Nacle Notebook 2022: Funniest Comments

This post is my annual compilation of the funniest comments and bits of posts that I read on the Bloggernacle in the past year. In case you haven’t read them yet, here are links to compilations for previous years: 2021 2020 2019 2018 2017 2016 2015 2014 2013 2012 2011 2010 2009 2008.

Most of these are excerpts from longer comments or posts. I’ve made each person’s name a link to the original source, so you can go and read them in their original context if you want. Also, the comments are in roughly chronological order.

Old Man, commenting on Bishop Bill’s post “Permanent Changes” at W&T:

How did Enoch get his people translated without strict adherence to the block schedule? How did the Old and New Testament prophets, prophetesses, apostles, etc., ever develop into the great human beings they were without long weekly meetings, youth programs and trek? How did ol’ Brigham cross the plains without a Sunday School Presidency, Primary, and not a single Eagle Scout on hand?

Michael Austin, in his post “BYU’s New Demonstration Policy Explained” at BCC:

This policy is designed to maximize our students’ moral agency–which we define as “the ability to exercise uncompromising obedience in the face of difficult moral choices while not being gay.”

Comments on Michael Austin’s post:

• Stirling McKay Adams:

This policy may be part of a formal move to rebrand “BYU” as “BY-CES.”

• peterllc:

the philosophies of men, mingled with with poorly drafted legalese.

• Rockwell:

Seriously, every one going on a date on the BYU campus needs to file for permission to demonstrate because they are 2 or more people meeting to raise awareness, primarily about each other.

• anon:

Pairs and trios of missionaries will, I trust, apply for university sanction?

Also, pretty much like Jesus said: where two or three or gathered, lo, the honor code is there.

Comments on Sam Brunson’s post “Handbook Changes: Music at Church” at BCC:

• Kent Gibb:

I volunteered a couple of times to perform on either my alto or soprano sax and was told in no uncertain terms that they would not be allowed because they were “Brass”. I tried to point out that they were not brass instruments but were woodwinds but was firmly denied by a Bishop that knew his metallurgy but his musical knowledge was lacking.

• Paul Brown:

Boyd: over my dead body
God: OK

• Mortimer:

Welcome, Moroni, to sacrament meetings. Now you’ve been kicked off the top of most temples, glad you can play with us no, bro.

Sasso, commenting on Dave B.’s post “Open Questions in LDS Theology” at W&T:

My favorite carpool moment, and high school kid’s real life application of, “Is God Subject to or the Creator of Eternal Law?”:

When I made sure everyone’s seatbelt was fastened, one kid told me, “God is my seatbelt”

Comments on Bishop Bill’s post “Non-Falsifiable” at W&T:

• Counselor:

I have been able to use A Christmas Carol as analogy to help this [finding value in scripture without believing it to be literal]. I don’t have to believe Scrooge was a real person to receive “truth” from the message of that story. . . . But I don’t stand up every December and say “I know A Christmas Carol is true,” or “I know Charles Dickens was a prophet because he wrote it.”

• Fred VII, quoting and responding to a line in the post about the plausibility of the Jaredite wars:

“Also, how would you provide food, waist management, etc. for two million people? ”

Atkins? Paleo? I know I struggle.

Bishop Bill, in his post “Next in The Shark Tank: GOD!” at W&T:

Mark [Cuban]: So you really don’t need any more money for operations? If you don’t need the money, I think you just came on to get exposure. I’m out.

GOD: Sorry to see you go Mark. I hope Luka Doncic doesn’t have a season ending injury this weekend, just saying…..

Spunky, in her post “Our 5th Sacred Text” at the Exponent:

[I]f it isn’t in the church Handbook, it can not happen!

. . . . And when our house was flooded last week, the handbook did not specifically tell anyone to come and help us move furniture, and yet, a member of the Elder’s Quorum did so… of his own volition. That seems wrong, given the Handbook and all—but it felt right. His wife even made us cookies—a recipe of which was also not found in the Handbook. (Obviously a little suspicious, but we ate them anyway. They were ridiculously delicious and I regret not having photographed them because the looked like perfectly made chocolate chip cookie mini pizzas).

Elisa, commenting on Bishop Bill’s post “Plan of Salvation 2.0” at W&T:

the Mormon plan of salvation (or POS … haha)

hawkgrrrl, in her post “My Apostolic Platform” at W&T:

I’m more inclined to think we should unordain men than we should ordain women.

mat, commenting on hawkgrrrl’s post:

General Authorities need to immediately stop using their middle initial . . . . Are there multiple Russel Nelsons, or Dalin Oaks among the GA’s that we need to use their middle names or we will mix them up?

