Women’s ordination is in the air. A handful of contentious probably-anti-Mormon trouble-makers who should just pray about the Proclamation on the Family and all their concerns will be resolved have “started” a “movement” to try to make the Church ordain women.
I’m not at all closed-minded, so I’ve tried to really work out what I think about this issue—I mean, I think women are just as important as men, and I feel really sorry for all the women who don’t really think God loves them and so they turn into feminists, LOL! Seriously, though, is women’s ordination possible? Is it a good idea? Would it drive men out of the church, or just make them lazy? Would the differences between the sexes just evaporate if women were ordained?
Would I even want the Priesthood? Would I be strong enough to be a bishop, or a stake president? Do I crave power and authority and attention that much? Can I be humble enough to fulfill the role God has given me without demanding more?
I’ve thought through the issue from every single side, and this is my conclusion:
I’m too righteous to endorse women’s ordination.
I’m really, really righteous, guys. I always dress so you can’t see any cleavage, I’ve never done any hard drugs, and I magnify my calling like an electron microscope that’s high on life! And while it might be great for women to be able to participate in church governance and serve others while worthily calling on the power of God—I mean I can see that theoretically if you don’t really GET the NATURAL ORDER of the GOSPEL—but seriously: when you meet someone who’s all, And I think the Mormons should ordain women, probably the last thing you think is, Wow, that person’s so righteous! No, you think, what a power-hungry man-hating apostate harpy, I SURE HOPE God forgives her someday!
But I’m pretty righteous. And righteous girls don’t want to be ordained. Righteous girls don’t go around lobbying GOD’S PERFECT KINGDOM for change, because righteous girls know that God wouldn’t make an imperfect church, would he? So, that’s why the Church doesn’t ever have to change, and trying to change it makes you an instrument of the DEVIL. That’s how you know I’m really righteous – I’m working against the INSTRUMENTS of SATAN!!
I just really love the role that God has given me to be a wife and mother. Well, okay, a theoretical wife and mother, because I don’t actually have any husbands or children. But I have nieces and nephews! (An aunt is kind of like a mother, right? Minus the part where you give birth and raise them and don’t sleep for the first five or six or eighteen years and are actually responsible for them.) Also, boobs, and pretty great hair, both of which men like to look at. If I turn straight men on, that’s kind of like being a wife, right? (Minus the part where you actually get to have sex, or a relationship. Or, exaltation. Bummer.)
Anyway, I love the Priesthood, and I think it’s the most important thing ever, which is why, given all my righteousness, I wouldn’t dream of wanting it! And I’ll slap down anyone else who wants it, because they just want power and don’t have a testimony! (I mean, unless they’re a man, LOL! Then they should totally want it.)
Besides, I have plenty to do over in my little corner of the Church without any priesthood! I mean, I have a calling – I catalog the choir music! That’s super important, kind of like being Bishop of the Choir Music Closet, but not really, cause I can’t be a bishop cause I’m a woman. And sure, if my visiting teachee is sick I can’t call on the power of God to heal her, but I can sure bring her a casserole! (note to self: learn how to make a casserole, asap.)
I’m fine not having the Priesthood, because I don’t need other people to think I’m important to know how important I am. That’s why I’m here to tell you that, if you’re one of those prideful arrogant sisters who think they need the Priesthood to be important, well, we’re not going to up and change everything just to make you “feel better”! Your “feelings” about being “unequal” are actually just stupid, because obviously, we’re all equal. Obviously, because equality is good, and the Church is perfect, so, duh. Stop thinking you’re so important that those of us who know how important we are have to listen to you sowing contention!
If you would just humbly and righteously embrace your role and follow the Prophet, you wouldn’t want women to be ordained. (Like me!)
But, p.s.: If God decides he wants women ordained, and he tells us in a totally unmistakable way, i.e., with Elder Holland at a press conference, then of course, I’ll realize I’ve been hoping and praying for this my whole life!!! Continuing revelation is the best! You heard it here first.