My Nacle Notebook 2008: Funny comments

During the Niblets, a random John said that he enjoys looking back at the stuff that gets nominated more than he enjoys the voting. I tend to agree with him. There are all kinds of interesting, funny, amazing, and touching things written in the Bloggernacle. But I have a short memory, and I typically don’t think about even the best of what I read for more than a day or two.

In an effort to improve my Bloggernacle experience, I’ve started bookmarking posts and comments that strike me. This way, when current discussions get too acrimonious or repetitive, I know I can always go back and find my own favorite pieces of writing.

So, on the assumption that a random John and I are not alone in enjoying looking back at favorite stuff, let me share some bits of my Nacle Notebook with you. I’ll start with the comments that made me laugh.

But first (you know me), a few explanatory notes.

• These comments come from 2008. Yes, I know it’s a bit late for writing retrospectives on 2008, but then we at ZD aren’t really known for writing posts in a timely manner. I’m certainly no exception to that.
• I’ve shortened many of the comments (and added ellipses where I’ve done this) to reduce the length of this post. I apologize to the writers of these comments if this means I’ve misrepresented them. (I’ve included links to the original comments so you can read them in full.)
• Of course my Nacle Notebook is limited by the blogs I read. I’m sure there were lots of interesting and funny things said on many blogs I don’t follow, but I can only read so much. The Niblets are better in that they can draw from many people’s memories.
• It may not look like it, but I limited myself in how many comments I would include. I’m sorry if the ones I left out were your favorites. Please mention your favorites in the comments to this post. I always enjoy more funny comments.

Okay, so here are some comments that made me laugh in 2008, in roughly chronological order:

A comment on TT’s post Do we really believe the Book of Mormon? at FPR:

• Dave:
  

  The facts may not speak for themselves, but (modernly) most agree they should be given first place in the narrative and biases of the writer disclosed in the introduction. So a modern Deuternomist might write: “As a fervent Israelite, I affirm an ongoing covenant between a jealous and interventionist God and the Jews, a chosen people, which probably colors my narrative at certain points.”

A comment on Lisa Ray Turner’s post New Rules for Church Music at Mormon Matters:

• Benjamin Orchard:
  

  I am . . . certain that EVERY chorister needs an electronic metronome bolted to their stand that shocks them when they conduct too slowly. It should be aware of the slowest recommended tempo for a song, and if they reach as slow as 10% faster than that, they get a jolt. Organists/pianists as well.

A comment on Andrew Ainsworth’s post What Would Jesus Blog? at Mormon Matters:

• NM Tony:
  

  Personally, I think that Jesus would be a blogging maniac. This is a great way to get your ideas out if your a good networker. But like Mormon Heretic stated, most of us use pseudonyms, so who know if Jesus would ever use is real name. He may use Gee Yo Va or El Ohim because those look cooler than just J.C. We would probably all be arguing about his ideas also. I mean, hey, we are already, right?

A comment on KC Kern’s post BYU and the Honor Code at Mormon Matters:

• A. Lawrence:
  

  For three months and despite being a current BYU student, I had sideburns that went to all the way to my jaw. I was informed by a member of my ward that “People with sideburns are statistically much more likely to smoke pot.” A co-worker at my job told me that my “having sideburns is just as bad as it would be [for me] to grow and smoke marijuana in my dorm room, because either way it’s non-compliant to a contract which [I] signed.”

  . . . if I had known that hair naturally growing on my face was directly related to drug addiction, I would have chopped my whole face off already [Brackets in original]

Comments on John Nilsson’s post My Top Ten Cultural Sins, or Why I Don’t Mark My Scriptures at Mormon Matters:

• JH:
  

  I sport the sinner’s trifecta to church: non white shirt, long hair, facial hair.

• Rigel Hawthorne:
  

  I know that the words of the hymn “I Believe in Christ” have a good message, but singing the hymn drives me crazy. So crazy, in fact, that I think of the following words when it is being sung:

  I’m a darned long song;
  I’m way too long.
  It’s like you’re singing two whole songs.
  You sing me once then repeat again
  I cycle back and never end!

  I’m a darned long song;
  I’ll make you yawn.
  You’ll wish the electric chair’s turned on!
  I’m like a torture chamber’s rack
  I’ll make the terror suspect crack.

Comments on Ronan’s post In the colonies, the stormtroopers are starting to lay down the law at BCC:

• MikeInWeHo (on whether white shirts are crucial for performing ordinances):
  

  There should be a 24-hour Correlation Hotline where LDS from around the globe could call to get a definitive answer to these kinds of questions.

• Kevinf (responding to MikeInWeHo):
  

  maybe we could just outsource it to a call center in Mumbai, and give them a copy of the GHI? Maybe having a bunch of non-interested 3rd party folks answering the phone and actually looking in the book could be useful.

Comments on AdamF’s post “Please bless the food that it may change on a molecular level to provide us with additional strength that we would not get otherwise…” at Mormon Matters:

• FooboyX:
  

  It does change the food, just like our blood is LITERALLY changed by baptism to the blood of Abraham. Adoption in to the house of Israel IS LITERAL. Just asked Sister X in my home ward.

  Please note that the Catholic idea of transubstantiation, however, is complete bunk.

• DKL:
  

  I don’t pay much attention to blessings on the food at mealtime. I do, however, ask Jesus to turn the sacrament bread into His flesh in my tummy. When I do that, the sacrament feels more filling.

Comments on Julie M. Smith’s post The Quote that Wouldn’t Die (about the GA-attributed quote about today’s youth being generals in the war in heaven) at T&S:

• gst:
  

  I was a corporal in heaven. I had been a sergeant, but I was busted a stripe for striking Lieutenant Uchtdorf.

