Like I said in my review a few weeks ago, I really appreciated Erich W. Kopischke’s talk “Addressing Mental Health” this last General Conference. The motivator for him to give the talk was that his son who went on a mission suffered from anxiety, depression, panic attacks, and suicidality, and as a result, returned home after being out for four weeks. Elder Kopischke talked about the need for people who are supporting their loved ones who are facing mental health issues to learn more and to judge less:
Learning will lead to more understanding, more acceptance, more compassion, more love. It can lessen tragedy while helping us develop and manage healthy expectations and healthy interactions.
What struck me, though, thinking about his message was how many other messages in that very Conference were probably contributing to people’s mental health struggles. I realize it’s way beyond what one talk could accomplish, but there is so much preaching of perfectionism and black-and-white thinking that really needs to be toned down if GAs want to be serious about helping improve members’ mental health.
Here’s a list of some of the bits of Conference that I thought were possibly harmful to mental health. Of course, I’m no mental health expert. I’m just a run-of-the-mill neurotic Mormon, prone to depression and anxiety, so those are the types of issues I’ll focus most on. Also, note that I’m doing my church experience on the easiest setting, as a straight, white, married, cisgender man. There are plenty of messages in a typical Conference that are hard on single people, or LGBT people, or childless people, that really don’t strike me because I’m not their target. So what I’m struck by is probably a lower bound estimate for the total number of potentially harmful messages.
- Jeffrey R. Holland reminded us that we need to be “all in” in the Church:
All who speak in this general conference will all be saying, one way or another, what Christ said to this rich young man: “Come unto your Savior. Come completely and wholeheartedly. Take up your cross, however heavy it may be, and follow Him.” They will say this knowing that in the kingdom of God, there can be no halfway measures, no starting and stopping, no turning back.
There can be no starting and stopping? This is an incredibly discouraging message, particularly for someone who’s suffering from mental health issues. I think it’s also obviously false, but I expect that especially a person who’s depressed won’t have the feeling that they can even push back on obviously false ideas.
- Moisés Villanueva scolded listeners for not feeling gratitude even when we’re suffering.
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My dear brothers and sisters, how do we react to our afflictions? Do we murmur before the Lord because of them? Or, like Nephi and my former missionary friend, do we feel thankful in word, thought, and deed because we are more focused on our blessings than on our problems?
I don’t find this a helpful approach for anyone, but think of how this might strike someone who’s depressed. Now they not only feel depressed, they feel guilty for feeling depressed.
- Gary E. Stevenson told a story about a man named Jens who one day had a strong feeling he needed to go to the store to get a replacement light bulb. While on the way, he was the only witness to a toddler falling into a pond, and he was able to save the boy’s life. I have only a passing familiarity with OCD and scrupulosity, but imagine how this story strikes a person suffering from them. Now they have to worry that their every obsessive thought is a warning from God! Or how about a new mother who has post-partum depression exacerbated by sleep deprivation? If she follows the message of this story, she has to consider that every time she worries that her baby has stopped breathing in their crib, it might be the Holy Ghost warning her!
- Michael A. Dunn gave a talk titled “One Percent Better” that was in some ways encouraging, as he focused on the importance of making small improvements. He mixed the message with the discouraging idea, though, that we need to make such improvements over and over and over. For example, he quotes a writer who says,
If you can get just one percent better at something each day, by the end of a year … you will be 37 times better.
This type of thing very much undermines his message of small improvements. It’s horribly unrealistic to expect to be able to make improvements that often or that consistently. Talking about being 37 times better at something in a year makes it clear that he’s still pushing impossible perfectionism, but just one step at a time rather than all at once.
- Sean Douglas told a story about his granddaughter who was born with some medical issues and has been through many surgeries. He said of her,
Though she is still very young, she is a powerful example of not letting her circumstances determine her happiness. She is always happy.
This is an awful norm to set for anyone, but especially for depressed people. He’s piling the added burden on them of wondering whey they aren’t righteous enough to be “always happy” when this little girl is able to even in the face of all her surgeries.
