Because I was born and raised a Mormon, it seems only right to begin this post with a definition:
Pep Talk
n. Informal
1. A speech of exhortation, as to a team or staff, meant to instill enthusiasm or bolster morale.
2. An enthusiastic talk designed to increase confidence, production, cooperation, etc.
Now watch this video.
For the last 5 years or so, I think we have seen a definite uptick in the number of pep talks us LDS women have been getting. We’ve been told how incredible (!) we are. How needed we are. How moral we are. How important we are. And it seems to me we can’t go even one General Conference (not to mention a single Sunday) without being told how equal we are 10 times. It is clearly a priority that we be buttered up.
And you know, there is a reason for this rather manic upswing in compliments. You may have heard of Kate Kelly—excommunicated not necessarily for believing that women should be ordained, but rather for being the ring leader of a very large and PR savvy group of people who agreed with her. Plus the rumblings of mid 20’s (my own demographic) leaving the church in droves. Women especially. Thinking of my own group of friends from BYU, I see the migration. I would estimate that only 40% of the women in my different groups of friends are still active in the church (interestingly, my friends from the Women’s Studies minor and feminist clubs have a higher activity rate than those from my major, ward, or work groups. Stereotype busted!)
It’s obvious that all 28 floors of the church office building are aware of this exodus (and the spiffy website and media attention of Ordain Women only compounded the situation. Plus the fact that, you know, OW simply has a good point and is therefore very persuasive). That is why we are so inundated with being told how great we are. Walk into any Deseret Book and look at how many featured books right in the front are about how great women are. Spoiler Alert: it’s a lot.
What I personally don’t think the church office building is aware of is how ineffective their pep talks are to the people they are trying to pep talk– the people who see problems and inequalities. They have a very effective echo chamber up there. Consider the time the church PR counseled with the women behind Mormon Women Stand to “discuss” women’s issues. I picture the PR team asking in concerned voices “Does the new book about women and the priesthood by Sheri Dew alleviate your concerns?! What about our talks in General Conference? Did they make you feel equal?!” Of course those women said yes, they were fine and felt totally equal and we can prove it by putting quotes about womanhood on pastel chevron backgrounds. They are a group that already agreed 100% with the status quo. They didn’t represent those that leave. Would it not have been a little more effective, or at the very least interesting to counsel with the board of Ordain Women if you wanted to get feedback about how people felt about inequalities? I think it would have.
I see why the pep talk strategy has been employed though. It’s classic. When a groups morale is low. When they feel like they can’t go on. When they feel unsupported and under appreciated, a good pep talk can really work wonders. Consider these examples: President Kennedy’s “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.” Henry V’s “St. Crispin’s Day” monologue (a la Shakespeare of course). Patrick Henry’s persuasive “Give me liberty, or give me death!” speech. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s “I have a dream” pep talk. And of course, Christ’s Sermon on the Mount and King Benjamin’s address in Mosiah 2.
Important to note however, is that those great pep talks of history did not have Elder Ballard style addendum. President Kennedy didn’t say “but don’t ask TOO much.” Henry V didn’t just talk big, he led the charge to fight the English. Patrick Henry and the Founding Fathers (and Mothers) went ahead and started the revolutionary war. Martin Luther King Jr. marched and organized, and then marched and organized some more. Christ did away with the “eye for an eye” laws and led us all to something greater.
The gap between what is said over the pulpit and what actually happens in regards to women’s equality in the church has already been discussed at length here on the bloggernacle. It is not enough to just tell us we are equal over and over and over again. What would actually make a difference is if we were…treated as and considered equal (I know…a crazy proposition). I want the discussion to move on to how best to bring equality—there are some great ideas to hash out—but I feel like instead of doing anything constructive, church leadership are plugging their ears and repeating “Women ARE equal already!” over….and over….and over again. It does not feel like a conversation.
I say all of this to explain why I found the clip of Elder Ballard at the beginning of this post so interesting. There he is, building it all up just like every Mormon feminist has dreamed—Women should be heard! And included! etc etc…and then after saying those words, he has to clarify that he doesn’t REALLY mean it like that. I mean…we need to understand that we can’t talk THAT much and that we aren’t REALLY “equal” since the men are still in charge. It’s like they know our calls for equality do make sense, and that we do have a point but it is so shattering to the separate sphere paradigm that he has this “can.not.compute” moment, panics and back pedals, and we are able to watch it happen in a 34 second youtube clip!
So here’s my point: the clip of Elder Ballard is an absolutely perfect example of the problem. And I hope that church leadership watches it a lot and realizes that all the pep talks have got to stop as long as the follow up message to them is going to be *but not THAT equal! Stop telling us and start showing us. I’m not even saying you have to ordain us all right now! I’m just asking for something. Do SOMETHING. (and no, finally hanging pictures of female leadership in the conference center doesn’t count. You can do better than that. You are prophets, seers, and revelators after all).