• gst:
  

  a corporal in the pre-Earth life is an interesting thing: a non-corporeal corporal.

• Mark IV:
  

  Do non-corpereal corporals have privates?

Comments on a random John’s post Revisionist LDS Visual Aids? at Mormon Mentality:

• Ben There (on inaccurate Church art):
  

  Gasp! The church is not paying attention to the details of its own ordinances?

  I hear next week they’re going to unveil a new painting of Joseph and Oliver baptizing each other with a fire hose. Details don’t matter, after all!

A comment on ECS’s post Awkward Mormon Moment #978 or Adventures in Polygamy at FMH:

• Seth R.:
  

  No one does stealth doctrinal change as well as the LDS Church. 20 years from now we’ll probably be praying to Heavenly Mother, women will have the Priesthood, polygamy will be back on the menu and no one will have even noticed the Church ever made any policy changes.

A comment on a General Conference open thread at BCC:

• Aaron Brown (on the difference between free agency and moral agency):
  

  Moral agency costs like $3,700. Free agency doesn’t. But you get what you pay for.

A comment on ESO’s post of Public Service: Name that Baby at Mormon Mentality:

• jimbob:
  

  I’m confused about waiting to name your kid until you see him/her. Are the nine months you had to figure it out not enough? Is it just because you work better under pressure?

A comment on Mark Brown’s post Youth Programs – You Make the Call at BCC:

• gst (on scout fundraising):
  

  I think that the Young Women should be able to raise money too. I propose the following activity: At about mid-day on each patriotic holiday, visit the homes that were visited by the scouts that morning, knock on the door and say something like, “That’s a real nice flag you got there on your lawn. It would be a shame if something were to, you know, happen to it. You should consider hiring some of us girls in the ward to watch it for you. Otherwise, you never know what kind of desecration might occur. And you wouldn’t want that, would you?”

A comment on DCcLemon’s post Co-ed living at Mormon Mentality:

• CJB:
  

  I actually lived in an off-campus BYU-approved housing unit that almost got their approval status revoked because they decided that the male and female buildings were too close to each other. They literally had to build a wall between the buildings so you would have to walk an extra 50 steps to get to the female apartments. Obviously, by the time you got there, you would be far to tired to fornicate.

A comment on Jamie Trwth’s post “The White Shirt” at Mormon Matters:

• Ray:
  

  Does anyone *really* want to suggest that God watches us and gets upset when I pass the sacrament without tucking my left hand behind my back? Do we really think he cares exactly how the deacons line up at the sacrament table? Would he be happier if they lined up in order of height or by age or coordinated by hair color?

Comments on Devyn S.’s post Polygamous Dichotomy or Dichotomous Polygamy? at Mormon Mentality:

• DKL (addressing a trollish commenter):
  

  You’re the kind of person that Jesus would have punched in the face. Even if Pilate and all the other Roman authorities were right there trying to hold him back, he’d break free of the centurions holding his arms, run straight out you, and then BOOM: straight in the kisser. A knuckle sandwich straight from the Savior of All Mankind and the Prince of Peace. Then Ciaphas and all the Jews observing would raise a cheer unto heaven as your limp body fell to ground, sorely injured by The Punch of God.

• DKL (after being accused of having violent tendencies—note Guy Noir is the trollish commenter):
  

  Actually, I don’t like knuckle sandwiches, and I would never want Jesus to punch anyone in the face. It’s just what He would do, and I’m as upset about it as the next guy. I’m also upset that Jehovah wanted Saul to kill all of the Ammonites. And you can imagine how angry I was to read that God sent she-bears to kill the boys who poked fun at Elijah — that’s just murder, plain and simple. But God’s ways aren’t man’s ways, I’ve just got to live with a God who comes up way short of my expectations for moral perfection.

  In fact, if I were there when Jesus broke free of the centurions holding his arms and rushed at Guy Noir in order to deck him, I’d interpose myself between Guy and Christ in order to defend him. Maybe this would mean that I’d get the knuckle sandwich instead of Guy, but I’d do that for him.

  Greater love hath no man than this, that a man takes in on the jaw from Jesus for his friends.

A comment on TT’s post What if . . .? at Faith-Promoting Rumor:

• Lon Franson:
  

  I am aware of a pair of missionaries (in my mission) who were severely disciplined in the mission field for laying their hands on their mailbox and commanding it to receive more mail on their behalf.

A comment on Andrew Ainsworth’s post Mormon Coffee at Mormon Matters:

• Andy Munzer:
  

  I drink Red Bull. It helps me to do important work to get my education, like the Prophet asked us to do.

A comment on Hawkgrrrl’s post The Mormon Urge to Glurge at Mormon Matters:

• mormonmagmeister:
  

  an American missionary in Germany . . . wanted to tell one of his favorite stories in sacrament meeting . . . He didn’t speak the language very well yet, but for some reason he decided to try to translate the story on his own. It was the one about the eagle that thought it was a chicken, so the farmer takes it to a cliff and tells it that it’s an eagle and that it can fly, and then he throws it off the cliff, and it flies. Anyway, it’s about realizing who we really are. Well, this missionary translated the story of the eagle and the chickens into the story of the hedgehog (Igel—a false cognate, I guess) and the rotisserie chickens (just picked the wrong word from the dictionary). The congregation listened quietly to the farmer’s words: “Fly, you hegdehog! You have such lovely feathers and long wings. You are not a rotisserie chicken like the others. You are a hedgehog. You can fly.” I can only imagine the missionary’s companion (who did nothing to rescue him) sitting there dying of repressed laughter through the whole thing. Well, the missionary finished his talk, and everyone said “Amen,” though with a bit of a question mark attached to it. I think they all chalked it up the cultural differences—Those Americans and their kitschy stories. I just don’t get them.

