Nacle Notebook 2021: Funniest Comments

This post is my annual compilation of the funniest comments and bits of posts that I read on the Bloggernacle in the past year. In case you haven’t read them yet, here are links to compilations for previous years: 2020 2019 2018 2017 2016 2015 2014 2013 2012 2011 2010 2009 2008.

Most of these are excerpts from longer comments or posts. I’ve made each person’s name a link to the original source, so you can go and read them in their original context if you want. Also, the comments are in roughly chronological order.

Kirkstall, commenting on Buddhist Bishop’s post “The Holy Temple: What is Sacred is not Secret, and What is Secret is not Sacred” at W&T:

Consider the mechanical brevity of confirmations in the baptistry. The hands go on the head, the words are said, the hands come off again (Very Important). Repeat dozens of times, hundreds of times, thousands of times. Salvation by assembly line. The spirits of the long-imprisoned dead shuffle by like so many patrons of the local DMV.

Left Field, commenting on Ziff’s post “Nacle Notebook 2020: Funniest Comments” at ZD:

After eight consecutive years, I don’t make the cut!? There’s no way I lost. There’s no way. I won by hundreds of thousands of votes! I won by a lot! You had dead people voting! That’s criminal, that’s a criminal offense. And you can’t let that happen. That’s a big risk to you and Ryan, your lawyer. I had the funniest comments, by far! I just want you to find 11,780 votes for my funniest comment. There’s nothing wrong with you saying you recalculated!

p, commenting on Dave B.’s post “Update on LDS Status in Light of Ongoing Pandemic” at W&T:

Soooooo you’re actually claiming Bill Gates is NOT a hideous lizard-monster replicant beamed down by the Overlords of Alpha Centauri for the purpose of the total annihilation of humanity and the establishment of the Zwibot Realm of Eternal Darkness? WELL WE HAPPEN TO KNOW BETTER, DAVE B!

hawkgrrrl, in her post “Question Authority” at W&T:

If [obedience is] all it takes to be a god, then I assume planets come in a kit from some cosmic IKEA, and all we have to do is follow the instructions exactly. Hopefully they aren’t in Swedish.

Comments on hawkgrrrl’s post:

• Dave B.:

Would you want to live on the planet of a god who only followed orders? I’m stuck on the “buy a planet at Ikea” idea. It will come in a box, a very big box. Some assembly required. They come with nice Swedish names. You get a bag of cosmic meat balls at the check out stand.

• JLM:

“a bag of cosmic meat balls”

I’m trying to decide if this phrase best makes a great name for an alt rock band, an indie video game or a parody porn flick.

• Talon:

[Quoting another commenter first]

“Prophetic authority is to Mormons what Biblical inerrancy is to Evangelicals.”

YES!!!

And framed copies of the Proclamation are our Crucifixes.

Comments on Ziff’s post “The Wickedness of Hand-washing” at ZD:

• Em:

True. And think of the telling brand names – Ivory (cruelty to animals), Johnson and Johnson – a CLEAR celebration of male-male sexual contact. Proctor and GAMBLE which we know is wrong. I’d feel better about Mrs. Meyer if it were SISTER Meyer. Dial has the word “die” built right in. Method means being really committed to acting I.e lying and seeking to deceive.

If you have ears to hear, it is plain to see.

• MTodd:

I read on Blaze News the new Gates Foundation funded hand soap actually contains tiny GPS microchips that penetrate your skin and allows Bill Gates to track your location at all times. As for me and my house we will not soap or lave.

• Dub:

And don’t forget that “washing my hands” of something is a well known expression among English speaking peoples as a veritable synonym for avoiding responsibility for something, instead of taking responsibility. Washing our hands may be part of the plan to destroy our agency and freedoms. In today’s world we need more people who will stand up and take responsibility. We need more people who refuse to wash their hands.

• Niki-La:

Washing hands is more then just figuratively playing with fire. Soap is literally made from the waste products of fire. Think about that for a minute. The *waste* products of *fire*. Soap is just a product invented to sell a waste product that would otherwise be too caustic to dispose off. Could it be any clearer that scrubbing our hands with this vile product is harmful to out physical as well as spiritual self when we rub the waste residue of fire on our hands?

hawkgrrrl, in her post “Satanic Panic & QAnon” at W&T:

I’m not sure how back-masking was supposed to turn us into Satanists, since we listened to the music played normally, but that was implied.

BeenThere, commenting on hawkgrrrl’s post:

In the 80’s I was hearing lots of stories about abandoned houses with pentagrams and rodent bones. One where people claimed there were baby bones in a burned out structure in a field. I checked that out and was relieved to see a KFC bucket in the corner.