Counselor, commenting on Stephen R. Marsh’s post ““I hate you”” at W&T:

Growing up pre Caller ID, our landline home phone number was XXX-XXX-4355. If you looked at the letters for 4355 it could spell out “HELL.” So we would get calls often with the caller saying, ” Is this XXX-HELL?”

Being a good Mormon boy this bothered me. But eventually I became a sassy pre-teen so I would simply reply without hesitation, “Hell, yes it is! This is Satan speaking, how may I tempt you?”

hawkgrrrl, in her post “How Do You Solve a Problem Like Brad Wilcox?” at W&T:

I took a minute to brainstorm other apologies that would be consistent with this peek at the Church’s underlying racism:

I’m sorry God’s so racist. He’s committed to doing better.

Dave B., commenting on hawkgrrrl’s post:

In its initial response to the Wilcox mess, BYU mentioned favorably its Office of Student Success and Inclusion. Good for BYU, but I’m sure there are plenty of BYU students and more than a few LDS leaders who are rubbed the wrong way by even the name of that office, much less its purpose (to make all students, even *those* students, feel welcome).

So — since we know they are not going to fire a religion prof for teaching more or less what LDS leaders have taught for decades — perhaps they will take this opportunity to even the score by forming a BYU Office of Student Regression and Exclusion and make Wilcox the Director for Student Regression and Exclusion. He could hire a couple of Exclusion Advisors. Any BYU student who hears, say, a progressive professor preaching the threatening idea of the equality of the races or who is troubled by a non-priesthood holding woman teaching a course or who spots a rainbow symbol on some kid’s backpack can go to the Exclusion Office and get a regressive pep talk. In a serious case, the student might even get a full one-on-one rant from Wilcox himself. They can host monthly DezNat lunches and invite various Republican politicians (I don’t have to name names) to give sponsored lectures. I’m sure there are thousands of eager LDS donors who would fund the whole project — the Church wouldn’t have to spend a penny to launch the I’m A Jerk Like Brigham initiative. T-shirt sales alone would pay the Director’s salary.

Elisa, commenting on Abby’s post “What Do You Do When Brad Wilcox and John Bytheway No Longer Have All the Answers?” at the Exponent:

equally ridiculous were his [Brad Wilcox’s] comments that women have every bit as much influence and visibility in the Church as men do and don’t need priesthood ordination for that. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Like, does he listen to general conference, or only speak at it?

John Charity Spring, commenting on Stephen R. Marsh’s post “Talmage on the City of Enoch” at W&T:

The Old Testament . . . is full of stories about people who behaved like a group of lusty marionettes who have broken their strings and escaped to the local honky tonk. Lot and his daughters should never be held up as role models for today’s young people.

Counselor, commenting on Bishop Bill’s post “Things That Are Probably Not What the Church Claims ( But are still good and worthwhile )” at W&T, responding to Bishop Bill’s question “What things do you see in the Church that while not as claimed, still have some good?”

As many of us will be doing the Super Bowl Sunday tradition today of eating extremely unhealthy food and drink for 4-5 hours, I would submit our belief in blessing the food and asking that it “nourish and strengthen our bodies.” I mean, we still believe in miracles as a Church right?

Mark N., commenting on Sam Brunson’s post “88 Keys and the Limits of “Chopsticks”” at BCC:

We used to be a Bösendorfer piano/church, but then we decided those extra polygamy keys at the far left were muddying things up a bit much.

Janeen, in her post “Why Our Foundational Narrative is NOT SEXIST” at the Exponent (it’s an excellent satire, and worth reading in its entirety):

The narrative begins in a spiritual staging, represented by a drab, black and white setting. There we find Dorothy, who represents us all. And by “us all” I, of course, mean “women”. Cosmic forces greater than she lead her to Oz, which is symbolic for Earth. The importance of family is stressed by the means in which she travels- a home. Truly, we all come to Earth through home and family. Although no men are depicted in this home as she travels, as she comes into Creation, it would be preposterous to assert that there were none. Men are an important part of creation. I mean, you cannot make a baby without a man- the thought makes reason stare!

p, commenting on Stephen R. Marsh’s post “What is the lesson of Corianton?” at W&T:

I’m thinking “Coriantons” would be a great name for a bar, a noisy happy San Francisco bar, maybe on a Friday night when it’s foggy & cool outside…

Jack Hughes, commenting on Elisa’s post “The Rescue and Sins of Omission” at W&T:

My bishop . . . was the type who genuinely wanted to do the right thing, but he also couldn’t sneeze without permission from the stake president. He has since been promoted and is now the stake president.

