Nacle Notebook 2023: Funniest Comments

This post is a list of the funniest comments (and lines in posts) that I read on the Bloggernacle last year. Even among the comments, I’ve typically excerpted just a part of a longer comment. Each person’s name is a link back to the original comment or post, so you can go and see the larger context if you’re interested.

In case you haven’t read them yet, here are links to compilations for previous years: 2022 2021 2020 2019 2018 2017 2016 2015 2014 2013 2012 2011 2010 2009 2008.

Jack Hughes, commenting on Dave B.’s post “Next Up: New Testament” at W&T:

I believe in the basic Gospel teaching principle of “line upon line”, but not “repeat the 4th grade every year for the rest of your life”. That’s not what I signed up for.

Anna, commenting on Bishop Bill’s post “Love (terms and conditions apply)” at W&T:

See, most people base their idea of God on their parents because when we are infants, our parents are very God like. And sometimes we disobey and our parents don’t notice or simply fail to punish us. And so as an adult, we disobey God and go down to the honey tonk and take someone home to copulate like rabbits, and no immediate consequences follow, and hey that was fun.

Old Man, commenting on Elisa’s post “Royal Defectors” at W&T:

Some time ago I sought clarification regarding an apostle’s military record from the history dept. (The local seminary teachers were spreading some faith-promoting falsehoods.) The history folks forwarded my phone call and I ended up discussing the issue with that apostle. He laughed and shouted at me while his secretary held up the phone “Don’t believe everything you hear from CES.”

Comments on Ziff’s post “Thou hast revealed thy gospel hobbies.” at ZD:

• Rockwell:

I dunno. Is it really enough simply to use thee and thou when praying to the Almighty? Perfect pray-ers pray their prayers in iambic pentameter.

• Quentin (not Cook):

In addition to praying in iambic pentameter, we should also note the importance of subject/verb agreement when speaking like it’s the 16th century. Surely God cringes every time someone says “thou has” instead of “thou hast”.

The church leadership needs to consider the risks of such incomplete guidance on prayers in the handbook. People sitting in 2nd hour meetings throughout the English-speaking world are at risk of their opening prayers being unheard, teachers not having the Spirit with them, and unsafe travel to their homes thereafter.

Pilar Ramirez, commenting on hawkgrrrl’s post “Mormon Simps” at W&T:

If they [GAs] aren’t bothering to ask for answers they aren’t magically going to get answers for questions they don’t even know they could be asking. Much like that saying that you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. Our leaders haven’t been letting anyone else take any shots for a couple hundred years. Who knows how many shots they could have scored had the leaders not been such ball hogs?

Simon C., in his post “Happy New Year, 2830!” at W&T:

It’s 2830! We finally made it. Mormonism has reached its 1000 year anniversary! To celebrate, church President M. David R. Nelson-McConkie-Fielding Kris Kristofferson XXIII has announced a program of celebrations and commemorations throughout the year, including a special conference which will be broadcast directly into everyone’s brain and which promises to be not just “memorable” but “unforgettable” (largely because it will be broadcast into everyone’s brain).  This isn’t just historic; it’s will be “pure historic”. What can we expect from the future now that Mormonism is a whole millennium old? President M.D.R.N.M.F.K. Kristofferson XXIII explains:

“So many wonderful things are ahead. In coming days, we will see the greatest manifestations of the Savior’s power that the world has ever seen. Between now and the time He returns ‘with power and great glory’, He will bestow countless privileges, blessings and miracles upon the faithful…”

And Red Dust City on Mars will also get its 11th temple. Wow! Better take our oxygen pills.

mountainclimber479, commenting on Mary Ann’s post “Before the Urim & Thummim: Pre-1833 Newspaper Accounts of Book of Mormon Translation” at W&T:

Note to self: if I ever start having heavenly visitations or am given the power to translate ancient metal plates, document EVERYTHING, IMMEDIATELY after it happens. Make any witnesses to such events do the same.

Angela C, commenting on her own post “Why Ex-Mos Don’t Resign” at W&T:

[I]f membership in the Church was like trying to leave a gym, they’d make you pay tithing all the way until whatever your annual date is, no exceptions.