Joni, commenting on Bishop Bill’s post “Easter-egging” at W&T:

Most people outside the church (and, I think, an increasing number within) aren’t super concerned about belonging to The Only True Church On The Face Of The Earth, Cross My Heart And Hope To Die.

Dave B., commenting on his own post “Notes on a Foreign Mission” at W&T:

I wonder if FBI agents ever get razzed for looking like LDS missionaries?

Jack Hughes, commenting on hawkgrrrl’s post “Mormon Parenting” at W&T:

“Patterns of Family Dysfunction” could very well be an alternate title for the Book of Mormon.

hawkgrrrl, in her post “BYU’s Report on Racism” at W&T:

I was surprised by . . . the open and justified criticism of the Religion Department. I mean, if you had asked me which of all the departments would be the worst at this, for sure I would have guessed the Rel Ed Dept. But that doesn’t mean you’re allowed to criticize them even though they are literally the worst. It’s like your boss showing you her baby photos and you stating that her baby is the ugliest baby you’ve ever seen, and that’s saying something because you’ve seen a lot of ugly babies.

Comments on Bishop Bill’s post “Revelation Again” at W&T:

• Wondering:

I remember prescribed missionary “discussions” citing Amos 3:7 “Surely the Lord GOD will do nothing, but he revealeth his secret unto his servants the prophets.” I suppose the writer(s) of those “discussions” may not have realized that they were implicitly suggesting that the Lord does little or nothing.

• TC:

Last fall, we permanently moved our scheduled Sunday dinner time from 3 pm to 3:30. It went well, giving us more time to prepare our meal and ourselves. Looking back, we realized this decision was more than inspired – it was a revelation. It is now forever memorialized in our journals as the Miracle of our Sunday Dinner Schedule.

• Joni:

“POX/unPOX” is the perfect way to describe it, especially if you hear it in Dwight Schrute’s voice. “Un-shun! Re-shun!”

Ramona Morris, in her post “Church In The Age Of Covid: Defining What Makes a Good Latter-Day Saint” at the Exponent:

I am still a relatively new convert. In December, I celebrated my fourth year as a member. In this time, I’ve become really familiar with Mormon Guilt. I know some of you who are active members are probably somewhere ready with reeds ready to yell at me for using the “M” word yet I’ve realized that Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints Guilt just doesn’t have the same catchy ring to it.

Dave B., in his post “Competence” at W&T:

So the Church does do some things very well. And we have great and spacious parking lots.

Truckers Atlas, commenting on Margaret Tarkington’s post “Please Preserve Minerva Teichert’s Priceless Treasure—The Manti Temple Murals” at BCC:

The Draper-ization of every temple. I want the SL Temple cafeteria replaced with a Cafe Rio.

Kirkstall, commenting on Dave B.’s post “FAIR Turns the Page” at W&T:

I hope some day [FAIR] can take it a step further and change their name to HAIR—Honest Answers Introspective Response.

hawkgrrrl, in her post “What is Priestcraft?” at W&T:

This (“Feed the flock of God, not for filthy lucre”) seems to be an admonishment to both preachers and churches, to do good works and help others without using that work to enrich oneself or one’s church. The verse is more about motives than practical questions, though. What if you break even rather than making a profit? Is that OK? What if you accidentally make a profit, like oh, say, $100B, but it wasn’t intentional and you still live modestly? Is that OK?

Comments on hawkgrrrl’s post:

• Kirkstall:

I once attended, as part of my student job at BYU, the LDS Booksellers Convention.

To paraphrase Obi Wan Kenobi, you will never find a more wretched hive of kitsch and vanilla.

• JLM:

On the topic of Mormon knock off product, “Priestcraft” would be an excellent title for the Mormon variation of “Minecraft.” Same blocky graphics except instead if mining for materials, crafting ever stronger tools and weapons, and defeating the Ender Dragon to save the villagers, you reap the white fields, craft ever blander churches and temples, and defeat “the world” to save the elect.

• Angela C:

JLM: Totally. but don’t leave your tools laying on the ground, or they will disappear!

Dave B., commenting on Bishop Bill’s post “A Historic Post from Bishop Bill” at W&T:

Maybe the word they were after was “histrionic.” At times that fits.

Hedgehog, commenting on Dave B.’s post “Conference in Sixty Seconds” at W&T:

either President Oaks omitted to thank Reyna Arburto, or she’s an honorary man.

nobody, really, commenting on EmJen’s post “You Can’t Listen to Women If They Aren’t Invited to Speak” at BCC:

Robert, commenting on Bishop Bill’s post “The Church Does Not Like Roundabouts!” at W&T:

Red light for green tea, but green light for Red Bull.

