By our reckoning, it’s time for a well-earned break from aggregator politics, Proposition 8, and the finer points of topless-male-missionary-calendar excommunication. Following are nine excerpts from posts and comments–some quite recent, some positively antique–made by nine well-known denizens of the Bloggernacle. Can you identify the blogger who said each of the following? (Hint: each blogger listed is represented by exactly one comment. That is, no blogger on the list appears more–or less–than once.)
Although we suspect at least some and maybe all authors will be identified almost immediately, we’ll post the correct answers, results, and sources in a week or so, or whenever interest tapers off, whichever comes first.
Please keep in mind that this is strictly for fun; it’s not meant as a representative sample of bloggers, comments, or political or religious positions, nor as either endorsement or condemnation of any blogger, post, or comment. (And if you feel that you are a well-known denizen of the Bloggernacle and that we have overlooked you, your time may yet come! Check this space for future Know Your Naccles, to be provided as general interest suggests and as work, school and family obligations allow.)
Now for the challenge!
“You’re the kind of person that Jesus would have punched in the face. Even if Pilate and all the other Roman authorities were right there trying to hold him back, he’d break free of the centurions holding his arms, run straight out you, and then BOOM: straight in the kisser. A knuckle sandwich straight from the Savior of All Mankind and the Prince of Peace. Then Ciaphas and all the Jews observing would raise a cheer unto heaven as your limp body fell to ground, sorely injured by The Punch of God.”
“I’ve had the same understanding [that trials and blessings are synonymous], which began during the O.J. blessing.”
“Until we have a Spanish Inquisistion style ‘Amen Squad’ that busts in and releases men who have exercised unrighteous dominion on the spot, then we will have to deal with the reality that, regardless of whether or not a man really holds the priesthood, there will be unrighteous men performing priesthood duties and exercising institutional authority. Of course it will all be worked out at judgment day, but that is of very little value to those who are being hurt by such abuses now.”
[In response to, “I can tell this is a group of smart people, intelligent brainwashed people.”]
“Thing is, it’s so hard to keep up with the brainwashing. Not to mention all the brain dirty dishes. But it’s worth it, I tell you — because who wants a cluttered, dusty, unkempt brain, all with old pizza boxes and beer cans in the corner? What would the neighbors think?”
[In response to, “I think Elder Oaks was pretty clear in his recent conference talk about divorce. In fact, it laid out the standards and the exceptions. I would direct all bloggers to reference that talk instead of jabbering incessantly and unnecessarily.”]
“_____, with all due respect, go to hell. I’m asking for personal anecdotal experience.
“What about porn addiction? Would you guys consider that grounds for divorce?
“_____, come back from hell. Do you know where or if the church posts guidelines on how to handle temple cancellations?”
“Note to self: One way we can improve the way others think of us is to refrain from characterizing people with differing political opinions as the spawn of Lucifer.”
“Multiple mortal probations is the only way I can understand the problem of evil in the world. How do we explain a God that lets hundreds of thousands of his children be swept out of their one and only mortal probation by a tsunami? If this is their single mortal probationary state how do we call that a fair test? And even without the disasters, what percentage of the human population ever had a chance to even hear the name Jesus Christ, let alone hear the fullness of the restored gospel in their single chance at getting a body? Yes, we teach about temple work and missionary work in the spirit world, but why the incredible inefficiency? Why did they need a mortal probation at all if one can be perfected in spirit form? Is coming to an earth simply a formality in order to get a body that one will then be stuck with for all eternity afterwards?”
“If the title of this post is not enough to scare away those of you with delicate constitutions, then let me make the warning more formal: BEWARE, this post is not for those suffering from morning sickness, heart conditions, or Victorian attitudes about bodily functions. Just stop reading, I mean it, stop!
“Now before we tackle our very frightening poop story, let us discuss this new and exciting phase of my life, a phase we might call, wee wee willy wizzing.”
“Oliver Cowdrey has the distinction of being one of the few Mormon dissidents to make his stand against church authorities on the basis of obscure doctrines of real estate law. After the church was expelled from Jackson County, Missouri, Oliver was brought up before the Far West High Council for, among other things, selling his property in Jackson County. Oliver refused to attend the church court, writing:
Now sir the lands in our Country are allodial in the strictest construction of the term, and have not the least shadow of feudal tenours attached to them, consequently, they may be disposed of by deeds of conveyance without the consent or even approbation of a superior.
Update: The answers are in Comment #34.