Jake C., in his post “I Believe in Church: An Inspired Translation of Hymn 134” at W&T (follow the link to read all the verses of his rewrite):

I believe in Church—my Lord, my God!
My feet Church plants on gospel sod.
I’ll worship Church with all my might;
Church is the source of truth and light.
I believe in Church; Church ransoms me.
From Satan’s grasp Church sets me free,
And I shall live, serve those above,
And ne’er be called to courts of love.

Elisa, commenting on Kristine A’s post “Pharoah & Jesus Zombies” at W&T:

A few weeks ago my kiddo went to Sunday school (rare occurrence for him) and the teacher said that if everyone bore a testimony they’d get treats. He didn’t want his lack of a testimony to prevent his class from the reward so he said “I know that the Book of Mormon is a book.”

A Turtle Named Mack, commenting on Sam Brunson’s post “Avoiding Affinity Fraud: The Las Vegas Mormon Ponzi Scheme” at BCC:

Those guys in the parable of the talents got a pretty unrealistic return on their investment, too – they were probably involved in some sort of scheme and it was wise for the third servant to hide his money from them.

BigSky, commenting on Bishop Bill’s post “Designated Survivor (Mormon Edition)” at W&T:

In terms of current succession under your scenario [entire Q15 dies at once], if Peter, James and John were not available for a return trip, here are my ideas on how succession could be determined:

By Nepotism: Elder Matt Holland and BYU-I President Henry J. Eyring could arm wrestle. The winner becomes church president.
By Competition: The area presidents could hold a winner-takes-all game of Risk tournament, with all area presidents playing for world domination, seeded by tenure.
By Checkbook: Bishop Causse may not hold the keys, but he signs the checks and controls the money.
By Coup d’etat: Clark Gilbert leads a CES uprising to take over the COB and lead the church.

SVBob, commenting on Janey’s post “Design an Afterlife” at W&T:

In the eternities there is no existential threat. Therefore no need for sexual reproduction. So, what good is sex in eternities, what purpose does it fulfill? Just sport? For old time’s sake?

Comments on Elisa’s post “The Temples They Are A-Changin’” at W&T:

• DaveW:

Are we allowed to laugh now? Is there a decibel limit?

• Angela C:

I’m assuming these Jesus pics are all going to be Nordic Tinder Jesus, but it’s still an improvement over Supercuts Adam

hawkgrrrl, in her post “You Have a Mixed-Faith Marriage” at W&T:

My son had a seminary teacher who claimed that Mormons don’t believe in evolution, that the idea was wrong. When my son pressed her on it, her “belief” boiled down to a distaste for the idea that she was descended from monkeys, a distaste monkeys probably shared

Jake C., in his post “What will we find in Spencer W. Kimball’s journals?” at W&T:

A transcript where Doctor Russ Nelson looks down at President Kimball on the gurney and says, “I’m gonna heal the fetch outta your heart!” And Spencer replies, “Easy there, boy. Just follow procedures. They got us this far, after all.”

Comments on hawkgrrrl’s post “Mormon Childhood Bingo” at W&T:

• Rockwell:

A count “wearing a two piece swimsuit” as not allowed for me, because as a male that would have been considered cross dressing, which I think would have been even more verboten than my sisters wearing a two piece, which was also not allowed.

• Robert:

I knew a few teenagers who weren’t allowed to watch PG-13 movies, nor the school’s sex education movies. Face cards, of course, were off the table, so to speak. They would have gotten an easy blackout in bingo, but they probably weren’t allowed to play that either.

Janey, in her post “The Church’s Billions Are in the News Again” at W&T:

I also don’t know what the distinction is between Ensign Peak making a payment and the Church making a payment. Does it come from separate bank accounts? Is this going to affect the budget to pay janitors to clean the Church buildings? (Just kidding. Five million is pocket change when your fund is worth $44 billion; we can still pay janitors. Just kidding again – the Church doesn’t pay janitors.)