- Bradley R. Wilcox, in an otherwise good talk with the excellent title “Worthiness Is Not Flawlessness,” four times used the opening line “some mistakenly receive the message that . . . ” in talking about discouraging ideas people learn like that they need to be perfect to be worthy. This carefully evasive wording pushes blame for the messages onto listeners rather than more reasonably attributing it to Church teachings. Depressed listeners will have one more reason to hate themselves when they figure that it was their choice to conclude that they were hopelessly wicked, rather than something that Church leaders actually taught.
- Neil L. Andersen praised Russell M. Nelson’s decision to push use of the full name of the Church. He talked about the “miracles” of the URLs the Church wanted to buy suddenly becoming available when they did. For suffering people, he portrays a petty God who’s in the thick of thin things, wasting his miracles on these trivial issues rather than on relieving people’s pain.
A totally fair response to my list of bad messages–even assuming you agree with me that they’re all bad–is to wonder why I’m not making a list of all the good messages. Didn’t I notice Ulisses Soares talking about compassion, and Dale G. Renlund about unity without giving up our uniqueness, and Sharon Eubank about LDS Charities doing good for refugees, even of other religious faiths? I’m sure you’re familiar with the truism that messages at church should “comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.” I do appreciate the encouraging messages from Conference. I’m just wondering about what the ratio of comforting to afflicting messages should be.
You’re likely also familiar with the idea from the Gottman Institute that in a happy marriage, there are (at least) five positive interactions for each negative one. I feel like Conference has, at best, a roughly one-to-one ratio of encouraging messages to punishing ones (and frequently the ratio is far lower than one). As a neurotic person, and trying to put myself in the shoes of others suffering from more difficult mental health issues, I wonder if it might not be better to push this ratio higher, maybe all the way to the five-to-one target for marriage, but even just a little higher than it currently is. I realize that this is a complicated issue, though, as GAs naturally worry that they’re already reaching the wrong audiences, as people who need to hear the more comforting messages are probably more attuned to the afflicting ones, while people who need to hear the more afflicting messages are probably more attuned to the comforting ones.
Really, as a first step, I would be happy if Conference speakers even took a little time to consider the possible effect of their words on depressed people, or people with scrupulosity, for example. Elder Stevenson’s story about the man prompted to get the light bulb, for example, would not have passed such a check. I heard a theory, I think from one of my sisters, that GAs differ from the general population of the Church in that they’re less prone to mental health issues, or even to self-doubt or problems like imposter syndrome. This is a selection effect: you don’t rise to their level in a big organization while suffering from major depression, for example. (Elder Holland seems like a notable exception, given talks he’s given like this one, which of course only makes it feel more brutal when he’s the one taking harsh, black-and-white positions.) Anyway, this makes them have a hard time on the whole empathizing with those of us who do have mental health struggles. Recall that it took Elder Kopischke’s son’s experience for him (Elder Kopischke) to be awakened to how common and difficult such issues can be. It would be great if GAs and other Church leaders would recognize this gap in their understanding. They could maybe get a panel of people who have suffered from mental health issues to read drafts of their talks and give feedback on parts that might be needlessly adding to people’s burdens and could possibly be softened. I realize such a thing is unlikely to happen, though, because it would puncture their aura of effective infallibility.
What do you think? I’m especially interested in hearing if you or someone close to you suffers from mental health issues, and if so, if there are types of messages in Conference that you find particularly difficult or particularly uplifting. Do you disagree with part or all of my list for this last Conference?
I really appreciate this post. I was especially hit by the happiness example (Elder Douglas) that you cited. Stories, like the one given, are meant to help people who don’t suffer from depression but just get down about their struggles. I suffer from depression and would describe it as just not being able to feel or know happiness. In me, it also manifests as my emotions not matching my circumstances. I can’t choose to be happy. I want to, but sometimes I just can’t. Why wouldn’t I choose to be happy all the time, then? The choice I can make is that I can fake happiness and pretend that everything is good when it’s not. That’s not healthy. It seems to be the route I take, especially at church, because we’re all supposed to be happy because we’re living the commandments….I digress. Thanks again for the post!
