Unrelated people sharing GAs’ names who the Church will be condemning next

From this Vice News story published on Friday, it sounds like the Church is distancing itself from Tim Ballard, founder of Operation Underground Railroad. Apparently, he had some connection with M. Russell Ballard (although the two aren’t related), but President Ballard now wants nothing to do with him. I can understand why, as Tim Ballard sounds pretty unhinged. I get why lots of Mormons have loved his books that read Mormonism into American historical figures like Washington and Lincoln. But at this point, as he’s using a psychic to contact Nephi and claims special intelligence on the Second Coming, he sounds like he’s about five minutes from declaring himself to be the One Mighty and Strong and declaring the time has come to put the Church in order.

Now that the Church is condemning Ballard, I wonder what other people or organizations who share Q15 members’ names they will also feel the need to explicitly distance themselves from.

• Russell M. Nelson — President Nelson wants to distance himself from the 1990s band Nelson, although he did advise them to rewrite their hit song “(Can’t Live Without Your) Love and Affection” as “(Can’t Live Without Your) Chaste Love and Appropriately Distanced Affection.”

• Dallin H. Oaks — Raleigh, North Carolina, known as the “City of Oaks,” is nevertheless no city for President Oaks, as it is also home to a particularly LGBTQ-friendly area known as the “Gayborhood.”
• Henry B. Eyring — Because the Church left Ohio on bad terms in its early days, not to mention that the state denied its request for a bank charter, President Eyring wants nothing to do with Eyring Movers, who are headquartered near Cleveland, Ohio.
• Jeffrey R. Holland — When Elder Holland hears that Holland America Cruise Line is often mentioned on lists of most LGBTQ-friendly cruise lines, he reaches for his musket.
• David A. Bednar — Elder Bednar is flattered when people mix him up with Pittsburgh Pirates closer David Bednar, but he wants to make clear that he is not in fact moonlighting as a professional baseball player.
• Quentin L. Cook — Elder Cook wishes people would stop asking whether he can get them a discount on their pacemakers, as he has no connection to medical device maker Cook Group. He explains that he’s more in the business of helping people let the Spirit write in the fleshy tables of their hearts.
• D. Todd Christofferson — Although Christofferson Commercial Builders seems like a fine business, Elder Christofferson wants to be clear he has no association with them, as some of their projects have included restaurants where customers may be served alcohol.
• Neil L. Andersen — While Elder Andersen thinks it’s a noble thing to serve one’s country in the armed forces, he wants no connection with faraway postings like Andersen Air Force Base in Guam, as personnel deployed there may be away from their families for extended periods, and thus unable to work on increasing the size of said families.
• Gary E. Stevenson — Stevenson Company, Inc., which makes, among other things, so-called stainless steel spiral chutes, worries Elder Stevenson because he believes that the idea of achieving stainlessness by purely secular means is a satanic trap. He knows that true stainlessness comes only through repentance and the Atonement.
• Ulisses Soares — Elder Soares admires tennis player Bruno Soares, but he wants to make clear that even though Bruno, who is 24 years his junior, retired last year, Elder Soares’s career as a GA is really just getting started.