DTHamilton, commenting on Janey’s post (bracketed addition in original):

Questions (fixed according to Elder Hamilton):
. . . 3. Are you willing to blame this on someone besides Jesus [the Q15]?
– It’s probably hard to blame this one on Jesus at this point. He would have had to have made a significant shift in finance handling since the “rendering unto Ceasar” days or when he told the young ruler to sell all he had and give to the poor. That advice today would likely be: sell all you have and give it to me to add to my astronomically large (like nigh unto Kolob large), well-managed, and strategically hidden stock market slush fund. It is apparent the blame rests squarely on the first presidency.

HokieKate, commenting on hawkgrrrl’s post “Hello…zempic!” at W&T:

I should be able to maintain my mental health through diet, exercise, and positive lifestyle choices. I’m on generic Lexapro and it helps. I did manage to decrease my dosage last year and I’m very proud of that. I do still feel guilty that my bootstraps aren’t strong enough, and my therapist and I discuss that regularly. Interestingly, I feel no guilt that I wear glasses instead of learning to squint better.

lastlemming, commenting on Dave B.’s post “Conference in Sixty Seconds: April 2023” at W&T:

Haynie’s talk was completely incoherent. He related the bottle-smashing story as a positive example of following the prophet, then promptly undermined his message by assuring us that there was no new policy on bottle smashing. Well, you can’t have it both ways, bro. Are we supposed to follow the prophet or not? If bottle smashing is not a new policy, then I can conveniently place prophetic words/actions/whatever that I don’t like into the bottle-smashing category–not something I really have to take seriously. At least we will be spared Elder Bednar telling us about the guy who broke up with his fiancé because she was too slow to smash her bottles.

Comments on Stephen R. Marsh’s post “Protect the family” at W&T:

• Rockwell:

Strengthen the family: make them an offer they can’t refuse.

Wait… maybe that is the wrong family.

• Janey:

Strengthen the Family: add the family pet to your employer-sponsored health insurance.

acw, commenting on Ziff’s post “Church Announces New Cryptocurrency: WritCoin” at ZD:

[M]y daughter has an ice cream shop where the two scoop charge comes to $6.66, which upsets customers, so she’s added in a one cent addition whenever that charge comes up in her processing Square system nicknamed “disappoint the devil tax”

hawkgrrrl, in her post “Missions & Brainwashing” at W&T:

In general the answers to why the missionaries are suddenly taking a new interest falls into a few categories:

• Have ward leaders put you on an “inactive” or “watch” list?

. . . On some level, it feels like being turned over to a collections agency.

Comments on Simon C.’s post “Holy Envy During Holy Week” at W&T:

• Mark, responding to another commenter who feared the temple ceremony would eventually be done at home on TikToK:

[I]t would still be pay-per-view.

• mountainclimber479:

So many of the members that I personally know who are claiming to regularly learn something new or deep in the temple can’t even keep the “mysteries of the neighborhood” (i.e., ward gossip) secret, much less the “mysteries of the universe/God”. If they can’t keep their mouth shut about who lost their job or who is having an affair in the ward, am I really supposed to believe that they can keep their mouth shut when their are claiming to receive new and deep knowledge of God in the temple?

hawkgrrrl, in her post “Silencing Dissent” at W&T:

Last I checked the Lord looketh on the heart, but self-righteous randos on Twitter, not so much.

Mormon Heretic, commenting on hawkgrrrl’s post:

I remember being called to be class president in an Institute class. I was the only one who dissented. Didn’t matter.

Comments on Bishop Bill’s post “Are We Christians Yet?” at W&T:

• Chet:

Change in marketing strategy because we already gave Satan a victory with I’m a Mormon.

I’m a Mason sounds weird.
I’m a money manager doesn’t have the right tone.
I’m a man-wife marriage proponent is exclusive and historically inaccurate.

• Fred VII:

Who is responsible for making hasten the work a thing? I need to put their name on whatever the opposite of a temple roll is.

Zla’od, commenting on Bishop Bill’s post “Donny Osmond” at W&T:

Donny Osmond is nuanced! He’s just a little bit Country, and a little bit Rock-n-Roll.