Comments on Bishop Bill’s post “It is better that one should perish . . .” [on Nephi killing Laban] at W&T:

Kirkstall:

One could argue whether comic book movies are more effective at teaching moral lessons than scriptures, but you don’t see The Book of Mormon Movie getting billion dollar box office figures.

Seeker, responding to another commenter asking for better ways to get the brass plates:

1. The Lord Does His Own Killing
2. Heavenly-induced amnesia
3. Heavenly induced temporary coma
4. Inside job bribery (yah, I know, their precious things are now gone, but they wouldn’t be if the Lord had come up with this plan in the first place)
5. Frame Laban for a crime, getting him tossed into jail. Staying in there until they are long gone.

hawkgrrrl, in her post “Adam was a Prophet?” at W&T:

According to the Primary song, Adam was a prophet because he was a successful gardener. None of the traits ascribed to him in the song have anything to do with being a “prophet,” and they are all literally things that apply to both Adam and Eve and to my next door neighbor: gardening skills (her yard is like a cultivated parkland), serving the Lord (she’s an Evangelical, so according to some, she’s at least “pretending” to follow Jesus), and having descendents (I think?). Aside from the gardening skills, I qualify.

Comments on hawkgrrrl’s post:

• Tygan:

Biblically and among most Christians, a prophet is defined by the knowledge they reveal from God. With Eve, Adam would have revealed to his children everything they knew about God and religion—who God is, why snakes are bad, the Paleo version of the Word of Wisdom, family history (which must have been really easy back then), etc.

• Josh h:

Perhaps we are asking the wrong question. Instead of speculating on whether or not Adam was a prophet, perhaps we should be asking how anyone could ever speculate that Eve was a prophet too. How outrageous ?.

• Dot:

It seems to me that the Mormon criteria for being a prophet are: 1) not a woman; 2) everything else is negotiable.

• Bryce Cook:

The best story I have about the song is when it was featured in a primary program, and one parent had their kids do robot/zombie actions on the “follow the prophet” chorus (i.e., arms outstretched, head immobile, eyes glazed).

• Mike Spendlove:

The verse about Adam makes no sense. “In a place called Eden, he helped things to grow.” How did he help things to grow? What’s the process? Was he personally fertilizing things with whatever tools were at his “disposal,” if you know what I mean?

• JLM:

The key to enjoying the song is to make up your own verses that are more textually accurate in a fun way. For example.

Elijah was a prophet
One of Israel’s best
He challenged the priests of Baal
To a god contest
He mocked the priests of Baal
Said Baal was a wimp
Then God sent down some fire
And burned them to a crisp

• Mike Spendlove:

Elisha was a prophet
Didn’t have much hair
So the children teased him
Said his head was bare

Then out came the grizzlies
Ate them through and through
If you mock the prophet,
Bears will eat you, too

• hawkgrrrl:

Huldah was a prophet
Full of prophecy
She warned King Josiah
Against idolatry

Josiah listened closely
To the words she cried
He survived disaster
But his people died

Why is this a story
That we never hear?
Are we ruled by men
Who live their lives in fear?

Feminists are scary
Especially when they’re right
Best if we ignore them
In our culture fight

• John W:

Samuel was a prophet
Told King Saul to slay
Men, women, kids, and beasts
But he didn’t obey

He didn’t kill King Agag
Samuel threw a fit
So Samuel took a sword
And hacked Agag to bits

Modern prophets love this story (see Robert D. Hales, “Agency: Essential to the Plan of Life,” October 2010, and Sunday School Old Testament Manuals)
And use it to this day
To teach all the members
About how we obey

Obey with exactness
Don’t omit no stuff
Don’t be like King Saul who
Didn’t kill enough

• Margie:

Deborah was a prophet
And a judge as well
She led men to war
In ancient Israel

She prophesied of victory,
She even knew the way:
It would be a girl who was going to win the day

And the war was won
By a woman named Jael;
This is not a story
The brethren like to tell.

“Judges can’t be girls!
The Prophet must be a man!”
Except for in the scriptures, where women are and can!

• hawkgrrrl:

Abraham was a prophet
Also was a dad
Tried to kill son Isaac
But he wasn’t “bad.”

Sarah was his wife who
had a child while old
If he killed her son
Their marriage would turn cold

Do we know how Isaac
Felt about this mess?
In our day, every one of us
Would call CPS.

A ram caught in the thicket
Replaced his poor son’s life
All this could be avoided
If Abe hadn’t brought a knife

If a prophet asks you
To lay down on some sticks
Get the heck out of there
He’s up to nasty tricks!

