Prepentance

ZD is pleased to share the following press release from the Mormon Newsroom. The release is scheduled to be run immediately following General Conference, but it has been leaked to us on an exclusive basis by the Three Nephites.

After President Nelson’s inspired announcement of the Church’s move from a focus on repentance, which looks backward at sins that have already been committed, to a focus on prepentance, which looks forward at sins that have not yet been committed, he has directed that the creation of the following FAQ about prepentance.

Q: How can I know what things to prepent of, if I haven’t committed the sins yet?

A: God will reveal your future sins to you if you have the faith to ask. Consider also that you already know your own weaknesses, and what sins tempt you the most. Have you been considering showing an excess of love toward a gay friend or relative? Have you thought about voting for a Democrat? It is likely that you already know what sins are most likely in your future. Always keep in mind the principle that it is better to prepent for a sin that you never end up committing than to neglect to prepent. When in doubt of whether you will sin, prepent!

Q: How can prepentance even work if I haven’t committed the sins yet?

A: The Savior’s miraculous Atonement was worked out once for all time, in the meridian of time, for all the sins of mankind, both past and future. Your prepentance in the present can have a similar effect on the future, turning you back toward God for things you have not even done yet to turn away from him.

Q: How soon will updated scriptures be available, with repent replaced in every instance with prepent?

A: The updated scriptures will be available online immediately. Print versions will be available before the end of the year. In all church lessons and personal study, please make the change immediately, writing it in where necessary as a temporary solution.

Q: Will there be any other changes to the updated scriptures?

A: The Parable of the Ten Virgins will be expanded to make explicit the point that the five foolish virgins were only repenting, but the five wise virgins were prepenting.

Q: Isn’t prepentance kind of like the Catholic Church’s sale of indulgences that became so controversial in the Middle Ages?

A: No, prepentance is not like the apostate doctrine of indulgence at all. Prepentance is free! (Although, note that if your future sin is to fail to pay adequate tithing, a useful prepentant act would be to pay a little extra tithing now.)

Q: Is there any concern that, having prepented of sins, members of the Church will feel less guilt when they go on to actually commit the sins that they expected to?

A: No. To ensure that this does not happen, the “Come, Follow Me” curriculum will be replaced beginning in 2020 with the “Perfect Knowledge of All Our Guilt” curriculum.

Q: Is there any concern that the idea of worrying about sins not yet committed might cause difficulty for Church members who are prone to anxiety, depression, obsessive thoughts, or compulsive behavior?

A: Such Church members do not need to be babied; what they need is a clear-eyed explanation of how they are falling short. To this end, the Church will be releasing an inspired pamphlet entitled The Gift of Scrupulosity.

Q: Does the Church have any suggestions for explaining the concept of prepentance to children?

A: The best resource available, Sister Nelson’s picture book, which is now entitled The Not Even Zero Times Club, will be available through Deseret Book next week.

1 comment

  1. This was brilliant. Wow. The level of satire is exquisite. All hail, Ziff!

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