Abby Maxwell Hansen, in her post “The Hypocrisy of Our Missionary Work (and How to Fix It!)” at the Exponent:

I honestly think this would be great for the young missionaries, who could focus on just helping others and not numbers or statistics or how many people made it to a baptismal font. . . . . saying “Called to Serve” would finally be an accurate statement – right now it is more accurately described as “Called to Proselyte” – with some service on the side.

HokieKate, commenting on Dave B.’s post “1 Corinthians … in the Book of Mormon?” at W&T:

As a teen, my mother encouraged our family to treat each other as nicely as we treated our friends. I used “charity seeketh not her own” to explain to my mother why I didn’t need to be kind to my siblings.

The Pirate Priest, in their post “What Did Jesus Actually Look Like (and Why It’s OK if We Get It Wrong)” at W&T:

Looking at the images above (and any others you like) [depictions of Jesus], we can start to piece together a set of common elements and attributes that help make Jesus easily recognizable.

. . . . Smells like a fabric softener commercial…Obviously, I made this up, but that’s sometimes the sort of aesthetic we get.

mat, commenting on The Pirate Priest’s post:

As the son of a poor “carpenter” (day laborer), I picture Jesus as showing the physical signs of malnourishment coupled with years of backbreaking work in the hot sun. Picture those old Depression-era photos of Dust bowl farmers – except he would look Ist century Jewish, of course. Then again, from the scant biblical evidence we have, it seems Jesus did not take well to his father’s occupation, and he was kind of a bookish, awkward, and probably sarcastic kid. So a young Woody Allen with dark hair, is also a possibility.

DaveW, commenting on Dave B.’s post “Oaks on Gender and Identity: Two Steps Forward, Two Steps Back” at W&T:

For a church so focused on correlation, we don’t ever address the impossibility of correlating Dallin Oaks with himself.

Janey, in her post “The Bible Ban in Utah Schools” at W&T:

I’m wondering when the Utah legislature is going to ban onanism. After all, God immediately killed Onan for committing onanism (Genesis 38) and the Utah legislature doesn’t even care that consenting adults are probably committing onanism in the privacy of their own bedrooms. Who’s going to stop this degrading practice?? Where are the Republicans when you need them??

PawWingsArt, commenting on Bishop Bill’s post “Joseph Smith and Augmented Reality Religion” at W&T:

Joseph placing his face in a hat with a peepstone in the bottom that received a wireless feed from the gold plates. I wonder what resolution a little brown rock could produce? Could it match the Vision Pro’s resolution of around 3200×3600 for each eye on a tiny screen the size of a postage stamp?

larryco_, commenting on Janey’s post “Aging Gracefully” at W&T:

I found out early as a parent that being a cool older person seldom is successful the way you thought it might be. I thought my youth experience put me in a great position to be a cool older person. I had done three things that in the 70’s were cool and I thought my kids would think so also: I was a high school athlete, I played in a rock band, and I was student body vice president at USU. So, were my kids impressed? Hardly. How about my grandkids? Nope, they’re kind of embarrassed by how badly I am at video games. But I still have a great relationship with my 3 kids and 7 grandkids even though the things that I think are cool show what a dinosaur I am.

Comments on Dave B.’s post “Living Better by Dodging the System” at W&T:

• josh h:

In the old communist Soviet Union there was a joke that said “we pretend to work and they pretend to pay us”. Reminds me of the LDS missionary program: “We pretend to convert the public to the Gospel and they pretend the Church is growing”.

• Angela C:

My irritating comp . . . did a few things that drove me bats: I got the other companionship [sharing the apartment] to do splits to save my sanity, which she apparently felt was outside the rules and “tattled” to the zone leader who pulled me aside to say that I needed approval to do splits. Our DL was standing right there, and I said I had never heard of such a rule, that I needed to call the DL if we wanted to do splits. The DL on the spot said, “I hereby approve any splits you decide to do while you are in my district” and made the sign of the cross.