Did God command Abraham
to sacrifice his son?
Consider the ending
if the knife had been a gun.

Comments on Elisa’s post “Abraham, the God of Sacrifice, and Mormon Parenting” at W&T:

• Jack Hughes:

the Old Testament is like antifreeze; useful for very specific, limited purposes, but should never be taken internally.

• hawkgrrrl:

We teach the sunbeams, so the lesson was on getting a drink at the water fountain and sitting upside down on your chair. Plus snacks.

hawkgrrrl, in her post “Let’s Talk About Jacob” at W&T:

This week, they [the primary class] watched a video in which Jacob works for 7 years to “earn” wife Rachel, but is tricked by his father-in-law to marry the heavily veiled Leah instead. One of the girls was SCANDALIZED, reader. She looked like she was watching Real Housewives of Ancient Israel.

Comments on hawkgrrrl’s post:

• rickpowers:

Now, for some reason, God decides that he really likes Abram and is going to make a “chosen” people from his loins to bless all the nations. And all Abram and his descendants are required to do to hold on to this favored status is to worship only Him and don’t lean on their own understanding. Basically nothing else is required, no word of wisdom, no family history, nuthin’.

• p:

IOW . . . the OT is basically Darwin with a patina of the divine.

Michael Austin, in his post “Sunday Sermon: Singing about War while Praying for Peace” at BCC:

The Bible often uses physical conflict as a metaphor for spiritual conflict that people can understand. That’s swell and all, but the Bible also uses sexual congress as a metaphor for divine communion, and it describes Christ as a bridegroom to the Church, and we don’t have a single hymn about that.

Bishop Bill, in his post ““Extremely Sensitive”” at W&T:

Is the LDS church ready to do a leveraged takeover of the So[u]thern Baptists? Are they planning for a [hostile] takeover of the Catholic Church?

Mike Spendlove, commenting on Dave B.’s post “Pseudoscience and Mormonism” at W&T (and celebrating the return of a commenter who likes to scold younger generations for going to honky tonks):

JCS is back, and so are the honky tonks! Oh, how I’ve missed the honky tonks! Although I have never met anyone who has had an illicit one-night stand at a 7-11. Does that happen by the ATM or behind the Slurpee machines?

hawkgrrrl, commenting on Elisa’s post “General Conference High / Lows” at W&T:

Since the Terrestrial Kingdom is gardening next to Mr. Rogers, I really don’t see why servant to Mormon polygamists is supposed to be the highly sought reward such preachers intended.

Roger Hansen, commenting on Stephen R. Marsh’s post “Short statements.” at W&T:

[Strengthen the family]: Have GC monthly so families have more weekends to vacation together.

Old Man, commenting on Bishop Bill’s post “Let The Consequence Follow” at W&T, responding to another commenter who said the WoW came out of “poorly aimed tobacco spit”:

Who said it was poorly aimed? There were serious cross winds over that spittoon.

Comments on Bishop Bill’s post “You Get a Temple, You get a Temple, Everybody Gets a Temple!” at W&T:

• p:

there’s an easy fix [to empty temples]: change ceremonial attire to include (you guessed it) crocs & sweats! These will have to be white crocs & sweats, of course – but can you imagine the hordes of grateful (not to mention repentant) souls just POURING out of every 7-11, Dairy Queen and honky tonk in the land? How better to usher in those Last Days that are always arriving but never actually arrive!

• Roger Hansen:

Instead of constructing more temples, perhaps the Church should invest in the development of holodeck-style technology. This could potentially save on construction costs and solve staffing problems. The technology would be very marketable, and could add billions to the Church’s rainy-day fund.

In a holodeck, just imagine what the celestial room might look like. The BYU motion picture department could create quite elaborate representations. Think of the movie Avatar. A temple excursion could become an immersive video game style experience.

• Jack Hughes:

One possible improvement is to use robots to run temple ordinances. Robot hands can easily be programmed to execute the signs/tokens. The whole veil process can be done entirely with AI algorithms to ensure the patron says the words correctly. Most temple workers are basically robots anyway, like the officiator who starts the endowment by just standing there while staring straight ahead for several awkward minutes, then pushes a button.

hawkgrrrl, in her post “Back in the Boat” at W&T:

The only reasons I can think of to stay in a boat long-term are 1) a Covid outbreak on your cruise ship, which then descends into a Lord of the Flies scenario, or 2) Noah’s Ark, which basically starts as a Lord of the Flies (and all other animals) scenario.