A comment on Kevin Barney’s post Mission Reading Rules at BCC:

• Jami:
  

  There were a bunch of “Let’s Make a Deal” type books in circulation just prior to my arrival in the mission and my first mission president had outlawed them all. He had missionaries creating all sorts of bizarre covenants: “I’ll never say the word ‘fetch’ again or eat sugar and you, god, will give me six baptisms this month. Understood?” For some reason, the MP thought that was an inappropriate practice.

A comment on Jessawhy’s post The Role of the Faithful Feminist at the Exponent:

• Kirsten (on being a feminist YW president):
  

  Knowing that there are many Uber-Mormons among our congregation, I didn’t stand on the table and rend my bra in twain.

Comments on Kevin Barney’s post Not Letting Women Open Sacrament Meeting Redux:

• Mark B.:
  

  It’s all those damned generals from the war in heaven giving unwritten orders again!

• Justin (after making an earlier comment about writing to President Packer to tell him his “Unwritten Order of Things” talk was being used to keep women from praying to open sacrament meeting):
  

  I suspect that President Packer will respond to my letter in two ways. First, he’ll send a letter to all church leaders directing that MP holders should offer the opening prayer in sacrament meeting. Second, he’ll then send a letter to my stake president directing him to excommunicate me. Should be good times this summer.

A comment on Kathryn Soper’s post In the interest of full disclosure at Segullah:

• not mother theresa:
  

  My mommy blunders are legion, but I think I my worst moment was the time I threw my matted and framed copy of the Proclamation of the Family down the stairs and told my unruly children (whose father had been out of town for several days), “You make a mockery of this!”

• tonya:
  

  One day I walked into the basement where my oldest was doing crafts. She had a glue gun on a wimpy board, on the carpet, that melted through and left a small hole in the carpet. I was furious. I brought the whole gang together, pointed to it and explained nicely (yea, sure) how NOT to use a glue gun.

  Well, last week I was busy ironing, sitting on the floor, watching TV and I was doing fine for a while, ironing, putting the iron up, ironing, putting the iron up, ironing…and placed it down – straight down on the carpet! PANIC – with the whole family in the room watching my reaction I started to cry and then burst out laughing. What else could I do?!? My sweet hubbie says “did you just do what I think you did?” I was laughing so hard I couldn’t think and all my oldest could say was “well, it serves you right!”

  So now right in the exact middle of our family room is a lovely imprint of an iron – steam holes and all – as my reminder to be nice. When my daughter forgot to cut on the cutting board all she said was “iron.” When another spilled in the kitchen all she said was “iron.” Great. Now they have ammo forever…

  And hubbie thinks its great and sees absolutely no reason to replace the carpet. EVER.

A comment on Mark Brown’s post Score Your Sweetie at BCC:

• queuno:
  

  I don’t know about the HP groups, but EQ is one long tedious exercise in one-upmanship. For an EQ activity, they asked for volunteers to bring their grills, and it turned into a hideous display of “well, *my* grill can feed the Saharan subcontinent **AND** my truck can transport all of yours!”

Comments on Kaimi’s post Sunlight (on how troubling topics in Church history should be handled) at BCC:

• mmiles:
  

  I’m not sure what you mean by full disclosure. (I am imagining handing each member a handful of pamphlets in uber-tiny writing after baptism and confirmation, kind a like you get in the mail from the credit card company whenever they change their rules.).

A comment on Janet’s post Series: Pictures of Pornography and the LDS People at FMH:

• Jim-Bob (responding to the suggestion that one reason to object to porn was to consider whose pockets you were lining):
  

  I only look at porn on pay-per-view, and then only when I’m staying at a Marriott hotel. That way at least some of what I spent on the porn will make it back to the church by way of tithing on J.W. Marriott’s income and the income of all the other LDS who work at or own stock in the company.

A comment on Julie M. Smith’s post A Thomas Jefferson Education? at T&S:

• gst:
  

  I prefer to give my kids the Groucho Marx Education (GME): They leave home at the age of 15 to join a traveling vaudeville troupe that shortly goes bust, leaving them stranded with no money in a remote mining town in the Colorado Rockies.

A comment on Mark Brown’s post The Easy Way Out at BCC:

• Kaimi (on the question of what active members of the Church categorically reject its counsel):
  

  I think I’m the one to blame. I haven’t told you guys this, but actually, I’m the one [another commenter is] referring to when he talks about people who reject church counsel categorically. That’s been my approach for several months now. I started out just rejecting church counsel sporadically for a while, but then I thought, hell with it, why not go all the way. Categorical rejection it is.

  Categorical rejection is a lot harder than it sounds, you know. For instance, I can’t really tell people that I reject church counsel categorically, because I’m not allowed to be honest (the church says to be honest, which I must reject), so I actually have to tell people that I _don’t_ reject church counsel, categorically. But that creates its own problems — if I don’t tell people, then I can’t convince them to join me in rejecting church counsel categorically. It’s a real logical puzzle, that one.

  Or, take the statements Mark points out. Since I’m a categorical rejector, I’m supposed to campaign for gay marriage, but _also_ supposed to hate gays and be unwelcoming towards them. Not easy. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

  As a true categorical rejector, I’m supposed to rob, deceive, curse, hate, and kill everybody I know — all the while, _also_ leading them astray. This creates some interesting dilemmas, like: If I’m stealing from someone, how am I supposed to convince them to worship idols with me? True categorical rejection can be a really tough balancing act to pull it all off, let me tell you.

