The Church recently released a statement about a cyberattack they had suffered this last March (they waited this long to say something at the request of federal law enforcement). It sounds like the attackers made off with information on some Church members like name, membership number, and preferred language. But this got me to wondering about what other data I’d like to see if the Church is keeping it on me. I remember from the movie “The Mountain of the Lord” how Wilford Woodruff said it was important that we be “a record-keeping people,” so I have no doubt there are many records being kept that are far more interesting than my preferred language. Here are some examples of what I’d like to see:
Attendance
- The fraction of Sundays I’ve been in church, and whether this has varied by whether it’s football season or not.
- The fraction of Sundays I’ve been in church where I’ve maybe attended what one of my sisters calls “the church of the hallway” during second/third hours.
- My on-time performance for sacrament meeting, and whether it varied by my ward’s meeting time slot. (I assume I’ve done worse with 9am, for example, versus 11am, but I’m actually not sure. Maybe later starting times just lead me to be more lackadaisical.)
- The fraction of stake conferences I’ve attended.
- How many different church buildings I’ve attended church at regularly.
- How many church buildings I’ve attended church at at least once.
- How much church buildings I’ve played basketball or volleyball in, without ever attending church meetings there.
Serving in the church
- Which calling I served in longest.
- Which calling I served in shortest.
- Which callings I asked to be released from.
- Which callings I left only under duress.
- The callings local leaders considered me for, even for a moment, that made them doubt their inspiration the most (elders quorum president? early morning seminary teacher?).
- The callings I served in where my service generated the most complaints from my fellow ward members.
- How many chairs I’ve put away after church activities. (I’m sure people have been impressed!)
- How many times I’ve cleaned the church.
Participation in church meetings
- How many talks I’ve given in sacrament meeting. Which ones were best and worst received. (I’m assuming that more plugged in ward members are routinely surveyed and asked to rate talks so such data can be recorded.)
- How many comments I’ve made in Sunday School and elders quorum. Which ones made my fellow class members want to leave. Which ones made my fellow class members want me to leave.
- How many lessons I’ve taught. Which ones were most in line with Correlation. Which ones were least in line with Correlation. Which ones came totally out of left field.
Full-time missionary
- How many miles I walked.
- How many miles I biked.
- How many doors I knocked.
- The fraction of doors I knocked where:
- Nobody was home.
- Someone was home, but they pretended not to be.
- Someone opened the door.
- Someone condemned us to hell.
- Someone let us in.
- Someone let us teach a discussion.
- Someone we met ended up attending church at least once.
- I’d also like to see this information compared with norms for my mission (both at the time, and historically, before and since), for nearby missions, and for all missions.
From the Strengthening Church Members Committee
- The blog post I’ve written that gave them the most hope that I could be saved in orthodoxy.
- The blog post I’ve written that made them most think I was a bot.
- The blog post I’ve written that made them most sure I should be excommunicated (or whatever it’s called now–membership adjusted?)
- Whether they’ve connected my blog name with my real name.
What data do you suspect the Church is collecting on you that you’d like to see?
How firmly, leaving no room for question (on a scale of “ah, ‘no’ doesn’t really mean ‘no’, here” to “wow, she’s mean – her soul has already been claimed by Outer Darkness”), did she tell the missionaries (both full-time and ward) to not show up at her home without an appointment ever again?
How far did she fall from grace? (On a potential success rubric of temple attendance, tithing, callings, attendance, visiting teaching, etc, how promising was her score to be forever devout before her shelf appears to have broken?)
How many times did she pray about her concerns? Did she really have an open heart?
How many conference issues of the Ensign did she read cover to cover? Did she ever let her subscriptions to the Church magazines lapse?
How many pictures of the temple and of Christ are/were in her home. Before? Now?
How many questionable blogs does she follow? Which ones?
How many Book of Mormons did she give away with her testimony written in the front cover?
How many Girls Camps did she attend and to what fraction of these did she bring a nonmember friend?
What was the ratio of returned missionaries/member/nonmember men did she date before her marriage?
How many R rated movies? PG-13? PG?
How frequently does she indulge in herbal tea? At what age did this habit start?
How many fast Sundays did she fast for a full, timed, 24 hours versus for “two meals”?
How often did she infrequently consume meat? What fraction of these times were during times of famine or cold weather?
By the way, it’s membership adjustment now?? I had no idea.
Sorry. My comment feels a little more bitter than I intended and not as lighthearted and fun as the post. You can delete it (I already timed out of my editing allowance).
Love your post, though. 🙂
Great list, K. Jayne! I especially love the idea of measuring how often you infrequently consume meat. Oh, and “membership adjustment” is just a euphemism I came up with. I know that disciplinary councils were renamed, but I don’t recall exactly what to, and I guess I enjoyed riffing on the idea of change without actually looking up what it is. 🙂
Oh, sorry, I didn’t see your second comment. No worries about some bitterness. I totally get that too!
Okay, so, like, I’m an insider and stuff. And I realize that you’re being somewhat tongue-in-cheek, but I’m here to tell that they have it all…every bit. Now, some of it is rounded off, like the number of chairs is figured to the nearest 10, but most of it is accurate to the decimal point. And it can be brutal. And although most of your talks went over okay, that one thing you said that one time is still talked about at church HQ’s. And they have stuff that you wouldn’t even know, like the number of times you were condemned to hell after the people had slammed the door in your face.
The one thing they don’t have is anything you or anyone else has ever written in a blog. I mean, why should they? Nobody ever writes anything controversial in blogs so they figure it’s not worth their time.
I knew it! Thanks for confirming, larryco_! (And especially that the blogs are safe!)
I’d like to know where I rank on the potential GA list, at least where I was before the shelf was obliterated. I’d also like to know what affected my rank: past callings, faithful attendance, take home pay, tithing paid, faithfulness of family members, etc.
Ooh, that’s a great one, AM! I would also love to know the factors that go into that calculation. Also, like you, I suspect that while I started out with a couple of pluses (male, white), I’ve definitely dropped from maybe number 2 million in line to probably at least 6 million.
I’m kind of the opposite of AM, I’d like to see what’s in my asterisk* file. Shouldn’t be that hard.
*Asterisk files show hidden information attached to your membership record, presumably only accessible by your bishop. Assuming the church’s membership programs and IT folks have done their jobs correctly. Also presumably, it likely has the deets of any church discipline, SCMC reports, or if you’re known to be LBGTQ, or other anomalies in your record. Like a rap sheet of sin.
If any of the presumable facts above are wrong, please share your correction.
I’d definitely like to know that for myself too, MDearest!