Nacle Notebook 2017: Funny Comments

This post is my annual compilation of the funniest comments I’ve read on the Bloggernacle in the past year. In case you’ve missed them, here are links to previous years’ posts: 2016 2015 2014 2013 2012 2011 2010 2009 2008. I’m very good with numbers, so I can tell that the fact that there are nine old ones and one new one means that this is my tenth annual post! It seems like this calls for a celebration of some kind, but I’m not sure what form that should take.

Anyway, back to the comments. Most that I’m quoting are excerpts from longer comments or posts. I’ve made each commenter’s name a link back to the original comment or post. The comments are roughly in chronological order.

fbisti, commenting on LDS_Aussie’s post “Lies, Damn lies and Statistics?: Growth and Decline in the LDS Church Membership Numbers” at W&T:

God is fickle (depending on who is the stake president).

Uncleaning Mike, commenting on Kevin Barney’s post “Cleaning the Church” at BCC:

Years ago, I wrote a 30+ page booklet on how to mess up the cleaning of the church. Leave wine bottles under the bishop’s desk, flush tar balls down the toilet, polish pews with brake fluid, turn rats loose, scatter powered paints on the carpet near the door, etc. . . . Never been trusted with the church cleaning calling since then.

Comments on JKC’s post “What does the First Vision mean in light of a limited view of the apostasy?” at BCC:

If the First Vision proves that God is a Man, why doesn’t Moses’ epiphany on Mt. Sinai prove that God is a plant?

Or for that matter, Aaron, why doesn’t John’s Apocalypse prove that Jesus is now made of brass and shoots swords out of his mouth?

whizzbang, commenting on Dave-OZ’s post “If ye are Prepared ye shall not Fear: Temple Preparation Class” at W&T:

I know recently in my parents ward a lady was told she was going to get “meat” at the Temple and she fully expected to come away with cuts of beef, bacon, ham etc.

Daniel Smith, commenting on Mary Ann’s post “Ever Wonder How Much President Monson Gets Paid? Now We Know” at W&T:

And notwithstanding the many labors which I have performed in the church, I have never received so much as a Lamanite for my labor; neither has any of my brethren, save it were on corporate boards; and then we have received only according to industry standards for our time.

gst, commenting on Julie de Azevedo Hanks’s post “25 Things NOT to Say to a Loved One Leaving the Church (& what to say instead)” at BCC:

A good friend of mine with whom I had served in the leadership of a high priest group drove four hours to support me by attending my baptism in another denomination. At an informal reception afterwards he gave me a warm, congratulatory hug and then said, “I can really see the darkness in your countenance!”

Risa, commenting on Alliegator’s post “When Striving For Perfection Just Makes Us Feel Bad About Ourselves” at fMh:

My food storage is cheetos, twinkies, and mountain dew. What food is going to survive an apocalypse better than food that never spoils? I don’t have any shame about it 🙂

Maybee, commenting on LDS_Aussie’s post “A Response to Sister Nelson.” at W&T:

I’ll bet sex therapy is long and hard, but ultimately satisfying.

John Lundwall, commenting on Jonathan Green’s post “Being subject to Voldemort” at T&S:

[I]n our house it is called “Harry Potter–another Testament of Jesus Christ.”

Comments on Peter LLC’s post “The Best Judgments are Made in Trump Tower Grill” at BCC:

Am I the only one who is sure King Noah and the president-elect have the same interior decorator?

[H]ug your friends tight but your enemies tighter so they can’t whack you. Good pragmatic advice, I suppose.

April Young Bennett, in her post “School-Sponsored Mountain Graffiti” at the Exponent:

It is only a matter of time before the alphabet soup we are building across our mountain ranges inadvertently spells out four-letter words. Imagine the Salt Lake City postcard someday when the University of Utah’s U is flanked by letters posted by, for example, schools called Franklin High School to the north and Cottonwood High School and Kennicott High School to the south.

Tracy M, commenting on her own post “Daughters of God” at BCC:

Every damn time women talk about women’s health, we are reduced to our uteruses. . . How about every time a man writes something, we make it about his testicles?

Michael Austin, in his post “Newly discovered First Presidency Letter Clarifies Mormon Position on Civil Government” at BCC:

[From a purported First Presidency letter dated October 28, 1838]

We encourage all Latter-day Saints to cooperate with the civil authorities involved in the act of exterminating them.

Comments on Cynthia L.’s post “Share your stories: refugee talks in my stake conference, how about your wards?” at BCC:

[Responding to a commenter who said, “we . . . talked about masturbation in Elders Quorum”]

I was never comfortable masturbating in elders quorum.

Fortunately, I’m a high priest now

We had ward conference. After the meeting the bishopric did a recap with the Stake Presidency and covered, among other things, the sized of the congregation that day. I suggested that it was at least 1.5 million. Huge.

Michael Austin, in his post “A Time for Prophecy” at BCC:

At different points in my life, I have used [Amos 3:7] to “prove” that the Church is true because it has prophets, that revelation is and has always been important, and that God is a woman and her name is Shirley. It is really a remarkable proof text.

