Priesthood Leaders of Good Report

The caricature of the Mormon feminist is that she gets hurt by a priesthood holder exercising unrighteous dominion, and gives up on the system altogether, without realizing that the system is actually benevolent and there are unfortunately a few bad apples. Or to use Elder Oaks’ analogy, she has a bad experience with a particular electrical appliance and gives up on electricity.

The problems of this model are many. Why isn’t it legitimate, for example, to judge a system by the effects it has on those who get deeply hurt by it? But I don’t want to extensively critique this notion here. Instead, I want to talk about the priesthood holders who have been in my life. I do not actually have a jar full of bad experiences at church that I can lay at the feet of problematic individuals. In fact, I have a deep appreciation for the many, many good men who have used their priesthood and their priesthood callings in ways that have benefited my life.

I, like anyone who’s been in the church for years, have had a lot of home teachers. Most of them haven’t come, which has been fine. Some have been entertaining. When I lived in a mostly grad-student apartment years ago, we had a young freshman home teacher. We fed him apple pie, and then he lay down on the couch, and we wondered if he would ever leave. We decided the pie was maybe a bad idea.

But on the whole, when they have come, it’s been a good experience. This was true when I was a kid. My family had the same home teacher for literally decades. He was kind and accepting and dealt well with the quirkiness of my family, which was not always particularly charming. I have a lot of respect for him. And that’s been true of my adult life as well. Yes, I’ve run into condescending men who wanted to lecture me about my own academic field. But I’ve had a lot of really good home teachers who have come and provided interesting conversation and made me feel a part of the ward, especially when I haven’t been attending church all that regularly. I still miss a recent set of home teachers who were lots of fun and not at all fazed by my unorthodoxy.

I’ve also had some really, really good bishops. I’ve had bishops with whom I clashed, ones who didn’t ever know who I was (think: large BYU ward), and one in particular who made a mistake that hurt me deeply. But when I think about the bishops I’ve had in my life, I think about a lot of positive things. A lot of good, caring men who were sincerely committed to serving the members of their ward. I’ve been quite open with a number of bishops about my views about various aspects of the church, and even when they haven’t agreed or completely understood, they’ve made an effort to listen. I remember one conservative branch president who would wryly say, “that’s heresy” in response to my ideas. And yet I knew he genuinely cared about me, and we were friends, and it was okay that we disagreed.

I’ve also had a lot of bishops who’ve been incredibly supportive with the mental health challenges I’ve dealt with. They haven’t been therapists, nor have I expected that of them, but they have been a great resource—willing to listen, willing to just be there. My last two bishops have come to see me in psych wards, and handled the situation very well. They’ve also been completely okay with my being gay. And while I haven’t usually known my stake presidents, my current stake president is a former bishop of mine, and has been a supportive, caring friend, and one well aware of diverse points of view.

I mention bishops and home teachers, because I’ve had the most direct contact with them. But I’ve also had positive experiences with priesthood holders serving in other ways. And throughout my life, I’ve appreciated the ability to get priesthood blessings, some of which have made a real difference for me.

I’m not meaning to say that any of these people were superhuman or didn’t make mistakes. But I’m not a feminist because I think the church is chock full of power-hungry men who are out to oppress women. I’m a feminist because I see the contingency in all of this—I’m lucky in that I’ve generally won the game of priesthood roulette. But not everyone is so lucky; there are people who would write a very different post than this, and their experiences are legitimate, too. I’m a feminist because I think women could also have the opportunity to learn and grow from ordination. I’m a feminist because even the best men are still caught in a system of male privilege. I’m a feminist because I don’t like the ways in which women’s voices are silenced, and women are always subject to male decision-making. I’m a feminist because I think ritual subordination is a huge problem.

So going back to the electricity analogy, I haven’t given up on electricity. I do think we need to talk about malfunctioning devices, and why they’re malfunctioning, and whether this is idiosyncratic or systemic. I do think we need to wonder why we limit electricity in the ways that we do, especially because those limitations mean that there are houses which are cut off. But I do appreciate those who, to use a classic church phrase, honor their priesthood.