Thanks, rastlefo! I’m glad you liked the post. I’m really sorry about your depression, though. I’ve wondered the same thing at times I’ve been depressed. Why can’t I just be happy?
An answer to Elder Holland’s “no stopping and starting” can be found in Elder Ballard’s (2016) “Life can be like hikers ascending a steep and arduous trail. It is a natural and normal thing to occasionally pause on the path to catch our breath, to recalculate our bearings, and to reconsider our pace. Not everyone needs to pause on the path, but there is nothing wrong with doing so when your circumstances require.”
I’m prone to depression, and as a perfectionist teen and young adult I heavily internalized this sort of GC rhetoric, fearful of disappointing a God I adored. I’m glad my understanding of God and Grace have evolved since then. I have close family who are at times nearly crippled by the temptation to read every emotional twinge as revelation, and that can be both crippling to personal life and relationships, so stories like the light bulb one being offered absent some tempering qualification make me cringe.
I was once part of a focus group of women from my area who met w/a member of the GRS presidency and members of the GRS board. We all had a few minutes to introduce ourselves and say a bit about our faith and relationship w/the church. What surprised me was that almost every woman there introduced herself via heartbreak . The amount of horror the women in that room had collectively endured—some at the hands of church leaders—was harrowing. Chieko Okazaki actually looked tired, albeit not surprised. The leaders were empathetic, and kind, and they wept with us and prayed. My point? The RS leaders probably see this all the time. I doubt the GAs do. They need to. I’m betting people try hard to project the image of what they’re told they should be—good enough for Jesus, when faced w/the men who are supposed to represent him. (This is a problem w/our wider misrepresentation of grace, wince). How do we meet the gap between representation and reality? How come leaders believe aping an expectation will create reality? Pffft. Do they even see the gap? I don’t know. I just know the GRS leaders weren’t surprised. But they had no real power. And maybe that’s why everyone willingly let down their guard.
*(I could be completely wrong about the relationship between emotional honesty and power in Mormonism. Maybe people don’t put on a brave face for GAs.)
I too have a history of mental health difficulties and I saw these very talks you mention and quote as great tools of help and motivation.
Whilst mental health should be more on the agenda I can’t help but feel that over sensitivity and an expectation to not use language that is motivational or helpful to many is unfortunate on many levels.
If I was ever to give a talk I doubt I would be able to hit the mark with everyone present, I would try and not offend, I would try not to alienate or marginalise the congregation but always there will be some who will feel this way despite my best efforts.
First and foremost mental well being is the responsibility of the individual to find ways to cope, not very general authorities to dilute their talks for fear that some of their words “may” not help.
Thanks for your comments! Other Chad, that’s great that there’s also an encouraging response comment from a GA. I seriously do think it’s good. But like I said in the post, I’m not a fan of how many punishing statements there are compared to how many encouraging ones there are.
Janet, thanks for sharing that! I’m encouraged that the GRS folks are getting genuine input like that from ordinary members! I suspect you’re right, though, that GAs aren’t seeking or getting similar feedback.
Edward, I’m glad you say that such messages are encouraging to you. It’s good they work for someone. They don’t work for a lot of people, though, and your dismissive approach (for example, putting scare quotes on “may”) isn’t helpful. I wonder if even you, a fan of tough love, might not actually find more encouraging messages helpful if you experienced them.
Thank you for calling out the self-selection and self-perpetuation of certain types of personalities in Church leadership. That trend creates significant pastoral blind spots.
As someone prone to scrupulosity, I’ve driven myself crazy trying to follow every rule, scrutinizing every reason why my life might fall short of LDS ideals. Anymore, I just realize (for various reasons) that I cannot meet those expectations, and I have a hard time believing that the Church really does want people around like that (who aren’t excusably disabled, physically or intellectually).
“Now they not only feel depressed, they feel guilty for feeling depressed.”