Ardis E. Parshall, in her post “mormon girls are hot” at Keepapitchinin:

[Quoting and responding to search terms that led visitors to her blog]

what time does the book of mormon finish

Um, how fast do you read, and when did you start?

you’re the worst online

I know I am, but what are you?

I like mormon boys and I cannot lie

Me, too; no argument and no lie.

mormon girls are hot

Why yes, yes, we are; thank you for noticing.

Laurel, commenting on Hedgehog’s post “An Exercise in Humility or Grooming to Obey Orders?” at W&T:

[Elder Packer] spoke to the men at a regional or area conference. He kept asking the guys sitting in the back to come closer. When they didn’t after several requests, he ended the meeting early with a rebuke. For years to come, his actions were used as a cautionary tale about disobedience to the small things. But if the fruit of disobedience is a long meeting cut short, it can’t be so bad.

Comments on Jessie Jensen’s post “Mormons name their kids the darnedest things: Born in 2016 edition” at BCC:

I’d wondered why (with the nerd percentage of Utah) we don’t get more attempts to destroy evil databases via children’s names. You named your child “drop table student”? How original!

I like Brooklyn, because it ostensibly indicates where the parents were at the time of conception. Incidentally, that’s why my children are named LaQuinta and Days Inn.

Brother-in-law was trying to plan and wanted to use Celest, Terrest, and Telest if they had three girls, but sister-in-law put her foot down when she found out that if they had a fourth daughter they would name her Helen.

Olde Skool, commenting on Michael Austin’s post “Minding the Gap: What a New Study Tells Us about Mormon Women in the Workplace” at BCC:

[M]y kids have food and, on most days, clothes on.

Comments on Kevin Barney’s post “Where Would You Go?” at BCC:

[On where commenters would go if they left Mormonism]

To Disneyland? At least as a first step.

I’d start my own church, give women the priesthood, marry all the gays, and charge 9% tithing.

Some Mormon friends have asked whether the false doctrine I encounter in those others’ [church] services bothers me. . . . I can ignore false doctrine in other churches just as well as I can ignore it in my own

Catholic. All of the guilt, shame and claims to authority of Mormonism without the weekly attendance expectations.

For a long time I thought I was a crypto-Roman Catholic, but in the end I became an Episcopalian, or, what one of my Roman Catholic friends calls “J.V. Catholic.”

Tobia, commenting on Guy Templeton’s post “Stake Trek” at W&T:

I find I’m asking myself more and more why we don’t re-enact the exodus out of Egypt, with everybody dressing up like the ancient Egyptians and Hebrews. . . . come on, those costumes would be way more fun than those of the pioneers! Speaking of fun, what about re-enacting the golden calf, the parting of the Red Sea, the manna falling from heaven, and all that?

nothing assumed about your food allergy, commenting on Peter LLC’s post “” at BCC:

Messengers matter because they will give different messages. Why don’t we just have one Q12 person unloading a bunch of fabulous truth in one 16 hour filibuster talk and call it General Conference?

hawkgrrrl, commenting on Jeff Spector’s post “Blame THEM” at W&T:

I imagine many people of color likewise felt the lack of diversity when the 3 latest apostles were called. . . . [God] must shop for apostles at the Bountiful Costco.

Comments on Angela C’s post “Families vs. Dynasties,” which discussed the possibility of Mormon parents disinheriting their apostate children, at BCC:

My will has a disinheritance provision for “any children who reside in the city of Draper and/or give their estate holders’ grandchildren a name from any of the various authoritative ‘Mormons name their kids the darndest things’ posts on BCC.”

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that if I can dangle enough mammon to coerce my kids into church attendance, eventually we will share a sweet reunion in our McMansions above.

Because you know it’s way more godly if your Mormon kid buys himself a stalwart new Mormon boat with the extra cash you kick him when you die than if your Unitarian kid buys himself some kind of wishy-washy Unitarian boat. That just wouldn’t be right.

Wally, commenting on Steve Evans’s post “BCC Secrets” at BCC:

[God] supposedly lives on a planet near Kolob, wherever that is, while righteous earthlings will live here on a celestialized earth. It’s not like 150 billion of us, give or take a handful, will be hieing back to Kolob to live in God’s basement apartment. He’s a pretty busy guy and probably has no time to hobnob with all the people in his billions of celestial kingdoms.

Joni, commenting on Kevin Barney’s post “LDS Easter Service Roll Call” at BCC:

The microphone in the chapel was on the fritz. The talks could have been about hieing to Kolob for all I know…

Comments on Guy Templeton’s post “Is this a beard?” at W&T:

When I was a youth the annual lesson on following the prophet always listed face cards as one of the things the prophet counseled us to avoid. Then I’d go home and play Rummy with my temple worthy family.

At B[YU]-Idaho if you close your eyes and imagine what you’d look like with a beard you’re playing with hellfire.

