To celebrate Father’s Day, here are a few of my Mormon-themed (or at least church-related) dad jokes. Please recall as you read that when your eyes roll, they are momentarily pointed toward heaven. You’re welcome. (Note: In case you’re curious, I’m the author of all of these jokes, at least as far as I know. But given how joke-telling is a social activity, and they get written and re-written as they’re passed around, it’s entirely possible that I’ve unconsciously borrowed from other sources.)
Q: If Isaiah lived today, what would he call his TV show where he lamented people’s obsession with clothes?
A: Everybody Loves Raiment.
Q: Why might serious students of scripture roll their eyes at you if you keep messaging about the alcohol content of your drinks?
A: Because you are proof texting.
Q: What hymn do Christians sing when they’re wishing to serve the world alcohol by becoming a distillery?
A: Be Still, My Soul.
Q: What’s the difference between a church that has a lot of rules and one that requires you to take drugs to progress in the hierarchy?
A: One is a high demand religion; the other is a demand high religion.
Q: What do the Nazgûl call their statements of belief?
A: The Articles of Wraith.
Q: In what parable now lost to history did Jesus tell of a widow who, angry at her donations being wasted on frivolous things, punched out a church leader?
A: The widow’s smite.
Q: Why don’t nuns make their own clothes?
A: Because it’s habit forming.
Q: Why is it difficult to give mild praise to a bell choir?
A: Because anything you say will sound like a ringing endorsement.
Q: What did Zoramites install on their phones to remind them when it was time to pray?
A: Rame-app-tom.
Q: What do you call the tower that MAGA Mormons stand on to express their devotion to their Dear Leader?
A: The Rame-Trump-tom.
Q: Why can Luke 5:19, where a palsied man is let down through a tiled roof by his friends to be healed by Jesus, be interpreted in more than one way?
A: Because it’s a verse o’ tile.
Q: Why does BYU’s mascot not do tricks with alcoholic beverages or practice on Sundays?
A: ‘Cause Mo.
Q: What do you get if a Christian clergyperson gets crosses tattooed on each of their buttocks, and then works their glutes out so that when flexed, they’ll attract the attention of parishioners?
A: Hot cross buns.
Q: If you make a list of LDS missionary opportunity types, why will everyone notice if you leave out one where missionaries work to help de-train narcissists by constantly responding to whatever they say by staring angrily at them and uninterestedly saying “oh”?
A: Because it’s a glaring “oh” mission.
Q: What’s the difference between a garden where Jesus suffered and an insult said of a guy where you compare him to ejaculate from a black-clad person?
A: One is Gethsemane; the other is “goth semen, he.”
Q: Why can’t a government censor the words of a superior in a religious order before they publish them?
A: Because that would be prior restraint.
Q: How do we know Nephites were interested in wedding wear?
A: Because Alma the Younger advised his son to “bridal all your fashions.”
Q: With what discourse did Joseph Smith advocate for bringing back the primitive church practice of having pauses in their music?
A: The rest oration.
Q: If a religious group splits over the question of whether they like or shame people for having big butts, why might people think their eyesight needs correction?
A: Because it’s an ass stigma schism.
Q: Why might LDS sailors serving on a submarine get in trouble if one of them confers priesthood on another?
A: Because that’s in-sub ordination.
Q: In what lost book of scripture did Joseph Smith expound on roosters in pairs, birds the Holy Ghost took the form of, and colony-building insects with complex social behaviors?
A: Cock twin & dove ‘n ants.
Q: If Mormons call for the de-canonization of D&C 89:9, why might they be mistaken for calling for the voices of more groups of people to be heard in the Church?
A: Because they’re saying “Die, verse o’ tea!”
Q: What LDS song for children reminds them that it’s not enough merely to honor God in their bathroom habits?
A: Rev’rence Is More Than Just Quietly Shitting.
Q: What Christian church encourages upward progress among its members, so much so that it celebrates holidays for particular climbing implements?
A: The Church of Jesus Christ of Ladder Day Saints.
Q: What do you call the LDS Church’s campaign against animal traps in Montana?
A: No MT snares.
Q: Why might the invocation giver in sacrament meeting include some vulgar comments?
A: Because they’ve just been listening to “pray lewd” music.
Q: What would David A. Bednar call it if a prophecy warned of a dozen ominous basins filled with female horses and pig fat, but when it was fulfilled, two of them failed to materialize?
A: Ten dire mare seas of the lard.
Ooh – nice. Every one. THX.