Comments on Bishop Bill’s post “A Common Enemy” at W&T:

• Angela C:

Unlike the Church, Hollywood successfully creates, leads and exports American culture. You know they are successful anytime you travel outside the US. Nobody’s heard of the BOM, but everyone knows who the Avengers are. I guess I would say that making Hollywood an enemy . . . is a bit like owning a putt-putt golf course in Arkansas and considering Disney to be your main competitor. It’s partly adorable, partly delusional.

• Lois:

I remember many years ago when the movie “Jesus Christ Superstar” came out.
Local church leaders, and especially our seminary teachers strongly nagged us not to go to see that movie. It was evil, the work of Satan.

Fast forward 20 + yrs later we moved to the West Coast. One of my church friends, a convert, told me how she became converted and said that her search to find God began when she saw the movie “Jesus Christ Superstar., “ and culminated with her joining the church.

(Guess Satan’s plan backfired? )

Dave B., in his post “Mormonism: The Missing Manual” at W&T:

Let’s be honest: from time to time you want to dig out that old baseball bat in the back of your closet and just take a few whacks at your printer. It won’t talk to your network. It won’t print on the right size paper. Ink costs about half a car payment. So you by cheapo ink in a refilled cartridge, but your printer … won’t recognize it. I’m surprised printers don’t come with a currency input scanner. “I’m sorry, Dave, I can’t print that page … but if you put in a twenty, I’ll try again.”

Dave B., in his post “Foundational Texts of Mormonism” at W&T:

An alternative title to the essay might have been “The Gold Plates: The MacGuffin of Mormonism.”. . . Catholics have the Eucharist and the Rosary. For Scientologists, it’s Thetans. For Mormons, it’s the gold plates, or other charged religious artifacts (the Urim and Thummim, the Sword of Laban, the Liahona). Mormonism has too many religious MacGuffins. We should donate a few to Evangelicals, who don’t really have any.

Bishop Bill, in his post “Scriptures We Ignore” at W&T:

Or we could talk about Deuteronomy 23:1, that says if a man’s junk has been crushed or cut off, they can’t come to church [1]

[1] I’m not sure how they would enforce this rule. Maybe it was [easier] back then as they just lifted their toga? I know this would have made being an usher in Sacrament meeting when I was a teacher much more interesting!

hawkgrrrl, in her post “Shadow Stories in Scripture” at W&T:

Mormon, as abridger, repeatedly apologizes for the mistakes made in the book, claiming they are the mistakes of men, but he fails to point out any errors specifically, despite his role in selecting what he thinks are the best stories (don’t quit your day job, buddy). This is incredibly similar to Joseph’s own apologetic statements about his “foibles” without actually claiming anything worse than joking around with his buddies over card games (paraphrase). He neglects to include more egregious actions like Fanny Alger and lying to Emma constantly about marrying other women, including teens and those already married to his friends he’s sent abroad. That’s kind of like apologizing for not emptying the dishwasher after you’ve accidentally parked your car in the living room.

John W, commenting on hawkgrrrl’s post:

The learnedness of the community. There a number of non-Lehites or mixed-DNA Lehites who somehow are “learned” (Jacob 7:4 notes that Sherem is “learned”) and acquainted with the scriptures. Furthermore, after Sherem dies it is said that the people “searched the scriptures” in Jacob 7:23. How? There was widespread literacy? How did they teach literacy? How would have the text been distributed among them? They made copies? On more brass plates? On stone slabs? On leaves? On animal skins? Was there some sort of location where the brass plates were kept where people could take time out of their days, most of which had to have been occupied hunting, foraging, and planting, to sit down and read these plates?

Angela C, commenting on Dave B.’s post “Preliminary Thoughts on the Gospel Topics Essays” at W&T:

The easiest way to see the lie in the idea of “believing blood” is that nobody who thinks it’s a thing is applying it to other people. It’s always that they have it. To me, that puts it in the realm of my weight on my driver’s license: self-serving fiction.

Comments on Ziff’s post “General Conference, Now 20% Shorter!” at ZD:

• Old Man:

• Quentin (not Cook):

As to how to find more time for more speakers in conference, I would suggest moving all quotations of the current president of the church or other church leaders to the footnotes of the printed transcript, to be read by the curious reader. There, I just shortened a few talks. Elder Andersen, sorry your time slot is so short.

lastlemming, commenting on Holly Miller’s post “Option A or Option B: Coming Home Early from an LDS Mission” at BCC:

[On falsifying stats as a missionary]

I actually got a laugh out of one companion when I quoted the first half of Mosiah 14:1 to him:

“Yea, even doth not Isaiah say: Who hath believed our report…?”