• Legal Nonsense:

I will never forget Super Bowl Sunday, 1994. A few of us wanted to watch the game and we devised a brilliant plan. The best friends (twins) of my girlfriend at the time had a Mother with a Stake RS calling and a Dad who was Stake President. They were out all Sunday as they had those callings and usually got home around dinner. And they had a great living room with a big TV and comfy couches. Church started about an hour and a half before kick off so we would make our presence in Sacrament meeting, sneak out different exits, all convene at my car parked in the very back hidden behind a tool shed and make our escape. We stopped to grab donuts and had a surprisingly long wait. We walked into the house and ran to the back for kickoff and there was the SP, shoes off, tie unloosened on the couch. “What are you doing here?” He barked. After a pause I asked back, “what are YOU doing here?” He then looked at us and said “One of those dounts had better be for me”. It was a great Super Bowl.

John Charity Spring, commenting on Janey’s post “The Parable of the Elephant” at W&T:

The OP strays . . . when it infers that God is responsible for creating all of the pain that humans suffer through. Much of the pain comes from individuals’ own actions: gluttony, substance abuse, and wanton sexuality for instance. It was not God who created the honky tonks, Dairy Queens, and 7-Elevens. It was man, influenced by dark forces.

Mark B., commenting on PeterLLC’s post “Changing the Sacrament Prayers” at BCC:

In the Japanese language translation of the Book of Mormon that we used 50 years ago, the word “wine” had been changed to “grape juice.” Luckily we never had to say that word in the sacrament prayers. The translation used now has made substantial changes to the language but has also ditched the bud?eki for bud?sh?. Miraculously, the grape juice has been changed to wine.

Comments on Dave B.’s post “Funeral for a Friend” at W&T:

• Bishop Bill:

I’ll be cremated, but at any memorial my kids want to have, they MUST play “Look on the Bright Side of Life” from Monty Python’s “Life of Brian”

• Faith:

We did travel to Utah for my mother’s [funeral]. . . . As a family we only spoke of my mother and little about the church or the Plan of …..what ever it is called this week.

• A:

Death is very expensive in the United States. My parents just closed escrow on their final resting place (kidding…mostly).

Jake C., in his post “Book of Sunstone: 3rd Lindsay, Chapter 11” at W&T: (He tells the tale of the Sunstone kickball game. The whole post is hilarious!)

1. On that summer day, there were no contentions and disputations among the Sunstoners. And the harvest of canned goods was plentiful. The word “Mormon,” once trodden under foot by the high priests of the Brighamites, became a righteous verb.
2. Verily, in that day, the true Mormonism, even the Mormonism of gathering and community, was had by all who sought it.
3. This throng of Mormons—for so they chose to be called—held tension with purpose, each in the covenantal ark of their heart. They beat their swords into foul poles and pulverized their ancestors’ bones into chalk foul lines, and with these fashioned a great diamond on the field of Mormon.

Steven, commenting on Bishop Bill’s post “Are Today’s Missionaries Wimps?” at W&T:

What I really wanted to comment about what the comparison of “Spartans” and missions. The Spartan army was a tough group of men, and homosexuality was extremely common, possibly required. Adds a different perspective to a Spartan mission.

Bishop Bill, commenting on Dave B.’s post “The Nine and the Fifteen: How Old Is Too Old?” at W&T:

There was a patriarch in my Stake that was very old and had dementia but nobody realized how bad it was until he gave a blessing to the daughter of a member of the Stake Presidency, in which he ordained her to the Melchizedek Priesthood. That was the last blessing he ever gave.

wayfarer, commenting on Dave B.’s post “A Shrinking Church?” at W&T:

My observation in the UK is that we have largely lost the rising generation, mostly due to the churches narrative on polygamy, priesthood and it’s once vicious attack on our LGBTQ community, as well as it’s self identification as Trump republicans. Nice kids want to disidentify with that, and don’t want that for their kids. I brought my kids up to be nice kids, seems like my bad.

April Young-Bennett, in her post “Oh @#$%&! I’m all grown-up and still don’t know how to swear!” at the Exponent:

I have only one vivid memory of my father swearing. In a fit of road rage, he crinkled his face like he was trying to hold something in, but after taking a deep breath, he opened his mouth and let it rip. What came out was the world’s mildest four-letter word and I don’t think he used it right. He sounded like he was trying to fight a lion with a soap bubble wand. I took it as a cautionary tale. Don’t swear unless you actually know how. Otherwise, you’ll sound pretty silly.

