A few days ago, Russell M. Nelson announced the long-awaited dates for the Salt Lake Temple open house: April to October . . . of 2027. As he appears to be opening up his calendar to officially put his stamp on upcoming events, I thought I’d speculate about some of his other calendar entries that he might loose upon the world:
X/X/202X — On the death of Russell M. Nelson, the remainder of the Q15 vote that to keep in remembrance the name of this most beloved of prophets, future presidents of the Church will be called the second Nelson, the third Nelson, and so forth, following the pattern put forth in Jacob 1:11. The Church membership’s vote is, of course, unanimous in favor.
4/20/202X — Based on notes left behind by Russell M. Nelson, the second Nelson officially renames The Book of Mormon “The Book of Nelson.” This is a major loss for Satan.
12/31/203X — The third Nelson announces the dissolution of all branches, wards, and stakes, as well as the closure and sale of all chapels. As the only eternally important function that Church units provide are baptism and confirmation, these ordinances are moved inside temple lobbies, where fonts have been hastily added. The “Church supported” part of “home-centered/Church-supported” gospel teaching is moved entirely online.
4/3/2032 — At the opening session of General Conference, the fourth Nelson announces he has had a vision in which he beheld the first Nelson already sitting down in the celestial kingdom with his wives, much like how Joseph Smith recorded a vision where he saw his brother Alvin in the celestial kingdom. Church members vote unanimously to add this revelation as section 139 of the D&C.
6/9/203X — To great fanfare, the Church announces that the fifth Nelson has personally stood in as proxy for temple ordinances for the most beloved American president, Donald J. Trump. Trump has also been sealed to each of his wives and affair partners, in a ceremony lasting three hours. Russell M. Nelson serves as a witness from the spirit world.
5/1/20XX — The Moscow, Russia Temple is completed, and Vladimir Putin is the first person to tour it. He is immediately converted and baptized (by the sixth Nelson), and opening of the temple is delayed one year so he can also be its first patron.
10/2/2099 — Just in time for October General Conference, the Church completes its 1000th temple, announced from the next life by Russell M. Nelson.
4/6/21XX — Jesus returns for his Second Coming, during the reign of the sixteenth Nelson, in an event sponsored by the estate of Russell M. Nelson.
Note regarding the numbers redacted with an X: If the world can find out these numbers, So let it be, Amen.
Maybe after about 4 Nelsons, someone decides they might like a different name, and the pope-like tradition of choosing a name is born as Second Hinckley is sustained in general conference. This inspires the guy sitting second in seniority, known for his right wing politics, to take the name Second Benson when it becomes his turn.
The original Putin is going to make it all the way to the reign of sixth Nelson? Or is this going to be third Putin? (It seems like ‘sixth’ should be capitalized, but since Jacob/Joseph/the stone/the printer didn’t capitalize it, I guess I’ll leave it lowercase.)
11 and 16 temples were dedicated in 2023 and 2024, respectively. If we continue to see 10+ dedicated per year, we will be in the neighborhood of 1000 in 2099. But we’ve had at least 32 temples announced in each of the last 4 years, and if we hold that pace, we’ll have about 2900 announced temples by 2099, which means the temple backlog would be 1900 buildings and the 1000th temple we’re dedicating in 2099 would have been announced back in 2045.
In the future when young men are wrestled into submitting mission papers, the sign of the Bishop’s authority shall be called a Half-Nelson.