We’re ready. We’re knocking. We’re asking. And well frankly, we’ve been at it for a long time and many of us are getting too tired and too wounded from the fight. So we’re leaving. Your pep talks are not going to bring us back because we have experienced Elder Ballard’s addendum–that we should not talk TOO much or think that we are TOO equal–our whole lives.
This is what I hear in my head during these pep talks:
“Sisters, we recognize that we take shameless advantage of of your time, your energy and your patience. But please keep putting up with it! If you don’t, it will screw everything up for us.”
I love you. That is all.
This is exactly how I have felt for two decades as an adult in the church. I’m not leaving and I’ll probably never leave. But, my feelings for the institutional church have been decaying for a long time. I have served in many presidencies and taught many lessons. I know I’m not alone. Thank you so much for this article.
Wonderful! Well said. Thank you, Pandora.
I distinctly remember a moment of striking clarity. I was sitting in my car in my driveway after returning home from a RS lesson on priesthood. I remember puzzling and puzzling over why women in my ward kept explaining why it’s okay that women don’t hold the priesthood. All sorts of reasons were given. Many reasons. Varied reasons. Over and over women were telling themselves and each other it was okay.
Suddenly it dawned on me: We keep telling ourselves “It’s okay” because deep down in our guts we know it’s not okay. We know something is wrong, but we aren’t sure how to make it right. So, we just keep coming up with reasons for why it’s okay. (OW may believe they have the answer to how to make it right. I don’t necessarily agree about the fix. But I do agree we have a problem.)
These pep talks are more of the same. “Women are incredible” It’s okay. “Women have moral authority” It’s okay. “Women participate in councils” It’s okay.
Well, guess what? It’s not okay. “We’re ready. We’re knocking. We’re asking. And well frankly, we’ve been at it for a long time. . .” Amen. Thanks again for this post.
Great post, Pandora. That “we want you to be equal, but not *really* equal” message is so depressing.
Melody, I love your explanation of your realization. For a point of comparison using everyone’s favorite comparison FAIL, I’ve never once heard men in the Church reassuring themselves that it’s okay that we don’t get to have babies.
I’m not going anywhere – I have a firm testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and I will hang in there until the bitter end, but as a single childless woman, it is very clear that there is no real place for a woman like me in the Church. Women are useful, incredible and important because they are wives and mothers and for no other reason.
Amazing post, Pandora! Also amazingly sad.
The day I heard about this talk I also heard an interview on NPR about a woman who was fighting back against sexual harassment towards women who were involved in the computer gaming industry. I couldn’t help but feel that the attitudes expressed in the talk, however well-intended or joking, are linked in some way to the attitudes in our society that enable sexual harassment.
And if not linked, then at least the church’s benevolent sexism represents a huge missed opportunity for helping men develop more enlightened attitudes towards women.
There are lots of men who agree, are embarrassed, but also powerless, and support fully what you have said.
I was only half-listening to Elder Ballard’s comment as I read onward through your post, and at first, I thought his words actually represented a more general encouragement to keep leadership meetings shorter.
Hooray! I thought.
Then I went back and listened again.
Amen, Pandora. Well said. Sadly true, but well said.
A while back I remember reading a cartoon, maybe by Grondahl (?) which showed a brother in a suit at the pulpit in conference reading a teleprompter that was going off with bells and whistles, “REMEMBER TO THANK THEM!!!!”
Although you are absolutely correct in identifying the recent stoking of women’s egos, I recognize that the rank-and-file get these kind of talks as well, albeit less frequently. I guess what I’m trying to say is that the marginalized and voiceless powerhouses are often praised for doing exactly what they are doing . . . and yes, women are getting a lot of the patronizing speeches right now.
My second pet peeve is when husband and wife “thank” the Lord for their spouse, or talk about all that their spouse sacrifices for God/country/church/children. It’s a way of giving each other familial social capital in feigned humility. One can also do this by telling their pioneer ancestor stories. Ugh. We are excellent at double-speak.
Back to point, Psalms 12:3
“May the Lord cut off all flattering lips, The tongue that speaks great things.”
my energy is depleted as well. I’m tired. I’m tired of it all as well. We all keep saying the same things against the same rebuttals and talkingpoints as people #sharegoodness . . . and I don’t think it will ever end.
I’ve shared with some people I’ll never leave for a variety of reasons, but my biggest fear is that I become a zombie at church where I have to turn my brain off and just go through the motions to survive. Just to check the box. That’s the tragedy I fear will come true.
No amount of pep talks will help me avoid that fate.
“You can do better than that. You are prophets, seers, and revelators after all).”
right? is it really so difficult to look past your cultural baggage and social prejudices? it’s just painful. it should be so much better.
