Mormon Product Ideas

As someone who’s still blogging in 2025, I realize that I’m several generations behind in how things are done online nowadays. I was thinking of moving on to become a Mormon influencer on TikChat or InstaSnap or somesuch, and was wondering about the contraptions I might get to test or endorse. Here are some of my ideas.

• Lust monitor. These are a pair of smart glasses which constantly check what you’re is looking at, with special focus on other’s body parts. If you look at any part of another person’s body below the neck for more than one second (time may be adjustable), the glasses will deliver a small shock to your eyeballs. It’s not quite plucking out the offending eye, but it’s a reminder of the possibility. Note: Not recommended for medical professionals or massage therapists.
• Hidden inflatable seat cushion. For all those times you’re stuck sitting on a hard chair in second hour, or sacrament meeting, or any meeting really! Your fellow members might give you the side eye if you openly pull out a cushioned stadium seat. The pioneers walked across the plains, and you can’t even manage to sit on a hard chair for an hour? But with this subtle inflatable cushion that slips easily into your skirt or pants, you can quietly fill it and have more cushion for the tush-in’. Bonus points if it doesn’t sound like you’re passing gas when you let the air out.

• Real-time orthodoxy detector. If you’re on the lookout for particularly unorthodox (or orthodox) people in your ward, this tool will help by rating their talks, lessons, or even comments in class for orthodoxy. For example, do they quote a non-KJV Bible? You may not notice, but the orthodoxy detector will. Also, it will note if they make other unusual choices, like quoting Dietrich Bonhoeffer or Thomas Merton instead of usual LDS favorite C.S. Lewis, or referring to Jesus as Jesus rather than the Savior.
• GA voice changer. If you feel you aren’t being taken seriously enough in meetings, this device can change your voice to sound more like that of a GA, increasing certainty, gravity, and self-righteousness. Note that for plausible deniability, the device should only be used when your voice is being electronically amplified or transmitted, such as when giving a talk or when talking over a Zoom call. Unfortunately, this device works for men only.
• No-no nod off. This is a low-profile neck wraparound that can fit into the top of a shirt or blouse. It immediately detects the neck loll that indicates you’re falling asleep and provides a righteous shock to remind you of your duty to stay awake through even the most boring meetings!
• Church dirt detector drones. When you’re volunteered (or voluntold) to clean the church, and you’re not sure which parts to focus on in your limited time, you can simply release this flock of drones in the building. Like seagulls hunting crickets in the Salt Lake Valley in 1848, they will search out the rooms and items most in need of cleaning, with special focus on bathrooms. Unfortunately, unlike the seagulls, the drones will not solve the problem, but instead only identify it.
• Alcohol detector. This device has a probe which, when inserted into a liquid, can detect even the minutest quantities of alcohol so you can be sure to keep yourself unspotted from the world. An add-on device also allows the testing of solid items like cakes into which a wicked baker might have snuck alcohol.
• Dish tightness checker. Using a combination of temperature and moisture readings, this device checks whether the dish you are taking to a ward potluck is truly closed tight like unto a dish.
• Ministering visit detector. When you’re racking your brain to recall whether you’ve recently been in the presence of people you’re assigned to minister to, this helpful app can jog your memory. Given only the device name of a phone, fitness tracker, or other portable device your ministee owns, it uses Bluetooth to monitor when and for how long their device was in range, giving you a basis for saying you’ve seen them.
• Dirty soda recipe susser. If you find yourself spending too much money on interesting mixed soft drink concoctions, you can use this handy tool to figure out the secret recipes of your favorite items. You’ll then be able to save a bundle by just making the drinks at home!
• Expletive eraser. These headphones feed the sound from the world around you on a half-second delay, allowing them to bleep out any offending profanities. Choose from pre-loaded word lists, or supply your own! You can even add non-profanities that you might find distressing (e.g., polygamy). The headphones can replace these with a simple bleep sound, with a standard non-profane swap (e.g., damn becomes darn), or with your own custom substitution list. The price you pay in being forever a little behind in conversations will be small in comparison with the holiness you feel!