Now that the Church has upgraded firearms in church buildings from “inappropriate” to “prohibited,” it seems that now is a good time to release this draft list of other items considered for prohibition in church buildings that I’m quite sure my sources said has been floating around the COB.
- Firelegs
- Fire benders
- The bends (anyone suffering from decompression sickness is to be healed or expelled immediately)
- Homemade bombs
- Store-bought bombs
- Molotov cocktails
- Cocktails
- Cocktail dresses
- Assless chaps
- Beer pong tables
- Water tables (flooding is always a risk–stop praying for moisture!)
- Periodic tables
Image is from Wikimedia Commons. - Plutonium
- Einsteinium (Americium is of course permitted. God bless Americium, element that I love!)
- Antimatter
- Howitzers
- ICBMs (inter church ballistic missiles)
- Swords (exceptions will be made for swords carried by angels, but only if they are flaming)
- Light sabers
- Clumsy, random blasters
- Proton torpedoes
- Photon torpedoes
- Regular torpedoes
- Unshielded exhaust ports
- Death stars
- Stars whose shining is not sufficiently bright
Please feel free to suggest other items that you think should be prohibited in church buildings.
Wait, is it the swords or the angels that are supposed to be flaming? I’m sure there’s an open flames policy that would apply in either case. Of course the real risk is that you might be tempted to cook something. Flaming swords/angels are to be used for warming and serving only.
Bibles in versions that can be understood
Swords are allowed if wearing the armor of God!
Smoke(al)arms, flame throwers, Boy Scout uniforms (effective January), merit badge counselors, supersoakers, water balloons, flux capacitors, Princess Leia hair buns, and, above all, the Dread Pirate Roberts.
Prohibited clothing for men:
Short-sleeved “dress” shirts.
Wrinkled dress shirts.
Not wearing belt or suspenders.
Wearing both belt and suspenders.
Ankle socks.
I thought firelegs were like porn shoulders. So disappointed.
Dorcas: what sayest thou this day! Yet it behooveth me that thou art beside thyself, seeing that thou hast verily rejected the only true scripture, yea truly the KJV. Repent!
(I’m totally with you.)
I think Handbook Nazis would take issue with the flaming sword. It violates the no open flame restrictions. I mean everyone is afraid of birthday candles; clearly angels with flaming swords would be barred from entering the church.