A Heretic Reviews General Conference, April 2023

Fastest hymn: “I Believe in Christ,” Sunday morning.
Slowest hymn: “I Stand All Amazed,” Sunday afternoon.
Best hymn: “High on the Mountain Top,” Saturday morning. This is frequently sung as a congregational hymn, which means a vanilla arrangement, so it was fun to hear a different version with stuff like organ interludes.
Worst hymn: “Keep the Commandments,” Saturday morning. This is a dull hymn to begin with, and the bland arrangement didn’t improve it.

Longest prayer: 270 seconds, Adeyinka A. Ojediran, Sunday afternoon benediction. This was the second-longest Conference prayer I’ve ever seen, being beaten out only by D. Rex Gerratt’s 274-second prayer in 2007. (My data does only go back to 1996, and is spotty prior to 2005.)
Longest prayer, honorable mention: 186 seconds, Thierry K. Mutombo, Sunday morning benediction. At the time he gave it, this was the longest prayer since 2010, but then he was upstaged by Elder Ojediran the very next session.
Shortest prayer: 45 seconds, Mark L. Pace, Saturday morning benediction.

Best title: Vern P. Stanfill, “The Imperfect Harvest”
Phoning it in title: Gerrit W. Gong, “Ministering”
Most overwrought title: Ahmad S. Corbitt, “Do You Know Why I as a Christian Believe in Christ?”

Good patterns:

• With Russell M. Nelson, Dallin H. Oaks, and Neil L. Andersen focusing on different issues, and Jeffrey R. Holland and his musket sidelined with COVID, there was no mention of LGBTQ issues, which is so often an area where speakers say cruel things.
• Some men in the Logan Institute choir (Saturday evening) and the BYU choir (Saturday afternoon) actually had facial hair! And hair touching or over the collar! (Yes, even the BYU choir. Don’t tell the Honor Code Office!)

Good/bad pattern: Russell M. Nelson gave only one full talk and the usual half-talk at the end to announce new temples, and the other First Presidency members gave only one talk each (like last Conference) leaving more opportunity for different people (especially women) to speak. Unfortunately, rather than getting more women added to the lineup, we just got an abbreviated Saturday evening session.
Bad pattern: Speakers capitalize even random titles for prophets (“Father Lehi,” “Prophet Joseph”), but of course still refuse to capitalize—or even mention—Heavenly Mother.

Best laughs:

• I will never tire of hearing Dallin H. Oaks say “Isrul,” so it’s great when he gets to mention that choirs will sing both “Hope of Isrul” and “Redeemer of Isrul.”
• Dallin H. Oaks introduced J. Anette Dennis as “K. Anette Dennis” when she was giving the benediction Saturday evening. I assume that afterward, he told her, “JK!”
• Allen D. Haynie: “When I was a child, those prophecies of the last days scared me and caused me to pray that the Second Coming would not come in my lifetime—with some success I might add so far.”
• Dieter F. Uchtdorf told a story of a little girl who wanted her bishopric member father to stay home and tuck her in bed instead of going to a meeting. When he said he had to help the bishop, she responded, “Doesn’t the bishop have a dad to help him go to sleep?”
• Mark A. Bragg: “The last time that I spoke in general conference, my son-in-law Ryan showed me a tweet that said, ‘Really? The guy’s name is Bragg’—meaning ‘to boast’—’and he doesn’t talk about humility? What a waste!’ Sadly, the disappointment continues.”

Best lines:

• Dieter F. Uchtdorf: “The fact is, all parents worry about not being good enough.”
• Juan A. Uceda: “You never say, ‘What a foolish sheep’ or ‘After all, I do not really need that coin’ or ‘What a rebellious son he is.'”
• Ulisses Soares: “One of the most evident signs that we are drawing closer to the Savior and becoming more like Him is the loving, patient, and kind way with which we treat our fellow beings, whatever the circumstances.”
• Kazuhiko Yamashita: “Everyone’s spiritual timeline is different.” (He was talking about patriarchal blessings, but it seems like this is true more broadly.)
• Russell M. Nelson: “If a couple in your ward gets divorced, or a young missionary returns home early, or a teenager doubts his testimony, they do not need your judgment. They need to experience the pure love of Jesus Christ reflected in your words and actions.”
• Vern P. Stanfill: “We must remember that whatever our best-but-imperfect offering is, the Savior can make it perfect.”