Quentin, commenting on Ziff’s post “General Conference Was Different in the 1960s (even setting aside the talks)” at ZD:

I personally remember a general conference moment from the mid 1990s that featured a non-member: someone from the international Boy Scouts came to priesthood session to give Thomas Monson some kind of award (one of those [precious metal][land mammal] awards, I think in this case is was the “bronze wolf”).

Bishop Bill, in his post “World’s Worst Object Lesson” at W&T:

It was a Sunday, sometime in the early 1970’s, and church had just gotten out. I was probably 16 at the time in Priest quorum. Unknown to us Priests, the YW of our corresponding age (Laurels) had just finished a lesson with the cake example listed above [YW is likened to a cake, which nobody wants to eat after the teacher has touched it all over]. As us Priests were leaving the class and entering the foyer, a young woman was carrying the now destroyed cake through the foyer to the trash. Several of us approached the young woman and asked what she was doing with the cake, and she said she was throwing it out. So, being hungry boys, we proceeded to take handfuls of the destroyed cake and eat it there in the the foyer. While so engaged in eating the cake and getting frosting on our faces due to the messy condition of it, in came the rest of the young women and the YW leaders who had just finished the lesson. The YW laughed, while the leaders looked on in horror. The object lesson was completely ruined! Not only will boys want a YW if she has been defiled, they will eagerly devourer her! Being immature at the time, any sexual overtones of what was happening was lost on my 16 year old mind, but I’m sure the YW leaders realized the total disaster the lesson had become!

Comments on Bishop Bill’s post:

• HDP:

As a youth, my family experienced extreme poverty. We had the very basics, but anything outside of that was seen as the purview of the rich. One such unimaginable luxury was chewing gum. It was incomprehensible that someone would use their precious money to buy something you’d chew and then spit out. And yet, the allure was inescapable: the sweet smell emanating from their breath, the flexing jaw that screamed ‘cool!’, and the sultry way that the girls looked upon the gum-chewers. In fact, the only crime I committed as a youth was to shoplift a pack (jumbo sized, not the wimpy 5 pack) of Wrigley Doublemint Gum. Frankly, if I was going to trade in my spot in the Celestial Kingdom for chewing gum, I wanted two girls looking at me in a longing fashion.

You see where this is going.

At a YW/YM fireside, the speaker took out a stick of Big Red gum, unwrapped it, gave it to the person in the front row and asked her to examine it, and pass it on. Everyone had to take a good, long look at this stick of gum. With a curiosity that rivaled Ralphie’s for the secret decoder, my brother and I sat in the back row with all our friends, anxiously waiting for the gum to make its way to us.

The speaker droned on and on – I have no recollection of what he was saying – as the gum slowly got closer. Finally it reached the back row. Only a few people separated us from the prized wonder. Suddenly, the speaker’s ramblings came into sharp focus: “Is there anyone here who would eat this gum?” he said tauntingly. ” Go on, take it! It’s all yours!” he mocked.

Like the gates opening at the Kentucky Derby, my brother and I jumped out of our seats and dove towards the gum. Here was FREE GUM!! And we had to get to it before the rest of the crowd did. Our sudden movement quickened a primal instinct in the nearby youth, and they also sprung into action, in a way that only impulsive teenagers can do.

There were perhaps 8-10 of us who dove for the precious stick of gum. My brother, being larger and more athletic than most managed to wrangle it from the shocked holder. Then, with the rest of us piled haphazardly on top of each other and tipped over folding chairs, my brother stood triumphantly, and held the stick of gum high in the air, and with great flair slowly twisted the stick of gum into his mouth, much to the delight of the crowd.

• p:

Next Youth lesson I teach will feature nailing a piece of chewed gum to a cake, a veritable trifecta of object lessons. If that doesn’t change hearts & minds, nothing will.

• Jack Hughes:

There a lot of things wrong with that object lesson [where leaders punished kids for banding together to help another kid out]. But just as we learned by playing Oregon Trail when we were kids, you can make all the right choices in life and still have your entire family die of dysentery.

Comments on Bishop Bill’s post “Butterfly Effect” (On the possibility of going back in time to alter Church history) at W&T:

• Angela C:

Seriously though, who wouldn’t choose popcorn and vicarious immorality over scripture study?? What are we, Amish?

