Zelophehad’s Daughters

Hi! I’m super righteous, and I’m against women’s ordination.

Posted by Melyngoch

Women’s ordination is in the air. A handful of contentious probably-anti-Mormon trouble-makers who should just pray about the Proclamation on the Family and all their concerns will be resolved :) have “started” a “movement” to try to make the Church ordain women.

I’m not at all closed-minded, so I’ve tried to really work out what I think about this issue—I mean, I think women are just as important as men, and I feel really sorry for all the women who don’t really think God loves them and so they turn into feminists, LOL! Seriously, though, is women’s ordination possible? Is it a good idea? Would it drive men out of the church, or just make them lazy? Would the differences between the sexes just evaporate if women were ordained?

Would I even want the Priesthood? Would I be strong enough to be a bishop, or a stake president? Do I crave power and authority and attention that much? Can I be humble enough to fulfill the role God has given me without demanding more?

I’ve thought through the issue from every single side, and this is my conclusion:

I’m too righteous to endorse women’s ordination.

I’m really, really righteous, guys. I always dress so you can’t see any cleavage, I’ve never done any hard drugs, and I magnify my calling like an electron microscope that’s high on life! And while it might be great for women to be able to participate in church governance and serve others while worthily calling on the power of God—I mean I can see that theoretically if you don’t really GET the NATURAL ORDER of the GOSPEL—but seriously: when you meet someone who’s all, And I think the Mormons should ordain women, probably the last thing you think is, Wow, that person’s so righteous! No, you think, what a power-hungry man-hating apostate harpy, I SURE HOPE God forgives her someday! :) :)

But I’m pretty righteous. And righteous girls don’t want to be ordained. Righteous girls don’t go around lobbying GOD’S PERFECT KINGDOM for change, because righteous girls know that God wouldn’t make an imperfect church, would he? So, that’s why the Church doesn’t ever have to change, and trying to change it makes you an instrument of the DEVIL. That’s how you know I’m really righteous – I’m working against the INSTRUMENTS of SATAN!!

I just really love the role that God has given me to be a wife and mother. Well, okay, a theoretical wife and mother, because I don’t actually have any husbands or children. But I have nieces and nephews! (An aunt is kind of like a mother, right? Minus the part where you give birth and raise them and don’t sleep for the first five or six or eighteen years and are actually responsible for them.) Also, boobs, and pretty great hair, both of which men like to look at. If I turn straight men on, that’s kind of like being a wife, right? (Minus the part where you actually get to have sex, or a relationship. Or, exaltation. Bummer.)

Anyway, I love the Priesthood, and I think it’s the most important thing ever, which is why, given all my righteousness, I wouldn’t dream of wanting it! And I’ll slap down anyone else who wants it, because they just want power and don’t have a testimony! (I mean, unless they’re a man, LOL! Then they should totally want it.)

Besides, I have plenty to do over in my little corner of the Church without any priesthood! I mean, I have a calling – I catalog the choir music! That’s super important, kind of like being Bishop of the Choir Music Closet, but not really, cause I can’t be a bishop cause I’m a woman. And sure, if my visiting teachee is sick I can’t call on the power of God to heal her, but I can sure bring her a casserole! (note to self: learn how to make a casserole, asap.)

I’m fine not having the Priesthood, because I don’t need other people to think I’m important to know how important I am. That’s why I’m here to tell you that, if you’re one of those prideful arrogant sisters who think they need the Priesthood to be important, well, we’re not going to up and change everything just to make you “feel better”! Your “feelings” about being “unequal” are actually just stupid, because obviously, we’re all equal. Obviously, because equality is good, and the Church is perfect, so, duh. Stop thinking you’re so important that those of us who know how important we are have to listen to you sowing contention!

If you would just humbly and righteously embrace your role and follow the Prophet, you wouldn’t want women to be ordained. (Like me!)

But, p.s.: If God decides he wants women ordained, and he tells us in a totally unmistakable way, i.e., with Elder Holland at a press conference, then of course, I’ll realize I’ve been hoping and praying for this my whole life!!! Continuing revelation is the best! You heard it here first.

