Two Is the New Three

In a special press conference, President Russell M. Nelson announced a series of changes in the Church related to the shortening of its Sunday meeting schedule from three hours to two, which had been announced in this last weekend’s General Conference:

• The afterlife now includes only two kingdoms: Celestial and Telestial. “We considered keeping Terrestrial, since it has the benefit of being an actual recognized word,” he explained, “but as I read the description of this kingdom in Doctrine and Covenants 76, it was impressed upon my mind that the Lord’s will is that any so-called ‘honorable men of the earth’ who can’t manage to see through the subtle craftiness of men be grouped with the wicked in the Telestial Kingdom.”
• The triple combination has been renamed the double combination, with the de-canonization of the Pearl of Great Price. President Nelson noted that although the Pearl of Great Price contains “some inspired writings,” it may also be misleading, for example, in that the Articles of Faith purport to summarize the Church’s key beliefs, but make no mention of the importance of heterosexual marriage or of God’s eternal hatred of gay and transgender people.

• The three Nephites are now two. One has been released to go to his reward in heaven. “He wasn’t too happy about it,” President Nelson chuckled, “because he had made a deal with Jesus to remain until the Second Coming, but I’m the presiding authority on the earth now, so it wasn’t his call.”
• All presidencies and bishoprics throughout the Church at all levels are having their second counselors released. President Nelson explained that he had set an example by releasing his own second counselor, Henry B. Eyring, to return to the Quorum of the Twelve. “Hal is a good man,” President Nelson said, “but Dallin is more than enough counselor for me.”
• The three great virtues of faith, hope, and charity will be reduced in Church publications to only faith and hope. “You already know I’m not much for charity,” President Nelson laughed. “Charity may be the pure love of Christ, but as we all know, Christ can be pretty fickle with his love. If you sin even a little, he’s just waiting to pour out his wrath on you! So we don’t want to be emphasizing charity too much.”
• Only two witnesses of the Book of Mormon, who were shown the gold plates by an angel, will be listed in future printings. Martin Harris will be the one dropped. President Nelson explained that he will still be listed, but along with the eight witnesses, who will become nine.
• Finally, in recognition of the Church’s changes, President Nelson announced that he will be commanding suggesting to the Utah Legislature that it drop the permitted alcohol content of beer sold in the state from 3.2% to 2.3%.