BigSky, commenting on Bishop Bill’s post “Costly Signaling” at W&T:

When we moved and I wanted to delay being asked to serve in a calling, I would counter-signal. Here are some of my favorite counter signals: . . . . If people ask you where you served a mission, making conversation just to get to know you, answer, “[Your Mission]…it was the best nine months of my life”

Dave B., in his post “Raising the Bar at BYU” at W&T, in which he comments on new student conduct requirements at BYU:

The new version of The Code has two sections, Principles and Expectations. The Principles section is just handwaving and name-dropping (Jesus Christ twice, the Holy Ghost once).

John Charity Spring, commenting on Dave B.’s post:

I issue my strongest possible condemnation to any so-called dress code that prevents men from having near, trim beards. The Savior, the original Apostles, most of the modern day Prophets, and all of the great Sea Captains all had beards. If God did not want men to have beards as he does, then men would not have hair grow in their faces.

Anon, commenting on hawkgrrrl’s post “Ward Boundary Changes” at W&T:

Yes, the metric [for making new wards] is tithe paying Melchizedek priesthood holders. For years I’ve been experimenting with the mteric… I pay tithing for our family under my membership record, not my husband’s. Dunno if it works, but so far it seems to be keeping him out of leadership roles….

kamron2, commenting on Janey’s post “I Am Not An Enemy to God” at W&T:

As a missionary in Russia, I was frustrated by how Preach My Gospel treated guilt and shame from sin as inevitable. It says things like “Although they [investigators] may not know why, they need relief from feelings of guilt that come from mistakes and sins” , “Those who break this law [the law of chastity] are subject to a lasting sense of shame and guilt that burdens their lives.” My reaction – um, no they don’t? Most people had little interest in religion and frolicked in their honky tonks like crazed weasels, without one moment of guilt. I was spending a lot of time trying to make people feel guilty and it wasn’t working! Where was the PMG lesson on how to make people feel more guilty when I needed it?

Old Man, commenting on Bishop Bill’s post “Touch Points” at W&T:

I have a hard time thinking that all GAs are disconnected from the regular folks when Uchtdorf lives in my community and the darn fool just about ran me over on that blasted mountain bike he pedals around up above Mueller Park.

Angela C, commenting on Dave B.’s post “”What’s the Mission?” at W&T:

For me, temple attendance falls into the “play stupid games” (worthiness interviews) “get stupid prizes” (temple attendance including eternal polygamy and second class status for women) category.

Old Man, commenting on hawkgrrrl’s post “Mormonism: Sense or Sensibility?” at W&T:

I suppose another way of handling it [declaring tribal lineage in patriarchal blessings] is to sell tribal tie tacks at Deseret Book. “Tribe of Ephraim is #1!” “Manasseh wins football games!” for the LDS with Polynesian ancestry.

Janey, in her post “Patriarchal Blessings – Guidance or Obstacle?” at W&T:

When I was in the MTC, one of the neat things missionaries did was get their patriarchal blessing shrunk down, double-sided and hard laminated so we could carry it in our pockets. The elders could fit them in their shirt’s breast pocket and sisters could tuck them into the side pocket on their scripture case. That way you could, I dunno, whip it out and check for a prophecy while we were out street contacting?

April Young-Bennett, in her post “Eat, drink and be merry, ladies! Women are exempt from most commandments.” at the Exponent:

“That inasmuch as any man drinketh wine or strong drink among you, behold it is not good, neither meet in the sight of your Father, only in assembling yourselves together to offer up your sacraments before him.” — D&C 89:5

Eat, drink and be merry, ladies! The alcohol prohibition in the word of wisdom is just for men!

Heather, in her post “Challenge Patriarchy all Along the Way” at the Exponent: (Follow the link to her post to enjoy verses 2 and 3.)

This year I knew my song had to be Barbie themed and all about girl power. So I took “Scatter Sunshine,” one of the most toxically positive songs ever, and turned it into an anti-patriarchy anthem. Go ahead. Sing along. No talent (or pink jumpsuit) required!!