46 Responses to “Hi! I’m super righteous, and I’m against women’s ordination.”

  1. 1.

    also :D

  2. 2.

    You totally sound like the kind of girl my mission comp told me I would get if I worked real hard, even though it was SO HARD knocking on all those doors, always having to rebuke people (using my priesthood, of course), fighting away the dogs, not flirting with the Laurels… anyway, you wanna go to Provo beach with me this Saturday?

  3. 3.

    Meh.

    People have differing opinions. Mocking people who disagree with you might be cathartic but it doesn’t do much good in the world.

  4. 4.

    If we ordain women, what’s to stop us from ordaining little children, or house pets, or home appliances???

  5. 5.

    Geoff, the mockery here is of a particular line of argument, and of a silly self-righteous posture that often accompanies it. It’s undoubtedly possible to disagree with women’s ordination on other grounds, without being a tool about it.

  6. 6.

    I just want an electron microscope now. Does that make me prideful? Asking for things others have that I don’t? There goes my righteousness!

  7. 7.

    The priesthood is all about service and developing compassion for others. Unless women want it. Then it’s just about power and authority over others. LOL!

  8. 8.

    “note to self: learn how to make a casserole, asap” ftw!

  9. 9.

    I’m just really grateful for such uber righteous people who write posts like this. It lets me not have to think for myself and instead I can go back to thinking about stuff that *really* matters – like shaping myself into the perfect future-supporter of a priesthood holder. Phew!

  10. 10.

    I think the problem would be solved if stopped ordaining most of those who we do now ordain, and going forward only ordain men who were actually righteous. I mean, men who’ve seen Jesus, or maybe an angel, due to always being at their very best. I’m tired of spiritual delinquents and other kinds of imbeciles holding the Priesthood and screwing up the universe with their uninspired blessings.

    Also, I think Priesthood holders should be branded in some special way that ensures I’m not following an inappropriate man.

  11. 11.

    TAMN IS THAT YOU?!?!

  12. 12.

    Guys, I’m going to have to unfriend you now cause I’m so righteous that I can’t have apostates in my friends list with weird pink and red profile pictures!!!!! But, I mean, unless Elder Holland says be friends with all apostates on facebook then I’ll just say, duh, I always have been, lol!

  13. 13.

    Awesome! But wait, because I read this post on the liberal bloggernacle it must be false, therefore the logical conclusion is that I must support ordination of women. It’s all so confusing!

  14. 14.

    totes brills!

  15. 15.

    This and the Bouncer interview rank up there with Socratic Dialogue. Brilliant!

  16. 16.

    All those poor women who don’t understand their rolls. It makes me SO SAD for them!!!1!!

  17. 17.

    oops! I meant *they’re* rolls!
    haha! typo

  18. 18.

    I love April Fools! Too bad that there are people who really feel this way……..Sigh

  19. 19.

    Can you be older than a Beehive, be righteous, and not know how to make a casserole?

    Shocking!

  20. 20.

    I miss TAMN, but I find this kind of post from a site usually dedicated to insightful commentary and posts that make me think (and feel) deeply to be slightly problematic. I guess it feels a little more … vicious here? Rather than light-hearted at a site like TAMN? (Maybe I just take ZD too seriously)

  21. 21.

    (kept thinking, wrote some more here)

  22. 22.

    Other than the paragraph that talks about a perfect kingdom, and the p.s. one, the rest is right on target. Yes, even the one about motherhood even though your not married or have are a mother yourself is full of insight and righteous ideals. You may mock, but there is truth in what was said.

  23. 23.

    You’re ignorance never ceases to amaze me.

  24. 24.

    I don’t know — she’s shooting fish in a barrel but I don’t know I’d call her ignorant.

  25. 25.

    I know, I was just trying to practice my condescending comebacks. I’m not very good at it. :( How about: You are missing the point on so many levels.

  26. 26.