Abby, in her post “It’s Okay To Not Love the Temple” at the Exponent:

The filmmaking style had reminded me of a funny ad from the 1980s for mosquito repellent set in a nudist colony, and every time the naked Adam or Eve were strategically blocked by a tree or an animal I had to suppress a giggle.

plvtime, commenting on Zla’od’s post “Is the Book of Mormon Set in a Parallel Timeline?” at W&T:

There are lots of other things that happen in the multiverse. There is the one where I was struck by lightning the day after I stopped believing in the Book of Abraham.

Elisa, in her post “Performing Gender” at W&T (this is part of a whole series of questions about what “confusing gender” means; they are sometimes funny, and always pointed):

If I am a woman and I want to deepen my voice because I’ve been told I sound unprofessional so I go to speech therapy to do so, am I “confusing” gender? If I am a trans woman and I want to make my voice higher pitched to avoid bullying, am I “confusing gender”?

10ac, commenting on Elisa’s post:

I imagine that DHO’s version of hell would be to discover that after dying, his time at the bar of judgment is having Jesus go down Elisa’s list of questions and having DHO answer them.

hawkgrrrl, commenting on Dave B.’s post “Unintended Consequences” at W&T:

I had a successful career and invested less in trying to use my talents in church leadership where my sex was a bar to entry. I guess the Church won that one anyway, though, due to the tithing dollars. Despite not valuing women’s contributions, I have never been offered a refund for my ill-gotten gains (due to women + career).

Kristine, commenting on Sam Brunson’s post “On Faking It” at BCC:

Nothing funny about asking for a blessing on the HVAC system–they are notoriously immune from the basic laws of physics and work by sorcery.

hawkgrrrl, in her post “Under the Banner of Faith Crisis” at W&T:

So I get it that Church members (including me) feel that this (gestures wildly) isn’t my experience and often not even recognizable, but there’s also this knee-jerk response ingrained in us to consider ourselves full time press secretaries for the Church (every member a missionary!) and to come out swinging in defense of both the Church, and in the case of progressive members like most of us, in defense of a principle I’ll call #notallmormons which basically = “I think any Mormon who is different, especially more orthodox, from me is pretty much a weirdo,” well, the struggle is real.

Comments on hawkgrrrl’s post “Bingeing Church” at W&T:

• Fred VII:

If you’re going with a theme that compares television watching to attending church the analogy I’d draw is reruns, reruns, reruns, reruns.

• Chadwick:

To continue the television theme, to me church attendance is like the medium place in the show “The Good Place.” Everyone you think you want, but worse.

• Bishop Bill:

Chadwick, the problem with the youth today is they expect to be entertained, what with their video games, crass music and hanging out in Honky-tonks. They need to learn to suck it up and sit still for a boring sacrament meetings like we did as young people. If it was good enough for us back in the day, writing in the old blue hymnal the words “under the covers” after hymn names and then snickering, it should be good enough for kids today!

• Jack Hughes:

As far as Church is concerned, it doesn’t grab my attention and keep it the way well-made streaming series do. “What a cliffhanger of a meeting! I can’t wait to find out what happens next Sunday!” said no Mormon ever.

• hawkgrrrl:

it was a real misfire when I tried to substitute reading The Star by Arthur Clarke instead of the Nativity story one year. I stand by that decision on principle, but my kids were horrified.

Kirkstall, commenting on Dave B.’s post “Mormon Travels: Land of Ice and Fire” at W&T:

I . . . saw a lot more nudity over the course of two years [in Brazil] than I expected to see as a missionary (including at the baptismal font. That was a whole thing).

MTodd, commenting on BHodges’s post “When there’s love at home” at BCC:

Having digested the OP and all of the comments, I started to draft a witty reply to some of the more repugnant reader responses. You have to have faith that my reply really was a well-crafted rebuttal, because as I proofread it for typos and autocorrect errors, I felt the still, small voice whisper, “Do not feed the trolls.” And so, instead you get this testimony that even queer apostates like me can be moved upon at times by the Holy Spirit.

Chadwick, commenting on Bishop Bill’s post “They Don’t Need Your Money” at W&T:

If I forgo tithing blessings but instead do more volunteer work or indexing does it matter? Or are blessings siloed and I’ll max out in one area and still be blessing deficient in another area? Is God a vending machine or not?

Thomas Parkin, commenting on Gail Homer Berry’s post “Care and Leading of Church Musicians” at BCC:

When I was a teenager, I often played prelude music, esp for Priesthood meetings. Mostly I’d improvise. Lots of major 7s and minor 9s. Beautiful but not tinkly sweet LDS feeling stuff. No one noticed. I mostly played on the piano, but would sometimes switch to the organ. One time I was improvising on the introduction to Stairway to Heaven on the organ. One of the Elders, a kid who would be a housemate of mine in another state a few years later, came up to me and whispered, “I know what you’re doing.”