Worst lines:

• Allen D. Haynie: “Knowing by revelation that there is a living prophet on the earth . . . causes one to be uninterested in the debate about when is a prophet speaking as a prophet or whether one is ever justified in selective rejection of prophetic counsel.” (So you think that a prophet is by definition infallible? Or just that he’s never to be questioned even if he’s wrong?)
• Allen D. Haynie: “Some of you may feel you have fallen short in your efforts to follow the counsel of President Russell M. Nelson. If that is the case, then repent; begin again to follow the counsel of God’s chosen prophet.”
• Henry B. Eyring: “Sadly, we all have felt the pain when children raised by inspired parents—sometimes one parent alone—choose, after a lifetime of faith and peace, to take the path of sorrow.” (To call this a “path of sorrow” is a huge assumption, and it’s frequently false.)
• Evan A. Schmutz: “If we trust the doctrine of Christ . . . We will limit or eliminate time spent on social media; digital games; wasteful, excessive, or inappropriate entertainment;” (Italics in original. Trusting Jesus means less social media? How about you make weird rules for you and leave the rest of us alone?)
• W. Mark Bassett: “My witness and testimony are that as we move forward with faith in Jesus Christ, the fourth day will always come [like with Lazarus].” (How many believers in Christ have had awful experiences or died comfortless? Billions? Could you please not make promises on Jesus’s behalf that he’s clearly not keeping?)
• Ronald A. Rasband: “If some of you are looking to fill what some call ‘a bucket list,’ this is it: fill your bucket with oil in the form of the living water of Jesus Christ, which is a representation of His life and teachings. In contrast, checking off a far-off place or a spectacular event will never leave your soul feeling whole or satisfied; living the doctrine taught by Jesus Christ will.” (Please could we not shame people for wanting to have even a little fun?)
• Ahmad S. Corbitt: “Parents, if your child struggles with a gospel principle or prophetic teaching, please resist any type of evil speaking or activism toward the Church or its leaders.” (Italics in original. I find it infuriating when Church leaders tell us not to contact them through official channels, but also not to try to change the Church through activism. What then should we do when they’re wrong? The reality is that they don’t like activism because it sometimes works, even if slowly.)

Interesting wording:

• Bonnie H. Cordon: “We want to create muscle memory of discipleship and testimony”
• Evan A. Schmutz: “If we trust the doctrine of Christ, we will set aside the shiny things of the world” (Italics in original.)
• Neil L. Andersen: “We welcome into our mind divine images, holy scriptures, and inspired hymns to gently cushion the countless daily thoughts rushing through our busy lives.”
• Quentin L. Cook: “beacon-light example” (Twice!)

Best line to get on Dallin H. Oaks’s bad side: D. Todd Christofferson: “Unity with our brothers and sisters in the body of Christ grows as we heed the second commandment—inextricably connected to the first—to love others as ourselves.”
Best line to get on David A. Bednar’s bad side: Ulisses Soares: “we pursue and develop these attributes [like the Savior’s], . . . we will be better able to resist the urge to take offense or offend those who hurt us.” (Elder Bednar would recognize only taking offense, not giving it.)
Best line to get on Ezra Taft Benson’s bad side: Milton Camargo: “There is no prescribed formula for perfect scripture study. It could be 5 or 10 minutes each day—or more if you can.”
Best line to get on Bruce R. McConkie’s bad side: Dallin H. Oaks: “As members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we worship Him [Christ] and follow His teachings in the scriptures.”
Best line to get on Thomas S. Monson’s good side: M. Russell Ballard: “Late one cold, snowy winter evening, I was leaving my bishop’s office when I had a strong impression to visit an elderly widow in the ward.”
Best line to get on Russell M. Nelson’s good side: Allen D. Haynie: “[W]e should not seek to use the words of past prophets to dismiss the teachings of living prophets.”

