Given my remarkable success at predicting things that would happen in April General Conference, I thought I would try my hand again with some more Conference predictions for October.
In a stunning rebuke of the murmurnacle, President Nelson will announce that not only will the three hour block not be shortened to two hours, it will actually be lengthened to four hours. Existing meetings and classes will not be changed in length. The extra hour will be used for a mandatory meeting where all ward members (including primary and nursery-aged children) sit in council and discuss the importance of Defending the Family. Meetinghouses used by three wards will follow the 8-12/10-2/12-4 schedule. Fifth Sundays will be celebrated with a special five-hour block, with each meeting lengthened by 25%.
- There will be numerous references to the Church by its full, complete, and proper name. Many of these will be preceded by “even,” particularly in prayers. For example, “We thank Thee, Lord, for our membership in Thy Church, even The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.”
- Several speakers will illustrate with lovely anecdotes that bishops always have the best interests of children and teens they are interviewing at heart, and would never ask inappropriate questions.
- A group of attendees who are planning to vote opposed during the sustaining of church officers will become confused and instead take a knee. Rather than being seen as rabble-rousers by their fellow attendees, they will instead be seen as holier-than-thou and overly zealous.
- Conference Center security will announce that, although they appreciate the sentiment, attendees should remove their red “Make Mormonism the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints Again” hats while in the building.
- It will be announced that ministering brothers and ministering sisters are being renamed manisters and assistants to the regional manister, respectively.
- Many speakers will share heartwarming ministering success stories. No speakers will share heartrending ministering failure stories.
- Three new temples will be announced: Monrovia, Liberia; Havana, Cuba; and Downtown Draper, Utah. (The existing Draper temple will be renamed the Draper Foothills Temple to distinguish it from the new one.)
- As it will be the first Conference since who knows when that there won’t be a dedicated session for priesthood holders only, chaos will reign. Dogs will marry cats. Gay people will storm the temples and demand to marry their furniture. In the middle of it all, Jesus will return.
What do you expect will be said or done at Conference?
As it will be the first Conference since who knows when that there won’t be a dedicated session for priesthood holders only, chaos will reign. Dogs will marry cats. Gay people will storm the temples and demand to marry their furniture. In the middle of it all, Jesus will return.
More likely, football will be watched.
Oh, that’s an excellent point, Last Lemming. I wonder if the placement of the priesthood session in April means that the GAs prefer football to basketball or baseball.
Welp, looks like it’s time to invest in red “MMTCOJCOLDSA” hats.
Church leaders will announce a new MMO (Massively Missionary Online) video game for Windows, PS4, Xbox, and Nintendo Switch. Players will defend virtual families from threats and be able to have realtime chats with online missionaries. All conference talks that previously decried video games as idleness or violent indulgence will instead suggest that everyone recommend this game to non-members.
Guaranteed, there will be no more statistical report, so no more speculation on “shrinkage”, and how bad it has become.
Bro. Jones, I love it!
Brandt, indeed it is, although there are still a few issues to be worked out. For one, either the font size on the hat has to be quite small, or the hat has to be gigantic. Or rather, huuuuge. But I’m sure your investment will pay off!
Paul, I’m curious to see that too, but I think the statistical report is only given in April.
What is more likely for the fifth hour – Rameumpton-style mutual congratulation or sessions of self-criticism?
RE: football vs basketball.
I would rather watch final four basketball games (routinely conflicting with Spring PH session) than Saturday night college football (routinely conflicting with Fall PH session). Hence I was bummed about the choice for keeping spring and giving up fall. Apparently I’m not in harmony with the brethren on sports spectating.
The passive voice will be used.
Bill, that’s a good question. I suspect we wouldn’t go so far as to actually *install* Rameupmtoms, but beyond that, I don’t know.
B, all I can say is that you should follow the prophet and fall in line with the football fans. 🙂 That being said, wasn’t President Monson famously a big fan of the Jazz? And this change was announced under his presidency. Maybe, though I hate to think it, there were other factors at play.
Joni, ha! That seems a safe bet!
Love your choice of font.
No predictions other than they are assured to look stupid and ignorant. Talks were written one month out so references to hurricanes and tempests only in prayers.