Zelophehad’s Daughters

I am TBM

Posted by Mike C

(Best if read aloud, preferably to your children)

I am TBM.
TBM I am.

That T-B-M That T-B-M!
I do not like that T-B-M!

Do you like the patriarchy sham?

I do not like it, TBM.
I do not like the patriarchy sham.

Would you like it here or there?
Would you like it on Temple Square?

I would not like it here or there,
I would not like it on Temple Square.
I do not like the patriarchy sham,
I do not like it, TBM.

Would you like it you heterodox slacker?
Would you like it as taught by Packer?

I do not like it, I’m not a slacker.
I do not like it as taught by Packer.
I do not like it here or there.
I do not like it on Temple Square.
I do not like the patriarchy sham,
I do not like it, TBM.

Would you believe it in the church?
Would you believe it with FARMS research?

Not in the church, with FARMS research.
Not taught by Packer. I’m not a slacker!
I would not believe it here or there.
I would not believe it on Temple Square.
I would not believe the patriarchy sham,
I do not like it, TBM.

Would you? Could you?
If learned in seminary?
Trust it! Trust it!
It’s surely necessary.

I would not, could not,
No, I’m still very wary.

You may like it. You will see.
You may learn it in Primary.

Not Primary. I would not, could not in Primary.
It creeps me out! You let me be.

I do not like it in the church.
I do not like it with FARMS research.
I do not like it as taught by Packer.
I do not like it yet I’m no slacker.
I do not like it here or there.
I do not like it on Temple Square.
I do not like the patriarchy sham.
I do not like it, TBM.

The Friend! The Friend!
The Friend! The Friend!
Could you, would you read it in the Friend?

Not in the Friend! Not Primary!
Not seminary! TBM! Let me be!

I would not, could not, in the church.
I could not, would not, with FARMS research.
I will not believe it as taught by Packer.
I will not believe it yet I’m no slacker.
I will not believe it here or there.
I will not believe it on Temple Square.
I do not like it, TBM.

Say! In the temple? Here in the temple!
Would you, could you, in the temple?

I would not, could not, in the temple.
I wish I could, it’s so fundamental.

Would you, could you, as taught by the Bible?

I would not, could not, as taught by the Bible.
Not in the temple, the people are archetypal.
Not seminary, not Primary.
I do not like it, TBM, you see.
Not taught by Packer, not in the church.
I’m not a slacker! Not FARMS research.
I will not believe it here or there.
I do not like it on Temple Square!

You do not like the patriarchy sham?

I do not like it, TBM.

Could you, would you, in the Proclamation?

I would not, could not. It lacks persuasion!

Would you, could you, through Correlation?

I could not, would not, in the Proclamation.
I will not, will not, through Correlation.
I will not believe it in the Bible.
I will not believe it and that is final!
Not in the temple! Not Primary!
Not seminary! You let me be!
I do not like it in the church.
I do not like it with FARMS research.
I will not believe it as taught by Packer.
I do not like it and I’m no slacker.
I do not like it here or there.
I do not like it on Temple Square!
I do not like the patriarchy sham!
I do not like it, TBM.

You do not like it. SO you say.
Try it! Try it! And you may.
Try it and you may I say.

TBM!
What you must see,
Is I have tried it,
Since I was three.

I’ve tried the patriarchy sham!
I’ve tried it, tried it, TBM!
And I have tried it through Correlation!
And I have tried it in the Proclamation!
And I have seen it in the Bible
And in the temple. It has no rival.
And in seminary. And in Primary.
They are all so painful so painful you see!

So I won’t accept it in the church.
And I won’t accept it in FARMS research.
And I won’t believe it as taught by Packer.
No I won’t believe it, I’m not a slacker.
I won’t believe it here or there.
No! I won’t believe it ANYWHERE!

My heavenly parents teach differently,
And each says “All are alike unto me.
Though the patriarchy sham bears no malice,
It has no place in our Heavenly palace.”

And so I’d plainly like to add,
Thank you! Thank you,
Mom and Dad!

16 Responses to “I am TBM”

  1. 1.

    So fun! I especially like the sweetness of the last two stanzas. Thanks for making me laugh about something that can be painful.

  2. 2.

    I’m sorry if it’s obvious and just not clicking in my head, but what does TBM stand for?

  3. 3.