  But at the end of the day, it’s worth it. I can point to myself as someone who actually does reject church counsel categorically, and I can be proud of a job well done. (See? Pride. Categorical rejection of anti-pride talks.)

  Now, I’m sorry to say, I have to kill you. But first, would you like to go worship idols with me?

A comment on Steve Evans’s post Biking to Work: BCC Crushes All at BCC:

• amri:
  

  In Provo I biked everywhere. I was biking to work (the MTC, I know I am so nerdy) and I got hit by a pick up truck on State St who wasn’t paying attention. So of course the cops come and an ambulance etc. There was an old cop and a young cop, the latter being very good-looking. The old one was looking after me the injured one and the young one was comforting the girl who hit me, a recently returned sister missionary. She was sobbing uncontrollably. A few days later, I called to get a few more insurance details (I had broken ribs and a wrecked bike) and she said the cute cop had come by her work later and asked her out and they had already gone on their first date and she thinks they’re gonna get married and if they do it will be because I brought them together and I should definitely throw her bridal shower.

  I was like, yeah, uh-huh, sure. No.

  On the upside, people thought one of the three Nephites pulled me out of oncoming traffic on State St. He had a mohawk and all sorts of piercings and he disappeared as soon as the police arrived.

A comment on David Knowlton’s post What is Doctrine? at BCC:

• Mark B.:
  

  So what if sex is only for procreation? Don’t you think it’s appropriate to practice?

  What musician would show up on stage without ever practicing? What ballplayer, or golfer?

  Same with sex. I think it’s important to keep your skills sharp with regular practice, so that when it comes time to procreate you’ll be ready.

Comments on ECS’s post Gay = Happy at FMH:

• MikeInWeHo (quoting and ribbing Nick Literski):
  

  “I have been partnered with two men for about a year and a half.”

  Now THAT’s a gay Mormon! Nick Literski: Living The Principle since 2006.

• cj douglass (continuing from Mike’s comment):
  

  Mike, Ray – I would appreciate you referring to Nick as a fundamentalist gay Mormon. I don’t want people mixing him up with the mainstream gay Mormons. You know, with the funny hair and all.

• Nick Literski (responding to cj douglass):
  

  Wait just a cotton-picking minute, cj! If I’m a gay fundamentalist Mormon, I don’t exist on two counts! Hinckley said there’s no such thing as a “Fundamentalist Mormon, and he referred to “so-called gays! 😉

A comment on Cynthia L.’s post Stuff I Learned from My First Trip to the Temple at BCC:

• Latter-day Guy (on the temple):
  

  I was initially surprised that it wasn’t more weird, personally . . . Then I read through a copy of one of the older scripts––wow; now I’m hoping that we’ll take a page out of the Catholics’ book and start offering “legacy night” at the temple: once a month using the ordinances from the 1920s. Awesome.

A comment on Hawkgrrrl’s post A Few Choice Words on Swearing at Mormon Matters:

• madhousewife:
  

  I try not to swear. Just not very hard.

A comment on J. Nelson-Seawright’s post Coming Clean at BCC:

• Mathew:
  

  Dear Ward Members,

  Remember that time I said I never expected to be called to be bishop. It wasn’t true. As a little kid I thought I was a shoe-in for apostle too. In fact I used to lay in my bed at night afraid the sliver of light on the wall was the beginnings of an angel coming to appear to me.

A comment on Stephen Wellington’s post What kind of Mormon are you-Internet or chapel? at Mormon Matters:

• Shawn Larsen:
  

  I very often wish some of my internet brethren and sisters were either teaching the classes I attend, or sitting next to me to hear my witty, oh-so-enlightened commentary (my wife, too, would aprpeciate someone else taking over this job).

Comments on Quimby’s post Just because so many think we hate all men . . . at FMH:

• Derek (to another commenter who lamented that she shouldn’t have clicked on a link to a picture of a big spider):
  

  Its your own fault . . . . You knew what that spider was before you clicked it up. 😉

• Allie:
  

  I used to work in a public library shelving children’s books. I was always so angry at the kids who would check out the books with the huge pictures of spiders on them because it scared the hell out of me when I tried to put them back on the shelves. Try arranging books on a shelf without touching any of them because, any moment, the spiders may come to life and getcha!

A comment on jupiterschild’s post Process-ease and other Linguistic Pet Peeves at Faith-Promoting Rumor:

• edje (responding to jupiterschild’s irritation at “processes” being pronounced “processeez”):
  

  Sorry, you can’t have my eezes. I acquired them in my tender youth sans conscious pretense. You can go sing that Christmas song about hippopotamusses all you want; you’ll get my processeezes when you pry them from my cold, dead mouth.

A comment on ECS’s post Sweatin’ to the Ogles at FMH:

• ECS:
  

  OOGling is the onomatopoeia of ogle.
  The two “o”s represent the ogling eyes. You may ogle with one eye, but two eyes are better.
  🙂

A comment on CJ Douglass’s post Mission Cred Syndrome at Nine Moons:

• Tom:
  

  Don’t even get me started on bicycles and cars. You must be some kind of soft if you need wheel-based locomotion to be an effective missionary. Did Ammon have wheels? Was he riding a unicycle when he chopped off those arms and converted the king? I don’t think so. And you know why he didn’t need wheels? Because he was valiant in the pre-existence.