That is one of my strongest memories from my oldest child’s early days. I had a healthy baby, on our planned timeline, with a good marriage and secure finances. What a horrible person I must be for being unhappy.
Chad, thank you for the hiking analogy. It really resonates with me.
Understandably, hyper, Type A personalities rise in the ranks of Church leadership. I think for them, giving 110% all the time is the norm. And good for them. Sincerely. The world needs folks with this type of energy and drive. But some of us—many of us—feel like we already giving 110% just to keep our heads above water. And no matter how much Type As try to empathize, there will always be a bit of, “If I’m doing it, why can’t you.” And imagine being in a church counsel filed with Type A personalities and the pressure to not show a chink in the armor by suggesting that leaders may be asking too much of some members when they advocate procrustean standards of performance not related to doctrinal norms.
It might be good to seek the input from folks with wife and kids who are not professional or academic “superstars,” but who are just trying to make a living and keep it together enough to avoid a mental or financial breakdown.
I recall a high-level church leader who wanted the Stake to put on a weekly Sunday Fireside with each Ward hosting it once a month. He said he knew his family liked nothing more than attending a good, spiritual Fireside on Sunday Evening. Good for his family (again, I mean that sincerely), but others in the room just looked dismayed. Not only at the thought of one more Sunday meeting, but also at the thought of organizing and hosting a fireside once a month. I praise the Stake President who said he wanted to consider whether the costs of taking the family away from their home every Sunday evening outweighed the benefits of the family being at home and together on Sunday evening. We didn’t hear about it again.
And, as a professional who daily deals with consumer financial troubles, I was surprised to hear the story about the couple who sold their home to go to the Temple. I understand the virtue of sacrifice, but this is not “Prudent Living.”
As already mentioned, the pressure to feel a certain way creates its own dismay when we don’t have those feelings. Like HokieKate, I had a period in my life when everything was objectively wonderful and I was struggling emotionally. The guilt about not feeling happy when I had everything added to the emotional struggle.
I made a similar comment on Wheat & Tares recently, but I’ll share part of it here because it relates to how the pressure to feel a certain way can backfire. After I decided to quit attending my ward, I attended four other Christian churches over the course of a year, looking for a spiritual place to land. The sermons were very different in tone, though I couldn’t identify anything that was false doctrine. The other pastors taught about Christ. What was so different? After months, I identified the difference. No one talked about feelings. None of the pastors told me to be grateful, or peaceful, or happy, or anything. They just talked about Christ.
Here’s the most radically different sermon I heard: a visiting minister had 30 minutes to speak. For the first 15 minutes, he talked about how we know ourselves best. We know our limits. We know where we find joy and fulfillment. We know how much stress we can handle. I was mystified by this topic. The last 15 minutes, he talked about a service opportunity. He was trying to find people to help with a particular service mission, and he spoke about exactly what it required and its goals and what a volunteer might need to do. He finished by acknowledging that people have different capacities to serve at different times of their lives. There was not one mention about how we should feel joy while serving, or that we should rely on the Lord to increase our capacity to serve, or that the Lord himself was calling us to his service and we were turning down the Lord if we didn’t sign up. You would NEVER hear something like that in the LDS church, though at least I haven’t heard that turning down a calling is turning down the Lord recently.
Telling people how to feel happens more often in the LDS Church than in other churches, is what I’ve concluded. It’s well-meant. A church leader realizes his wife is happy, and she follows all the commandments and devotes herself to her family. The church leader wants everyone to be happy, so he counsels all other women to do what his wife does. He doesn’t take into account differing personalities and differing situations. So despite the good intentions, if someone is already struggling with depressions, telling them how to feel increases the guilt rather than lifting their spirits.
One of the problems with our church “education” is that when we read the scriptures (the 410 year old KJV no less) we are not encouraged to read Bible commentaries written by trained scholars who are well versed in not only the Greek that the New Testament was written in but also the most recently discovered copies of the Greek NT. The KJV uses archaic language that was nearly 100 years old when they translated the Bible because they liked the sound of Wycliffe and Tyndale’s prose. People got mixed up about the meaning of various verses even back then!