Pandora, thank you for your spot-on analysis.
Kristine, I was that zombie for too many years. I followed the cultural over-the-pulpit-taught-as-scripture advice about what God wanted women to do for many decades before finally reclaiming my very self by stepping back to get a clearer view.
I lost the final bits of my testimony 5 years ago after yet another political campaign by a church that claims to be apolitical.
It has been a shattering experience all the more complicated by knowing the judgmental attitudes of stake members. I’m prickly and defensive because I don’t feel safe talking to any local leaders about it and discussion with non-local leaders is no longer an option. Now I look back with sadness and a bit of self contempt at the example I set for our (now adult) children.
I hope the bloggernacle’s *agitations* will continue to illustrate and call for the need for substantive change. It sounds like “all 28 floors of the church office building” (love that descriptor Pandora!) are indeed becoming more and more aware. Although the “benevolent sexism” (thanks Mike C) is deeply entrenched, I am hopeful that the Stepford Wives (1975 version) model will be retired.
I long and hope for egalitarianism to become an actual (not-just-publicly-sanctioned) policy and reality for us all. Zders and other bloggernacle folk: thank you for giving us all a voice. Please, keep up the good work towards this end.
Okay, so how could this be handled to provide the support for which many women are genuinely hungry, without offending those who prefer not to hear that message?
Because a lot of women do appreciate statements that support motherhood as being equally important to what men do.
We are not promoting the 1950sor Stepford wives at all. It is a newer kind of doing things, not “Father Knows Best” but mom and dad as equal partners. Not a woman who didn’t bother to get an education because all she wanted was an MRS. degree, but a woman who is smart and educated and can do a lot of things, but chooses to focus her talents and efforts on being a wife and mother for a season. Not mom at home blissfully scrubbing the house and preparing gourmet meals nobody wants, but a mom who teaches children to clean and cook, preparing them to be independent whether it is serving a mission or being a parent.
So how to give praise for those women without offending others?
I live thousands of miles from the nearest Deseret Book store, so no, I haven’t walked through one in a decade or more. Is part of this dynamic that with Utah culture it is yet one more thing, whereas to me out here it is a fresh voice that I don’t hear anywhere else?
I put up with so much crap in my workplace and volunteer groups of people making fun of my work-life balance, trying to get me to regret that I took time off to be home fulltime, or insist that I put the job first.
And I am not going to give in to their bullying.
I look forward to General Conference and General Women’s Meeting, and love what I hear there. On various occasions, my prayers have been answered.
And it’s not that I don’t love my paid job. I do. I have a graduate degree, I do interesting work, I chaired a committee for my national professional organization. And my graduate degree has helped me with church callings like working in public affairs.
But it is not the most important thing in my life. I know from my patriarchal blessing that being a mom is.
So I turned down a fellowship for a second graduate degree that would have taken me away from my family too much at a critical time in their life. I structured my paid work to allow me to be home with my kids. And was roundly criticized and ridiculed. I needed a damn pep talk from somewhere!!!!!
So I am very tired as well. And in recent years, I now feel guilty if I enjoy any positive comments about motherhood over the pulpit. And honestly, I don’t know a single woman in the church who agrees 100% with the “status quo,” which is something we negotiate ongoing so please don’t judge us all as being mindless sheep in an us vs. them fashion.
Naismith,
I have noticed that you have mentioned on a number of blogs over the years that you have been criticized in work settings for taking time off for family. Could you be more specific about how these types of interactions play out? I am genuinely curious because this hasn’t been my experience at all in the world of work. I used to function under the assumption that everyone in “the world” would not understand or value my desire to spend time with my family, but found out that the opposite was true. I found out that the vast majority of people I work with care a good deal about achieving a good work/life balance. I imagine that it would vary a lot between different types of job-cultures. Now, I am certainly not saying that your experiences aren’t valid (and I hope it doesn’t come across that way), just really wonder what devaluing family would look like in this day in age.
Naismith, I’ve heard you make this comment over and over again in quite a few places; that the over-praising of motherhood is something you need and helps you. Even though I feel this is a little off topic of the OP (who focused on womanhood pep talks as a whole, and the “highest holiest motherhood” type is just one kind….)
Here’s one way: The most important and highest and holiest calling is to follow Christ and be a good christian and help others feel His love. SAHMs, you exemplify your savior and encourage your children to be like Him and help them feel his love. This is your most important work God has for you to do right now. Those of you in the workplace, exemplify your Savior and help them feel His love; this is the most important work God has for you to do right now. Fill in the blank ___________ (volunteers, interacting with neighbors, whatever etc.) == whatever God is having you do right now is the most important work God wants you to do. Whatever your circumstance, he wants you to build the kingdom of God and be a good disciple whatever the part of the garden you may be planted in.