A comment on Mark Brown’s post Education and Class at BCC:

• Kristine:
  

  Clearly, everyone should be getting Ph.D.’s in the humanities–that way we can obey the injunction to “get all the education [we] can” without having to deal with the filthy lucre that comes from other professions.

A comment on Adam Greenwood’s post Gay Marriage in Space at T&S:

• danithew:
  

  Adam Greenwood should publish and sell a calendar with pictures of returned missionaries wearing vests.

Comments on fMhLisa’s post Misaligned Sunday School at FMH:

• SAM (responding to another commenter who reported people hoping for more meat in Gospel Doctrine):
  

  What could possibly be more “meaty” than the story of Ammon cutting off arms???

• StillConfused
  

  Might I suggest an alternate use of your 2nd hour. Try take a bunch of fiber before church (or the night before if that timing is better) and spend the time colon cleansing. You may feel refreshed rather than irritated. And I hear it is really good for you too.

A comment on AdamF’s post Celestial Marriage Amendment at Mormon Matters:

• Hawkgrrrl (considering the possibility of her husband marrying again if she dies first):
  

  I suppose we’d have to settle it through some sort of celestial catfight smackdown. Or I could just look up old boyfriends. Or perhaps I could just haunt him so he never remarries. I have lots of options.

A comment on Steve Evans’s Police Beat Roundtable #1 at BCC:

• Mark B.:
  

  I don’t think, kevinf, that you should ever say “Hmmmmmmmmmmmm” in a story involving vibrators.

A comment on ECS’s post Out, Out, Damned Spot! or BlindSpot Revisited at FMH:

• Stephanie:
  

  I do want to hold a conversation more intelligent than “You’re Satan!”, “NO! YOU’RE Satan.” 🙂

A comment on Valoel’s post Confessions of a Coffee Heathen at Mormon Matters:

• Seldom:
  

  Instead of the current prohibition against coffee, tea, alcohol, and tobacco, I propose a performance based word of wisdom faithfulness test. It could be modeled (through insiration) after the miltary physical test. The physical test would require something like a 2 mile run without feeling weary, and a 5 mile walk without fainting. Pushup could be used to determine “the weak and weakest of all saints who are or can be called saints.” Any deaths during the testing could be used as conclusive proof that “the destroying angel did not pass them.”

A comment on Jeff Spector’s post Excommunication: Shame or Fame? at Mormon Matters:

• Imperfection:
  

  when you are baptised your spirituality knob goes to 11.

A comment on Lisa Ray Turner’s post Is One Date Enough? at Mormon Matters:

• Left Field:
  

  My mission president didn’t give me a deadline [for getting married] when I was released, but he did instruct me to keep my hands off the breasts when I was on a date. That might have been good advice for some, but for an introvert who resisted dating, it was kind of pointless. He might just as well have counseled me not to punch Queen Elizabeth in the mouth whenever I visited her.

A comment on Steve Evans’s post Evil-speaking History at BCC:

• Steve Evans (on Elder Oaks’s use of “depreciate” in describing criticizing Church leaders):
  

  if you choose to depreciate your leaders you can amortize your faith over the lifespan of the leader in question — which, in our religion, is a very long time.

A comment on Kaimi Wenger’s post Teas at T&S:

• MikeInWeHo:
  

  This aspect of the WoW is a tough one, because tea is clearly a gift from above. Maybe it’s some kind of eternal consolation prize. (Sorry ’bout the TK smoothie. Would you like a nice cup of Earl Grey?)

A comment on Mogget’s post Get Thee to a Grad School at FPR:

• TT (responding to another commenter who said we should just follow Jesus’s example):
  

  If more people just followed Jesus’s example by wandering around from town to town and then getting killed, the world would be a better place.

A comment on Margaret Young’s post Does one smudge ruin it? at BCC:

• Margaret Young:
  

  I should at least say that I have my own moral lines in literature, film, art. . . . I demand something of whatever I read or watch. It has to pay me back well for my time. I will even admit that when Bruce and the kids and I traipsed across Europe, seeing every museum Bruce could find, I finally said, “I don’t think I can handle seeing one more penis.” Hope he didn’t take that personally.

A comment on Devyn S.’s post Almost, I am convinced to be a Utahn at Mormon Mentality:

• Dan Ellsworth:
  

  Utah is also navigable, which I cannot say for much of the East coast, especially New England. However, when you inevitably get lost in New England, you get lost amid much better architecture.

A comment on Amri’s post How to Not Drink in a Bar at BCC:

• MikeInWeHo:
  

  If you put a frog in a Red Bull mojito it will jump right out. But if you put a frog in a glass of muddled mint and lime, then gradually add the Red Bull and rum…it will stay until it gets drunk.

A comment on Hawkgrrrl’s post In Defense of Apologists at Mormon Matters:

• Matt Thurston:
  

  My problem is that Church feels like an anemic two-instrument symphony… I can only hear the Correlated Piccolo and the Apologetic Violin.

A comment on Aileen’s post Investigator? Really? Is that the best you can do? at BCC:

• Tatiana:
  

  Couldn’t we find another word with the denotation of “investigator” but with more neutral connotations? How about LDS-curious?

A comment on Tagore’s post The Sexual Compatibility Argument at Mormon Mentality:

• Left Field:
  

  I’m with those who aren’t really sure exactly what the term [sexual incompatibility] is supposed to mean. But then I’m an evolutionary biologist. If we belong to the same species, then by definition, we’re sexually compatible. “Sexually incompatible” would mean that we have non-overlapping breeding seasons, the parts don’t fit, the egg and sperm won’t fuse, etc. When people talk about finding out if they’re sexually compatible, I imagine them being somehow confused about whether or not their potential partner is a fellow human.