The biggest offender and the verse that has caused more grief in our church is the NT verse that says “Be ye therefore perfect.” To our modern minds “perfect” means without mistake or blemish. But that is not what the Greek word meant at all. It means for a thing or person to fulfill the measure of its creation. The Titanic was built to be unsinkable. It sunk on its maiden voyage. It didn’t fulfill the measure of its creation so it wasn’t perfect. If we do our best with the knowledge we have and in the circumstances we find ourselves using the personal traits and gifts that God blesses us with to make the world a better place then we are fulfilling the measure of our creation. That’s completely different from trying to never ever make a mistake.
In one of Paul’s sermons he describes various righteous men such as Abraham and Moses and calls them perfect. Of course these men made plenty of mistakes, some of them huge mistakes. And yet they were called “perfect” because they fulfilled the purpose for which they came to earth. Can you imagine the relief church members would feel if they understood the TRUE Biblical meaning of “perfect”? Hope would spring up where despair and self-loathing have held members back and destroyed their lives for far, far too long. I speak from experience because I am a recovering perfectionist. I was raised by a mother who completely and totally bought into the “Be ye therefore perfect.” teachings of the church and understood them to mean that this meant that God looked down on us whenever we made mistakes. That was how she was raised in the church too. I thought that this was perfectly normal until my beloved mentor who isn’t a Mormon but is a very spiritual person informed me that this kind of perfection was NOT pleasing to God and took the time to help me overcome it. When I shared this news with my sibs they were both shocked and thrilled. Unfortunately, my mother couldn’t accept this concept even when I showed her the original Greek and it’s translation. The church’s incorrect teachings about perfection were too ingrained in her. She still doesn’t feel that she is worthy of God’s love because she is imperfect. President Nelson’s teachings about God’s conditional love don’t help the matter either. He probably has never read a Biblical commentary written by someone not of our faith either and therefore is perpetuating a belief that causes so much unnecessary pain and anguish in church members. What a shame.
Ziff – My comments aren’t dismissive and my use of speech marks on “may” is reflective of the “might” used in your headline. Plenty of General Conference talks don’t work for a lot of people, but it doesn’t mean they should not be delivered.
The church has lots more to do where mental health is concerned, I agree, but to bring out quotes from a handful of talks and say they “might not be helpful” I think can be over sensitive and just as damaging to ones spirituality as the potential lack of potentially helpful quotes on the matter of mental health
Thanks, everyone, for your comments.
MH, I’m sorry you suffer from scrupulosity. I can’t imagine how difficult the Church is for you.
HokieKate, yes! It’s so difficult to not only be depressed, but to get that extra layer of guilt on top!
Hogarth, I couldn’t agree more with this: “It might be good to seek the input from folks with wife and kids who are not professional or academic “superstars,” but who are just trying to make a living and keep it together enough to avoid a mental or financial breakdown.”
Melinda, that’s a fascinating and telling difference! Thanks for sharing it.
Poor Wayfaring Stranger, that’s a great point about our misunderstanding of “perfect.”
Edward, thanks for clarifying that I was obviously too soft in my language in the post. These teachings are harmful. I’m glad that they work for you, but it seems clear that you’re not actually that concerned with the Church doing better on mental health.
Elder Holland saying “there’s no going back” contradicts HIS OWN talk about how sometimes God lets us wander down the wrong path for a while and then we have to turn back around and go back. Did he just… forget this???
Ziff. I am concerned about the church doing better where mental health is concerned. I just disagree that a general authority with all of their human frailties has to align his talk with some who might feel it is unhelpful to their mental well being.
Of course they need to be sensitive but to navigate your content around views, feelings, complexities and sensitivities of all the millions of people tuning in is almost impossible to deliver.
I disagree that it’s “almost impossible to deliver” the gospel in such a way that it improves the health of struggling members. Christ did it quite well. When Elder Holland cites the Savior’s call, he missed that Christ asks for our *broken* hearts, and will share the burden through the messiness of recovery, and bring us healing, according to our primary source. One could cut Holland some slack though, due to his advanced age.