• mat:

I would travel back about 100 years and pay a nighttime visit to HJG dressed as Darth Vader from the planet Kolob. Armed with my Sony walkman and Van Halen mix tape, I would convince HJG that the Word of Wisdom was never meant to be a list of do’s and don’t s, or worthiness test, but rather, as a way to strongly encourage the Saints to eat a balanced, whole foods, plant-based diet. . . . The coffee and tea line would have been removed from the hym “in our lovely desert” and replaced with “we eat food in season and promote ethical agriculture practices, including supporting small and local farmers globally!” (we’d have to sing it really fast). On the negative side, a whistle blower would expose that the 100 billion rainy day fund was to help fund the hostile take over of Starbucks by Deseret Coffee, which isn’t “officially” owned by the church, but still.

hawkgrrrl, in her post “Are Journals Junk?” at W&T:

Growing up LDS in the 80s, we were strongly encouraged to keep a journal, which I did faithfully every day until I was about 28 years old. At that point, I had filled so many boxes of my mundane writing that I finally decided to cut back to only writing 2-3 times a week. Eventually that has morphed into 2-3 times a year, only when something really important happens like brain surgery or an insurrection against the government.

Rebecca J, in her post “LIVE FROM SALT LAKE, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!!!” at BCC:

I think the Saturday evening session would be a good opportunity to try out some new things. . . . Maybe they could have one session where the speakers are assigned a particular topic, but you won’t know what it is until you show up. (“Tonight, brothers and sisters, we wish to do a deep dive into the Book of Abraham.”) Or forget the themes, maybe Saturday night should be an improv night, where each speaker has to speak off the cuff about whatever topic they pull out of a hat. (Actually, it could be like Primary, maybe the topics are written on the leaves of one of the plants at the pulpit, and when it’s your turn you just close your eyes and pull one off? Maybe?) Maybe the Saturday night session could be a more casual one, where the apostles show up in loafers and cardigans and Mack Wilberg leads the congregation in some praise music. It could be a Q&A session—those are always fun. You could have an AMA with a particular apostle or the General Sunday School president or the Presiding Bishopric. (Just not any of the female officers of the church because that would just make it a de facto women’s session, wouldn’t it, and we want to move forward, not backward.)

Comments on Rebecca J’s post:

• nobody, really:

I’m imagining the complete and total train wreck that would be a church-wide testimony meeting. Completely uncorrelated. Everyone wanting to get up and speak in General Conference could toss their name into the virtual hat, and thirty people could be allocated three minutes each. We’ll get to hear about essential oils curing prostate cancer, the blessings of paying on gross instead of net, angelic visitors during chemistry exams, and the full details of driving to St George last April to visit the newest great-granddaughter who is half-Lamanite but cute anyway.

• Clark:

It was only with the un-cancelling of the Saturday evening session that I fully realized how much I wanted it to remain cancelled. My attention span for general conference is somewhere around 6 hours. I really feel like for every talk beyond the 6 hour point that goes in my head, it pushes one from Saturday morning out.

• Zach:

Suggestions – a hologram of Boyd giving us a little factory speech would be entertaining – a lottery where $1 million was given to some random TR holder

• lastlemming:

I suspect that somebody convinced the brethren that BYU will never ever make the NCAA basketball semifinals (which conflict with the Saturday evening session), so they might as well go ahead and give talks.

• stephenchardy:

I believe that we could do much better. A few sermons: yes, please. 25 sermons: please, no! Just how many times can we hear the word “lascivious” during a given weekend?

Taiwan Missionary, commenting on Dave B.’s post “Faster, Higher, Stronger” at W&T:

I was stationed in the Air Force in San Angelo, Texas in 1974 and 1976-1977. Very nice small city of 100.000, but on the back side of the moon. Yes, driving in West Texas IS brutal. The landscape looks like God barfed all over the earth, and it baked dry and hard.

Michael Austin, in his post “Look. At. The. Damn. Snake.” at BCC:

Yeah, that’s right. Some people went out of their way to avert their gaze [from the brass serpent that would save them from fiery flying serpents]. They were “anti-brassers,” or “brazen-serpent hesitant.”

Bishop Bill, in his post “Where Have The Teachers Gone?” at W&T:

Why don’t we teach the adults of the church anymore? Have we already learned everything there is to know about our salvation? I do learn things every time I attend Elder’s Quorum, like Brother Jones is even a bigger Sabbath Day Pharisee than I thought, or that Brother Hall is still a bigot. But why can’t we learn something important?

Moss, commenting on Dave B.’s post “For You: A Letter from the First Presidency” at W&T:

I have prayed and received Personal Revelation that I am allowed to prepare food in the kitchen at church, instead of just warming it.

hawkgrrrl, in her post “Airbnb or Missionary Trap?” at W&T:

We’ve stayed in dozens of Airbnbs in Cedar City over the years. . . . This was our first experience with one that was really, really Mormon, something that hadn’t been featured in the photos when we booked it.

Overall, the stay was fine. The beds were comfortable enough. The layout of the home suited our needs with enough space for all. Neverthless, it was a little disconcerting to see a photo of the current First Presidency hanging on the wall, and to see a Book of Mormon in every bathroom, as if waiting for some constipated convert.

