Discovered recently in the sealed portion of Monty Python and the Holy Grail:
Members: We have found an apostate! Excommunicate her!
Member 1: We have found an apostate, may we excommunicate her?
PA Department: How do you know she is an apostate?
Member 2: She looks like one!
PA Department: Bring her forward
Kate Kelly: I’m not an apostate!
PA Department: ehh… but you are dressed like one.
Kate Kelly: They dressed me up like this!
All: naah no we didn’t… no.
Kate Kelly: And this isn’t my nose, it’s a false one.
(PA Department lifts up carrot)
PA Department: Well?
Member 1: Well, we did do the nose
PA Department: The nose?
Member 1: …And the glasses, but she is an apostate!
(all: yeah, excommunicate her!)
PA Department: Did you dress her up like this?
Member 1: No! Yes. Yes, yeah, a bit. But she has got an Ordain Women necklace!
(Member 3 points at necklace)
PA Department: What makes you think she is an apostate?
Member 2: Well, she turned me into a feminist!
PA Department: A feminist?!
(Member 2 pauses and looks around)
Member 2: I got better.
Member 3: Excommunicate her anyway!
PA Department: There are ways of telling whether she is an apostate.
Member 1: Are there? Well, then tell us!
PA Department: Tell me…what do you do with apostates?
Member 3: Excommunicate them!
PA Department: Who do you excommunicate apart from apostates?
Member 1: More apostates!
Member 2: Intellectuals!
Member 3: LGBT advocates!
Member 4: Members with Ordain Women profiles!
PA Department: So, why do we excommunicate apostates?
Member 2: Cuz they disagree publicly?
PA Department: Gooood.
(crowd congratulates Member 2)
PA Department: So, how do we tell if she disagrees publicly?
Member 1: See if she speaks up about Ordain Women in Relief Society meeting?
PA Department: Ahh, but Relief Society and Sunday School are safe places for broaching the subject of women’s ordination.
Member 1: Oh yeah…
PA Department: No, she is an apostate if she attempts to change doctrine to comply with personal belief.
Member 1: Where does it say in Mormon doctrine that women cannot have the priesthood?
PA Department: It doesn’t.
Member 2: Let’s excommunicate her anyway!
(yeah yeah ya!)
PA Department: Apostates are those who recruit others to their point of view based on personal beliefs using printed materials that they disseminate widely.
Member 3:: Oh.
PA Department: Who else does these things?
Member 1: Politicians?
Member 3: Moonies?
Member 2: Very small rocks?
(PA Department looks annoyed)
Member 1: Scientists?
Member 3: Multi-level marketers?
Blogger: Mormon missionaries!
(all look and stare at blogger)
PA Department: Exactly! So, logically…
Member 1 (thinking): If Kate Kelly weighs the same as a Mormon missionary…she’s recruiting others to her point of view based on personal beliefs using printed materials!
PA Department: And therefore…
(pause and think)
Member 3: An apostate!
(all: an apostate!)
PA Department: We shall use the local disciplinary scales.
(PA Department and members push her into the local disciplinary scales)
PA Department: Right, remove the supports!
(wait while scales remain still)
All: An apostate! Excommunicate her!!
- 21 June 2014