Lines missing an asterisk:

• Bonnie H. Cordon: “Livvy has watched general conference her entire life. In fact, in her home they traditionally watch all five sessions as a family.”
  • *This tradition can’t be older than a decade, because the option to watch all five sessions at home wasn’t available until 2013, when the threat of Ordain Women pushed the Church into beginning to broadcast priesthood session.
• Quentin L. Cook: “Our Heavenly Father’s plan for safely gathering His children to our heavenly home is not based on worldly success, economic status, education, race, or gender.”
  • *It’s not based on race since 1978. The gathering status of women is still unclear, as many GAs and scriptures view them as attractive objects.
• Quentin L. Cook: “In the 62 years since I commenced serving a mission in 1960, the number of full-time missionaries serving under a call from the prophet has increased from 7,683 to 62,544.”
  • *It hasn’t been constant growth. There was a higher peak of over 80,000 within the last decade.
• Dale G. Renlund: “We make a covenant only when we intend to commit ourselves quite exceptionally to fulfilling it.”
  • *We make an exception and baptize children at age eight, when they’re clearly unaware of what the covenant entails.
• D. Todd Christofferson: “We cannot be one unless we all bend our efforts to the common cause.”
  • *GAs will determine what counts as a worthy common cause. Rank and file members will not be consulted.
• Neil L. Andersen: “With the announcement and completion of dozens of temples, we are more frequently entering the house of the Lord and receiving His promised blessings.”
  • *It’s more announcement than completion.
• Jared B. Larsen: “Based upon audits performed, Church Auditing is of the opinion that, in all material respects, contributions received, expenditures made, and assets of the Church for the year 2022 have been recorded and administered in accordance with Church-approved budgets, accounting practices, and policies.”
  • *On the other hand, handling of Church assets hasn’t followed the laws of the land for decades.

Lines from participants gunning to take Neal A. Maxwell’s position as the alliterative apostle:

• Benjamin M. Z. Tai, in the Saturday morning invocation, referred to “confidence, clarity, courage, and compassion.”
• Russell M. Nelson: “pathetic and pithy barbs”

Best stories:

• Peter F. Meurs told about how, while driving on a family outing, he momentarily fell asleep and got into an accident that broke his wife’s leg and seriously injured their five-month-old son. He felt tremendous guilt about the incident for years. I appreciate that the story shows that GAs can be human.
• Randall K. Bennett said that when he was eleven, he was worried about his parents’ failing marriage. I appreciated that the story didn’t end with him miraculously pushing them to stay together, but rather with them divorcing. Stories of dramatic turnarounds only set unrealistic expectations.
• Juan A. Uceda told about a man who he became aware of when he met the man’s adult daughter. He had stopped attending church, even after decades of service in leadership positions, when he felt judged after his divorce. Elder Uceda was finally able to meet with him, and even though he hadn’t been part of it, he apologized that the Church wasn’t there for the man when he needed it. (I’m sure President Oaks was fuming when he heard this.)

Best story opening: Ahmad S. Corbitt framed his talk with an encounter he had with a fellow commuter on a bus. She asked him about his belief in Christ, and he felt lost at first as to how to respond. I liked how he explained how he felt and asked his audience, “How would you have responded in a few minutes?”

Worst stories:

• Gerrit W. Gong told of a girl who used the contrast between her attractive body and her modest swimsuit to get a young man interested in the Church. I hate how the story reinforces the idea that women’s most important function is to be attractive objects. Also, could we just once share a story of someone who’s attracted to the Church when they see something like a member standing up against racism?
• Carl B. Cook told a story of how, as a brand-new Area Seventy, he went to a stake conference with Boyd K. Packer. Elder Packer then forced him to give six separate unplanned talks over the course of two meetings. The story is bizarre, and the fact that Elder Cook reported it as inspiring rather than bizarre just reinforces the already-too-prevalent idea that GAs are always inspired, even, or perhaps especially, when they tell you to do ridiculous things.
• Allen D. Haynie told of how he sat with the First Presidency at lunch one day, and after Russell M. Nelson flattened his water bottle, Dallin H. Oaks and Henry B. Eyring did too, because it’s that important to follow the prophet, even in small, random things. This is a ridiculous and awful norm.