Comments on hawkgrrrl’s post:

• Angela C:

[Responding to another commenter who asked which Book of Mormon passages would be best to read while sitting on the toilet.]

I would assume “and it came to pass” could be a sort of pep talk for those in need.

• Rockwell:

I would suggest the passage of Ether 14-15 which discusses the elimination of Shiz.

Comments on Sam Brunson’s post “I Want It Back” at BCC:

• Ardis:

I see “agent bishop” and all I can think of is Mike McPheters and his writings about serving *four* terms as bishop while working as an FBI agent.

I’m guessing that’s irrelevant here.

But fun.

• Angela C:

Sam, quick question – You mention that Tim [Teichert] doesn’t have a documented contract showing that the donation [of some of Minevera Teichert’s paintings to the Church] was conditional. Doesn’t the Church have any need to demonstrate their legal ownership of the paintings as having been officially donated in the first place? Or is this a “possession is 9/10 of the law” situation? Should I be careful about accidentally leaving my purse at the Church, lest it become Church property in perpetuity?

SVBob, commenting on Ziff’s post “Ten More Changes the Church Could Make and Un-make before Next Conference” at ZD:

Announce that the Second Coming is happening in Wendover, NV in two months. Then announce a month later that the Church has just opened the largest gaming room in Nevada in Wendover as part of its investment portfolio.

JLM, commenting on Sam Brunson’s post “On “Hot Drinks”” at BCC:

I think when the WoW talks about “hot drinks” it means “modest drinks”, because we all know “modest is hottest.”

thechair, commenting on Bishop Bill’s post “Logic Does Not Apply” at W&T:

if it really was essential for human agency to be activated by good and evil, then in the pre-existence when Satan rebelled, who tempted Him? Another Satan? If so, who let Satan Prime in for a visit, and what were they thinking?

Bishop Bill, in his post “Oliver Granger” at W&T:

I’m sure you all are familiar with Oliver Granger. He should be a household name in every believing home, and come up in sacrament meeting talks all the time! The Lord said so!

And again, I say unto you, I remember my servant Oliver Granger, behold, verily I say unto him that his name shall be had in sacred remembrance from generation to generation, forever and ever, saith the Lord.

D&C 117:12

hawkgrrrl, in her post “Hyper-Vigilance” at W&T:

Once I was so bored I read back through the “white Bible,” the book of rules for missionaries, and I made note of all the rules I was accidentally violating that apparently were preventing our success, including accepting a letter of apology from an elder who had told me I looked like a brick house, and allowing my luggage to weigh more than 20 kilos.

Rebecca J, in her post “Doctrine and Covenants is the worst” at BCC:

Do you know what my favorite scripture from the Doctrine and Covenants is? It’s Section 132:54. “But if she will not abide this commandment she shall be destroyed, saith the Lord.” It speaks to me on a deep level. Cross-stitch that crap on a throw pillow and give it to me for Christmas.

Villate, commenting on Rebecca J’s post:

Last week, I showed the kids an old Seminary video about Zion’s Camp and we talked a lot about cholera. We have also watched videos of people burning buffalo chips because the kids really enjoy hearing about poop. When all else fails, I tell them about how hard pioneer life was in the 1800s. They love being horrified at the idea of killing their own food and pooping outdoors with no toilet paper.

Kirkstall, commenting on Bishop Bill’s post “Rosetta Stone” at BCC:

I’ve rarely seen my wife laugh so hard as when she found out what was actually going on in figure 7 in facsimile 2 [in the Book of Abraham]. To think of all those bored kids in sacrament meeting trying to focus on the scriptures and actually looking at the Egyptian fertility god Min’s…you know, fertility…that is pretty hilarious.

Brother Sky, commenting on hawkgrrrl’s post “When Faith IS Work” at W&T:

I have loved music ever since I can remember. I love it, I breathe it and I have great faith in its power, despite my middle-aged cynicism, to change people and the world. I’m not in danger of losing my faith in music if I don’t express my testimony of it every month or if I don’t surround myself with pictures of Freddie Mercury and reminders that I need to attend a rock concert once a month or I’ll lose my faith in music.

MTodd, commenting on Steve Evans’s post “Steppin’ Out” at BCC:

I had [a] companion who would occasionally while walking out the door alone, shout, “I’m going on splits with the Holy Ghost!”