When I was at BYU I shaved regularly and had no beard. Then I got married. I had no facial hair, but my wife was my beard. I wish at BYU beards like mine were prohibited (or at least more strongly discouraged) and facial hair was allowed. But I’m not holding my breath. As the scriptures say, “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for the Mormon church to enter the 1980’s.”

Comments on Lynnette’s post “Calling All Space Doctrine” at ZD:

In a gospel essentials class on my mission the teacher taught in the millennium everyone will be vegetarian (lamb laying down with lion and all). He posited that what this meant was that as soon at the moment of the second coming we would all become allergic to meat. If anyone happened to be eating a hamburger at the moment of the second coming, they would begin violently vomiting, that’s how we would know it was the true second coming.

My husband . . . heard that God would never let other beings visit our planet, so stories of alien abduction stories come from people who are part of the Ten Tribes in the hollow earth and their abduction stories actually them coming up out of the hollow earth to be with the rest of us on the surface.

Mette Ivie Harrison, in her post, “How Much Mormonism Has Changed” at BCC:

Faith healings
I know that we still give blessings of healing, but I have the sense that almost everyone goes to the doctor first and gets a blessing after. Maybe I’m wrong, though, with the prevalence of Essential Oils.

Comments on Mette Ivie Harrison’s post:

My mom told me that Satan would lead me to lose touch with reality through the fantasy aspect of [Dungeons & Dragons] and it would lead me to kill my best friend and stuff his body in the trunk of a car. Since I didn’t have a licence I don’t know what car she meant.

I still get a smile when I think about our Bishop’s comment in the ’70s when he learned of the Stake YW leaders stipulation that swimsuits at girls camp must be one piece. He responded “which piece do they want them to wear?”

I was a “Saturday’s Warrior,” and the 1970s were definitely about 11:45 p.m. on that last Saturday evening. What the heck happened? It’s got to be at least Tuesday by now.

A decade ago a friend called me on the phone to complain that her son was just told at a fireside that they were the chosen generation to usher in Christ’s second coming. She was livid. “All our lives it was us. We were going to be the ones standing next to Moroni walking through the Ash Heap of History – because we had been valiant. Now what are we supposed to do. Go out and get a tattoo?” I didn’t know what to say. Clearly we had been robbed.

[Responding to a comment that said “if Joseph Smith were brought back today, he would be dazed and confused”]

That’s probably true, but mostly because, by definition, he would be a zombie. It’s hard to concentrate when you can’t see past your insatiable lust for sweet, sweet brains.

Comments on Bishop Bill’s post “Personal Revelation > Doctrine?” at W&T:

If Nephi was really following the Spirit, he would have disrobed Laban first to keep the clothes from getting all bloody. Common sense, bro.

What kind of a bumbling God would sit back and not take Laban out with a cardiac event?

Steve Evans, commenting on Scott B.’s post “Presses, Ranked” at BCC:

I didn’t know Steve glutenberg liked paninis but I bet he makes a good sandwich

LauraN, commenting on Ardis E. Parshall’s post “Firm Foundation: Surrender” at Keepapitchinin:

[A previous commenter mentioned the “Universal Model” proposed by a presenter at the Firm Foundation conference.]

So far as I know, the Universal Model is either 1) Legos, which you can turn into a model of just about anything or 2) the generic, thin, blond, blue eyed representation of a female human that sometimes appears simultaneously on the cover of every magazine in the grocery store check out aisle.

Mary Roberts, commenting on Peter LLC’s post “Consecrated Oil in 7.62x39mm Vials or Mormons Missing the Mark” at BCC:

“No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and ammo.”

Comments on Cynthia L.’s post “Welcome Carolyn Homer!” at BCC:

I think every time BCC adds a lawyer, it should eject a non-lawyer.

Don’t they have to wait for the annulment from your other blog to come through?

Comments on Peter LLC’s post “Satan is Silent Notes Taking” at BCC:

[Responding to another commenter who suggested that if Satan is listening, we should stop having vocal opening and closing prayers]

Nah, all he’s getting from that is that we like moisture and repetition.

. . . and it’s no surprise to satan that we all want to get home safely and have those that couldn’t be here this week come next week.

I go a step further and always pray vocally for exactly the opposite of what I pray for secretly in my mind, so Satan’s all “excellent! excellllleeeenntt!” and doesn’t bother tempting me at all.

He can’t read what I type on the internet, right? Just hear my voice? Cool.

This is why I always say out loud that the temptation I don’t think I’d be able to resist is wealth and fame.

When sports players do well, they often credit Jesus. Why does it never work the other way?

“Yeah, I was doing great . . . Til -Jesus- made me fumble!” ;P

Cathy, commenting on Kevin Barney’s post “Mother’s Day Service Roll Call” at BCC:

We had zero women speak or give lessons today. Even the RS lesson was taught by a man. . . . I can’t wait until Father’s day when we women will take over all the men’s responsibilities, you know, to give them a break.