A comment on Kent Larsen’s post Salvation or Happiness? at T&S:

• mike:
  

  To me “Plan of Happiness” sounds like something the Chinese communists came up with. It sounds too cult-like

A comment on fMhLisa’s post Reconciling Mormon Feminism with Patriarchy at FMH:

• Quimby:
  

  did you know there’s now an operation you can have to remove your horns?

  Of course some Bishops will try to talk you out of it – they will say that you should keep your horns as an outward symbol of just how different you are from the rest of the world – but so far I haven’t heard of anyone being denied a temple recommend because they were dehorned, so my feeling is, as long as it’s not a temple recommend question, it’s perfectly acceptable to get your horns removed.

  I have, and let me tell you, it’s so much easier to do my hair in the morning now that I don’t have to comb around the horn. And washing and conditioning has never been easier!

  . . . I have to admit that the downside is that I no longer “look different” – people don’t even know I’m a Mormon unless I tell them (or unless they’re passing out the drinks and I say no thanks, but even then, half the time they just assume I’m a recovering alcoholic) – so there’s a bit of that “special spirit” that’s disappeared from my life; but on the balance the positives way outweigh the negatives.

A comment on Kaimi Wenger’s post Unsubstantiated Rumor #2 at T&S:

• Alison Moore Smith (commenting on the difference between how multiple marriages are handled for women and men):
  

  BTW, I’m having cake over here tonight. Women, you can all have three or more pieces–with my approval. Men, you can, too, but you have to throw up all previous pieces in order to have more.

A comment on fMhLisa’s post Gross bodily functions: menstrual edition at FMH:

• Kerri:
  

  A couple of weeks ago my 4-year-old son came up to me all proud and said “I have it, just like you!” I didn’t know what he was talking about and kept on with the baking and dishes I was doing. So he kept gabbering on, and I asked him what he had like me. He bent over, pulled down his undies and showed me a tampon sticking half out of his butt. I almost died, both in horror and hilarity. I tried to stay calm and said, “You don’t have a vagina like Mama. And does that hurt?” and he just walked away saying, “I have a bum.” I found it in the bathroom trash a few minutes later. I’m guessing he wasn’t able to sit down whilst wearing it.

Comments on Rebecca’s post Toddlers and Testimonies at FMH:

• hero:
  

  favorite kid line while blessing the food: “and thank you for my super powers…”

• Janet:
  

  I thought our old ward had the weirdest experience when a fellow showed up to tell us our bishop was in league with satan and the government’s black helicopters, rambling on with increasingly violent diction until most of the big burley “silent type” men of the ward had quietly and quickly moved up to the stand. When the conspiracy theorist finished up he left quietly, and all the big dudes were then obligated to actually *bear their testimonies* rather than tackle him.

A comment on Kevin Barney’s post Kids Can Be Real [Expletive Deleted] Sometimes [brackets in original title] at BCC:

• Norbert:
  

  Ardis, I like the word ‘assholiness.’ I’m going to start using it, accusing people of being ‘assholier than thou.’

A comment on Kaimi’s post Prop-8-imonies at BCC:

• Kristine:
  

  I find Lamaze breathing far more helpful in church meetings than it ever was during childbirth

A comment on Shelah’s post (not) Feeding the Missionaries at FMH:

• Left Field:
  

  The missionaries are “forcing” their religion on people. They do it by ringing doorbells. Every time someone engages my doorbell, I am forced to change religions. I’ve been forced at threat of doorbell to vote for Obama. Then I was forced to vote for McCain. I was forced to buy Girl Scout cookies. The ultimate indignity was when I was forced by doorbell to sign a petition. It’s going to get very ugly when bank robbers and kidnappers realize that the doorbell is a much more effective instrument of force. However, there’s not much we can do since doorbell rights are protected by the second amendment.

  When doorbells are outlawed, only outlaws will ring doorbells. They’ll take my doorbell when they pry it from my cold, dead forefinger.

A comment on Amri Brown’s post Serious Thoughts on the One Exception to the No Facial Hair Rule at BCC:

• Norbert:
  

  I am SO tired of hearing how facial hair rules are needed to protect women from being afraid of men! Men and their moustaches cannot be held responsible for the emotional state of women! Somehow it means men don’t own their own faces, that their upper lip become the property of the women of the church, always subject to the female gaze! It is a limitation on the statement of our masculinity! If women think its perverty, then maybe they need to look into their own hearts for the pervertiness!

A comment on Janet’s post General Relief Society Conference at FMH:

• Janet:
  

  I worked in the BYU archives during my undergrad years, and my “office” was a little place hollowed out of stacks of endless boxes ala the last scene in *Raiders of the Last Ark.* One day I had folk music on my little stereo and was dancing around barefoot while organizing said boxes. I had a happy little bun in my hair and a jar of Nutella in my hand. I twirled to the music, turned around, and bumped right smack dab into . . . Dallin H. Oaks. Chocolate smeared across my dorky mouth, I looked up at him agape and said, “Hello. You look like Yul Brenner.” His response? “Thank you! My wife says so as well, but I am more handsome.”

  I like him.

A comment on a General Conference open thread at BCC:

• Johnna Cornett:
  

  I realized conference had started, downloaded the new player on lds.org, started it running live, and returned to work sewing a silk dress.

  Just in time to hear about those evil Nephites and their fine clothing.

