Discovered recently in the sealed portion of Monty Python and the Holy Grail:
Members: We have found an apostate! Excommunicate her!
Member 1: We have found an apostate, may we excommunicate her?
(cheers)
PA Department: How do you know she is an apostate?
Member 2: She looks like one!
PA Department: Bring her forward
Kate Kelly: I’m not an apostate!
PA Department: ehh… but you are dressed like one.
Kate Kelly: They dressed me up like this!
All: naah no we didn’t… no.
Kate Kelly: And this isn’t my nose, it’s a false one.
(PA Department lifts up carrot)
PA Department: Well?
Member 1: Well, we did do the nose
PA Department: The nose?
Member 1: …And the glasses, but she is an apostate!
(all: yeah, excommunicate her!)
PA Department: Did you dress her up like this?
Member 1: No! Yes. Yes, yeah, a bit. But she has got an Ordain Women necklace!
(Member 3 points at necklace)
PA Department: What makes you think she is an apostate?
Member 2: Well, she turned me into a feminist!
PA Department: A feminist?!
(Member 2 pauses and looks around)
Member 2: I got better.
(pause)
Member 3: Excommunicate her anyway!
PA Department: There are ways of telling whether she is an apostate.
Member 1: Are there? Well, then tell us!
PA Department: Tell me…what do you do with apostates?
Member 3: Excommunicate them!
PA Department: Who do you excommunicate apart from apostates?
Member 1: More apostates!
(pause)
Member 2: Intellectuals!
Member 3: LGBT advocates!
Member 4: Members with Ordain Women profiles!
PA Department: So, why do we excommunicate apostates?
(long pause)
Member 2: Cuz they disagree publicly?
PA Department: Gooood.
(crowd congratulates Member 2)
PA Department: So, how do we tell if she disagrees publicly?
Member 1: See if she speaks up about Ordain Women in Relief Society meeting?
PA Department: Ahh, but Relief Society and Sunday School are safe places for broaching the subject of women’s ordination.
Member 1: Oh yeah…
PA Department: No, she is an apostate if she attempts to change doctrine to comply with personal belief.
Member 1: Where does it say in Mormon doctrine that women cannot have the priesthood?
(pause)
PA Department: It doesn’t.
(pause)
Member 2: Let’s excommunicate her anyway!
(yeah yeah ya!)
PA Department: Apostates are those who recruit others to their point of view based on personal beliefs using printed materials that they disseminate widely.
Member 3:: Oh.
PA Department: Who else does these things?
Member 1: Politicians?
Member 3: Moonies?
Member 2: Very small rocks?
(PA Department looks annoyed)
Member 1: Scientists?
Member 3: Multi-level marketers?
Blogger: Mormon missionaries!
(all look and stare at blogger)
PA Department: Exactly! So, logically…
Member 1 (thinking): If Kate Kelly weighs the same as a Mormon missionary…she’s recruiting others to her point of view based on personal beliefs using printed materials!
PA Department: And therefore…
(pause and think)
Member 3: An apostate!
(all: an apostate!)
PA Department: We shall use the local disciplinary scales.
(PA Department and members push her into the local disciplinary scales)
PA Department: Right, remove the supports!
(wait while scales remain still)
All: An apostate! Excommunicate her!!
You left out the punchline: “It’s a fair cop.”
PA department: If you do doubt your testimony or your strength, come no further, for apostasy awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth . . .
Blogger: What an eccentric performance.
Tim: There Ordain Women is!
King Arthur: Where?
Tim: There!
King Arthur: What? Behind the people standing in line for the priesthood session?
Tim: It *is* the people standing in line for the priesthood session!
King Arthur: You silly sod!
Tim: What?
King Arthur: You got us all worked up!
Tim: Well, that’s no ordinary line.
King Arthur: Ohh.
Tim: That’s the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered set of Relief Society sisters you ever set eyes on!
Sir Robin: You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!
Tim: Look, those sisters have got a vicious streak a mile wide! They’re killers!
Sir Galahad: Get stuffed!
Tim: They’ll do you up a treat, mate.
Sir Galahad: Oh, yeah?
Sir Robin: You manky Scots git!
Tim: I’m warning you!
Sir Robin: What’d they do? Nibble your bum?
Tim: They’ve got huge, sharp… er… They can leap about. Look at the bones!
King Arthur: Go on, Bors. Chop their heads off!
Sir Bors: Right! Silly little sisters. One apostate stew comin’ right up!
Don’t worry about the pending church court for Ms. Kelly. The bozos at 47 E. South Temple never had any authority from above to begin with. Their authority comes from all the tithing money and donations they’ve taken and invested over the years. Without the money there is no authority.
Next time my son is assigned to read a scripture for senior-primary he intends to read from the Book of Armaments regarding the Holy Hand Grenade.