MH, commenting on JKC’s post “The Church cuts ties with scouts (but not really).” at BCC:

Now is prime time for me to get my calling in YM back and replace the Scout Manual with a curriculum based on Che Guevara’s “Guerrilla Warfare.”

Ardis, commenting on J. Stapley’s post “Plans of Salvation” at BCC:

[On whether having discussions about different historical Plan of Salvation models would work at church]

[T]here is zero chance that we would know the correct answer, even if one of these models did happen to be correct. I mean, do you take a vote of ward members, and bind God to allowing progression between kingdoms because your Gospel Doctrine class voted 23-18 in favor?

Jason B, commenting on hawkgrrrl’s post “Improving the Status of Women in the Church” at W&T:

[H]alf the time my mom delivered (not to mention purchased) the bread [for the sacrament] anyway. Does the holiness of the bread get ruined when my mom who buys the bread, undoes the twisty thing and then puts the bread on the trays? And if so at what point? Is it the twisty tie? She’s allowed to do everything up to the twisty tie, but wo unto woman and to the congregation that dare go further?

Comments on Kevin Barney’s post “Clinging” at BCC:

There is a small typographical error in Elder Bednar’s quote: “Even” should be capitalized. Other religions do not have the benefit of this knowledge, but it has been revealed to modern prophets and apostles that this is Christ’s first name. This revelation was initially given to Elder Bruce R. McConkie in the late 1970s, but it was not generally known among the Twelve until the early 1990s. Today, the preferred means of formal reference to the Savior is by His full name: Even Jesus Christ (see Handbook 3.12.9). It is not known at this time whether He was sustained in general conferences of New Testament times as E. Jesus Christ or Even J. Christ, but the former is considered more likely due to the paucity of references to Him as Even in the New Testament.

Wicked and designing men removed “even” from Christ’s name during the Dark Ages, when corrupt religious authorities were hell-bent on ruining people’s relationship to God.

[Begins by quoting a bit of the post]

“[1] The people who cling to the rod are dismissively referred to as “cling-ons” . . .” Could this be trying to create another negative (yet false) connotation thru the use of homophones? Just because someone is a Klingon doesn’t necessarily mean they are bad. Look at Lt. Worf.

[Responding to another commenter who reported hearing the assertion that one must hold onto the rod with one’s right hand]

[I]f you have to hold to the rod with your right hand, how are you supposed to take the sacrament with it? Is it okay to switch hands for a few seconds every Sunday? Or is it preferable to just let go for just long enough to avoid taking the sacrament with your left (sinister) hand? Or, is the ideal solution to actually just put your entire face into the bread tray?

Mortimer, commenting on Clark Goble’s post “The Problem of Mormon Art” at T&S:

There isn’t ANY descriptive text in the BoM that would help an artist out like “the tangerine and fig sunset cast long shadows upon Nephi’s now faded-moss-colored tunic that now swayed gently in the Arabian peninsula breeze”.

Kent G. Budge, commenting on Ardis E. Parshall’s post “On Bearing Testimony” at Keepapitchinin:

A member of my ward, carried away with gratitude for his marriage, actually talked about how his wife was still smoking hot.

The ward wag came up to him afterwards, feigning shock and mild deafness, and asked him if it really seemed appropriate to tell the whole ward that she was still smoking pot.

Angela C, in her post “Missionary Safety: That No Harm or Accident May Befall Us” at BCC:

[As a missionary] I got flashed by a guy in a park which was in broad daylight so not really scary. He said, “What do you think of that?” I said, “It looks like a penis, only smaller.”

Wayne Gledhill, commenting on Angela C’s post:

After turning left in front of a pick-up truck in Germany and getting knocked head over heels into the middle of the road I learned the word for idiot was the same in English and German, they just pronounced it differently over there.

Comments on Kevin Barney’s post “Welcome!” at BCC:

[Responding to another commenter whose non-Mormon relative had visited for some F&T meetings]

I think what you’re experiencing is a derivative of the apocryphal Chinese curse. “May you live in interesting wards.”

Having taken bread and water for 60 years in the church, it only just occurred to me to remember what Christ’s first miracle was… turning water into wine.

FGH, commenting on Clark Goble’s post “How Do We Tell Doctrine?” at T&S:

What should we rename “Gospel DOCTRINE” class?

This Contains Gospel Doctrine Class
Gospel Teachings – Current Generation Edition
Gospel “This-isn’t-necessarily-doctrine” class
Gospel “The church has no official position on this issue” class.

john willis, commenting on Ardis E. Parshall’s post “Lost with the Lost Tribes” at Keepapitchinin:

I know exactly where the lost ten tribes are. They are in the same place that the socks that make a pair that you can’t find when you do laundry.

Hope, in her post “A Simple Guide for the Busty Mormon Woman” at the Exponent:

[I]t can be difficult to fulfill your life’s purpose of wifedom and motherhood when most of the single, righteous priesthood holders in your life are afraid of boobs.