Comments on Ziff’s post “Some thoughts on hymns and the hymnal update” at ZD:

• Ardis:

I’m in favor of dropping “I Believe in Christ” . . .

The lyrics go nowhere; there is no thought development; if you slammed the hymnal so hard that the words fell off the page, you couldn’t put the hymn back together because any line might as well be sung in any verse.

• Mortimer:

Here are a few of the style instructions (suggestions for playing) that we should fess-up to and write on the top of our hymns: whale song, Victrola player needing to be wound up again, subtle movie background music of a choir singing ohhhs and ahhhs without a melody, Counter-reformation seriousness wherein art is strangled by protocol, Mahler without the passion, quiet dignity defined as never smiling again, abandon all hope ye who enter here, this is the song that never ends, a lullaby with sad lyrics, contest to be the most subdued with a heartbeat, low and slow with comparable low energy, Ben Stein saying “Bueller? Bueller?” and lastly, “like the cartoon Caillou”.

• Lermentov:

What about the country western section?—if you use the western twang, “Let Us All Speak Kind Words.” Drives my wife nuts when I sing it that way in Church. ?

Also, we enjoyed “For the Strength of the Hills” and “Firm As the Mountains Around Us” during the mountain mudslides of 1983.

Janey, commenting on Dave B.’s post “Retrenchment, Masquerading as Assimilation” at W&T:

[T]he Church wants to assimilate into the Evangelical mainstream.However, it wants to be nicer and less confrontational than Evangelicals, who can be pretty in-your-face about telling you you’re going to hell. The Church phrases it more like: “We really love you and will treat you kindly even though we still absolutely believe you’re a corruption and will go to hell. Here’s a plate of cookies!”

Anna, commenting on Bishop Bill’s post “The Great Salt Lake” at W&T:

Yes, Jesus is coming soon, and instead of looking at what a huge mess we have made of His earth, and being scared sh*tless because Jesus is going to be really really pissed, we think He is going to pat us on the head and clean up after us. No, I suspect he is going to hold us collectively accountable for the mess we have made and make us spend the millennium cleaning up our own mess. “Bad children! You are SO grounded! No cars, no airplanes until this carbon is cleaned up from my air. You can jolly well walk. No TV and no air conditioning until you clean up this mess!”

Yeah, can’t you just picture Jesus in angry Mom mode.

Dave B., in his post “Gospel Topics Essays: Becoming Like God” at W&T:

Remember the LDS scripture: “The glory of God is intelligence, in other words reading books, writing blog posts, reading them, and making comments.” Something like that.

Bryn Brody, in her post “Of Porn Shoulders and Other Nasty Behavior” at the Exponent:

A friend who had conveniently stopped texting me after she hadn’t seen me at church for several weeks (out of sight, out of mind), approached me after Sacrament. “I’m in charge of the ward party next week. Will you do a booth and feed 40-50 people bite-sized food from Jerusalem?” I didn’t say what I was thinking, which was a mixture of loud laughter and taking the name of the Lord in vain.

Chet, commenting on Bishop Bill’s post “By What Authority?” at W&T:

[W]alking around BYU yesterday, I saw a parking stall marked with a sign that said “BYU Official’s Parking Only”. Which one? Kevin? Clark? Russell? Camille? Bonnie?

Call Me Mark, commenting on Dave B.’s post “The Big Win” at W&T:

I can’t believe no one mentions eliminating the word “Mormon” from our vocabulary as a big win.

Satan has been defeated for crying out loud!

Comments on Bishop Bill’s post “Godhead” at W&T:

• Anna, on the question of what it means to know God:

It is like, I know my husband. He could come home in a gorilla suit and it would only take a few minutes for me to know it was him. It is the same with God. It is more important that we know his personality than his outward appearance

• heterodoxcl:

[S]uppose that Brigham Young actually conversed with God (or Jesus), at least every now and again. At some point during those 25 years, wouldn’t God have bothered to casually mention to BY as He was leaving, “Oh, and by the way, just to let you know, I’m not Adam”.

Janey, commenting on M. David Huston’s post “Setting Apart Our Daughters to Prepare and Pass the Sacrament” at BCC:

I have a story on the side topic of the women baking the sacrament bread. In my BYU ward some decades ago, the bishop decided this was the perfect way to help the sisters make a meaningful contribution to the sacrament. As the only woman in the ward who could bake bread from scratch (thanks mom!), I taught the Enrichment meeting about baking bread. The assignments went around to the new breadmakers and … what came down the aisles for the next semester was pretty interesting. One class was not enough to teach the art and skill of bread-baking. Most weeks the bread was doughy, sometimes it was as dense as plutonium, one memorable week we got burned crust with doughy wads attached (I imagine the baker ran short of time and turned the oven way up to try and bake it faster), and then there was the week of banana bread.