    I have never understood the controversy. Seems more like its not up to me to tell how things should be run, one way or another. I suppose that if we choose to believe that the Lord is really in charge of things, we probably ought to at least have a strong suspicion that he will make it known what is to be. If people believe their advocacy makes much difference, I guess they don’t depend much on faith in the Lord anyway. The way I figure it, I did not make things as they are now, and don’t feel much responsibility to try to change them.

    I do what I can.

  27. 27.

    Oh, Jettboy, you’ve become a caricature of yourself.

  28. 28.

    Orwell-

    Round these here parts, we consider Jettboy a carefully crafted work of performance art.

  29. 29.

    “Round these here parts, we consider Jettboy a carefully crafted work of performance art.”

    The proverbial court jester — we can laugh at his pearls of wisdom all day long without having to take them seriously.

  30. 30.

    A.A, I gotta say, I love you. Thank you for enlightening me! I now understand!

  31. 31.

    ” I magnify my calling like an electron microscope” so stealing this.
    btw great post!

  32. 32.

    You know if the tables were turned and a “funny” post was written about this “movement” you would be bugged, if not just plain ol’ hurt or mad.

    Just sayin.’

    It’s gotta go both ways, friends. You want to be heard and respected but you mock how some may explain how they feel about this. People should still be willing to listen, but I agree with Geoff. This doesn’t help.

  33. 33.

    I’m pretty sure this makes me matter less in some people’s eyes, but this helps me. A lot. I think it’s a necessary thing to mock phariseeism, logical inconsistency, lack of critical thinking (taken to the extreme), meanness masquerading as righteous indignation, and so forth, particularly when you have endured such things repeatedly over time with all the patience you can muster.

    It stings because it’s so perfectly done, so kudos to the writer, Melyngoch.

  34. 34.

    Me too, MDearest. A related point I recall from Steven Pinker’s The Better Angels of Our Nature is that people writing and arguing against violence of various kinds frequently used humor to get their points across. Often it was to avoid punishment, but I think there’s also something to be said for using it to highlight frustratingly entrenched unreasonable opposition.

    Michelle:

    You know if the tables were turned and a “funny” post was written about this “movement” you would be bugged, if not just plain ol’ hurt or mad.

    I think that’s an empirical question. Try us.

  35. 35.

    Ziff, sorry, but it’s just not my thing. And the ‘try US’ is sort of the crux of my sadness with this. It’s just more ‘us’ vs ‘them.’ I can’t see how that helps things.

    I get the desire to process your pain and frustration as you will, though. I think I should go back to not commenting. :)

  36. 36.

    I seriously doubt you have a so-called metaphorical “electron microscope.” And your so-called “righteousness” is totally fake.

    Well done Melyngoch.

  37. 37.

    [...] be “leaders” without a male ever having to report to a female superior. How can you blame Mormon women for wanting the [...]

  38. 38.

    Humour is a weapon. Like all weapons, it’s best used against oppressors, not against the oppressed.

  39. 39.

    I need to hang out here more cause this is brilliant. Period.

  40. 40.

    Seriously So Blessed,
    http://seriouslysoblessed.blogspot.com/

    Is that you? You’re back?!! We thought you gave up blogging. Your spelling and grammar have improved by leaps and bounds ; )

  41. 41.

    [...] in Conference.” In a few cases, the context suggested that the statement was being made as a marker of being more righteous than thou, but in most cases, it came across to me as a genuine statement of surprise. Heck, I probably said [...]

  42. 42.

    Liffey & J.A.T., I also heard TAMN’s voice in this post!

  43. 43.

    Funny stuff. I’m honestly not sure how I feel about female ordination, but thanks for making me laugh. :)

  44. 44.

    […] Melyngoch, Zelophehad’s Daughters:  “Hi! I’m super righteous, and I’m against women’s ordination” […]

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    […] Melyngoch, Zelophehad’s Daughters:  “Hi! I’m super righteous, and I’m against women’s ordination” […]

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    […] Melyngoch, Zelophehad’s Daughters:  “Hi! I’m super righteous, and I’m against women’s ordination” […]

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