General Conference already got underway last week, but I’m a bit slow, so I’m just now getting to making some predictions for the remainder of the sessions. You can help me out by telling me which in each pair of possible events is most likely to occur in the remainder of Conference.
Which in each pair is more likely?
- President Monson talks about widows.
- President Uchtdorf talks about airplanes.
- President Monson talks about widowers.
- President Uchtdorf talks about spaceplanes.
- President Monson talks about Windows.
- President Uchtdorf talks about Linux.
Which in each pair is more likely?
- President Nelson quotes the Family Proclamation.
- President Monson quotes “the poet.”
- President Nelson quotes “The Living Christ.”
- President Monson quotes “the novelist.”
- President Nelson quotes the 1875 Proclamation on the Economy.
- President Monson quotes “the hieroglyphist.”
Which in each pair is more likely?
- A speaker praises the Declaration of Independence.
- A speaker praises the US Constitution.
- A speaker praises the Magna Carta.
- A speaker praises the Code of Hammurabi.
- A speaker praises the Communist Manifesto.
- A speaker praises the Declaration of the Rights of Woman.
Which in each pair is more likely?
- Church membership tops 16 million.
- Auditing report says that “in all material respects, contributions received, expenditures made, and assets of the Church have been recorded and administered in accordance with approved Church budgets, policies, and accounting practices.”
- Church membership is the same as last year.
- Auditing report says that “in most cases, contributions received, expenditures made, and assets of the Church have been recorded and administered in accordance with approved Church budgets, policies, and accounting practices.”
- Church membership declines.
- Auditing report is on temporary hiatus.
Which in each pair is more likely?
- A speaker quotes Abraham Lincoln.
- A speaker quotes C. S. Lewis.
- A speaker quotes Martin Luther King, Jr.
- A speaker quotes Margaret Thatcher.
- A speaker quotes bell hooks.
- A speaker quotes Joseph Stalin.
Which in each pair is more likely?
- Each day of Conference features at least one prayer given by a woman.
- The choir and congregation sing “High on the Mountain Top.”
- Each day of Conference features at least two prayers given by women.
- The choir and congregation sing “I’m a Pilgrim, I’m a Stranger.”
- All prayers at Conference are given by women.
- The choir and congregation sing “Stairway to Heaven.”
Which in each pair is more likely?
- Elder Oaks talks about religious liberty.
- Elder Ballard compares the Church to a boat.
- Elder Oaks talks about gun rights.
- Elder Ballard compares the Church to a dingy.
- Elder Oaks describes health insurance as a right.
- Elder Ballard says, “Come on in! The water’s fine!”
Which in each pair is more likely?
- A speaker subtly endorses Mitt Romney for US President.
- A speaker subtly opposes Bernie Sanders for US President.
- A speaker subtly endorses Ted Cruz for US president.
- A speaker subtly opposes Donald Trump for US president.
- A speaker subtly endorses himself for US president.
- A speaker suggests that Church members “ponderize” on who they should vote for.
Which in each pair is more likely?
- President Eyring cries.
- President Uchtdorf smiles.
- President Monson sleeps.
- Elder Bednar moon walks.
- Elder Christofferson flips off the congregation.
- Elder Holland tears off his shirt and reveals a Superman costume underneath.
Which in each pair is more likely?
- Conference-goers are urged to “obey traffic laws” as they leave the Conference Center.
- Conference is broadcast on radio and TV, and is streamed live on the internet.
- Conference-goers are urged to “obey tax laws” as they leave the Conference Center.
- Conference is broadcast via carrier pigeon.
- Conference-goers are urged to “obey the laws of thermodynamics” as they leave the Conference Center.
- Conference is broadcast via telepathy, for those who have softened hearts and understanding minds.
(Credit for this idea goes to the folks at Expert Textperts, who put together the funniest Conference predictions I’ve read, back in 2012 and 2014.)
Hilarious!
Awesome list.
I can hear President Monson quoting “the poet” in my head right now. It’s bound to happen.
If Elder Ballard says, “Come on in, the water’s fine!” I vow to watch every speaker of every session of conference for the next 10 years.
President Uchtdorf will enthusiastically speak about Linux, extending the hand of welcome and fellowship to fringe users throughout Christendom. But in the next conference, his tone will have shifted to reference only “operating systems” and will subtly imply that everyone should use Windows 10.
At some point Elder Nelson will use the word “supernal” every time he does those at home take swig of Diet Coke.
Perfect Ziff, is it bad that I’d love for some shaking it up? All prayers being given by women reminds me of the RBG quote:
Ginsburg said that she is often asked how many women on the Supreme Court would be “enough.”
Her answer? “When there are nine. For most of the country’s history, there were nine and they were all men. Nobody thought that was strange,” she explained
I literally fell out of my chair laughing.
So good. Thanks, Ziff!
If Bednar just moonwalked a little in GC, all would be forgiven.
Very funny. Seriously, if there are talks about Christlike love, or unconditional love, are they subtly disagreeing with the POX?
I’m so glad I finally finished my taxes, and can get caught up on blogging. My first reaction was that this was supernal, but somebody already invoked the s-word here.
Seriously, I snorted loudly and guffawed a few times. Bravo!
Well, if you had asked me before Conference how I likely I thought it would be that a speaker would refer to a Star Wars character by name for the first time *ever*, I definitely would have put that in one of my least probable pairs. But I would have been wrong. I guess it goes to show that I’m lousy at making predictions! Thanks a lot, President Uchtdorf! 🙂
Love it, Ziff!