Left Field, commenting on the photo below in Ardis E. Parshall’s post “LDS Teaching and Learning: The View from 1970” at Keepapitchinin:

That last photograph looks perfectly natural. What couple among us doesn’t put on their Sunday Best and stroll through the woods on an autumn day so they can sit down on logs by a brook for scripture study with the worthy priesthood holder expounding scripture to an audience posed in rapt attention? Who of us hasn’t done that, or countless times encountered couples so posed and well-clad in the forest?

Mike, commenting on Steve Evans’s post “SBC and LDS vs the Alt-Right” at BCC:

There are a lot of things I for which I would love to have an apology. Youth conference handcart treks, involvement in the Boy Scouts, 5:40 AM Sacrament meeting when I lived in Provo, every Blue and Gold Banquet ever held, and for the psycho sister from another ward who laid into me when the tri-ward Memorial Day Picnic ran out of meat before her special little snowflake children were able to have a third burger each.

JR, commenting on Angela C’s post “The Thermostat Wars” at BCC:

I got my heat problem at the organ bench solved after about 5 years of suggesting reflective coating on the window. Step 1, Greet the bishopric’s “How are you?” with the comment that I’d rather go to hell than to sacrament meeting because it would have to be cooler. Step 2, Before beginning the prelude, (a) remove jacket and tie and throw them down to the first pew (b) roll up shirt sleeves and unbutton the shirt. Step 3, When participating in blessing a baby dressed like that, respond to the bishop’s rather loud, but friendly “Aren’t you sorry you did that?” with an equally loud “No, fix the window.” The congregation was mostly amused (those shocked wouldn’t tell me anyway). The next week the window was fixed — voila!, no more strip shows in sacrament meeting.

Rebecca J in her post “What if they had a ward activity and nobody came?” at BCC:

Clearly, I am not the target audience for the annual Fourth of July breakfast and carnival. It combines three of the things I hate most in life: 1) crowds, 2) eating outside, and 3) fun.

Comments on Rebecca J’s post:

The proudest I’ve ever been of my parents was when they laughed at their bishop after he asked them to be in charge of building the ward’s Pioneer Day float.

When I was EQP, I had to oversee [the Memorial Day pancake breakfast] for four years. The last year I delegated everything and then we took the kids to Niagra Falls . . . . Fleeing the country seemed like the appropriate response to someone else’s stupid tradition.

hawkgrrrl, in her post “Death by Committee” at W&T:

[On the correlation process making the manuals dull]

[L]et me clarify that I’m sure plenty of the teachers and students are also unthinking dullards who would ruin even the best teaching manuals with their insipid and uninspired comments. Granted.

Mike, commenting on Kevin Barney’s post “On Becoming a Liberal-Minded Mormon” at BCC:

One could try to learn Japanese by memorizing the lesson plan or one could watch daytime television, dictionary in hand, with the occasional naked breast shot during the commercials. A missionary pair could maybe place 3 to 5 Books of Mormon and engage in a similar number of first meetings doing conventional door-to-door tracting in a week or maybe more like 2 weeks. Or the same pair could place 20-30 Books of Mormon and collect a similar number of referrals in 2 or 3 hours working a late night karaoke bar with [my companion] doing Elvis impersonations. Who do you think had the best language skills and the biggest free English classes and the most conversions? And who got sent home early?

Scott B., in his post “Trek Re-Enactments We’d Like to See, Ranked” at BCC:

A transporter accident causes a General Authority to be replaced with his Evil General Authority twin.

Reginald Barclay tells Deanna Troi that her outfit turns her into living pornography.

Data forgets to report his hometeaching from Stardate 41254.7.

Comments on Scott B.’s post:

Q instructs Data to hate the sinner, love the sin.

Data: Captain, I believe I have successfully modulated the shadow of our doubt. Shields of faith are holding.

Holodeck malfunctions, you are forced to survive the temple ceremony as Satan and Professor Moriarty try to kill you.

A plague of tribbles being eaten by seagulls?

hawkgrrrl, in her post “Succession Crisis by the Numbers: What Would You Do?” at W&T:

In Nauvoo, at least, it initially boiled down to Rigdon’s claim vs. Young’s claim, and Young had been more visible to them in recent months due to the presidential bid that had required Rigdon to be out of state. So, like hip hop gangs in the movies, they settled this by competitive street dance off.

hawkgrrrl, commenting on Cody Hatch’s post “Jesus, Labels, and Gender” at W&T:

[On the suggestion from a BYU religion professor that fornicators would have to watch their sins reenacted at judgment day with Jesus at their side]

It doesn’t take a lot of thinking about it to realize that it doesn’t really make sense. I blame the proliferation of VCRs in the 1980s. We were all obsessed with the idea that you could watch and rewatch recordings. Of course, nowadays maybe BYU professors are talking about having to binge-watch your sins on Netflix while baby Jesus cries. Who knows?

Comments on Carolyn’s post “If she asks for tacos, give a salad?” at BCC:

Jesus blessed the loaves and fishes in front of him, he didn’t conjure up chicken and hummus out of thin air.

