Conference Review, October 2019

This post has some of my favorite and least-favorite things from this last General Conference. I’m sorry it has been a few weeks so it might be largely forgotten. Anyway, please share your favorites and least favorites in the comments if you’d like.

Best story: Elder Alliaud’s story of his non-member mother quizzing him when he decided to get baptized, including asking him, “Do you have any idea how long church is?”
Worst story, hedge about the law category: Elder Christofferson’s story of the paralyzed patriarch where he carefully made it clear that it was a priesthood holder and not some unwashed heathen (or worse yet, woman), who supported the patriarch’s hands when he gave blessings.
Worst story, endlessly serving woman category: Elder Christofferson again, although this time sharing a story he heard from Elder Bednar and his wife about a very recently widowed woman who of course still served as an usher at a temple dedication, thus helpfully normalizing the idea that women should be forever serving and never thinking of themselves.

Best visual aid: The Del Parson painting of a smiling, welcoming Jesus included by President Aburto in her talk “Thru Cloud and Sunshine, Lord, Abide with Me!”
Worst visual aid: The picture of a (to me) comically distressed-looking Moses included by Elder Stevenson near the end of his talk “Deceive Me Not”
Worst visual aid, missing category: Elder Uchtdorf made mention of Hobbits throughout his talk, but didn’t show us a picture of even one Hobbit!

Best laughs: Elder Holland’s report of the little boy who laid on the floor and raised his foot during the sustainings last General Conference;  Elder Gong’s story of the longsuffering Primary teacher who didn’t interrupt the child who prayed and expressed gratitude for each letter and number.
Worst laugh: President Oaks making light of a woman’s concern over whether she would have to share a house with a sister wife in the next life.

Best musical number: “Love Divine, All Loves Excelling”. This was gorgeous and powerful! Perhaps we could add it to the new hymnbook?
Worst musical number: “More Holiness Give Me”. It was just sung way too slowly.

Best title: “The Message, the Meaning, and the Multitude” (Jeffrey R. Holland). Someone’s bucking for the Neal A. Maxwell honorary position of apostolic alliterator!
Worst title: “Come, Follow Me—the Lord’s Counterstrategy and Proactive Plan” (Mark L. Pace). It just sounds to me like he’s overselling it.
Strangest title: “Watchful unto Prayer Continually (Alma 34:39; Moroni 6:4; Luke 21:36)” (David A. Bednar). I’ve read a lot of Conference talks, and I don’t ever recall anyone putting scriptural references in their talk title before. Although, to be fair, it may be that Elder Bednar didn’t do this, but instead someone made a mistake while putting the talk up on the Church website.
Phoning-it-in title: “Closing Remarks” (Russell M. Nelson). I understand using a title like this when you’re just quickly wrapping things up, but he actually had important things to announce, namely, the new temple recommend interview questions. I think his title clearly should have made mention of this.

Best line: “Latter-day Saints come in many shapes and sizes, but “all are alike unto God”” (Michelle Craig, “Spiritual Capacity”)
Worst line, un-self-aware category: “Regretfully, some persons facing these [LGBT] issues continue to feel marginalized and rejected by some members and leaders in our families, wards, and stakes.” (Dallin H. Oaks, “Two Great Commandments”)
Worst line, gaslighting category: “The heavens are just as open to women who are endowed with God’s power flowing from their priesthood covenants as they are to men who bear the priesthood.” (Russell M. Nelson, “Spiritual Treasures”)

Thanks for bringing this up: President Aburto mentioning her father’s suicide. If this were mentioned in an Ensign story, the author would be listed as Name Withheld. Let’s destigmatize this. People are depressed and people die by suicide. These are sad facts, not shameful ones.
Please don’t bring this up ever again: Even when he’s talking about an only tangentially related issue, like what counts as Church doctrine, President Oaks can think of only one example: the Family Proclamation. If I were President Nelson, I would challenge President Oaks to go a year of Conference talks without mentioning the Family Proclamation.

Best pattern: Elder Holland opening his talk with the usual “brothers and sisters,” and closing it with the less conventional “sisters and brothers.”
Worst pattern: Endless quotes of President Nelson. Most speakers seem to think they have to quote him at least once. President Oaks goes above and beyond. For example, in his “Two Great Commandments” talk, he has 23 footnotes. Ten are citations of scriptures. Eight are citations of President Nelson.

Best name: Hans T. Boom of the Seventy. If he gives harsh talks, we could call it “lowering the Boom.”

Best comparison: Elder Uchtdorf’s comparison of our life’s journey to Bilbo Baggins’s journey in The Hobbit
Worst comparison: Elder Bednar’s comparison of Satan and his wicked ideas to cheetahs always pursuing us

Best term or phrase: Elder Renlund’s admonition that we not bury our weapons of rebellion “with the handles sticking out”
Worst terms or phrases: covenant path, youth battalion

Longest prayer (“I should have been giving a talk”): 121 seconds (Douglas D. Holmes, Sunday afternoon session, benediction)
Shortest prayer (“Let’s move this thing along!”): 48 seconds (Matthew L. Carpenter, Saturday afternoon session, invocation)

Three favorite talks that I would be happy to see lessons based on:
“Thru Cloud and Sunshine, Lord, Abide with Me!” (Reyna I. Aburto)
“Your Great Adventure” (Dieter F. Uchtdorf)
“Knowing, Loving, and Growing” (Hans T. Boom)
Three least favorite talks that I would be disappointed to see lessons based on:
“Two Great Commandments” (Dallin H. Oaks)
“Trust in the Lord” (Dallin H. Oaks)
“Standing by Our Promises and Covenants” (Ronald A. Rasband). I really don’t like the two stories he told where first his mother made him promise to always follow the Word of Wisdom, and then years later he and his wife made their daughter promise to marry in the temple. We have plenty of actual covenants in the Church without these arbitrary added promises.