Are you ready for four times as much Satan?

President Nelson said in Priesthood Session last night that Satan is quadrupling his efforts against LDS members. But what exactly does this mean? I have some theories.

• In addition to riding on and controlling the waters, Satan now also controls three additional liquids: chocolate milk, mercury, and blood. Missionaries will be prohibited to consume, swim in, or ride in a boat on any of these.
• Satan now leads away four thirds of the host of heaven rather than merely one. This requires him to lead some stubborn host members away more than once. (The fact that he has to do this explains why any host members remained on God’s side at all.)

• In addition to his original three temptations of Christ, Satan is back with nine more! Among them is the temptation for Jesus to binge watch The Good Place and tinker with the story in real time to insert himself as the protagonist. The old temptations have been upgraded too, as Christ is now tempted to turn stones not only into bread, but also into donuts, bagels, and funeral potatoes. Also, he is tempted not only to throw himself off of Solomon’s temple, but also off of Big Ben, the Gevora Hotel in Dubai, and the CN Tower. For all of these jumps, Satan now also suggests that Jesus be taking pictures using a selfie stick.
• In addition to controlling rock music, Satan has now also seized control of disco, waltzes, and polkas. Playing recordings of any of these types of music backward will cause people to fall under Satan’s influence.
• The mark of the beast is upgraded from being placed in two locations on the body (right hand and forehead) to eight locations: both hands, both feet, forehead, back of the neck, left elbow, and right knee. The mark number is now also available not just in one format (666), but four: 666, 999, 666666, and 90210.
• As is well known by now, it is a victory for Satan whenever the LDS Church is referred to as the Mormon Church, or its members are referred to as Mormons. In addition, as part of his quadrupled effort, Satan can now claim a victory whenever members of the LDS Church are referred to as Nephis, Helamans, or Shizheads.
• Previously, Satan was equipped only with fiery darts. Beginning now, he has added the following to his arsenal: poisoned BBs, frozen arrows, and coronal mass ejections.
• The four horsemen of the apocalypse will be upgraded to sixteen, although they will ride different beasts. Four will ride water buffalo, four rhinoceroses, and four moose.
• In addition to his existing control of Ouija boards, Satan has now also taken control of checker boards, chess boards, and cutting boards. People who need to cut things up as part of a cooking or baking process will now just have to leave marks in their counters if they want to avoid the influence of Satan.
• The Godhead of Father, Son, and Holy Ghost will now be outnumbered by the Unholy Quadrinity of Satan the Father, Satan the Daughter, Satan the Uncle, and Satan the Second Cousin Twice Removed.
• Rather than being able to be detected by a simple handshake request, as outlined in D&C 129, agents of Satan can now only be detected using a four-step process involving a handshake, a high five, a fist bump, and a shoulder bump.