Story that’s become less relatable: Benjamín De Hoyos told of how, in 1975, he and his wife had to save up so they could travel to Arizona to be sealed in the temple. With more temples having been built closer to members all over the world, this type of story really sounds more like a long-ago event like pioneers crossing the plains rather than something people today can relate to.
Story carefully relegated to the footnotes: In his talk, D. Todd Christofferson told about B. H. Roberts, who as a Seventy in the late 19th century, got on the bad side of the First Presidency by running for Congress without getting their input or permission. In the footnotes, he told of how Elder Roberts later ran with their permission and won, but was denied being seated because he was a polygamist.
Story told by an unreliable narrator: Ronald A. Rasband told of how he went to a conference to divide a stake in Ghana, and “remarkably, I was there on a Palm Sunday.” After giving examples of how great the conference was, he noted that “Even the parishioners in a church nearby were honoring Palm Sunday.” So in his view, the Mormon conference was the wonderful thing, and it was nice that even the other Christians nearby, with their incomplete truth, were celebrating Jesus. I think a more realistic description is that, while the entire Christian world including nearby churches celebrated Palm Sunday and the beginning of Holy Week, the Mormons used the day for the tedious administrative task of dividing a stake and still thought themselves better.

Best scripture quote: Gerrit W. Gong: “In other words, God enriches ‘every thing to all bountifulness.’ (2 Cor 9:11)”
Carefully truncated scripture quotes: D. Todd Christofferson quoted Moses 7 and Acts 4 about the unity of the City of Enoch and the early Christians, respectively, but he also carefully cut each quote off before getting to the parts about economic equality. In Moses 7:18, he avoided “there was no poor among them,” and in Acts 4:32, he avoided the even more radical “they had all things common.”
Best made-up scripture quote: Vern P. Stanfill imagined what Jesus might have said after criticizing Peter’s faith when he failed to walk on water: “Oh, Peter, fear not and worry not. If you could see yourself as I see you, your doubt would fade and your faith increase. I love you, dear Peter; you got out of the boat. Your offering is acceptable, and even though you faltered, I will always be there to lift you from the depths, and your offering will be made perfect.”

Worst non-scripture quotes:

• Kevin R. Duncan quoted Russell M. Nelson as saying “The time is coming when those who do not obey the Lord will be separated from those who do.” (What we really don’t need right now is more boundary drawing.)
• Allen D. Haynie quoted Richard L. Evans as saying “Some parents mistakenly feel that they can relax a little as to conduct and conformity … that they can ease up a little on the fundamentals without affecting their family or their family’s future. But if a parent goes a little off course, the children are likely to exceed the parent’s example.”
• W. Mark Bassett paraphrased Russell M. Nelson, saying he had “pleaded with us to take charge of our own testimonies of the Savior and His gospel . . . to avoid polluting them with false philosophies of unbelievers.” (Like with the quote of President Nelson above, I think this type of boundary drawing, especially bringing up the idea of purity with the use of the word polluting, is just going to make relationships between members and non-members, and even between zealous Mormons and those of us on the fringe, more tense and difficult.)

Most dubious non-scripture quote: Mark A. Bragg said that, when he was in high school, he asked the famous basketball coach John Wooden, who was a friend of his father’s, for advice. He said Wooden began by saying “Your father told me that you have joined the Church of Jesus Christ, so I know that you have faith in the Lord.” Elder Bragg was born in 1962. Does he really expect us to believe that Wooden called Mormonism “the Church of Jesus Christ” in the late 1970s?

