Church Announces New Cryptocurrency: WritCoin

On the eve of its 193rd annual General Conference, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints made a startling announcement, through spokesman Brigham Orson Andreasson: the Church is getting into cryptocurrency. However, rather than involving itself with any existing cryptocurrency, the Church is introducing its own, a version to be called HolyWritCoin, or simply WritCoin. Andreasson explained that WritCoin is similar in some ways to other cryptocurrencies, but it also has its differences, and in fact technically fits into an entirely new category that is not cryptographic (hidden writing), but rather holygraphic (sacred writing, not to be confused with holographic). “It does not partake of the blockchain technology of the world,” he said, “but rather it uses a higher, holier technology known as rockreign. Rock refers to the rock of revelation upon which the Savior built his Church, and reign refers to the eternal reign of the Father and the Son.” He also likened the coming forth of WritCoin to the coming forth of the Church: “Just as inspired reformers of the Protestant Reformation paved the way for the Restoration, inspired creators of cryptocurrency have paved the way for the holygraphic WritCoin.”

Andreasson explained that WritCoin comes with a number of advantages for Church members:

• WritCoin will be the preferred currency for Church members to use for paying tithes and offerings. All transactions involving WritCoin will have 10% automatically deducted and donated to the Church.
• Members who become certified WritCoin tithe and offering payers will receive a small discount and expedited tithing declaration at the end of the year.
• Members who become certified WritCoin tithe and offering payers will be allowed to enter the temple using an express lane, which Andreasson likened to the TSA’s PreCheck at airports.
• Purchases of Church materials will only be possible using WritCoin.
• Church employees will be paid only in WritCoin. Andreasson noted that they are encouraged not to convert it to worldly government-backed currencies, which would clearly be evidence of “trusting in the arm of flesh.”
• Paying employees and contractors (such as construction workers building temples) in various countries using only the single currency of WritCoin will simplify the Church’s finances, in a way Andreasson likened to the same payments given to the laborers in Jesus’s parable of the laborers.
• Any WritCoin transaction that contains a 666 in its amount will have this value automatically converted (at random) to either 665 or 667.
• A Church member who dies while owning WritCoin will have the amount automatically returned to the Church, in exchange for treasures in heaven.

Andreasson also distributed the following messages of endorsement of the Church’s new cryptocurrency:

• Dallin H. Oaks: “Shopping on the Sabbath isn’t breaking the Sabbath if you’re paying with WritCoin!”
• Jeffrey R. Holland: “If you continue to use worldly currencies instead of the Lord’s currency, what kind of a patty-cake taffy-pull experience is that?”
• David A. Bednar: “Conversion of one’s currency holdings to WritCoin is a step on the covenant path.”
• Neil L. Andersen: “WritCoin comes with built-in discounts for large families. Get 12 items for the price of 10 when you use the Lord’s currency!”
• Russell M. Nelson: “Although WritCoin is a permissible shortening, I encourage all to use the full name HolyWritCoin to keep the adversary at bay.”

In a brief question-and-answer session with reporters, Andreasson was asked to compare the Church’s current foray into cryptocurrency with the debacle of the Kirtland Safety Society in the organization’s early days. He refused to answer the question, but before shutting down the press conference, asserted that WritCoin is “beyond the reach of the SEC.”