How to Be an Ally to the LGBTQ+ Mormon Community

If you’re at all familiar with social justice work, or if you’ve been following progressive Mormon discussions on the recent policy changes in the church, you’ve likely heard the word “ally.” In social justice work, an ally is someone who works on eliminating sexism, racism, homophobia, etc., from a place of privilege. For example, a cisgender male working to eliminate sexism can be an ally to his transgender and female friends. A straight person working on eliminating heterosexism can be an ally to their LGBTQ+ brothers and sisters.

I’m full of gratitude for the multitude of ways that the Mormons in the communities I belong to have offered support and care for their LGBTQ+ brothers and sisters this past week. And because I know people want to continue to work on being supportive to the best of their ability, I’ve been brainstorming ideas for being a good ally to the LGBTQ+ Mormon community, especially since things are pretty difficult for us right now. Some of these suggestions are Mormon-specific, and some of them are more general:

*If you know LGBTQ+ members, reach out to them and show them love. Ask them what they need. There’s a very, very high likelihood they are hurting—offer to mourn with them. Give them space to process, and listen to them without doing your own processing. If they need space, give them space—they may need space and time before they’re ready to share and/or process.

*To the extent that you are able, say things that will identify you as an ally in your ward meetings (there’s a good chance there are closeted members in your ward who will feel grateful to know there’s an ally in their ward). Advocate for acceptance and love or mention the LGBTQ+ community directly (one way of doing this is including them in any public prayers you may give). You may not be approached by the people you are expressing solidarity with (if they are closeted, they may not feel safe enough), but your words will be felt and appreciated.

*When posting things on Facebook and elsewhere online, think about how what you post might impact members of the LGBTQ+ community. While you may be avoiding invalidating comments (i.e. you might not be echoing the emotionally unsatisfying justifications offered by church leaders), there are other types of comments and posts that might be hard for LGBTQ+ members to see. For example, snarky memes might feel invalidating to people who are in intense personal pain over these issues.

*Talk to your bishop about the change in policy. Dealing with ecclesiastical authority will be too hard for many LGBTQ+ members (for fear of church discipline, shunning, judgment, invalidation). Don’t just process your own distress with your ecclesiastical leaders—make visible the pain and suffering of your LGBTQ+ brothers and sisters (without outing anyone, of course).

*If you know LGBTQ members who might be willing to share their stories anonymously, ask permission to share those stories with anyone who is willing to listen, especially people within the Mormon community. If you need stories, or if others ask you for stories, there are multiple people on blogs and on facebook gathering stories (I’ve been deeply moved by the stories Jerilyn Hassell Pool is sharing in her facebook feed). Make sure that in any discussion, public or private, of the recent policy changes that the voices and experiences of LGBTQ+ members are not elided, marginalized, or ignored.

*Be hypervigilant about maintaining confidentiality–err on the side of being overly protective of the identity and confidences of LGBTQ+ members. If you’re not sure how “out” a friend or family member is, ask them. Especially within the Mormon community, there can be serious and painful consequences if people are outed to family members, ward members, and/or ecclesiastical leaders. Never, ever out someone or discuss their sexual or gender identity without their explicit permission!!!!!

*Consider using neutral language like “partner” when talking about your and others’ spouses (I have to confess, I really want to try doing this with traditional Mormons just to see how they react). When meeting other people for the first time, ask them about their “partner” until they identify the sex/gender of their significant other.

*Engage in acts of protest. Quit your calling or refuse to volunteer for things, and explain to your leaders why you’re doing so. If that’s too extreme, subvert your calling–one example I saw on the internet was someone who posted the “Suffer the children” scripture on the ward bulletin. I will confess that I was a little anxious about putting acts of protest on my list (I tend to be a typical conflict-avoidant Mormon woman), but I had a friend (Catherine Agnes Roebuck) rightly point out that if you are not putting yourself at any kind of risk or not feeling any pain/discomfort, you are not sharing the burden and not being a true ally. The people who you want to ally with are already under huge amounts of risk and pain, and being an ally means shouldering the burden with them.

*Donate to a LGBTQ+ organization. Affirmation is an LGBTQ Mormon group, but you can also find a local organization that supports homeless LGBTQ+ youth. Here‘s a list.

*Educate yourself about LGBTQ+ issues and terminology. A great resource for gender identity issues (which often don’t get as much attention as sexual identity) is Gender Spectrum. Terminology is fluid, and issues are complex, so once you’ve done some research, don’t assume you know everything. Keep learning and researching.

*Don’t make your ally-ship the focus of your efforts. i.e. Don’t do something as an ally and then walk around congratulating yourself about how awesome of an ally you are. Being an ally is not about you; make sure the focus is on the people you’re supporting and suffering with.

*If a member of the LGBTQ+ community offers you suggestions about how to be a better ally and/or offers you correction in your attempts at being an ally, listen and take their suggestions without getting defensive. If you see other allies doing things that are problematic, be willing to call them out–don’t leave the correcting solely up to your LGBTQ+ brothers and sisters (they’re already carrying a disproportionate amount of the burden).

*One, two, or twelve months from now, if you’re done processing your feelings, don’t forget about your LGBTQ+ brothers and sisters. They were in pain before the recent policy change, and they will likely be in pain for years to come. Don’t just be an ally when LGBTQ+ issues are at the forefront of everyone’s mind or when it’s most convenient for you.

Here are a handful of additional posts that offer suggestions for and/or models how to be a good ally to LGBTQ+ Mormons (I’ve also seen some awesome suggestions in the Feminist Mormon Housewives Society facebook group):

http://bycommonconsent.com/2015/11/08/an-open-letter-to-latter-day-saints-when-a-gay-person-shows-up-at-church/

http://www.cjanekendrick.com/2015/11/asterisk.html

http://youngmormonfeminists.org/2015/11/08/im-so-tired/

Here are a couple websites that offer suggestions about how to be an ally more generally:

http://www.diversitydufferin.com/how-to-be.html

http://everydayfeminism.com/2013/11/things-allies-need-to-know/

Any other suggestions?