Most quotes of Russell M. Nelson:

• Milton Camargo: 4 (183 words, or 12% of the 1502 in his talk)
• Randall K. Bennett: 4 (41 words, or 4% of the 1066 words in his talk)

Needless quotes of Russell M. Nelson:

• Craig C. Christensen quoted Hebrews 12, but rather than just quoting it, to add authority, he said it was “as cited by President Nelson.”
• Bonnie H. Cordon and Neil L. Andersen quoted Russell M. Nelson for the line “Hear Him.”

Refusing to quote Russell M. Nelson:

• Dallin H. Oaks quoted “Hear Him,” but from the scriptures.
• Quentin L. Cook referred to “gather[ing] Israel on both sides of the veil,” but without referring to Russell M. Nelson.
• Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Dallin H. Oaks, and David A. Bednar (at least) didn’t quote or refer to President Nelson at all.

Best subtle product placement (Devin G. Durrant would be jealous!): Bonnie H. Cordon told the stories of two young women, Livvy and Maddy. This was a clear endorsement of the Disney series Liv and Maddie that aired in the mid-2010s.

Latest rebranding: Benjamín De Hoyos explained that, for help with family history, “We can all turn to the tools that the Church has prepared and that are found in the FamilySearch centers, which we used to know as family history centers.” I assume that calling them “family history centers” now would be a major victory for Satan.

Best names for Jesus:

• Juan A. Uceda referred to various scriptures to call him “the Good Shepherd, the Beautiful Shepherd, the Magnificent Shepherd,” and then later the “great shepherd,” the “chief Shepherd,” and “the Shepherd and Bishop of [our] souls,” and then “the great and true shepherd.”
• Camille N. Johnson, in an analogy to baseball, where a relief pitcher or reliever, takes over when another picture can no longer go on, referred to Jesus as “the Reliver [who] stands ready.”

Best illustration that service missionaries still aren’t seen as equal to proselytizing missionaries: Quentin L. Cook referred to “the number of full-time missionaries serving under a call from the prophet” with no mention of proselytizing, and then gave as the count only the number of proselytizing missionaries (62,544).

Big topic that I totally didn’t see coming: Patriarchal blessings. They were the major topic of two talks (Randall K. Bennett and Kazuhiko Yamashita) and mentioned in at least two others (Bonnie H. Cordon and Gerrit W. Gong).

Stop trying to make “by divine design” happen: Ronald A. Rasband.

Things that should go without saying, but thanks for saying them anyway:

• Gary E. Stevenson: “We might . . . adopt appropriate Christ-centered Easter traditions found in the cultures and practices of countries worldwide.”
• Quentin L. Cook: “The divinely inspired doctrine that we are all brothers and sisters and ‘all are alike unto God’ . . . accords with those who deeply desire for people of diverse economic and racial status to experience better lives. We applaud and join in such efforts.”
• Quentin L. Cook: “We respect agency.”
• D. Todd Christofferson: “We can have our hearts knit together in love, be one in faith and doctrine, and still cheer for different teams, disagree on various political issues, debate about goals and the right way to achieve them, and many other such things.”

Thanks for including women:

• Gary E. Stevenson talked about he and his wife worked together to come up with new ideas for celebrating Easter.
• Dale G. Renlund: “natural man or woman”
• Craig C. Christensen quoted 2 Nephi 2:25, but only the phrase “might have joy” to avoid being gender-exclusive.
• Russell M. Nelson: “‘If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy’ that we can say about another person—whether to his face or behind her back—that should be our standard of communication.” (Italics in original.)
• M. Russell Ballard reminisced about when he and his wife were dating, and he felt like they should get married, but unlike so many Mormon men, he didn’t declare that this was enough, and she needed to listen to his revelation.

Thanks for not defaulting to imperial units: Dale G. Renlund: In talking about about the pororoca tidal wave that sometimes flows backward up the Amazon River, he gave its height and distance traveled in meters and kilometers and only converted to freedom units in the footnotes.

Thanks for showing you’re human:

• Camille N. Johnson admitted that her pride sometimes stops her from wanting to let Jesus share her burdens.
• M. Russell Ballard told a story of when he was a bishop and he felt impressed to visit an elderly widow, but he shrugged it off, and she died before he got to visiting her.