Dave B., commenting on his own post “October 2021 Conference in Sixty Seconds” at W&T:

[On changes to the temple]

Personally, I’m hoping for a Revelation to Restore Cafeterias.

hawkgrrrl, in her post “Status without Social Media” at W&T:

we were hiking to Donut Falls last weekend in Salt Lake City, and at the top of the falls was a young man ostentatiously praying for 15 full minutes, literally ruining the photo opp at the end of the hike for dozens of hikers. Even Enos wouldn’t have squatted in the one place people had just hiked 45 minutes to take a picture of. That’s just manners.

Ethan, commenting on hawkgrrrl’s post:

The AC in our building has had a few hiccups recently (in central Arizona….). After two weeks in a row where it shut off during sacrament meeting and wouldn’t come back on, I wore a loose shirt and tie the next week. Made sure to tell the bishop and missionaries who were at the door that I was playing strip poker against church facilities, and would be coming with less and less clothing on every week until the AC was fixed. The bishop laughed but one of the elders was horrified.

Jack Hughes, commenting on Stephen R. Marsh’s post “Were we satanists?” at W&T:

My bishop gave such a testimony [of Satan] recently. I find this rhetoric unsettling. How do you know that Satan is real? Did he appear to you in a vison? Or perhaps was it the inviting aroma coming from the Starbucks you walked past?

josh h, commenting on Brother Sky’s post “The Rhetoric of Purity” at W&T:

Just for the sake of argument let’s take RMN’s words at face value. . . . last weekend’s talks were the pure truth. Does this mean that previous GC talks were also pure truth? Or did this phenomena begin in Oct. of 2021? . . . . if this pure truth thing started in Oct., shouldn’t we be told how and why? Did RMN receive some new ability that previous LDS presidents apparently didn’t have to dictate and oversee pure truth?

John Charity Spring, commenting on Dave B.’s post “The Decline and Fall of Liberal Mormonism” at W&T:

The so-called liberals want the Church to water down the commandments to the point that all can frolic in the big tent like crazed weasels, without one moment of guilt.

hawkgrrrl, in her post “I Was So Mormon I . . .” at W&T:

[Quoting from answers people gave on Twitter]

• Intentionally got history questions wrong on school tests if they contradicted Mormon teaching.

• Confessed to a bishop about trying a coffee flavored jelly bean.

• Thought dating before age 16 was actually illegal.

• Would not allow video game avatars to drink alcohol in the games.

Comments on hawkgrrrl’s post:

• BeenThere:

My high school English teacher gave me a red line for using the phrase “knowing of a surety” (Not in Utah). I insisted it was a real thing but, alas, I could only quote the BOM for support.

• Faith Over Fear:

Refused to “drive on the Sabbath” to Disneyland (initially) (from where we live in Utah). That developed into “would drive down to Disneyland on the Sabbath, but ONLY after attending the block meetings.” That turned into leaving right after sacrament meeting only (but with a really long prayer and perhaps some spiritual discussion on the way down). Nowadays, well, we leave first thing Sunday morning early and watch Schindler’s List and drink Coke on the way down (but as a family!).

• Bro. Jones:

Bore my testimony to my first non-member girlfriend—immediately after an intense make out session. She was not fully dressed at the time that I spoke earnestly about the importance of temples.

• Kirkstall:

I once talked to my bishop because I noticed Harrison Ford looked good shirtless and it scared the sh** out of me (I’m a straight man)

• JLM:

Man, I must have been a terrible Mormon teen. . . . [I] Yelled out the skipped swear words during church dances to preserve the integrity of the song

Kirkstall, commenting on Dave B.’s post “LDS Mission Creep” at W&T:

I used to look forward to staying home for church on conference weekend to have waffles with my sermons, but covid made that the norm anyway. So if I can have waffles any time I want then what is the point of Conference exactly?

Kirkstall, commenting on Bishop Bill’s post “Wayward Children” at W&T:

All I know is the phrase “tentacles of Divine Providence reaching out [to] draw them back to the fold” doesn’t do much to entice me back to church.

Forget the good shepherd. We have the good Kraken.

Mortimer, commenting on Bishop Bill’s post “Are You OUT?” at W&T:

I am a white cisgender, card-carrying, married RM, from multi-generational, Utah Mormon* pioneer heritage with a pretty unmistakable GA last name. And even I feel like the rough stone cut out of the mountain just rolled right over me.

*(Someone please put a quarter in the “Mormon” swear jar for me. Thanks!)

Abby Hansen, in her post “Why are Women’s Accomplishments Always Erased and Replaced By Men (like Freaking Brigham Young)?” at the Exponent:

I have a picture with my youngest daughter and myself from a couple years ago with the statue of Brigham Young on BYU campus. . . . here we are in 2019, smiling and looking up Brother Young’s nostrils.