1. In a world where dude bros
Take up all the space,
In mojo dojo casas
Women get erased,
We must not be idle
Let your power flow,
Let’s challenge patriarchy
Ev’rywhere we go.
[Chorus]
Challenge patriarchy, all along our way.
Smash and kick and question
Ev’ry passing day.
Challenge patriarchy, all along our way.
Smash and kick and question
Ev’ry passing day.

Dave B., in his post “A Tale of Two Apostles” at W&T:

I suppose there are plenty of sexually immoral persons in the world, so honest whoremongers who don’t fall into the “liar” category will end up punching their ticket to the telestial kingdom anyway. Being honest about your whoremongering won’t save you.

Doc Jones, commenting on Janey’s post “Exploring Celestial Thinking” at W&T:

“While you walk down the covenant path singing a hymn of Zion, ponderize on what it means to think celestial about your forever family.”

Literally every talk at 2024 General Conference.

Dave B., in his post “LDS+” at W&T:

I opted for the premium option on Paramount Plus . . . so I could watch Yellowstone without commercials. I didn’t want crass commercial content to interrupt the dramatic flow of Yellowstone’s profanity, violence, and murder.

CosmoTheCat, commenting on Dave B.’s post:

I’m currently LDS+, but pretty sure I’m not going to renew my LDS+ membership. I don’t particularly enjoy the movie shown on the LDS+ streaming service, and I don’t particularly enjoy being pressured to see that movie again and again.

Zla’od, commenting on Bishop Bill’s post “Baptism: Washing Away Sins” at W&T:

In that case, it would be important not to baptize two different people in the same water. Because the sins of person no. 1 would be there waiting to infect person no. 2.

Bishop Bill, commenting on Dave B.’s post “Losing a Friend” at W&T:

I could write a whole post on what the “competency test” [for GAs] might look like!

1. When the Prophet Speaks, the thinking has _______
a. Just began
b. Been done
c. Gone out the window
d. Not even started
2. Tithing is
a. 10% of income
b. Our bread and butter
c. The gift that keeps on giving
d. Something others pay
3. The combination to the FP vault is
a. 66-66-66
b. 07-24-47
c. 06-27-44
d. date of Priesthood restoration (super secret)

Comments on mdavidhuston’s post “Progressing Between Kingdoms (or Not)” at BCC:

• A:

If there is eternal progression, then does it not follow that there might be eternal regression?

• eastofthemississippi: (thanks to jimbob, who pointed out the maybe unintentional dad joke)

My guess is that we’re all gonna be surprised [about the afterlife] to one degree or another.

bazoldee, commenting on Bishop Bill’s post “J. Golden Kimball” at W&T:

If there was another J. Golden, we can be assured that any off-the-covenant-path remarks would be scrubbed from of any online printed material, and video re-takes would be done to replace those ‘improper’ remarks.

Comments on Stephen R. Marsh’s post “On prophets—a question” at W&T:

• Dave B.:

It’s no mystery how the LDS leadership would react to a not-from-the hierarchy prophet who rose up from the common people — they would throw him (or her) in the well, just like Jeremiah. So much for the restoration of all things. It’s the restoration of some things and ignoring or opposing other things. It’s cafeteria restoration.

• The Pirate Priest:

Jeremiah is interesting. Imagine it’s the year 2100, and the Canadians have been out conquering parts of the northern US. There’s a haggard-looking guy named Jeremy hanging out on Temple Square wearing a sign saying “Repent! Destruction is nigh!” and telling people the Canadians will destroy the city if they don’t repent. Lots of people know Jeremy because his dad was in the Q70 back in the 2020s, but Jeremy is generally mocked and hated by both church and political leaders for questioning their authority and stirring up fear.

Despite years of abuse and being pushed into the fountains, Jeremy persists…then one day, lo and behold, I-15 turns red as an army of Canadian Mounties descends on Salt Lake City and politely sets fire to the city. “Flipping heck! Jeremy was right!” Surviving LDS Mormons flee Utah into exile, seeking refuge with their CoC cousins in Missouri. They vow to one day reconquer their homeland and rebuild Temple Square. The “official” capital-P Prophets read up on Jeremy and realize that he was right about all sorts of things, and was a fantastic writer to boot (too bad Jeremy was captured). Over the generations Jeremy becomes one of the most revered prophets in D&C sections 263 & 264…we just ignore that bit where he was more right than the official leadership.

