Fallout from Mother’s Day: The Doggerel Challenge of 2013

This comes from a Facebook conversation primarily between me and Melyngoch, with some contributions from Ziff and Kiskilili thrown in for good measure. Read at your own risk. (Since my FB page isn’t public, I only included the verses composed by members of my family, but please feel free to contribute or re-contribute any additions of your own.)

A Mother’s Day Poem

“I love you, Mother,” said little Mao
And wiped the sweat from off his brow
“I’ve written all day, now have a look
You too can have your own red book!”

“I love you, Mother,” said little Karl
And twisted his mouth into a snarl
“And I will never give up the fight
Mothers of the world, unite!”

“I love you Mother,” said little Sigmund
“Even more than a shiny diamond
My Oedipal complex I cannot escape
Which is why Father has met his fate.”

“I love you, Mother,” said little Joe,
“And women in general, as you well know.
That’s why in memoriam of my love for you,
I’ve acquired wives twenty-one and twenty-two.”

“I love you, Mother,” said little Chuck
“I have to say, it was just my luck
That you evolved from a single cell
To cast my heretical soul to hell.”

“I love you, Mother,” said little Liz
“And am ever so sorry about that buis-
-ness when Father decapitated you.
My new mother Jane will have to do.”

“I love you, Mother,” said little Fan,
“And I’ll get married as fast as I can,
When a charming prophet looks my way
I’ll be the first to quickly obey.”

“I love you, Mother,” said little Dude,
“Even if I’m sometimes rude.
Maybe it’s cause my name is Dude.
Bad job on that, dude.”

“I love you, Mother,” said little Gus,
With a cheerful heart, and little fuss,
“I stole some pears, but don’t you fret
I’ll beg forgiveness—just not quite yet!”

“I love you Mommy,” said little Tommy,
while setting off a loud alarmy,
announcing conversion to Islamy,
and bidding his followers a fond salaamy.

“I love you, Mother,” said little Plato
“Almost as much as I love my play-doh
We see but shadows in a cave
The pink and purple are my fave.”

“I love you, Mother,” said little Grendel,
“And for you I would pound all
The local Danes into Danish jelly
To go into your mothering belly.”

“I love you, Mother,” said little Tom,
“Even more than I love the Psalms,
So in your honor, a Summa I will write
And all who read shall have terrible fright.”

“I love you, Mother,” said little Bathsheba
“But I can no longer be an amoeba
I’m going to bathe upon the roof
And that will be my final goof.”

“I love you, Mother,” said little Jacques,
“Though that sentence is really whack,
Since ‘I’ might mean nothing, except ‘not you,’
and what is ‘love’ anyway? Pooh pooh.”

“I love you, Mother,” said little Walt,
“Mothers are too special to talk about.
That’s why in my movies, just like in our prayers,
[Heavenly] mothers are never there.”

“I love you, Mother,” said little Pearl,
“Even though I am just a girl.
Ere you left your room today
Did you think of your scarlet A?”

“I love you, Mother,” said little Martin
“Even in my life so spartan.
For 95 reasons I can say,
Hippety, hoppity, Mother’s Day!”

“I love you, Mother,” said little Johnny
“The cows I have are very bonnie.
With luck I can buy a future bride
And we’ll have hamburgers every night.”

“I love you, Mother,” said little Joseph
“But don’t think I will soon go deaf.
I hear all the plotting that you do.
Off to the Siberian Gulag for you!”

“I love you, Mother,” said little Rene,
“Though I doubt that you exist today.
Don’t worry; I’m doubting everyone else too.
I’m the only one I’m sure is true.”

“I love you, Mother,” again they said,
Many little children going to bed.
How do you think that mother guessed
Which one of them really loved her best?