I don’t see how that devalues motherhood and the work you do in any way. yet it supports all women in the path God has given them to walk. I had an answer to prayer I wasn’t to have more children (at this moment) but what he wanted me to do was just as important in building His kingdom. So………….
“as a single childless woman, it is very clear that there is no real place for a woman like me in the Church”
Do Sheri Dew and Mary Ellen Edmunds realize that there is no real place for women like them in the Church?
Beatrice, I am glad that you have found an environment that supports you in the way that you need, and yes, I am sure that this varies from workplace to work place. I don’t want to detract too much from Pandora’s OP, but just to share a few examples.
I am a soft-money researcher, so I change jobs every 3-7 years looking for the next big grant. In my experience it is rare to find a part-time professional job actually advertised. Usually landing my next gig is a matter of talking to people, explaining what you can do for them, and being clear that while I prefer part-time overall, I understand the roller-coaster nature of our work and will deliver no matter what it takes.
Around 2010, I was weighing two part-time jobs, and finally settled on one. I showed up for work the following Monday, and was informed that they had decided that they needed me full-time and hadf sent the final budget in that way. She smiled down at me, “You can thank me later. You’ll find that your family doesn’t need me as much as you thought they did.”
It was late in the academic hiring year so I was unlikely to find another opportunity. I was pretty well screwed. She said that I could work out my own schedule but when I actually took time off during a weekday to get a daughter ready for marching band or whatever there were comments about “one of my many absences” in a disapproving tone. I will have nightmares thinking about all the bullying there, and when I left she lied about my departure by telling other faculty that my “husband didn’t want me to work,” which wasn’t true and made me sound like a blithering spineless female who can’t make her own decisions, and clearly was not true since I found another paid job.
In 3 of the 4 departments where I have been employed since my youngest started kindergarten, I have had problems with nastiness and even sabotage from administrative staff who resented that after “sitting on my butt for years” as a mother at home while they had been working hard, I was hired “over their heads” for a more senior position at higher pay. I guess the good thing was that I learned a lot about administrative requirements in order to ensure that deadlines were met and their work was done properly:) One lady called me at home in tears to apologize for having been so unkind.
But there are a lot of institutional barriers, too. I was offered a nice fellowship to get my PhD, but only if I agreed to attend full-time. That was not the right thing for our family. I would have done it if there was an option for part-time.
While I prefer a part-time appointment, I of course want all the (pro-rated) benefits. That is entirely possible, but some departments don’t want to be bothered or feel that part-timers don’t “deserve” it if they are not going to make a full-time commitment. At one point, I noted that of the 8,000 staff, only perhaps a dozen of us have that kind of appointment, and most of them were senior folks nearing retirement, despite findings from places like Pew that many moms of young children would like part-time employment.
Well, not to go on and on, but that is a taste of it….
“that the over-praising of motherhood is something you need and helps you.”
It doesn’t sound like “over-praising” to my ears. Just praising. Elder Ballard’s 2008 General Conference talk DAUGHTERS OF GOD, for example, was one that resonated with me.
“Those of you in the workplace, exemplify your Savior and help them feel His love; this is the most important work God has for you to do right now.”
Um, that may or may not be true. I don’t honestly believe that when I am in the workplace that it always IS the most important work that God has for me A lot of the time I was in the workplace, I also had commitments as a wife, mother, grandmother or church leader that were the more important things that God had for me to do.
I don’t think that maternal employment status wins any celestial bonus points or makes one woman more righteous than another. And I hear the church teaching AGAINST such attitudes. As President Monson said, “Some of you stay at home with your children, while others of you work outside your homes. …. Such differences are almost endless. Do these differences tempt us to judge one another?”
I agree, it is all about each of us finding out the path that the Lord would have us take in our life at a particular point in time.
As then-President Beck said, “The question of whether or not to work is the wrong question. The question is, “Am I aligned with the Lord’s vision of me and what He needs me to become and the roles and responsibilities He gave me in heaven that are not negotiable?”
Of course the answer is different for each of us.
To N.W. Clerk:
“I have thought long and hard about the work of women of God. And I have wrestled with what the doctrine of motherhood means for all of us. This issue has driven me to my knees, to the scriptures, and to the temple. . . ” Sheri Dew (Nov 2001)
Obviously she did struggle with being single and childless and what it means to women in the Church.
To N. W. Clerk:
The Church is very quick to put Shari Dew on the main stage whenever single sisters feel undervalued, but the truth is that Sister Dew is the CEO of one of the Church’s big money-making for-profits and probably wouldn’t be able to do so if she were focusing her time and talents on raising children and keeping a tidy home. Shari Dew, as far as I’m concerned, should never be used as a comparison for the many sweet, single sisters who feel left out . . . at least not until the Church makes them all a CEO of one of their companies. (Not saying she didn’t earn it, but I am saying that it is unfair to use her as a comparison.)