A comment on Amy’s post Show a Little Love (and Understanding) at FMH:

• crazywomancreek (on the term “part member):
  

  the first time you ask someone to define their meaning- look them in the eye and say, “part-member”? I don’t know what business it is of yours to enquire after my husbands “member” but I assure you, he is all man

A comment on SteveP’s post Astrid grills a phone-missionary about evolution at BCC:

• Nitsav:
  

  Next time a fundamentalist confronts you at a pageant, and claims you believe we came from monkeys, you can respond, “yes, well, you believe we came from dirt.”

  I personally straddle the two camps by believing we came from dirty monkeys.

A comment on Steve Evans’s post Monday Morning Poll: Divine Power Edition at BCC:

• John C.:
  

  If you can find a legal justification for Nephi’s actions aside from “God told me, too,” I would be happy to hear it. If God commands, thou shalt not murder, but has exceptions in mind, then I’d be interested in having those noted beforehand, not afterwards.

A comment on Clay Whipkey’s post 5 Cool Things I Wish the LDS Church Were Doing at Mormon Matters:

• Matt Thurston:
  

  As for musical instruments… more guitar please, and less piano, violin, and flute. Seriously, what is wrong with the guitar? Is there some fear someone is going to bust into an LDS version of Stairway to Kolob?

A comment on Not Ophelia’s post A Reason the Church’s Prop 8 Stance Might Just be Inspired at FMH:

• Not Ophelia:
  

  Allowing marriage at all will just lead to a slippery slope of people marrying their pet turtles. We need a real propositiion, not this whimpy prop 8 nonsense. One that clearly outlaws marriage for all people. Then we won’t have to worry about all those pesky ‘what-if’s’ that might maybe happen someday if we don’t make everyone be just like us.

A comment on Kristine’s post A Short Question at BCC:

• Jacob J:
  

  I just went ahead and said a prayer for all the food that anyone will be eating tonight anywhere in the world, so no need to bless your dinner tonight, I’ve got it covered. No, don’t worry about it, I was happy to do it. This one’s on me, I’m sure you’ll have my back next time.

A comment on Kathryn Lynard Soper’s post Two-headed Hydra at T&S:

• JimD (on what the Lord might say about Prop 8):
  

  “Quit your whining about gay marriage, or so help me, I’ll steer this Earth into the next black hole I see!!!”

A comment on Devyn S.’s post The Church’s Overplayed Hand On Prop 8 at Mormon Mentality:

• annegb:
  

  I know we’re told the Constitution will hang by a thread and that there will be chaos in the last days, but I’m not as excited as I thought I would be about it.

• DKL (responding to another commenter):
  

  last time I checked, the glory of God was intelligence. Please provide a source for your contention that the glory of God is emotionally satisfying nonsense.

A comment on Dave Banack’s post 12 Questions for the LDS Newsroom, Part One at T&S:

• Adam Greenwood:
  

  The good thing about the Newsroom is that its only tentatively official. Disavowable and changeable, its like a beta revelation.

A comment on Kent Larsen’s post Mormon Halloween: Its Origin and Destiny at T&S:

• bfwebster:
  

  When I was a teenager, we had a pumpkin carving activity at Mutual the week of Halloween. I carved a fairly normal jack o’ lantern, then used some tin foil and red paint to form a cigar, which I put in the pumpkin’s mouth.

  It was a Jack o’ Mormon.

A comment on Steve Evans’s post Police Beat Roundtable #10 at BCC:

• Ardis E. Parshall (praising Steve Evans’s comments):
  

  Your remarks have all been cogent, informative, poetic, significant, and destined to live on in the literature of civilization.

  In fact, I hear NASA has inscribed your comments on a disk to be sent out into space as an indicator of the high water mark of human achievement. Alien life forms will read them with awe.

  In second fact, General Conference next April will consist entirely of a parade of apostles reading your comments into the record of the church, the words we are to live by for the following six months.

A comment on Kris Wright’s post For I was an hungered, and ye shot me at BCC:

• gst:
  

  I would kill to protect my food storage. But I have a lot of kids, so I might let people eat one of my kids.

A comment on Rusty’s post I Just Heard A Hilarious Joke About Prop 8 at Nine Moons:

• Seth R.:
  

  I think guys hooking up with guys is a great idea.

  More wives for me.

A comment on Brad’s post Prop 8 Redux: Afterthoughts at BCC:

• Kristine:
  

  I used “institutional growth” as shorthand for “individuals coming to Christ” because Brad’s post was couched in the language of cost-benefit analysis . . .

  (Also because I was running out the door to pick up kids from school and do the afternoon’s round of basketball/cello/soccer/physical therapy/grocery shopping/cooking/homework/laundry/dinner/Scouts/bedtime, and “institutional growth” was quicker to type. If you want nuance, please hire me a nanny and chauffeur 😉 ).

A comment on Rebecca J’s post Mormon book and games: Good, clean fun—or abomination? (Or both?) at BCC:

• meems:
  

  Before I was married I wanted to know all about s.e.x., without going and buying a book in a regular bookstore- you know? So I went to the LDS bookstore and bought all the books that had to do with marriage and the like, e.g. Sacred Intimacy, with the desperate hopes they would give me the low down on what it was all about and the official church approved ways of doing it.

  No. $80 later and still none the wiser. 🙂

A comment on Kristine’s post Mormonism and the English Language at BCC:

• Latter-day Guy:
  

  I have recently begun using “supernal,” and appositive phrases beginning with “even,” dozens of times after church on Sundays just to annoy my family. My parents think that it amounts to “mocking the brethren” which (they ought to know) only serves as encouragement. “Today, I taught a lesson out of a church manual. A supernal manual, even the Valiant 11 manual”

Comments on Quimby’s post Let’s Rewrite the Hymn Book at FMH:

• Katie:
  

  my BIL’s family has a joke about “Put Your Shoulder To The Wheel.” In their home, “duty” or “do your duty” was always code for #2. So, they would all break out in giggles whenever they would sing “do your duty with a heart full of song.” Oh, the irreverence.

