Increase, decrease; To-may-to, to-mah-to

The Church announced a few days ago that the Saturday night session of General Conference will be dropped. You probably remember that this was a Nelson-era change from 2021 that was promptly reversed a few months later. I guess only time will tell whether the change sticks this time. I’m guessing it will, because it does kind of suggest that Dallin H. Oaks might have pushed for the change initially, and much like how Russell M. Nelson clearly filed away his distaste for the term “Mormon” back in 1990 after being overruled by Gordon B. Hinckley, he filed this idea away when President Nelson changed course and reinstated it. Well, either that or he spun the Saturday Night Session Selector and a helpful angel who was passing by carefully got it stuck on “no session.”

What makes me laugh about the announcement is that it’s so terse (30 words, nine of which are used just in spelling out the full name of the Church), but it comes with a headline that frames it as an increase: “Church Increases Focus on Four Daytime Sessions of General Conference.” Only the subtitle admits, “Saturday evening session will no longer be held.” This sounds to me a lot like the double-speak marketing nonsense that comes out of large corporations. “Congratulations! We’re expanding the benefits of our product or service to include this tiny irrelevant thing!” Then, buried in the footnotes, “We’re also ending this key feature that everyone loved.” (This isn’t to suggest that everyone loved the Saturday night session. Just that the doublespeak is similar.)

This framing inspires me to think of other changes the Church has made or could make, and how they could be reframed using similar doublespeak.

2020: Ensign and New Era archives are available on the Church website going back to 1971! (Both magazines are to be discontinued under their current names.)

1918: Church leaders generously provide grain to US government to help address worldwide shortage! (Relief Society’s grain storage will now be controlled by Presiding Bishopric.)

2018: Church is thrilled to announce greater focus on sacrament meeting! (Third hour will no longer be held.)

1982: Male missionaries are expected work harder than before to achieve baptismal goals in less time! (Male missionaries will begin serving for only 18 months instead of 24 months.)

1843: Church announces that Joseph Smith has one wife! (He also has a number of others, but he definitely has one.)

1921: Canon of latter-day revelation standardized and clarified! (Lectures on Faith dropped from newly-published D&C.)

2035: Most announced temples have at least had ground broken. (No new temples were announced for a decade following Russell M. Nelson’s glut.)

2045: Temple marriages are expected to skyrocket! (Gay temple marriages will be permitted.)

2050: Church announces even greater focus on sacrament meeting! (Second hour meetings are eliminated.)

2060: Church is deeply committed to the truthfulness of all 137 sections of the Doctrine and Covenants. (Section 132 is de-canonized.)