Some of my sisters visited me over the holidays, and together we came up with a list of goofy Church policy pronouncements that we’d like to hear this year.
Twinkies are permitted for use in the sacrament (see D&C 27:2), but 
only if it is preceded by a disclaimer that their use does not imply any endorsement of the Church or its priesthood by the Hostess Corporation.
The Church wishes to state clearly so there can be no confusion that it has no connection with the dating app Moroni’s Bosom.
On the topic of Moroni’s bosom, the Church also decries so-called “new translations” of Joseph Smith History that include lines such as “Behold, the angel did scold me and did remind me that ‘Mine eyes are up here.'”
The Church strongly discourages members’ attempts to join the so-called “mile high temple recommend interview club.”
Church members are reminded that the beloved hymn-writer of the Restoration is W. W. Phelps, not W. W. W. Phelps. Any hymns retrieved from the apostate website www.phelps.edu, such as “Now We’ll Sing with One Civic” and “Praise to the Flan” are strictly prohibited from use in church meetings.
Although speaking out against profanity is right and good, “Werewolves Not Swearwolves” may not be used as a motto for youth groups or seminary classes.
The Church will not accept tithing or other donations in the following forms: Bitcoin, Dogecoin, liquid gold, liquid helium, Kirtland Safety Society Anti-Bank notes.
Church buildings are supplied with white baptismal clothes in a variety of sizes. It is therefore unnecessary and inappropriate for baptismal candidates to wear rhinestone-studded Elvis Presley costumes.
Hahah, love this!
Kirtland Safety Society Anti-Bank notes made me laugh 🙂
KSS notes are entirely acceptable.
If we’re having twinkies, we gotta have milk.