Zelophehad’s Daughters

A Lexicon of Newspeak

Posted by Kiskilili

In recent days the church newsroom has released statements that provide helpful context for current goings-on in our global church community. Unfortunately, the newsroom may not be aware that not all members are fluent in Newspeak. I’m providing the following lexicon in the hopes that it can bridge that comprehension gap:

family: people we would like to see banished eternally

questions: interrogative sentences as formulated in the FAQ section of the church’s own website, for which canned answers already exist

sincere conversations: obsequious expressions of deference to church leaders

saddened: enraged and self-righteously indignant; gleeful at others’ comeuppance, but just PR-savvy enough not to cackle too near a microphone

court of love: court of shame; institutional show of force

counseling: emotional manipulation

love: the attitude with which one approaches something that is radioactive

not directed or coordinated by church headquarters: local leaders have been instructed to instigate disciplinary councils of their own accord

local leaders: leaders with zero authority to address substantive grievances with church structure or teaching and complete authority to excommunicate; leaders who have no reason to distinguish between pastoral care and ecclesiastical discipline; leaders who provide cover for their superiors, even as they do their dirty work

9 Responses to “A Lexicon of Newspeak”

  1. 1.

    Inclusion: exclusion

    We welcome discussions of hard topics in Relief Society: Someone once mentioned women’s ordination in Relief Society and the teacher shot her with a tranquilizer gun.

  2. 2.

    I love these, Kiskilili!

    Another possibility would be to just pull a single word out of that last one:

    welcome: discourage

  3. 3.

    aligning one’s will with God’s: shut up and sit down

  4. 4.

    Thank you! Ally Isom’s interview is now comprehensible.

  5. 5.

    Isn’t it incredibly sad that the PR people are speaking like this? Where is the Prophet.

    If something like this was happening in any other organization we ould expect the top person to be answering the questions, and plainly.

    Where is the Prophet?

  6. 6.

    Not centrally directed: Centrally directed.

  7. 7.

    Beautiful: nakedly in the institution’s own self-interest (e.g., “Isn’t it beautiful there’s no transparency and no clear definition of apostasy?”)

  8. 8.

    “disrespectful dialogue”: plebians opening their mouths

  9. 9.

    […] Except I don’t get clarity from that. I got 1984 newspeak. […]

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