An Agenda for President Nelson’s First 40 Days in Office

Day 1: Demote Dieter F. Uchtdorf to regular old member of the Quorum of the Twelve.
Day 2: Talk to the staff at the Ensign and lds.org, and tell them to get the women out of the centerfold in the Conference issues and off the General Authorities page.
Day 3: Get to work editing hymns. In verse 2 of “In Humility, Our Savior,” change the beginning of the second verse from “Fill our hearts with sweet forgiving; Teach us tolerance and love” to “Make our hearts obedient to thee; Teach us who we must not love.”
Day 4: Schedule a tour to promote Sister Nelson’s book The Not Even Once Club.
Day 5: Compose a letter to be read in all sacrament meetings that exhorts members to leave some positive reviews of The Not Even Once Club on Amazon.com.
Day 6: Work with Sister Nelson on her manuscript tentatively titled The Don’t Even Think About It Club.
Day 7: Announce a new, improved exclusion policy that bans the children of parents in a gay marriage from entering meetinghouses.
Day 8: Demote Dieter F. Uchtdorf to Seventy.
Day 9: Talk to the facilities management staff about getting those pesky “Visitors Welcome” signs taken down from meetinghouses.
Day 10: Send out a decree that all sacrament meetings must include a reading of the Proclamation on the Family.

Day 11: Commission someone from The Interpreter to write a book in response to the the Givens’ namby-pamby The God Who Weeps. Suggested title: The God Who Whips.
Day 12: Edit the Handbook to require the initiation of Church discipline against any newly-married couples who have not produced at least one child in their first two years of marriage. Permit no exceptions, as infertility is clearly a sign of sinfulness.
Day 13: Tell Church historians to search for instances of Conference speakers modifying scriptural language on the fly to make it gender inclusive, and have them stricken from the official record.
Day 14: Commission a team of BYU religion professors to edit all references to women out of the Book of Mormon. For example, replace mentions of Mary with “God’s chosen vessel.”
Day 15: Demote Dieter F. Uchtdorf to Area Authority. Preferably in some godforsaken place like Germany.
Day 16: Some hymns are beyond saving. Announce that the wicked grace-infected hymn “Rock of Ages” must never be sung again.
Day 17: Announce that women will no longer be permitted to pray in General Conference.
Day 18: Send out a decree that all sacrament meetings must begin with a reading of the Proclamation on the Family.
Day 19: Ban the singing of “Deck the Halls” in meetinghouses.
Day 20: Rest. Practice pronouncing “evolution” as “EVIL-ution.”
Day 21: Talk to the staff at the Conference Center about getting the pictures of women taken down.
Day 22: Announce an updated missionary age change. Women must achieve the age of Methuselah (969 years) to be permitted to serve.
Day 23: Announce an even more improved exclusion policy that forbids all immediate family members of a person in a gay marriage from being members of the Church. Permit no grandfathering: members must be retroactively excommunicated as necessary. If they had enough faith, they would have stopped their family member from getting gay married.
Day 24: Ban women from being employed by the Church. Too many righteous priesthood holders are having difficulty finding jobs, and their places should not be taken by mere ornaments!
Day 25: Ban women in the church from being employed at all, on pain of Church discipline. Accept no excuses. If they had sufficient faith, their finances would be blessed so they would not need to be employed. If the single women had sufficient faith, God would permit them to find a righteous priesthood holder with a job.
Day 26: Demote Dieter F. Uchtdorf to bishop.
Day 27: Some children’s songs might need to go too. Ban the use of “I’ll Walk with You,” and its insidiously tempting message of inclusion.
Day 28: On second thought, commission a replacement song titled, “I’ll Walk away from You.”
Day 29: Announce that women will no longer be permitted to speak in General Conference. The Chieko Okazaki disaster must not be repeated.
Day 30: Work with Sister Nelson on an even newer manuscript tentatively titled Club Members in the Hands of an Angry God.
Day 31: Send out a decree that all sacrament meetings must begin by having the congregation rise and recite the Proclamation on the Family in unison. Announce that all members are expected to have it memorized in one month.
Day 32: Demote Dieter F. Uchtdorf to elder.
Day 33: Announce that women will no longer be invited to General Conference at all. Too many priesthood holders are missing the opportunity to hear from God’s chosen servants in person.
Day 34: Announce that women may still participate in Conference through the holy ordinance of making Conference donuts for the men.
Day 35: Since there’s already a precedent for editing its words, change the penultimate line of the first verse of “I Am a Child of God” to say “teach me all who I must shun.”
Day 36: Announce that from henceforth, only men will be called “members of the Church.” Women, if they are righteous, may be called “auxiliary members.”
Day 37: Encourage members to have the Proclamation on the Family tattooed over their hearts. (Naturally, auxiliary members must not do this, as the very thought of tattooing on or around a woman’s breasts is unseemly.)
Day 38: Reinstate earthly polygamy.
Day 39: Raise tithing to 12%. Twelve is a holier number than ten anyway.
Day 40: Excommunicate Dieter F. Uchtdorf.