Don’t forget the Wasatch Front translation of that Luke verse (also Matthew 7:9-11):

9 Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone?

10 Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent?

11 If ye give them bread or a fish then ye are evil. Say instead, let me teach you to fish. Then you will know how to give unto your children good gifts that are policy approved by Heritage and CATO (not to mention the Sutherland Institute and Eagle Forum), and how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him? Yea, verily, even God will say, I will not give you in your hour of need but will teach you how to get for yourselves based on the eternal principles of Adam Smith’s ‘invisible hand.’

Bbell, commenting on Kristine’s post “Hallelujah, Amen!” at BCC:

After having tried lutefisk I am ashamed of my ancestry.

Mark N., commenting on Angela C’s post “Succession Crisis by the Numbers: What Would You Do?” at BCC:

[Quoting and responding to a question in the post]

“Was the “prophetic gift” something genetic that occurred in the Smith family specifically?”

Midichlorians.

Comments on Angela C’s post “And the Tobias Funke Award Goes to . . .” at BCC:

I used to work in an LDS bookstore and we had a shelf in the back of self published books the authors sent us in hopes that we would carry them. One of the titles that lingered on that shelf was by a woman titled, “My Burning Bush”.

A gospel doctrine teacher once encouraged us to be missionaries by “exposing ourselves to other people”.

My third grade concert included a rendition of “It’s a Hard Knocks Life” from Annie. A friend of mine got confused with the lyrics and thought the phrase was “It’s a hard on life.” The confusion spread during the song and by the end, he, I, and many others were belting out as loud as possible “It’s – A – Hard – On – Life !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Parents were mortified. My dad was the bishop. We had a memorable discussion in the car ride home that began with him saying “so tell me about that song …”

A speaker from the high council spoke about an acronym that has helped him throughout his life. It was Faith, Action, and Prayer. It led to some very strange quotes. “When I’m having trouble I FAP.” Or “when I’m depressed I remember to FAP.”

Just look at the last few years of BYU sports slogans. . . . what about “rise up”? Do you have to tell your bishop if you cause yourself to “rise up” or only if you “rise up and shout”?

  • Mike, commenting on Mormon Heretic’s post “Modesty as a Matter of Life and Death” at W&T:

I think we need to start life out on the right foot when it comes to modesty. I mean, it is a disgrace that we have all been born naked! . . . This most sacred experience; when we step from the spirit world and the presence of our heavenly father and mother and wiggle squawking into the birthing room, with all of its intimidating medical contraptions, must not be contaminated with nudity.

I think babies could be modestly dressed a few minutes before the final stage of childbirth so that they enter the world in proper attire. If doctors can perform heart surgery on babies before they are born, surely it would only be a minor inconvenience to dress them in garment compatible cloths.

Comments on BHodges’s post “BCC Press and priestcraft!” at BCC:

In the last five years or so, I have written one book and around a dozen articles, and edited three other books for a Mormon audience. The total royalties on these books has been right around $900. To write these things, I have spent about $5000 of my own money on books and other research materials, taken half a dozen research trips at my own expense, and another half a dozen trips to conferences to disseminate my research and get feedback from other writers (an indispensable part of the writing process). . . .

It is possible that I am a practitioner of priestcraft. But if I am, I am spectacularly bad at it.

Church leaders selling overpriced books filled with their gospel perspective is where it feels Priest-crafty to me, but then again, I just don’t buy or read such books. Why buy the book when you get 8-10 hours of it every six months for free?

RockiesGma, commenting on Jeff Spector’s post “Some Pet Peeves” at W&T:

My pet peeve is using initials for everything: from medical conditions like ED and IBS, to text message shortcuts like idk and omg, to ward announcements like FHE and HT/VT. It shouldn’t bug me at all but it does. Idk why….

James Olsen, commenting on David Evans’s post “What’s in a name? A historical note on the title of the Mission President’s Wife” at T&S:

I rather like Mission Matriarch (and perhaps we could simply refer to ‘Her Excellency…’ rather than ‘Sister…’).

jimbob, commenting on Carolyn’s post “The Cake To End All Cakes” at BCC:

[Quoting and commenting on another commenter’s comment]

“Sam, its a small point, but I don’t give a rat’s @ss about ‘the market’ driving things…”

Have you ever wondered why we don’t use this term in the inverse? I.e., “that’s a very good opinion, Carolyn, I’ll give you 12.5 rats’ @sses for it.”

Em, commenting on Dani Addante’s post “Do women preside at church?” at the Exponent:

Presiding to me means looking benevolently out at the congregation with one leg crossed. Possibly glancing at scriptures or a device that could plausibly have scriptures on it. Obviously only a man could do this because if a woman crossed her ankle across her knee we’d see her underwear.

Michael Austin, in his post “Caffeine and the Hedge around the Law” at BCC:

I like my beverage choices tinged with sin and regret. They just taste better that way.

