of harsh consonants, I nominate “UCHTDORF!!”
    Very satisfying, even if shortened,
    “Ahh, DORF!!”

Comments are closed.