It’s too bad you couldn’t admit to being human: Russell M. Nelson told a story about how during a difficult operation someone else on a surgical team got frustrated and threw a scalpel that lodged in his (President Nelson’s) arm. He said after this experience, he promised himself he would never lose control of his emotions. He then made no further comment on this promise, which seems carefully chosen to lead the most devoted prophet worshipers to believe he’s always kept it.

The dictionary defines ___ as:

• Evan A. Schmutz: “The word trust is defined as an ‘assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something.'” (Italics in original.)
• David A. Bednar: “The word abide denotes remaining fixed or stable and enduring without yielding.” (Italics in original.)
• Camille N. Johnson (actually providing interesting information): “What is relief? It is the removal or lightening of something painful, troubling, or burdensome, or the strength to endure it. It refers to a person who takes the place of another. It is the legal correction of a wrong. The Anglo-French word comes from Old French, the word relever, or ‘to raise up,’ and from the Latin relevare, or ‘raise again.'” (Italics in original.)

Longest footnote: David A. Bednar quoted 643 words from a previous talk he had given (footnote 18). For comparison, his whole talk was 1655 words.
Funniest footnote: M. Russell Ballard cited a biography of himself (footnote 4).
Most surprisingly nuanced footnote: Ronald A. Rasband had a discussion of disagreement between the synoptic gospels and John on exactly when the Last Supper took place (footnote 17).
Strangest footnote: Ahmad S. Corbitt had a footnote (footnote 1) to tell us that he had chosen not to name of the woman he met in the story he was telling, which seems conventional, but also that he had chosen not to give her a pseudonym, which seems strange. Calling attention to the fact that he wasn’t doing so seems even stranger. Is he morally opposed to pseudonyms?
Worst footnotes: Allen D. Haynie didn’t stop at giving a fundamentalist talk on following the prophet. He also added a bunch of even more fundamentalist footnotes. For example (footnote 27), he quoted Bruce R. McConkie as saying “No man who ever followed the teachings or took advice or counsel from the one who stands as the representative of the Lord ever went astray.”
Most interesting-sounding books mentioned in footnotes:

• Dale G. Renlund: God’s Bestseller: William Tyndale, Thomas More, and the Writing of the English Bible—A Story of Martyrdom and Betrayal
• Quentin L. Cook: Mormons in Early Victorian Britain

Longest talk: Gary E. Stevenson, 1995 words
Shortest talk: Russell M. Nelson, 548 words (his usual temple-announcing talk at the end of Conference)
Shortest regular talk: Randall A. Bennett, 1066 words

Best talks:

• Vern P. Stanfill had great things to say against perfectionism and for the grace of Christ in making up for our imperfections.
• Juan A. Uceda focused well on the importance of ministering to people with their individual needs.
• Ulisses Soares made good points about how we shouldn’t be rude to each other, especially online.
• Russell M. Nelson also talked about peacemaking and not being awful to each other. (Although I did like his and Elder Soares’s talks, I do also worry that they might also be used to try to shut people up when they bring up real and important issues.)

Mixed talks:

• Gary E. Stevenson had a promising start with a discussion of the realization that we Mormons don’t do much for Easter, and maybe we should take it more seriously. He took a bad turn, though, when he decided to return to the well-worn idea that we’re always the best, by asserting that the best Easter scripture is actually in the Book of Mormon.
• Dieter F. Uchtdorf was so well-intended and encouraging with his hopeful words to parents. I just worry that with his refusal to define parental success as anything but raising your kids to be Mormons, he only encouraged more friction between parents and happily post-Mormon children.

Worst talk: Allen D. Haynie’s celebration of prophet worship and zealous belief in infallibility was horrible.

Phoning it in talk: Dallin H. Oaks just slapped a bunch of scripture quotes from Jesus together with little introduction and no context. It sounded like someone challenged him and say he didn’t quote Jesus enough, and this was his “Oh, yeah?” response.

My heretical reviews of past General Conferences:

October 2022
April 2022
October 2021
April 2021
October 2020
April 2020
October 2019