    Mike, this is great stuff! Thanks for the laugh!

    Olea, I think TBM = True Blue Mormon, a shorthand sometimes used to describe the most orthodox Church members.

  4. 4.

    Wow, Mike. Truly profound.

  5. 5.

    sorry, but I still don’t get TBM being most orthodox church members. please define . does most orthodox mean most rigid ? I am sure most reader understand what type of member you are alluding too but I am not sure.

  6. 6.

    (A whole post could be written critiquing the use of the term TBM—I have plenty of conflicted ideas about it myself.)

    Ever heard of “big-tent” Mormonism? I think the basic idea is that a “TBM” would be comfortable even in a small tent.

  7. 7.

    Mike C – Don’t quit your day job. Even if you’re not a slacker and not a slob. Even if patriarchy you can’t stand, it seems to be the church’s doctrine throughout the land. You’re obviously not a TBM, so the title is misleading. Learn to rhyme a bit better if feminists you are feeding.

  8. 8.

    I think the term for rejecting the leadership of the Brethren and asserting you have your own direct line to God that bypasses the prophets and apostles is “apostacy”. It includes people like the guy who started his own church in Manti, teaching polygamy combined with reincarnation. And it seems to include you.

    By the way, in “Green Eggs and Ham”, the refusenik eventually TASTES the Green Eggs and Ham, and finds that he LIKES it. Instead of Dr. Seuss’ parable about willingness to learn about the unfamiliar, you offer a rant that offers stubborn refusal to consider you might be wrong about something.

  9. 9.

    Yeah, Mike! What’s up with that!? You have apostatized from both the revealed truth of the Brethren (the gospel of patriarchy) AND the truth of our most hallowed secular saint—Br. Theodor Geisel! (Who’s your next target? Fred Rogers?)

    Let this be a lesson to everyone listening in on this conversation. First you fail to study your scriptures and Green Eggs and Ham on a daily basis. Next thing you know, you’re teaching polygamy and reincarnation—in Manti!

  10. 10.

    So, mostly I used T-B-M because it approximately rhymes with Sam I Am. I’m not sure I was thinking of a precise definition, but thanks Ziff and Kiskilili for the definitions.

    BM–loved your rhymes but ouch! You don’t think I’m up for the next poet laureate of the U.S.? Perhaps the bloggernacle has a position like that, although it would have to pay better than my gig at ZD. Meanwhile, I’m frantically trying to figure out how to recall the e-mail I sent to my boss giving him my 2 weeks notice.

    RTS–I think it is unfortunate that you feel you know me well enough to label me apostate based on my GE&H satire. I do have a direct line to God, as each of us does, and it is called the Spirit. It helps me discern between good and evil. Much of what the prophet and apostles teach I judge to be good, and therefore try to follow. But the Spirit does not testify to me of the goodness of patriarchy. I do not wish to invalidate someone else’s testimony of patriarchy, but to me its fruits do not taste good. I believe it is a remnant of our culture and history that needs to be changed, hopefully through divine revelation to church leaders.

    That being said, I agree that your example is disturbing. Anyone choosing to start a church in Manti is surely misguided. If I were starting a church I would go directly to Waikiki.

  11. 11.

    Yes! Polygamists in Manti is exactly what you were missing.

    I do not want a second wife!
    I do not want the certain strife!

    Would you, could you, with a teen?
    Or perhaps a woman not so green?

    Would you, could you if she were wed
    To another who was not yet dead?

    I do not want another bride!
    Or the inequality implied!
    I do not want one young or old.
    I have a wife to have and hold!
    I do not like polygamy
    I will not try it; you will see!

  12. 12.

    Oh, Ziff. Your polygamy stanzas are a wonderful addition.

  13. 13.

    Thanks, Andrew!

  14. 14.

    Mike & Ziff, love your parody :).

    Mike, kindly keep us posted should you decide to establish Our Lady of Perpetual Monogamy in Waikiki! I would like to expand with a branch on Maui.

    Thx! :)

  15. 15.

    Our Lady of Perpetual Monogamy–I love it, OldJen! I’m going to go light a candle to her. But it sounds too Catholic and not Mormony enough. Maybe it would be more Mormony if we put a cheerios bowl next to her and called her Our Lady of Cereal Monogamy.

  16. 16.

    Hahah never go in against a mathematician when puns are on the line. :)

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