Elder Villanueva, in emphasizing setting an example could also emphasize that setting an example isn’t the main point of following Christ, so don’t prioritize it over more pressing crises if you have them.
Dunn’s 37 percent appeals only to accountants and works only for robots. Sorry, but that one’s just too toxic for messed-up humans. Points for good intentions.
I bet Sean Douglas wasn’t present when his granddaughter was feeling something other than happy, because I guarantee she isn’t “always happy.” Perhaps avoiding qualifiers like ‘always’ and ‘never’ would make room for other human emotions that need our attention if we are to have good mental health.
I think it’s quite possible to raise the standard of these important addresses to include, at the very least, not causing more harm to folks with mental health issues, if not providing the best balm that people in crisis need. Our leaders ought to be able to do that much. Elder K. gave good advice when he suggested that we learn more about it.
MDearest. You miss my point by saying that Christ did deliver the gospel in such a way to not hurt others, by using the perfect example (Christ) toward imperfect people delivering the gospel.
Also His perfect delivery of the gospel caused many to walk away because they found His teachings hard. Doesn’t mean His delivery or message was wrong.
MDearest, great points. I think some people might find it invigorating to be smacked repeatedly by Conference speakers, but I think there’s definitely a way to deliver messages with more kindness and compassion.
Joni, exactly! I feel like Elder Holland is so hit or miss. One moment he’s compassionate, the next, he’s a harsh hard-liner!
Ziff, clearly the invigorating comment is directed at me. You are missing what I’m saying completely.
I guess in some paradoxical way your misinterpretation of my comments might not be helpful to my mental health.
I don’t want to hijack the section here so I’m happy to be contacted directly to expand our thoughts further for clarification and understanding.
De-lurking for this, Ziff, great post.
I love what Poor Wayfaring Stranger shared about perfect really meaning “fulfilling the measure of its creation.” It reminds me of something I learned about The Lord of the Rings a few years ago that resonated with me so much I’ve referenced the concept in talks. (I figure if Neal A. Maxwell could quote Gandalf in GC I could get away with my own Tolkien reference.)
LOTR fans had been arguing for decades over whether or not Frodo was a failure because he wasn’t able to destroy the ring. Eventually some letters of Tolkien were discovered where he explained that from his perspective as the creator, Frodo was successful, because the test wasn’t whether or not he could destroy the ring, the test was whether he could show compassion to Gollum. As a nerd at heart, I love this idea. What I think it means to be successful may not be what my Father, my Creator, thinks is my success, my “filling the measure of my creation.” Being kind is more important than checking boxes off the list.
And maybe it’s only because it’s late and I’m tired, but lately I’ve been feeling annoyed at a pattern showing up in the bloggernacle, where a new commenter comes in to disagree, and disagree again, and disagree again and take over the comment section. Seriously people, if you’re new here, after you’ve said your piece read the room and listen to what others are saying.
PWS is absolutely correct in our misunderstanding of the Greek usage of “perfect”, which is footnoted in the LDS KJV, Matt. 5:48b. If people would gain a revised understanding of perfection as being “complete, finished, fully-developed”, it would ease some of the burden. BUT, there is still a problem, in my mind, with the basic premise of the verse that I’ve never heard addressed before. And I think, with a little help from the concluding part of the Book of Mormon, we can address that also.
So, here’s what I see as a big problem with Matt. 5:48: the way it is written, it pits us in a mono-a-mono comparison with none other than Heavenly Father Himself! You’ve got to be kidding me. Me & Him? There are all kinds of people that I know in this world that I would shrink from being compared to, let alone looking to go up against deity. But there it is; in this corner is Be Ye (i.e. me) and in the other corner is Heavenly Father. The goal is perfection, He already has it and I am supposed to attain it by being like Him.