The next semester, the bishop quietly dropped the idea of homemade sacrament bread.

hawkgrrrl, in her post “Mormon Folklore Roundup” at W&T:

Using a tampon will mean you lose your virginity. (Just what are they doing with this tampon?)

HokieKate, commenting on hawkgrrrl’s post:

Brigham Young refused to miraculously heal an amputee because then he’d have three legs in the resurrection.

Comments on Bishop Bill’s post “Facing Death” at W&T:

• Eli:

I was recently surprised to learn that Costco sells coffins. Maybe they’d throw in one of those assorted snack mixes for free if I got one. Heck, with an air tight container, I might have a snack all ready to go for me once I’m resurrected.

• PWS:

I want lots of music, most of it from musicals. One More Angel in Heaven from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. The Woman’s Dead from Curtains. Fairly inappropriate from a Church perspective, but that’s not my problem. I’ll be dead.

Tygan, commenting on Ziff’s post “A Heretic Reviews General Conference, October 2022” at ZD:

The Church’s logo may be more complicated than the cross, but the meaning of the symbol is what matters. The cross emphasizes Jesus’s death. The logo represents Jesus’s pecs, cleft chin, and Northern Europeaness.

Dave B., in his post “Let’s Just Abolish General Conference” at W&T:

The closing address of the President proclaiming some variation on “this has been a wonderful Conference.” Two speakers could drop dead with heart attacks and it would still be pronounced a wonderful Conference.

Comments on Dave B.’s post:

• Dave B., on what to do with the Conference Center:

I’m sure the renamed Salt Lake Business Center would be a great place for MLM gabfests. We could allow other denominations to host their own conferences there. Movie night for families?

• hawkgrrrl:

At some point, life is just too short. If we want people to come to Christ, we can’t violate the Geneva convention in the process.

MTodd, commenting on hawkgrrrl’s post “How Do You Change Behaviors?” at W&T:

At BYU in the mid-90’s the posted signs admonishing students against walking on the grass, trying desperately to keep us on the sidewalks: “Cougars don’t cut corners!” Sometimes staying on the sidewalks would have added three or four precious minutes to my walk. So I thought to myself, “Cougars blaze trails!” and took the shorter path across the grass.

John Charity Spring, commenting on Dave B.’s post “Until Divorce Do Us Part” at W&T:

[T]he younger members have embraced Netflix and Amazon Prime to watch shows that are so sexually explicit that any even a Nun passing by on the street would go into instant cardiac arrest.

it’s a series of tubes, commenting on Elisa’s post “Ecclesial Stardust, Mary Magdalene, and a Very Grumpy Jonah” at W&T:

Jonah was a prophet
didn’t like his call
didn’t want the people to repent at all
when the people hearkened
Jonah got so mad
God had to rebuke him
for being so bad

Jake C., in his post “Elon Musk Buys the Kirtland Temple” at W&T:

CITIZEN JOURNALIST
Your plans to overhaul the building are being described as excessive and even drastic. Some say when you are done, it won’t even be the Kirtland Temple anymore. Many of us fear the building may become an aggressively monetized shadow of its best self. As one Reddit user put it: “Elon is going to turn the Restoration’s first temple into the Great and Spacious Center for Virtual Reality Whoredoms.” How do you respond to such criticism?

MUSK
Actually, that name sounds great. I’ll pay for the neon-lit marquee myself. Have you been to Kirtland? The town could use some neon lights.

Laurel, commenting on Dave B.’s post “How Mormons Use Words” at W&T:

“Immorality” — sexy sexual sex, but without the full sexiness of those exact words.

Comments on Dave B.’s post “Goals and Free Agency” at W&T:

• Zla’od:

Since God put the forbidden fruit in the garden, for the sake of preserving Adam and Eve’s free will (okay, *agency*), it stands to reason that BYU ought to at least have a Starbucks.

• Simon C.:

For an organisation which says “it’s not about the numbers” we do talk about numbers an awful lot.

On my mission we got to the point where the APs trained us to set baptism goals for the month in the following way: discuss things with your companion. Go into separate rooms and pray about what the goal should be. Come back and if the numbers match, then–hey presto!–that’s your inspired goal. Repeat if necessary until the numbers match. I’m not making this up.