• Shelah (explaining the “between the sheets” game she used to get through boring sacrament meetings):
  

  just add “between the sheets” to the end of the hymn title/first line of the hymn . . . so you get things like:

  Awake and arise between the sheets (tame)
  Abide with me between the sheets (somewhat suggestive)
  Lean on my ample arm between the sheets (PG)
  The world has need of willing men between the sheets (PG-13)
  I stand all amazed between the sheets (for the honeymoon)
  The iron rod between the sheets (XXX!)

A comment on Artemis’s post Shared Presiding at FMH:

• Derek:
  

  prayer in our home is typically determined by random chance/will of God. We play paper-rock-scissors. If God has a preference regarding to whom He wishes to listen at any given time, he will inspire that person’s choice and help them win.

A comment on fMhLisa’s post Am I a bad priesthood holder, or am I a bad husband? at FMH:

• KingOfTesticles:
  

  Are you mad at God for not letting you have the penis?

  It’s not like men can abuse this unique instrument of authority. Of course if any man wields his in any degree of unrighteousness, it is withdrawn, Amen to the penis or the authority of that man. Behold, ere he is aware, he is left unto himself, to kick against the pricks.

A comment on J. Nelson-Seawright’s post Baptizing Jesus at BCC:

• Rebecca J:
  

  I went to college with a guy who looked like Jesus. I didn’t know him personally. Frankly, his Jesusness was intimidating.

A comment on Rebecca’s post Advent – Day 1 at FMH:

• L.W.:
  

  Friend of mine asked her pre-schooler what Easter was all about. He said eggs and bunnies and pretty colors and springtime. She took a deep breath, and said, “Well, Honey, actually, those things are nice, but Easter is about the resurrection of Jesus”… And he whacked his head and said “You mean Jesus is going to ruin EASTER TOO? He’s already got Christmas!”

A comment on Ronan’s post A partial list of my Mormon failures, annotated. at BCC:

• Rameumptom:
  

  I have a friend, named Joel, who used lemonade in the sacrament once. On another time, he felt the water was to warm, and so placed the trays the night before in the freezer. How was he to know the stake president was going to visit that Sunday, and would not be amused at crunching his water?

A comment on Sam MB’s post Home Teaching Wisdom at BCC:

• Thomas Parkin (answering another commenter who said “I also hate people doing things for me so they can get blessings.”):
  

  Yeah. When my hometeachers come on the last day of the month, I always pray that they won’t get any blessings for it. If they seem particularly phony, I might also pray for their children to get sick, or maybe for them to lose their means of making a living. Maybe then they will get some perspective and come be my friend no later than the 15th of every month.

A comment on fMhLisa’s post Overheard (with pictures) at FMH:

• Janet:
  

  Me and one of my best college buddies have kids six weeks apart. I visited her two weeks ago, and her 4-year old expressed rabid interest in everything (and I do mean everything) me or Muffin did. He’s obviously expressed equally rapt attention to his baby brother’s activities, for during Muffin’s first diaper change of the visit the 4-year old leaned in for a good look, did a double take, squinted at Muffin’s non-circumcized penis and loudy queried:

  “What kinda penis is THAT??? They come in KINDS?”

A comment on ESO’s post Mormons: Now Valuing Virtue at Mormon Mentality:

• annegb:
  

  I have the sort of visiting teacher who reads the whole lesson in a sweet sing song voice and loves chants and I seriously looked at her today as she was reading me the lesson and I swear, I think I saw a “host” gleam in her eye. Or maybe a Stepford stare. But she does bring me really great cookies.

A comment on Adam Greenwood’s post Tithing Settlement 2008 at T&S:

• Kathryn Soper:
  

  All I can think about at tithing settlement is my husband’s idea to expedite matters: a drive-thru window in the Bishop’s office.

  Would you like to supersize that offering?

A comment on Shelah’s post Religion and Marketing at FMH:

• Quimby:
  

  in Ghana . . . businesses have names like, “Son of God Tyre Company,” “Blessed Mother Foreign Exchange,” and “Running on Prayers Taxi Co.” The last one didn’t inspire a lot of confidence – prayers are all well and good but I’d prefer it if my taxi was running on gas.

Comments on Janet’s post Consecrated Christmas Silliness at FMH:

• Shelah:
  

  I just sat down for the first time ALL DAY and I’m exhausted, and was immediately met with two requests for hot chocolate and one announcement of a poopy diaper. Where’s a good sister wife when you need her?

• Betty Jo:
  

  Some years back I received a cute little butter dish. The plate part is charmingly hand painted and just barely wider and longer than a cube of butter. The lid is formed in the shape of a duck. It’s also nicely painted, and just barely fits over that cube of butter (so long as the butter is still firm and perfectly centered.) Good grief – it is the most ergonometrically defective butter dish I’ve ever suffered from. With the first touch of a butter knife, there is butter on the edge of the dish, and butter covering the bottom of the duck lid. I find myself wiping dish and lid off with paper towel every day. Why, one may well ask, is it still in use, sitting on the counter all gross and greasy?

  There is but one reason – in a fit of fancy, a long long time ago, I asked one of the children to fetch the “Ducky Butter” to the dinner table. How now can I possible “off” something called “Ducky Butter”? I’m paralyzed by the power of the name. I daren’t give it away to anyone lest they also be captured.