A Turtle Named Mack, commenting on Michael Austin’s post:

Every time I eat produce that is out of season, I feel the full weight of guilt for my transgression. But I delight in my sinfulness. Sometimes I’ll bring a fruit salad to Ward functions in February, just to entice my fellow members to sin. It’s glorious.

Comments on WVS’s post “Getting rid of the Ensign, New Era, and Friend!” at BCC:

[Suggested names for Church magazines]

Prayboy

The Millennials’ Star

[W]e could call the youth magazine “Milk” and the adult magazine “Meat”. The trouble with this is obvious though as the magazines rarely have doctrinal substance any thinking person would mistake for meat. How about “Formula” for the Friend, “Milk toast” for the New Era, and “Marshmallow Fluff” for the Ensign?

  • JKC, commenting on Kevin Barney’s post “Sisters on Bikes in Chicago” at BCC:

Whenever somebody I know is looking for a mission bike, I push fenders, internal gear hubs, and chain guards. But so far I’m as one crying in the wilderness.

Angela C, commenting on Jason K.’s post “On Listing Grievances and Emotional Labor” at BCC:

Personally, I think marriage should be a two way street of calling one another on our bull—t.

Moss, commenting on Mary Ann’s post “Think You Understood What Elder Ballard Was Talking About? You Might Be Surprised.” at W&T:

I enjoyed Elder Ballard’s talk- I usually like what he has to say, anyway, but it’s nice for us progressives to get a break as the Church Punching Bag every so often. Now I’m off to weaponize this talk against my loved ones in the form of passive aggressive memes with poor font choices. Tah!

Comments on Mary Ann’s post “Historical Context of the Family Proclamation, or Yet Another Post on the Bloggernacle’s Favorite Punching Bag” at W&T:

I wish Elder Oaks would have been around 30,000 years ago to warn against mating with Neanderthals. Damn DNA testing says I have 4% Neanderthal blood in me.

[Responding to a commenter who complained that the comments weren’t coming from “temple members”]

[M]y fault. I unchecked the box that said “current temple recommends required to comment on this post.”

Comments on Martin’s post “Girl Boy Scouts” at W&T:

I know from multi-generational experience and observation that the Eagle rank may mean nothing more than that there was a diligent mother of a 13-year-old or a threatening father of a 17-year-old in the background. It can be a BS award as much as a BSA award.

[G]iven the alternatives between BSA and GSA, I’d pick GSA, and between RS and PH, I’d pick RS (except in some of the wards I’ve been in where I’d pick waterboarding over either).

Happy Hubby, commenting on hawkgrrrl’s post ““The Good Place”: Questions on Eternal Reward” at W&T:

Maybe if the dang 3 Nephites would stop helping people with flat tires out on desert roads and give an interview on Mormon Stories we could find out if living forever is all it is cracked up to be.

Left Field, commenting on Sam Brunson’s post “BYU and Classical Radio” at BCC:

[Responding to previous commenters talking about “terrestrial radio”]

What the heck is terrestrial radio? I’ve never heard of it. Radio waves transmitted through the ground instead of “on air”? Radio programming not worthy of Celestial Glory? Any radio transmission broadcast from Earth? Radio intended for an audience of earthlings? Radio of earthlike planets?

Michael Austin, in his post “Cattle in Sackcloth” at BCC:

By far, the least believable thing that happens in the Book of Jonah is that the entire city of Nineveh—the capital of the Assyrian Empire that destroyed Israel in 720 BCE—universally converted to the Cult of Yahweh (which would have been required to meet any possible definition of “repented” in the context of the Old Testament prophets). This is roughly equivalent to a pair of Mormon missionaries parachuting into Tehran in 2017 and baptizing the entire city, mullahs and all. At the very least, this is the sort of thing that somebody would have noticed.

Rebecca J, in her post “One meeting down, only 437 left to go” at BCC:

Didn’t General Conference used to be something like ten sessions? Or a week? Like Parley P. Pratt reading the Book of Mormon, food and sleep were a burden, all anyone wanted to do was go to conference?

Comments on Rebecca J’s post:

I’d be happy if there were a five-minute span anywhere in the three hours [of church] that made it worth the trouble of putting on my bra.

Good morrow,
Being from faithful Puritan stock, I prithee keep the godly 3 HR block, a time for sabbath worship least we fall pray to Satan himself. Saints should come thither in the morn, then go hither to sup some porridge for the noon meal, then return for the rest of the sabbath daylight. The entire day should be spent in prayer, in psalmody, and study of the bible. Sinners whose attention wanders during sabbath services or sinners who begin to sleep shall be awakened by a rod, wielded by a deacon.

Liz, in her post “My Ninety-Five Theses for Today’s Mormon Church” at the Exponent:

Either pad the pews, or make church shorter.  Some of us have tailbones that haven’t fully healed from multiplying and replenishing the earth, if you catch my drift, and have a hard time sitting on hard surfaces for that long.