But in Book of Mormon, this goal becomes much more possible because it introduces a new character, Jesus Christ; and, glory be, He is in my corner! In Moroni 10:32-33 we get a whole new twist, a laid-out path, and a simple set of rules: “come unto Christ, and be perfected IN HIM”. Wow, suddenly I feel a sharing of this seemingly unattainable goal with someone who has actually pulled off this perfection gig. But what are the requirements that will allow me to be perfected in Christ. There must be a zillion of them. Just two? Really? Yep, 1) stay away from ungodliness and 2) love God. Now, don’t overthink the deny ungodliness part. The world is full of goodness and ickiness; just stay close to the good part and away from the icky part. The Holy Ghost will help. Just do those two things (and the Church would add, do a few ordinances also) and you’re in like Flint.
Here’s basically how the BOM ends: “Yea, come unto Christ, and be perfected in him, and deny yourselves of all ungodliness; and if ye shall deny yourselves of all ungodliness, and love God with all your might, mind and strength, then is his grace sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ; and if by the grace of God ye are perfect in Christ, ye can in nowise deny the power of God. And again, if ye by the grace of God are perfect in Christ, and deny not his power, then are ye sanctified in Christ by the grace of God, through the shedding of the blood of Christ, which is in the covenant of the Father unto the remission of your sins, that ye become holy, without spot.”
Grace is seriously cool stuff. We need to talk about it more in Mormondom.
Thanks Ziff, this is an excellent post. I’ve been reading your blog for a while and have always enjoyed your writing and perspectives, but never commented until now.
Totally agree that more compassion and empathy from church leaders would be helpful for members. I was a fully active member of the church my entire life up until turning 50: mission, callings (visiting teacher, RS teacher and RS president at one point), faithful tithing payer, TR holder – the whole works. But life events (to include depression and just the really sad and hard things that can happen) coupled with what seems to be largely tone-deaf, self-congratulatory messages from the GAs (with the exception of Elder Uchdorf, who I really appreciate) for so long – especially since RMN became the prophet – kind of did it for me.
I will never stop trying to follow the teachings of the Savior because I am a better person when I do so. But since I have stopped attending church, I no longer have the awful burden with feeling like a failure because I cannot always feel better about things. I just could not live any longer constantly feeling like I was never measuring up and therefore not worthy (whatever that means) for blessings.
I appreciate PWS’s explanation of perfect. It really feels right to me.
Margot, thanks for de-lurking! I’m glad you liked the post! I really like your comparison of what’s important in our lives to the thing Frodo most needed to learn in LOTR.
larryco_, nice expansion on the discussion of “perfect” and the point about grace!
Freckles, thanks for de-lurking to comment! I really appreciate hearing that you’ve enjoyed my blogging. It’s so nice to get positive feedback. I get where you’re coming from with finding the Church more difficult since RMN took over the top spot. “Tone-deaf self-congratulatory messages” is such a great description.
Edward/Ziff – As someone who also has had depression and has found that conference talks make things worse, I think there is a way to balance talks between those with mental health challenges and those who find the talks helpful, and that is to use more precise language. Saying “you can choose to be happy” will genuinely help some people, but saying instead “you can choose to have a good attitude and make the most out of your life in spite of difficult circumstances” will help those same people without promoting harmful ideas. Likewise, instead of saying “you can’t have both faith and fear” they can encourage having faith in spite of fear. And instead of saying “anger is of the devil” they can focus on preventing anger from controlling us rather than trying to suppress the emotion. Saying it this way might not sound as Instagram-worthy, but it’s always better to choose nuance over quotability. So maybe “general conference” ought to become “specific conference” instead.
Thank you Kamron. Good words my friend.
Margot. Surely one of the key points of having a blog with a comments section is to have an opportunity to agree and to disagree. I’m not doing it for the sake of it, but sharing my genuine feelings.
Thanks Ziff, appreciate all your points and this is something I will be conscious of more.
Thanks for drawing this discussion out, Ziff. Good work. Can’t say I entirely disagree with most of the comments here, even though some are in opposition to one another. It helps us all think through these issues.
Ziff, not relevant to this post, but if my experience is anything to go by, all the comments on your most recent post are stuck in moderation.