Leaked Memo on the Effects of Non-Priesthood Cooties (NPC)

In the wake of the Church’s recent announcement that young women will be allowed to hand out towels in the temple (and that priest-aged young men will be able to perform and witness baptisms for the dead), the following memo to the First Presidency that preceded the change has been leaked by an unnamed source in the Church hierarchy.

Executive summary

Recent research and revelation indicates that infection with Non-Priesthood Cooties (NPC) would not prohibit young women from handing out towels in the temple, and it is recommended that the current restriction on them doing so be lifted. No other changes in women’s or young women’s participation in priesthood ordinances are recommended, as NPC infection continues to be a serious concern in all other such situations.

Background

As the adornment of humanity, women and girls are, from birth, infected with Non-Priesthood Cooties (NPC) that prevent them from participating in priesthood ordinances in any way. (Note that NPC infection also makes it possible for women to become pornography.) Women’s NPC may even threaten the efficacy and validity of the ordinances themselves if women and girls get too close to them. The threat of NPC extends even to serving as a witness, a fact which has been known to prophets ancient and modern. For example, it is recorded in the New Testament that when the Savior was resurrected, and well-meaning female disciples attempted to convey this information to authorized priesthood leaders, Peter rightly doubted their testimony and believed it only when he had verified the event for himself. Although the women testified truthfully in this case, Peter was doubtless responding to previous situations in which the women’s NPC infection had prevented them from witnessing correctly.

Towel handling in the temple

Adult women currently perform the service of handing towels to just-baptized teens when baptisms for the dead are performed in the temple. Although there has been some concern that NPC infection levels may be even higher among teen girls than among adult women, research and revelation suggest that, especially as towels will be handed to patrons only after the ordinance is complete, NPC infection that would invalidate the ordinance is unlikely to occur. It is the recommendation of the committee that towel handling in the temple be opened up to young women.

Sacrament passing

Church members who are no better than wolves in sheep’s clothing have agitated for young women to be permitted to pass the sacrament alongside young men. Such a foolhardy change would clearly threaten the veracity and power of the ordinance, as the sacred emblems would become hopelessly NPC contaminated. It is the recommendation of the committee that this restriction remain in place, and furthermore, that bishops keep a watchful eye over their congregations to ensure that trays are not handled too continuously by women or girls. Bishops in wards where women make up the majority of the congregation (e.g., in singles’ wards) should be encouraged to have priesthood holders bring the sacrament to each congregant directly, rather than risk the NPC contamination that would likely result when the trays are repeatedly handled by women.

Participating in baby blessings

Wicked feminists have agitated for women to participate in baby blessings by either holding the baby or holding the microphone. The risk of NPC contamination of the blessing is high. If a woman holds the baby during its blessing, her NPC run the risk of not only invalidating the blessing, but even turning it into a cursing. A baby blessed to marry in the temple may end up instead gay married, for example. Having a woman hold the microphone may seem less risky, as there is no direct contact with the giver or the receiver of the blessing, but the risk may be even higher. The very words of the blessing themselves may be distorted rather than being amplified, and a loving father might inadvertently bless his child to join the communist Peace Corps rather than serve a mission. The committee recommends that women be kept far from the circle in baby blessings.

Witnessing ordinances

Prophetic guidance indicates that women are unreliable witnesses, and are unfit to witness priesthood ordinances. Opening witnessing up to women and their NPC-infected eyes would run the risk of having incorrectly performed ordinances treated as valid. A woman would be unlikely to notice, for example, that a child being baptized had stuck both feet out of the water, which would not only invalidate the ordinance, but would also turn the child into an agent of the destroyer, who rides upon the waters. Clearly, this is far too great a risk to take. The committee recommends that women and girls continue to be excluded from witnessing ordinances.

Conclusion

In spite of careful consideration before monumental changes such as the one recommended in this memo, the threat of NPC infection to priesthood ordinances remains always a concern. It is unfortunate, for example, that women and teen girls need to be in the temple at all, as their NPC infection is a constant threat. It is especially a concern that women are exercising priesthood authority in the temple, limited though it may be. Previous prophetic guidance in this area has indicated that as women are already hopelessly infected with NPC, and female ordinance workers perform ordinances only for female patrons, there is little loss in the threat of transfer of NPC from ordinance worker to patron. The committee recommends, though, that the First Presidency continue in prayer and supplication before the Lord to allow men to stand as proxies for women in the temple, as this is the only change that would allow the temple to be completely cleansed from NPC.