If we going down that road they might as well have said: think of a number. Bury that number in a box in the garden. Take a deck of playing cards (sorry, McConkie). Ask a member of the congregation to pick a card, any card. Place the card in a hat. Look at the card in the hat (sorry, Joseph). If the number on the card matches the number in the box, then–hey presto!–that’s your inspired goal. If it doesn’t then pretend it does anyway because it’s dark in the hat and no one will know. If it happens to be a king/queen/jack/ace and you happened to think of that originally for a baptism goal, then that’s just a bit weird.

• squidloverfat:

Later in the mission, I recall I made one of my monthly goals to “Shake my Booty”. I’m pretty sure I tied that somehow into a mission-appropriate interpretation, but I was also on an island a long way from the mission home then…

hawkgrrrl, in her post “AITA: Church Version” at W&T:

Here are a few more historical and church-site AITA scenarios I thought of:

I’ve been secretly marrying my wife’s friends (I have my reasons, not going to get into that here), but someone started publishing a paper criticizing me for it. Since I’m in a prominent position, this put me in danger, so I destroyed their printing press. Now they are coming after me. AITA?

John Q. Church, commenting on hawkgrrrl’s post:

I always insist that everyone use my middle initial whenever they refer to me, as a sign of my authority and their deference. AITA?

purple_flop, commenting on Janey’s post “The Charity of the Billionaire” at W&T:

Mormonism started as an implicitly anti-capitalist movement, but eventually succumbed, and then embraced it. Or in the parlance of the 2020’s mormonism let itself get ‘cucked’ by capitalism.

hawkgrrrl, commenting on Dave B.’s post “Polygamy in 2022” at W&T:

My hubbie’s family is 5th gen (I think) and they had no polygamists either, which I guess means they weren’t popular.

Kirkstall, commenting on Bishop Bill’s post “Mormon Drivers” at W&T, responding to another commenter’s question about how Jesus would drive:

Conservative Jesus drives a pickup and would be constantly hauling stuff for his neighbors. He drives 80 in a 70 to keep up with the flow of traffic because “render unto Caesar” and all that. He doesn’t give the finger but he uses the horn abundantly because “the trump shall sound.” He’s particularly talented at driving on black ice and hydroplaning.

Liberal Jesus doesn’t own a car because of the environmental impact and instead exclusively uses public transport. He’s particularly popular on the subway because he always seems to have a few extra tuna sandwiches to share. When he’s not on a train or a bus he can be found campaigning for European-style high speed rail.

Historical Jesus can’t afford a car or public transport and relies on hitchhiking along with those twelve hippies he hangs out with.

Dad Joke Jesus drives a Christler.

Tim, commenting on hawkgrrrl’s post “GAs Breaking the Sabbath” at W&T:

I can think of reasonable excuses for this behavior [a GA eating out on Sunday]–he’d recently had a kitchen fire, or the lunch he packed was made with rancid peanut butter and he didn’t have time to rush home to eat.

Comments on Dave B.’s post “Didst Thou Enjoy Thy Christmas?” at W&T:

• Elisa:

The “no opening prayer second hour” revelation had about as long a shelf-life as the POX. Glad I’m taking my vitamins to keep up with the breathtaking pace of earth-shattering revelations.

• Janey:

We, a few of thine children, approach thee in prayer to express our gratitude that thou hast givenst us prophets to lead us in these, the latter days, in these most important matters. We art grateful, O Father, for prophetic guidance about which pronouns that we shouldst use in prayer. We further prayst that thy chosen prophet will givest us guidance about thy preferences for howmst we express ourst love among ourst family members. Shouldst we say, “I lovest thee, dear parents” or is it more archaic and respectful to say, “I lovest y’all, dear parents.” As thy prophet hath instructed us regarding the name of thy Church, the banishment of the word ‘excommunication’ and now these instructions about prayerful pronouns [bonus points for the alliteration there guys, just want to make sure you saw that], we have faith that soon more word-commands shalt be forthcoming from thy prophet. Indeed, making the members of thy Church four times more self-conscious to prayst in public wilt surely be a sanctifying experience. Wilt thou extend this guidance even unto the bearing of testimony? For surely that wilt increase the fervency and sincerity of the testimony, to use archaic and unfamiliar grammar, even unto speakingst in tongues.

Comments on Janey’s post “The Modesty Issue Again” at W&T:

• Kai Christensen:

Dear LDS Church—Here, I made you some more marketing images for next years Light the World! I think they’d fit in real nice next to the painting of Mary from this year!!!!1!

• Call Me Mark:

I find the original artwork pretty scandalous. If there had been a shoulder revealed I’d probably be making an appointment to see the bishop. Personally I would have preferred Mary wearing a black turtleneck.