Trump to Resign Presidency to Become Mormon General Authority

In an unprecedented move, US President Donald J. Trump announced today that he will be resigning the Presidency, convert to Mormonism, and become a member of the First Quorum of Seventy, one of the three highest governing bodies in the Salt Lake City-based church. Trump made the announcement in a press conference held on Saturday morning in Salt Lake City, just prior to the second session of the church’s 187th annual conference. In the press conference, Trump was joined by Dallin H. Oaks, a member of the Quorum of the Twelve, the LDS church’s second-highest governing body.

Oaks explained that Trump’s official joining of the church had already occurred in a private meeting where he was “baptized and confirmed.” Trump added that “It was private, but the crowds outside wanting to get in were huge. Believe me! Far bigger than the crowds at anyone else’s baptism. At least a million and a half people.”

Trump was asked what had first drawn him to the LDS church, and he explained that it was actually Oaks’s teachings. “I heard him say that the church doesn’t seek apologies or give them, and I was impressed. That is my motto too. Never apologize. Never settle out of court. I also appreciate his point that there is no such thing as a ‘loyal opposition.’ It is sad that so many politicians resisted my work to stamp out opposition and create a single government, unified, under a strong head, who answers to no courts or legislatures!”

When asked if he had any difficulty making lifestyle changes to conform to Mormon norms such as bans on extramarital sex, tobacco, alcohol, tea, and coffee, Trump said that he did not. “I am the least sinful person you have ever met,” he emphasized. “I understand the gospel like nobody else. If Jesus had faltered as Savior, I would have fired him and taken his place. I would make salvation great again.”

Trump was asked if there were any Mormon teachings that particularly appealed to him. “In Three Nephi, when Jesus tells of all the cities he smashed and burned and buried because their residents were against him, it reminds me of all the so-called ‘sanctuary cities’ such as San Francisco that, even though I am no longer President, I will yet crush for their resistance to my sacred work of deportation.”

When asked about Evan McMullin, the Utah Mormon who ran for President as an independent, and who at one point appeared in the polls to be overtaking Trump in Utah before Trump’s surrogates started a whisper campaign claiming that McMullin was gay, Trump said his feelings hadn’t changed even though they were now co-religionists. Instead, he returned to the argument that McMullin’s single status made him incomplete, a belief that actually has some support in Mormon teachings. “He’s never been married. God says you have to get married. I’ve done it three times! I think that puts me in the clear. Him? Zero. Zero!”

Trump was asked about the possibility that he was resigning the Presidency to avoid being impeached over his rumored collusion with the Russian government. “Wrong!” he said. “I am like Alma in the Book of Mormon. I am giving up my government position so I can save people by bearing down in pure testimony against them. And I have the purest testimony. Everyone says so.”

Oaks was asked about Trump’s quick ascension to General Authority status. The church’s leadership is famously conservative in frequently choosing men whose families have been Mormon for generations to serve as its top leaders. Trump’s conversion, and immediate elevation to General Authority, is unprecedented. “In the early days of the church, the prophet Joseph Smith had to choose as leaders men with very little church experience,” Oaks explained, “and in extraordinary circumstances such as these, extraordinary decisions may be called for again.” Asked to clarify what he meant by “extraordinary circumstances,” Oaks elaborated: “We were inspired to note both Elder Trump’s great righteousness, as evidenced by the wealth the Lord has blessed him with, as well as his clear understanding of the proper role of women, not to mention the delightsomeness of his orange aura. We noted also that he already uses his middle initial, which makes him a natural fit.”

Trump’s first assignment as a General Authority will be as a counselor in the church’s Mexico Area Presidency, Oaks explained. Trump said he was eager to work with Mexicans because “Some, I assume, are good people.”

Trump said that he plans to continue to use Twitter to connect with his followers. His focus has already changed since his conversion, as evidenced, for example, by a recent tweet he posted about of the Book of Mormon, which is of course not accepted as scripture by most Christians:

Trump also indicated that he had started work on a new book, which he plans to title The Art of the Kneel.  Oaks hastened to explain that the book will be about prayer.

The final question directed to Oaks was whether, now that the church had gotten one US President to convert, they had any plans to attempt to proselytize Trump’s successor, Mike Pence. “I don’t think so, no,” Oaks said. “I don’t think he would agree with our beliefs. In fact, I hear he’s donated a substantial amount of money to Planned Parenthood.”


12 comments / Add your comment below

  1. I really laughed at this one, then became sad as I thought about how for many the YSA program isn’t working.

  2. I was all ready to resign my membership when I noticed the date at the top. But thanks for the laughs, Ziff.

    Seriously, I’ve pondered before what I would do if they called Mitt Romney as a GA. After all the lies he told as a candidate, I would not be able to sustain him unless his call also came with a public apology. Chance of that happening? Well, I’m sure Mitt would agree with Donald that apologies are totally unnecessary.


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