Lynnette, in her post “95 Theses” at ZD:

Before you doubt, doubt the doubt that leads you to doubt whether your doubts are actually doubts.

Cheap grace is a pervasive problem among believers in other churches. Latter-day Saints know that grace is actually part of a limited-edition collection of divine powers that get sprinkled on your grave after you’ve worked yourself to death.

The idea of transubstantiation is completely false. Nothing at all is happening to the bread and water in the sacrament. The sacrament prayers need to be said word-for-word, though, or the nothing won’t happen.

When Nephi talks about the “great and abominable church,” he’s clearly referring to pre-Vatican II Catholicism. Post Vatican II, the Catholic church has been downgraded to “pretty good and kind of horrifying.”

If you don’t share the gospel incessantly with all your friends, they’re going to come to you in the next life and say, “why didn’t you kill me earlier so that I could be vicariously baptized?”

Em, in her post “The Errand of Angels” at the Exponent:

Angels don’t slam doors or yell or act in passive aggressive ways when they’re frustrated. Angels “do whatsoever is gentle and human” but the implication is that to be human is to “cheer and to bless” rather than “to swear at the dishwasher and lock oneself in the bathroom with earplugs pretending the children are not home.”

Heather, in her post “Surviving Excellence” at the Exponent

[Talking about helping her daughter prepare for Young Women in Excellence]

Not everyone’s talents are easy to display. Thankfully we remembered that my 15 year old took a lifeguard course this spring and can count that as her skill. She is indeed an excellent swimmer. I’m not exactly sure what to put on her corner of the table. A pair of Ray-Ban sunglasses? A whistle? A picture of David Hasslehoff?

Rebecca J, in her post “Back in the (Primary) saddle again” at BCC:

I mostly tell stories in class and let the kids draw their own conclusions. Because heaven knows they won’t let me have the floor long enough to give them my conclusions.

Markie, commenting on Rebecca J’s post:

[T]hey will have to pry my Sunbeams calling out of my cold, dead hands. “I am thankful for fish” is exactly the level of doctrine I can wholeheartedly bear testimony to. Plus, I haven’t seen anything about the law of chastity in the manual I tend to not follow anyway.

John Lundwall, commenting on Dave Banack’s post “What the LDS Can Learn From the NFL” at T&S:

I read the title of this OP and got excited; finally, I thought, someone is bringing up the obvious truth that any event that lasts three hours or longer should have a half-time and nachos!

hawkgrrrl, in her post “EQ vs. HPG: Why Aren’t They One Group Like RS?” at W&T:

I will freely acknowledge that being a woman in the church and bringing up a question about Priesthood practices would probably subject me to some derisive comment from BY types about how it’s as unseemly as a dog walking on its hind legs or some such thing.

Zach, commenting on hawkgrrrl’s post:

There was a lesson on modesty in our ward a month ago and there were some hard feelings afterwards. One of the older ladies was going on about how women are the protectors of virtue and it is there job to help keep young men’s thoughts pure by not showing too much skin. One of the younger sisters said that when men in church wear nice tailored three piece suits, it really turns her on so she asked all the ladies to please not have their husbands wear suits that might cause her to have immodest thoughts.

Left Field, commenting on Mary Ann’s post “Tip of the Hat to Church Magazines: More Accurate Book of Mormon Translation Images in Ensign” at W&T:

You won’t ever catch me praising the historical accuracy of South Park. That would be like praising a depiction of George Washington wearing an historically accurate hat while chopping down the cherry tree.

mem, commenting on Russell Arben Fox’s post “” at BCC:

[Commenting on a picture where President Eyring is showing Donald Trump a statue of Jesus]

Donald Trump to Pres. Eyring, “I prefer people who don’t get crucified.”

Cynthia L., in her post “Being a gracious host to Trump doesn’t require throwing Muslims under the bus” at BCC:

As much as I hate Trump, even I can imagine several nice things one could say about him:

. . . “We bless you to return home on Air Force One in safety.”

cat, commenting on Carolyn’s post “Baptism, Resurrection, and Women Witnesses” at BCC:

[On the policy change that allows young women to dispense towels when youth groups do baptisms for the dead in the temple]

This means that Anna, the 84 year old prophetess, who met the baby Jesus in the temple when Mary & Joseph brought him to be blessed was handing out towels. That sure helps. She was in-dispense-able.

16 comments / Add your comment below

  1. Please please post an update to your GA predictions! So many changes, and the public want your data! ?




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  2. I would love to see your new statistics on the likelihood of the apostles being prophet some day. We will all miss Pres. Monson.




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  3. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you for this. Just spent a morning lying in bed catching up on a decade of the bloggernacle while my kids watch unsupervised tv and throw Lego at each other. THIS is what the holidays were made for.




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  4. Thanks, EJ! I’m glad you enjoyed it!

    And I’m sure you’re right, Left Field. I guess I was thinking of more a “major award” than an actual major award.




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  5. Ah… so a leg lamp is needed to pick up extraterrestrial radio. That actually makes a lot of sense now.




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