Comments on hawkgrrrl’s post “Who Are You, Really?” at W&T:

• Anna:

I never could make myself quite believe that God would pick a 14 year old boy as his prophet. Because let’s face it, 14 year old boys are still egotistical brats who are into mean teasing, cruel jokes, fart jokes, and …. yes, I had 14 y o big brothers …why do you ask?

• Brother Sky:

“We’re not a cult! We’re just a high demand religion!” seems like exactly what a cult would say.

• aporetic1:

I’ve read Hassan’s book and come to the conclusion that I was raised in a cult. The thing is, I loved it, and it lead to great outcomes. So I don’t think it was a destructive cult, but a great cult.

yahoo, commenting on hawkgrrrl’s post “Rebellion vs. Freedom” at W&T:

I wanted to sin. I wanted to wear tank tops.

Janey titled a W&T post “The Law of Chastity Works Great for Dogs.”

Comments on Janey’s post:

• Dot:

THEY spend the rest of the night dealing with a newborn baby? I’m pretty sure in Mormon heaven the man just heads over to his next wife’s place and spends the rest of the night sleeping there (repeat as desired). He’s got a busy day ahead of him, what with creating worlds, answering prayers (or not), and presiding—can’t be bothered with all that baby stuff.

• mat:

The message seems to be that if you don’t enjoy it [sex] or you’re not good at it, you’re doing something wrong because intimacy within marriage is the ultimate expression of unity between the couple yada yada, with God as the holy third wheel

• Anna:

No wonder I have so much trouble understanding Mormon God. He’s a dog person and I’m a cat person.

Dave B., in his post “God and Earthquakes” at W&T:

So none of the three alternatives (divine immanence, divine transcendence, cosmic materialism) is really satisfying. Each has its problems and puzzles. You are forgiven if it turns out you embrace Deism on weekdays, materialism on Saturday, and divine immanence on Sunday.

Old Man, commenting on Sam Brunson’s post “Women On Off the Stand” at BCC:

Who in the world wants to sit on a stand at any time? If you sit on the stand you have to at least pretend to care about what the Area Presidency says.

Not a Cougar, commenting on Dave B.’s post “Joseph Smith, Frodo, and the Gold Plates” at W&T:

If you’re a TBM, you assume that plates are sitting on Moroni’s coffee table in the sky.

Comments on Janey’s post “My Least Favorite Church Video” at W&T:

• Moss:

I love that video where they enact New Testament scenes from Block paintings. I know Jesus is wearing the worst wig ever and he’s the whitest white Jesus who ever whit, but the care that was taken in crafting these scenes is remarkable.

• Seeker:

I don’t remember the name of the video. All I remember is the alligator who chews up a guy who got too close. The message being: one sip of beer or an over-the-sweater touch and you might as well make your reservation now for Motel Hell.

• mat:

The second reason I don’t care for it [The Mediator] is . . . it proposes a pretty weak atonement theory. The Mediator doesn’t actually pay off the debt for the borrower. He doesn’t rebuke the lender for taking advantage of his neighbor. He’s more like the collection agency that buys a defaulted loan off of another lender (for pennies on the dollar because the original lender has already written it off) and then strong-arms the borrower into paying it off with harassing phone calls – even though the debt has already been paid for. Not much of a Mediator, if you as me.

josh h, commenting on Stephen R. Marsh’s post “A quote for our times” at W&T:

Wendy Nelson said that we should put questions after all others speak but an explanation point after Russel Nelson’s words. So following her instruction I’m questioning her and what she said (she isn’t Russel Nelson).

Abby Maxwell Hansen, in her post “What the Temple Actually Taught Me” at the Exponent:

Literally every book, institute class or temple prep lesson will explain absolutely nothing to you about the temple. If you try to bring this up people give you awkward looks like you’re probably only asking because you want to sell drugs.