I just hope that by the time my daughter is strolling across BYU campus with her own daughter, they’ll stop to rest in the shade of a prominent female leader’s statue instead, like maybe Eliza R. Snow or Jane Manning James. Lady nostrils are much nicer to look up than Brigham’s, if you ask me.

Dave B., in his post “LDS Church Drops Big Check on First Americans Museum” at W&T:

I wonder if one of the museum officials cut a deal with LDS officials, something like this: “We’ll stop calling you Mormons if you stop calling us Lamanites.”

Angela C, commenting on Dave B.’s post:

Genealogical innovation is something we can be proud of that should continue to unite the human race and help erase issues of racism and nationalism the longer these ventures continue. (Instead maybe we can divide over cilantro tolerance and whether our earlobes are detached or not).

Michael Austin, in his post “Thanksgiving on the Tower of Rameumptom” at BCC:

Growing up, I remember being extremely grateful for two very specific things: 1) that I was blessed to live in the only truly free country in the world; and 2) that I was given the inestimable gift of belonging to the only true church on the face of the earth. One so blessed, I reasoned, had to be spiritually superior to heathens and communists. But I never put that part in my Thanksgiving prayers.

Not a Cougar, commenting on hawkgrrrl’s post “Being “Chosen” vs. Being Accountable” at W&T:

I still remember the first time I ever heard of a second anointing. . . . I recall being equal parts intrigued and skeptical . Intrigued at the idea that Jesus would show up when asked and skeptical that our church would teach that you can be guaranteed to be saved given our huge focus on works. Having listened to the Tom Phillips interview, it now sounds kind of like that pizza party and limo ride that was offered to kids who sold the most stuff during our elementary and middle school fundraisers. It sounded amazing when I was a kid, but now, not so much.

Travis, commenting on hawkgrrrl’s post “Garbage Disposals and Other Ethical Dilemmas” at W&T:

How Should I Use This Resource?

“Use this resource in any way that is helpful to you… [it] is not meant to replace or compete with other good things you are doing.”

The manuals are great for recycling and compost.

Comments on Bishop Bill’s post “The Bataan Death March and Testimony Meeting” at W&T:

• Happy Hubby:

I know of a guy that would get up with tears in his eyes and tell of his spiritual hunting trips every other month. He was serious about it. He would talk about how one time with a group he had the biggest buck in really close range and he went to pull the trigger and the gun jammed. He talked about how reliable this gun had been. Then he remembered it was Sunday and he realized that God did this because he shouldn’t have been hunting on Sunday. But then to make the story even more miraculous, as he walked away he noticed a fence he had not seen and he realized he would have illegally shot a deer that was on someone else’s property and he gave a but of legal and moral reasons this would have been really bad. So once again God had saved him from a bad thing.

• Eli:

I once had a Young Men’s president who had lived in Las Vegas for a few years while he and his wife were doing graduate school. They had two young kids around five years old or so. One testimony meeting a lady got up and did a ten minute travelogue on states and countries she had been to, and which were good and bad. Immediately afterward, their young son went up to the pulpit, and spent five minutes talking about which Vegas buffets were good, and which were bad. It so happened a member of the Seventy was visiting and on the stand that day. He then got up, and laughing, said “That’s the best testimony I’ve heard today.”

hawkgrrrl, in her post “Cults, Again” at W&T:

[Listing characteristics of cults and thinking about how well the Church fits them]

Euphoria Induction. The euphoria of group participation and fulfilling the member’s ideals motivates good behavior and reduces doubts while proving the validity of the group. Diagnosis: Euphoria? That’s not a word I would associate with my Church experience. What is this, yoga?

hawkgrrrl, in her post “A Feminist Critique of Joseph” at W&T:

It’s the intervention of an angel [1] who suggests to Joseph that he should just keep his mouth shut and marry [Mary], raising her child as his own.

[1] Same angel that came to Joseph Smith with a flaming sword? If so, this angel’s a bit of a busybody about people’s sex lives.

KLC, commenting on hawkgrrrl’s post:

[Responding to another commenter who had said that Mormons are “duelists”]

many times I’ve wanted to be a Mormon duelist, usually near the end of pointless meetings, fortunately for everyone there’s never a gun handy when I feel that way.

Comments on Stephen R. Marsh’s post “What could we do about double entendres?” at W&T:

• JLM:

Don’t get me started with all the DEs in the hymnal. Heck, “The Spirit of God” alone has several with the “fires burning”, “angels coming” and “the Lords extending”. It’s enough to make a nun blush.

• Anonymous in SoCal:

Reminds me of when I was young and my sister and I would make up words to hymns to stop our boredom. The one that always incited laughter was “As to our lips the cup, Gently we press” We would sing that in a suggestive voice while winking at each other. That got even our Dad laughing.